


Play Again?

by dombinic (niikolatesla)



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Action, Adventure, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Found Family, Gen, M/M, Mutual Pining, Original Character - Freeform, Post-Game, Trans Gordon Freeman, but it'll be okay !, but the gang's all here!, dad gordon real, established boomer, established tommy/darnold, go grandpas go, he doesn't really. have a character in the original series. so., it was a ruse !! this was a power of found family story the whole time !!!!, kind of. Josh is 16 now, more tags will be added as the work goes on, mutual frenrey pining, teen and up for swears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:02:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 106,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25318771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/niikolatesla/pseuds/dombinic
Summary: It’s been fifteen years since Gordon put away the game for good. He packed up his life in New Mexico, moved up the country and got a real, fresh start in life, new job, new friends, the works- all was well. He doesn’t think about the people he left inside a video game after promising he’d get them out. It was just too painful, and at one point, it felt like it became too late to go back. He eventually forgot about the box that he stored the VR headset away in all those years ago, collecting dust and waiting for him to return.Well, maybe he can’t entirely forget it, but he’s done a damn good job of ignoring it.At least, until Joshua finds it.
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman, Bubby/Dr. Coomer (Half-Life), Tommy Coolatta/Darnold
Comments: 644
Kudos: 1006





	1. Installation

**Author's Note:**

> back at it again !!! it's been a long while since ive written fanfic, but im excited to get back into it!!
> 
> if you're reading, thanks so much, i appreciate it!! <3 my tumblr is @transheadcrab , comments, questions, kudos + all that are always welcome!! thank u !!!

The dust on top of the box puffed out in a cloud as Josh opened it up. It was a smaller, inconspicuous thing, unmarked, untouched. In a way, it made it all the more appealing to open it up and see what mystery was inside. 

Oh! Totally not anything he was expecting. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but not a virtual reality headset, controllers, motion sensors- the whole set up. Why was this packed away? It was a little weird- it looked, vintage? If one could describe a VR headset as vintage- big, hefty in Josh’s hands. He half wondered if it even still worked- the dust accumulation on top of the box made it seem like it hadn’t been touched in over a decade, but it looked lightly used nonetheless. 

Well. He just had to try it, right? Josh sealed the box back up and made his way down the attic ladder to the second floor of the house. The attic entrance was in the middle of the hallway (or, as he liked to call it, "The Shrine", littered with all sorts of baby photos, pictures of him and his dad, awards- anything in a frame, it was on the walls), splitting the difference between his bedroom and his dad’s. The attic used to scare him, when he was younger, often unable to sleep thinking about what sort of monsters could be up there, but with age, he got over it. He’d actually been there in the first place to start cleaning it up- he had been thinking about moving his bedroom up there. It was a much bigger space than his current bedroom, and with way more privacy. Of course, his dad said if he wanted to do that, he’d have to get it ready to move in, and we’d have to put better insulation in, we’d have to repaint, are you sure you want to be up there, I don’t even know what the electric system is like- dad stuff. But still, Josh went up with a broom and started moving and clearing stuff out- of course, until he found the headset. It was just too good to not get distracted immediately with. He lifted the stairs back up, taking the little door with it, and walked back to his current bedroom, shutting the door behind him. 

He eventually figured out the wiring, plugging it into his computer tower and downloading the proper drivers. As it installed, he moved some of the furniture around his room, trying to make a space wide enough to play in, and set up the motion sensors around the perimeter. It did make his room look a little cramped up against the walls, but it wasn’t like he wouldn’t be able to move it all back when he finished playing for the day. He turned back to his computer, a little pop-up showing that the packages had finished loading.

He hoped there was already some games downloaded into the system, and maybe it was a shot in the dark- worst case scenario, he could get a free trial game, or something. He opened Steam up, seeing if anything new would show, due to the headset being plugged in. He wasn’t really expecting anything, but he hoped. He scrolled through his list- he had a few games, but it had actually been a while since he started a brand new one. So, when he saw a title he definitely didn’t remember purchasing in his queue, he immediately started the download and had a quiet celebration. It did have games loaded on it! Well, one game, but still. He looked at the previous play time- 176 hours. That must’ve been his dad’s run? Last opened… Fifteen years ago. Old game, just a year younger than him. He looked at the device sitting on his desk- old headset. 

It was strange to think that while Josh was a baby, his dad was playing a virtual reality game for nearly two hundred hours. He wondered where he had found the time- sure, he didn’t start living with his dad until he was nine, but fifteen years ago… His dad must’ve been twenty-seven, twenty-eight? Fresh out of graduate school, trying to get a job, going through a divorce, moving across the country… Not that Josh personally remembered any of that, but that’s just how his dad would describe that period of his life- hectic. Never mentioned anything about this, though. 

There was a sudden knock on his door.

“Dinner’s gonna be ready soon, kiddo. You wanna set the table?” His dad said through the door. 

“Yeah, be there in a sec!” Josh replied. He listened as his dad went back down the stairs. Looks like the download had four hours to go. Big, old game. He was a little disappointed that it looked like he wasn’t going to be able to play until later tonight, but he could be patient. 

* * *

Gordon uncovered the simmering pot, giving it a stir. It wasn’t the first time he’s made curry, but he was trying out a new recipe, which would be under the scrutiny of Joshua. Not that his son was rude about his cooking- on the contrary, but he’d always been _good_ with food. Way better than any kid should’ve been. It was something that just kind of stuck with him. Never in a million years would Gordon guess any child of his would be some kind of culinary wizard, considering before Josh, his own proficiency began and ended with frozen food and cereal, and yet. Gordon pulled a spoon out from the drawer next to him and took a cautionary taste. Huh. He got a new spoon out.

“Alright, bud, what’s this need?” He asked, motioning Joshua over. He finished setting the table and took the utensil from his dad, testing the curry out. 

“What mommy-recipe-blog did you pull this from?” He laughed.

“Don’t be mean to poor Becky, she tried her best.” Gordon joked back.

“More heat! We’re better than _this_.” Josh said. “And paprika. I’m also missing… Cardamom, definitely… Cumin, maybe? I think. I’m pretty sure. What notes are you trying to go for?”

“Uh. Food, taste.” Gordon considered for another moment. “Good.”

“Okay, fair.” Josh agreed. “Well, you could just go for straight up spicy, which is fine, but... We could also go for a nuanced palette, you know? Taste everything, not just, be overwhelmed… Here-“ Josh moved to the cabinet and brought down the spice rack, starting to mix in a few different things, spooning out teaspoons and tablespoons. Gordon stepped back. This was definitely not his area of expertise. He probably should’ve gotten Josh’s help sooner, but he didn’t want to interrupt whatever project he had going on in the attic. Even so, after another taste, Josh stepped back with satisfaction. “Nice.”

Gordon also took a new spoonful, and, just as expected, it was great. How’d he get so good at that? Definitely not from him.

“Way to go, chef!” Gordon clapped his son on the shoulder. Josh laughed and rolled his eyes. Of course, the skill he already had didn’t go unnoticed- a year or so after Josh moved in, and had already been expressing interest in cooking, Gordon signed him up for a beginning class, and Josh took off running from there. Of course, it meant saving up every year for Josh’s birthday to go to the nicest restaurant (that he could afford) in town. It meant Gordon learned how to properly cut an onion from a thirteen-year old. It meant Josh coming home from school one day and telling him excitedly about the “Culinary Appreciation” club he and his friends were putting together. It was passion, most simply, and after everything, Gordon felt the very least he could do was nurture it and support his son fully. He was just glad Josh trusted him enough to not hide that away from him. 

“Can’t believe I’m being exploited for my talents.” Josh teased. That snapped Gordon out of his sentimentality. He snorted.

“Alright, smart-aleck.” Gordon ribbed before spooning out two portions of curry, along with rice, and brought them to the little table just off the kitchen. Definitely more of a nook than a dining room, but perfectly fine for the two of them. They settled in and started eating, in silence for the first few minutes, until Gordon cleared his throat. “How was school?”

“Fine.” Josh said back. “They’re just, like, super prepping us for AP tests. My English teacher’s having us do a practice test pretty much every other day, which sucks... And then, we’re starting our ‘hobbies and activities’ unit for French tomorrow, and, oh- I still gotta go to a city council meeting for my civics class, could you drive me?”

“Or, maybe, you can get some of your night driving hours in for your learner’s permit?” 

“Well, yeah, but I’d need, like, an adult-adult in the car.”

“Oh. Yeah, that makes sense.” Gordon considered it. “I should be free- that’s in the evening, right?”  
  
“Yeah, Thursdays at 6.”

“Gotcha.” Gordon made a mental note to remember that. He’d have to cut his office hours a little shorter that day, but he could make up for it on Friday. They sat in silence for a little longer. 

Josh mulled over asking his dad about the headset he found. It was definitely odd, the more he thought about it. He hadn’t actually seen his dad play a video game, ever. Sure, part of it was probably a time thing, but weekends, he mostly did, you know, dad things- he watched hockey, read science-fiction books, tended to his part of the community vegetable garden (and sometimes just _had_ to prune Mr. Vizzini’s tomato plant, Josh, it was _atrocious_ -), that kind of stuff. He really couldn’t see him getting lost in a game for so long. 

“Something on your mind?” Gordon asked. Josh was caught- and made a decision.

“Nah, just thinking about school stuff.” He lied. “How’s your school stuff?” He continued, quickly changing the topic. Gordon pursed his lips for a moment. Josh wasn’t a very good liar. And it wasn’t really like him to lie in the first place. But he wasn’t going to pry, either. He’d talk to him when he felt like he could, Gordon knew that. He adjusted. 

“Ah, you know, same old. But I finally got an appointment for my tenure consideration, which is exciting.” Gordon paused. “Do you remember the electrical engineering professor, Dr. Crew? She invited us to her house-warming a little while back? It’s okay if you don’t. But, she told me the funniest joke today that…” Gordon kept talking, and Josh listened for a little, going back to his dinner and nodding along at the appropriate points. It wasn’t that he wasn’t interested (maybe he wasn’t), but he kept thinking about the headset and the game downloading upstairs. He was still wrapping his head around the situation. He’d just have to find out what was up with it as soon as he could. “…But the neurons were _free of charge_!” Gordon finished. Josh was obviously still lost in thought, staring at the empty bowl of curry in front of him. The silence finally caught him, and he looked up at his dad’s expecting face, and forced an awkward laugh. Gordon sat back in his chair. 

“Alright, the joke wasn't that good." He admitted. "School stressing you out?” He paused. “If, if you got to study, or finish something up… I got the dishes tonight, don’t worry about it.”

“Oh, I- You sure?” Josh asked. He didn’t feel too good about that. “I’ve got time to help, really-“

“Nah.” Gordon shook him off. “Don’t stay up too late with your nose in the books. Or else you’ll end up like me.” He joked. 

“Thanks, Dad.” Josh said. He cleared his dishes and began walking back to his room.

“Love ya, Josh.” Gordon called out from the table.

“Love you too.” Josh responded from the top of the stairs, going back into his room and shutting the door. Gordon sighed. He’d talk to him about whatever was actually worrying him when he was ready. That was okay. And, either way, teenagers were supposed to have their secrets- he wouldn’t expect Josh to just tell him every minutiae of his life. Besides, Gordon had his secrets too. 

He just didn't think about them when he could avoid it. 


	2. New Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> longer chapter- but woo, we're playing the game

Well. Dinner could’ve gone better. The game and the headset were just taking up all the space in his brain, Josh felt like. He checked the download queue for the game and- it was done. That was another weird thing on the running tally of weird things. It said it had four hours to go, and dinner definitely hadn’t lasted that long. But he wasn’t eager to question it too much. That just meant he had more time to figure out what was up with the game before he really, absolutely had to go to bed. Win-win situation.

 _“HL1: V.R. & A.I.” _was what the title read. The pieces were starting to click together a bit more- it looked like this wasn’t a game necessarily realized for virtual reality, but a virtual reality mod of a game. He could guess the A.I. part stood for “Artificial Intelligence”, but he wasn’t about to put all his chips on that either. A.I. had definitely progressed in the last fifteen years, but it wasn’t like they were living a la “I, Robot” or something. He also felt like the definition of Artificial Intelligence had probably shifted and gotten to a different point than whatever this game made it out to be. He sighed. It was a little anticlimactic- he was kind of hoping for a more grandiose virtual reality experience than what the low-poly preview images promised. But he hadn’t even tried it out yet. He could totally still have fun with it. Maybe.

He started up the game, making his way to the main menu screen on his desktop. He briefly considered not making a new game- maybe his dad’s old save files would still be there? He could just find one from the beginning so he didn’t ruin the progress he made.

Weird thing number- Josh has lost count. But there was just one save file. One save file, where all 176 hours were logged on in one continuous session. That- Josh did the math- would be a little over one straight week of game time. That was impossible. Josh clicked on the file to open it. His computer tower’s fans started whirring hard almost immediately, and Josh was worried that- yep. An error message popped up, saying that the file was corrupted and that the game would restart. So much for trying to save his dad’s game. He waited as the software rebooted itself.

Thinking it over, and knowing his dad, he probably just left the game open on his computer instead of actually shutting it down when he was done playing. And just didn’t know how to save. That made way more sense. In a few more moments, the main menu was back. It looked like the old file was still there, but Josh didn’t bother trying to open it this time. Instead, he clicked on the “new game” tab, took hold of the controllers, and put on the VR headset.

It took a second to adjust to the VR space. First thing he wanted to do was look around- at the moment, he was in a tram, being taken through an underground facility- Black Mesa Laboratories, the narration inside the car told him. He figured out quickly he could walk just by using the joysticks on the controllers. He looked down at his virtual body as much as he could- he was in some kind of orange and black, armor, for lack of a better word. He squeezed his right controller, which made his awkward mitten-hand grasp and ungrasp- same thing on the left. He couldn’t move his fingers individually, but he wasn’t expecting to either. He looked around the tram, taking in the surroundings, mostly looking out the windows at everything happening outside of his glass cocoon. Another tram passed his- inside it were some NPCs in security guard uniforms, some scientists, and a guy in a suit. It… Sure looked like a game from the early 2000s. Nonetheless, it still had a certain charm to it, even if the character models were kind of ugly.

The tram came to a stop, outside a walkway leading to a large set of metal doors. Another security guard came over to let him out of the tram, starting to go through a monologue.

“Big day in the chamber!” He started. “Make sure you head over to the locker room to put on the Hazardous Environment Suit- one of the Einsteins will be there to help.” Josh looked down at his hands again. He was pretty sure he was already in the suit. Whatever- better to go through the motions of the game. “Good luck today! If all goes well, lemme buy you a beer after work!” Josh breezed past the guard once the dialogue didn’t trap him there anymore and walked through the sliding doors into the white, sterile Black Mesa.

Okay, locker room. Josh walked through the huge hall and into the lobby, occasionally getting bits and pieces of dialogue from the NPCs (“these readings are off the charts!”, “shouldn’t we _consider_ rescheduling the test?”) as he moved through and tried to find where he needed to be. Fortunately, in one of the branching hallways, there were painted arrows leading to various parts of the floor. Josh followed the one towards the locker room, where he passed a new set of security guards. One of them essentially repeated the same thing the first told him. Josh kept clicking to see if he could get passed the dialogue, which ended up working- it cut off his words and he walked stiffly over to the doors to open them. He turned and noticed the other security guard was just, staring at him. It gave Josh an uneasy feeling- none of the other NPCs were looking at him straight on like this. They both stared at each other until Josh heard the doors open up behind him, walking through and leaving the pair alone.

Josh tried to forget about it. Again, old game, some bizarre stuff was bound to happen. Josh found himself going down another hallway, passing by what looked like a breakroom, two vending machines, a microwave, and a few scientist NPCs inside. From the breakroom, he heard one of them ask, “Mr. Freeman?”, in a voice that was a totally different register from the other NPCs he heard. He didn’t think too much of it though. He didn’t really know what the voice acting scene was like when the game was originally made, but he was all too familiar with the horror story on “Elder Scrolls: Oblivion”. He wouldn’t be surprised if this was a similar issue.

Kind of, off, that the NPC knew his last name, though. That had to be part of the game. Maybe there was a name slot at the beginning of the game he missed, and his dad just put his full name in there. That’d be very on brand. That was probably it- the game was just still, kind of using his dad’s old save file with his name.

He got to the locker room, only to be greeted with an older gentleman crouched over a locker- it read “Coomer” on the front, Josh noticed.

“Ah, hello, Gor-“ The scientist started, suddenly shifting straight up. Josh started clicking through the dialogue, wanting to get to the next part of the game as soon as possible. “Another day, another dol-, Hello, Go-, Big day-, Dr. Fre-, Good luck-, Your Hazardous Environment Suit-, _years_ -, -in the chamber!” With that, this “Coomer” guy (Josh assumed that was his name) stiffly walked over to the other side of the locker room. Josh followed him, finding a row of three HEV suit stations. Coomer pressed a button on the control panel he was in front of, and the station in the middle opened up with an unsealing suction sound. The scientist walked back to his locker and resumed crouching. Josh eyed him, but was more focused on moving forward. He went to the station and squeezed his controller, the HEV suit getting officially equipped to him. He looked down at his hands- yep, nothing had changed. He really was wearing it from the beginning. He looked in the mirror on the side of the wall, inspecting his reflection. Yep, he was all polygons, the HEV suit on and a radiation mask covering his head to match. He sure looked like a nameless video game protagonist. He walked back up the small set of stairs, looking around the locker room for anything else. On the far back wall, he actually found a locker with “Freeman” printed on it. Yeah, that checked out- his dad really must’ve put his full name into a video game name slot. Josh tried to open it, clicking on the door, but it wouldn’t budge. It was probably just an Easter egg. Josh sighed and walked back, leaving the locker room and heading down another hallway.

With the HEV suit now registering in the game, Josh was able to progress to an elevator. He pushed the down button and waited for it to arrive, continuing to look at his surroundings- just the standard corridor environment he’d gotten used to, one security guard against the wall, and, staring directly at him, again. It was hard to tell individual NPCs apart, considering there were maybe four unique models he’s seen thus far, copy-pasted around the facility, but this one… This had to be the same one from earlier; none of the other NPCs were, tracking him, like this. The elevator dinged as it arrived behind Josh, and while he was getting bad vibes around this guy, he decided to ignore it. He got into the elevator and pressed the button, sealing the doors as the guard continued looking at him as he went to the lower level of the facility.

The elevator stopped after a soft loading screen, and Josh walked out the doors and into a new, but similar hallway. This part seemed more straight-forward, not as maze-like as the top floor. He walked into a room, where a large part of the wall was taken up by a huge computer and control panel. He kept walking until he heard a crash. Part of the wall exploded off in bits, blue sparks fizzing out of it.

“Excuse me! Excuse me!” An NPC said, walking towards him. Josh stopped and prepared to click through more dialogue, but the NPC, a scientist with glasses, walked passed him and into the set of doors Josh just went through. He kept walking, stuck in place by the doors that wouldn’t open. “You can’t be down here, you don’t have a Hazard Suit.” The scientist said, talking to no one as he continued to walk into the doors. He looked down at himself. He definitely did have the suit on.

Wow. His dad must’ve _broken_ this game. He thought for a moment- he was definitely on the way to do whatever doomed test the game was pushing him towards, and maybe once he did that, it’d go into a hard-reset into the next level? And it would fix itself? He didn't want to restart it from his computer, and that logic made sense to him.

“Oh. Alright.” The scientist said at the doors. He walked back to the giant computer wall and stayed there. Josh followed him walking back, and as he turned, standing on the right side of the next hallway he needed to go through, was that same security guard. He knew it, this time- same stupid face just glaring at him. Josh was getting fed up with this guy. He walked over, moving to confront him, and started quickly clicking his controller, trying to trigger the dialogue. Josh stared up at the guard- unfortunate, but it seemed like even in virtual reality, everyone was still taller than him. Despite the command trigger, nothing happened. Josh stopped clicking, frustrated, and turned to just keep going.

“Why, why aren’t you talking to anybody? It’s kind of rudeass.” The guard suddenly said. Josh turned around. What? That was… Maybe he was a tutorial character to show him how to talk to people? But, when he clicked the right controller, that usually triggered the characters talking to him? “Like. What’s your problem. What’s your issue, huh? Uh. Little. Little stinky baby forgot how to talk?” Josh swallowed uncomfortably.

“What?” Was all he could ask through his dry throat. He was suddenly very aware that just outside the VR headset, he was alone in his otherwise quiet room. It felt awkward.

“Whuh? Huh? What?” The guard responded. Wow, it actually registered what he said?

“Oh! The A.I.!” Josh said, more as a reminder to himself. Cool! He shifted, sitting a little straighter in his chair and making his voice sound a little deeper. For character. “I’m trying to get to the test chamber, sir. Is there an issue?” The guard looked at him up and down.

“You got short.” Okay, rude. What did he mean “got”? “You should leave. Nobody wants you here. Everybody **_hates_** you.”

“Wh. What? Why? What’d I do?” This was a weird plot point.

“Especially _ME_. I hate you the _MOST_. I think you’re _mean_ , and you’re _sucks_. I-“ The security guard suddenly blipped out. Josh looked around the room- there was no trace of the guard anywhere. He stood alone for a moment.

Yeah. The game definitely needed that hard reset. He kept walking down the corridor, eventually ending up at the chamber itself, two NPCs telling him about the “Xen crystal” sample they got, and how he’d have to push it into the laser. Something about it is kind of silly, to Josh- the idea of putting a whole dude into a highly radioactive chamber just to push a crystal into a beam? A very scientific endeavor indeed. He got inside, the huge doors sealing shut behind him, and for a few moments, all he could do was look. The place was _huge_ , and he’d never felt smaller. He noticed an observation deck window a story or two above him as a lone robotic voice guided him through the steps. At least this felt like normal video game fair. He followed the instructions, going up a ladder, turning on the rotator, going back down, and waiting for the crystal to arrive. In the meantime, a massive yellow-orange laser beamed down into the center of the room. For a moment, it felt like Josh could feel the soft heat pulse from it. The crystal arrived, a shiny, popcorn-colored thing, and Josh did the inevitable. With the cart, he wheeled it across the way, and as soon as the beam touched it, green flashed across Josh’s vision. Sparks flew as orbs of all sizes and hues danced and spun around the room. The green flashed once more- Josh held his hands up to his face, trying to shield and cover the light as the pulsating got quicker. After a few moments, his vision was cut to black. A small textbox showed “[LOADING]” in the middle of the screen.

His vision faded back in, the test chamber absolutely wrecked around him. He found himself coughing a little before catching himself. Getting a little immersed in the world, he thought. He looked back to the doors that had once sealed him in, now cracked open with more than enough of a gap for him to crawl through. He got out of the test chamber, observing the once pristine lab in shambles, debris everywhere, NPC ragdolls strewn haphazardly on the ground. Looked like it was just him. He kept walking, backtracking his way through the lab. Just outside one of the thresholds he had previously gone through was a crowbar. He picked it up, an equipping sound playing in his ears- nice, first weapon. He took a few test swings of it, getting used to the weight and feel of it, finding he preferred to double-hand it. He subconsciously admired the VR controllers making it feel like he actually had a crowbar in his hands.

“This all feels very familiar, doesn’t it?” A voice said a little ways down the hall. It startled Josh out of his test. Guess he wasn’t the only one here. He walked down the corridor, stepping over refuse, the HEV suit boots echoing softly on the walls, until he reached a scientist, sitting cross-legged in the middle of two hallways intersecting each other. It was the glasses scientist, putting out the weird dialogue prompt, but if there was one thing Josh learned from the improv unit in the theatre class he was required to take, it was “yes, and”. Besides, it was a way to get more absorbed into this strange world- why not?

“What makes you say that?” Josh said in his deeper voice.

“I don’t know.” Glasses replied. Oh. So much for playing in the space.

“Well, it seems like we’re the only survivors, Doctor…” Josh prompted, trying to get a name out of him.

“Oh, god.” He replied, sounding genuinely concerned. Josh backtracked.

“I mean- maybe not! If, maybe if you follow me, we can find others? I just got out of the test chamber, so-“

“Out of the test… Are you the _motherfucker_ that _fucked up_ this whole experiment?” The scientist stood up quickly, leaning over Josh menacingly. He really wasn’t expecting to get sworn at, twice, in the beginning of the game.

But fuck it. This could be fun.

“You think I _fucked it up_? You think _I_ fucked it up?!” He said back, gesticulating to himself. He wasn’t entirely aware he was slipping back to his regular speaking voice.

“I think _you_ fucked it up.” The scientist replied, crossing his arms.

“Listen, man, I don’t know what’s happening, but if we’re the only ones that survived this, we really can’t be at each other’s throats.” Josh tried to justify. Okay, he was getting into the swing of it. The A.I. was surprisingly robust. “Why don’t we stick together and see if we can get out of this. The surface isn’t too far away, and I bet we can make it out of here in, like, two hours max.” The scientist looked like he was considering the proposition- or, maybe the script was trying to interact with what it was learning? Josh waited a few more moments. “Shake on it?” He asked, holding out the hand without the crowbar in it. The scientist eyed him, then took his hand and shook it.

“Don’t fuck it up again.” He warned.

“The-“ Josh paused to laugh. “The, what was it, the Resonance Cascade? It already happened, man, I don’t think I can fuck it up anymore.” Josh suddenly got aware of himself and shifted back to the low voice. “Uh, say, I haven’t gotten a name from you yet.”

“B.. Bubby.” He said. He spoke it like he was getting used to words he wasn’t entirely sure were correct. Josh caught onto it.

“Buh-Bie?” Josh laughed. “That’s not your name!”

“It… Yes it is!” Bubby said, slowly building his confidence back up into his name. “I’m Dr. Bubby.” Josh snorted.

“Oh-kay, Dr. Bubby. Let’s go.” Josh readjusted himself and held his crowbar like a baton, leading the little pair forward. “I think we gotta head to the observation deck to progress. It’s kind of a web in here, but that’s up, you know?” Bubby nodded and started following Josh, both pairs of shoes clacking against the linoleum floor. They stayed silent, Josh unsure of what kind of conversation to make with Bubby, and Bubby seeming to be lost in his own thoughts anyway. They got to the observation deck, sealed away by a metal door. Josh took the crowbar and pried it open, making enough of a gap for him and Bubby to squeeze themselves through. Josh got through first, noticing a lone scientist at the control panel. He turned to him just as Bubby got over the gap.

“Hello, G-“ The scientist- what was his name, Coomer? Dr. Coomer stopped himself suddenly, looking past Josh and right at the other scientist. “…Bubby?”

“Oh...” Bubby nearly whispered. “Harold.” Josh looked up at Bubby, who was also ignoring him. Not another second passed before the two walked to each other and embraced. Dr. Coomer- Harold, was shorter than Bubby, so he had to lean down to have a real hug with him, but nonetheless, they fit together like puzzle pieces. Josh stood awkwardly in the threshold, idly rocking back and forth on his feet, not wanting to interrupt, but all the same feeling like an intruder to a moment he didn’t have the context for.

“I missed you.” Dr. Coomer said into Bubby’s shoulder. Bubby nodded against him and kept him close. Josh noticed a wedding ring on Dr. Coomer’s hand and- _oh_. He’d seen a very similar one on Bubby’s when they shook hands earlier. He didn’t expect a fifteen year old game to say “gay rights”, but nice! 

“I missed you too.” Bubby replied. They let go of each other and Bubby returned to his full height, looking to Josh, seething. Weren’t these models a little more low-poly? How could he tell Bubby was so mad? Furthermore, why was he mad at him? Suddenly, the electrical panels Josh was up against burst into flames. With a start, Josh jumped back, dropping the crowbar in the process. Bubby grabbed it and rose it over Josh’s head, bringing it down, but not before he quickly dodged out of the way. The crowbar smashed the already burning panel into pieces, sending charred wires and buttons out, a few pelting Josh in the chest.

“What?!” Josh gasped. Bubby redirected and ran to Josh, steadying the crowbar like a baseball bat readying for a pitch, swinging it just as Josh ducked below it. “Stop! What did I do?!”

“What the _fuck_ is your problem?!” Bubby shouted.

“Bubby, stop-“ Dr. Coomer began to butt in before Bubby cut him off. 

“You _abandoned_ us! You _said_ you were going to get us _out_! We _trusted_ you!” Bubby shook, releasing another shout and taking out another control board opposite Dr. Coomer. “ _You_ got to get out! _You_ got to live your fucking life! You got to _forget_ about us! You don’t know what it’s like. I stayed in a blank _void_ for- for- I… I don’t know! I don’t know how long I was there! But I was alone, Gordon! We were _all_ alone! And you know what? I had learned to just accept it, at some point. I realized this was going to be life, now, and I was never going to see my friends, or the man I love, _ever again_. But you have the audacity to show up? Blow the dust off the cartridge and start a new game, hmm, Gordon? Gonna wake us all up just to take it all away when you get bored?!” Josh didn’t know how to respond. He couldn’t. He breathed heavily, terror in his eyes, backed into one of the corners of the room. “I’ll kill you. I’ll fucking kill you!” Bubby swung the crowbar up again, Josh curling up on himself and holding his hands over his head to try to shield himself for a blow that didn’t come. He waited. The agony of anticipation was almost worse- he opened his eyes just as he heard the crowbar clatter to the ground, watching as Bubby dropped to his knees. Dr. Coomer came up behind Bubby, wrapping his arms around him and holding him. A tear dripped down from under Bubby’s glasses.

Okay. His dad really, _really_ broke the game. And now Josh was paying the price. He gathered himself, not ready to stand back up yet, needing to breathe, first. He thought he was about to die. Like, actually. That was… Different. He died plenty of times before in other video games he’s played, but this felt like a genuine threat.

Maybe it was just the VR.

“I should kill you.” Bubby spoke softly. “You should know what it’s like.” He still glared daggers at Josh. Josh swallowed, unsure of how to continue. He wanted to tell Bubby he wasn’t his dad, that somehow, he doesn’t know how, his dad fucked this game up enough to make an NPC try to kill him without doing anything. He doesn’t even know if he would believe him. But the A.I. seemed to believe that he was his dad, and he wasn’t about to break the game anymore by being contradictory. He was also scared about what might happen if he said otherwise- the crowbar was still right next to Bubby, after all.

“I-I’m sorry.” Josh eked out. He wasn’t sure what else he could say. “I… I don’t, um, expect you to forgive me, Bubby. Or you, Dr. Coomer.” He thought for a moment. How was he supposed to get the game back on tracks now? “But, uh, I mean, we’re all here, a-and alive! Maybe… Maybe there’s more survivors! And we can make it to the surface and go home!”

“…Gordon, this is so, _beyond_ the Resonance Cascade.” Bubby started. “Are you seriously trying to… To _play the game_ right now? The surface is… I…”

“Hello? Helloo?” Another voice began to chime beyond the observation deck. “Is there anyone there? Hello?” Dr. Coomer and Bubby snapped at attention almost immediately. They stood up, Bubby gathering himself while Dr. Coomer reached for his hand. He took it, Dr. Coomer squeezing it assuredly, before Bubby turned back to Josh. He kicked the crowbar over to him with a sneer.

“You better lead the way. I don’t know how the game would process it if we went off on our own.” Bubby got up in Josh’s face. “But don’t think for a second we’re done with this.” He threatened. Josh nodded quickly, grabbing the crowbar and standing up.

“R-Right. Um, do you guys, know that voice?” Josh asked, trying to change the topic while beginning to pry open the set of doors.

“Of course, Gordon!” Dr. Coomer failed to elaborate. Josh got the doors open and rounded the corner. A few feet away, and dangerously close to some lasers, was the tallest man yet. He definitely looked younger than Dr. Coomer and Bubby- maybe closer to his dad’s age. Josh didn’t have too much time to consider before the scientist came rushing over. “Oh, Tommy!” Dr. Coomer announced before getting pulled into a big hug, along with Bubby. “Oh, dear, Tommy! Where’d that spiffy hat of yours go?” Dr. Coomer asked, sounding concerned. Up close, Josh could see Tommy was holding a pistol. Uh oh.

“I don’t know!” Tommy replied. “But it’s okay! I- I’m just so glad to see you all again!” He spoke. Wow, Tommy was real a ray of sunshine- it was a nice change after everything with Bubby. Tommy turned over to Josh, letting go of the other two scientists. “I… I knew it was you in the- in the hallway, Mr. Freeman! You, you just brushed past me, I thought you were mad at me!”

“I’m not mad at you, uh, Tommy.” Josh started. He looked back to Bubby briefly before turning to Tommy. “I’m, hah, I’m a little more worried about you being mad at me.” Tommy pointed the gun at Josh. “Okay! Yep! Yeah, totally understandable!” He flustered, holding his hands up.

“O-Oh, I’m not mad at you, Mr. Freeman!” Tommy said. If there were subtitles under him, Josh felt like there would’ve been a little smiley face after that sentence. “I… I knew you would come back! And you did!” He still kept the gun trained on Josh despite his chipper attitude. “Just, come back a little sooner, next time! We all missed you! We… I- Maybe I, maybe I can’t speak for, everyone, but I missed you! And, and I bet Benrey missed you too!” Tommy paused for a moment. “Did, did you get the hush money my dad sent you? He told me he'd send it after the party!” Josh was starting to go in overload with everything Tommy was casually tossing out at him. He just nodded, hands still up.

“Uh, yeah, yeah, Tommy, we- I got the hush money, yes.” Josh managed to get out. “So, you’re not mad?”

“Nope!” Tommy responded.

“Then, uh, hah, is it okay, if you, maybe, don’t point a gun right at me?” Josh laughed nervously, talking as if walking through a minefield.

“O-Oh! Classic, classic me!” Tommy said before shifting his aim a few centimeters to the left. Well. At least it wasn’t right at him, Josh thought.

“Thanks.” He collected himself. “And, uh, Benrey? Who’s-“ He caught himself. He’s supposed to know these people. “I, yes! Good ol’ Benrey! I remember him fondly! You wouldn’t happen to, to know where he is? I’m… I’m just so looking forward to seeing him again!” Nice save, Josh. He looked around the group for affirmation. Tommy’s expression hadn’t changed. Dr. Coomer looked a little confused- Bubby wasn’t hiding his bafflement.

“Really? You ‘remember him fondly’?” Bubby rolled his eyes. “Nostalgia’s one hell of a drug.” He muttered. Either way, Josh seemed to pass this test for now- no kayfabe breaks today!

“I don’t, I don’t know where Benrey is, Mr. Freeman.” Tommy said. “I thought he’d already be with you!”

“Oh, you remember our Benrey, always coming and going when he pleases.” Dr. Coomer joined in. The scientists agreed- Josh nodded his head along. “Well, I suppose the next step of our journey is stocking up for the road ahead!” Dr. Coomer turned to Josh. “Gordon, I bet the _Locker Room_ will have supplies for us! Perhaps a _Medical Kit_ or an _Ammunition Pack_!”

“That’s- thanks, Dr. Coomer, yeah. Locker room it is!” Josh spoke.

“Last one to the elevator’s a rotten egg.” Bubby challenged before launching into a full-on sprint, dodging lasers and bounding over rubble and wreckage. Dr. Coomer and Tommy followed at nearly the same speed, shouting to Bubby about his unfair head start, while Josh tried to keep up in the weighty HEV suit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> three of the gang's here!! stay tuned,.,. for benrey


	3. No Tutorial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joshua's sure getting thrown into the deep end here, and he's adjusting best he can. For now.

Bubby’s hand smacked against the elevator doors, triumphant with his first place victory. Dr. Coomer and Tommy were quick behind, Tommy reaching the door second, and Dr. Coomer ramming into the doors hard enough to leave a dent.

“I’ve still got it!” Dr. Coomer rejoiced. Josh rounded the corner a few seconds later, out of breath.

“How do you guys go so fast?” He exclaimed.

“Keep up next time, old man.” Bubby retorted.

Josh didn’t know how to respond to that.

Instead, he bashed open the doors with his crowbar, only to be met with a real crevasse of an elevator shaft. Spooky. He pushed the up button on the panel- maybe it would still work! A horrible, metallic snap reverberated through the tunnel just as Josh stepped back, wind ripping around him as the elevator came crashing down past the group, the screams of three other NPCs disappearing as they dropped into the abyss.

“Oh no.” Was all Josh could say, leaning over the edge as the sounds got quieter and quieter.

“My god, Gordon, you killed them!” Dr. Coomer cheerily added. “You’ve, at the very best, committed manslaughter, one of the more heinous crimes there is!”

“I didn’t- I didn’t mean to, I-“

“Look! A ladder!” Bubby pointed out. Dr. Coomer and Tommy rushed up it, Bubby close behind, everyone disregarding Josh’s apparent new murder tally. He shook his head, ignoring what just happened, and followed after Bubby. They crawled up the ladder at a snail's pace, Bubby obviously terrified of the height. Against his better judgement, Josh looked down and immediately regretted it. It just kept _going_. Okay, Bubby's fear was valid. He held on tight to the ladder, trying not to feel the vertigo wash over him. He looked towards the base where they had gotten onto the ladder, and while it was far down, he could definitely make out a person looking back up at him. He couldn’t tell, but he’d place a bet that it was that security guard from earlier. Josh was sick of him.

“Hey! Hey!!” He shouted, clinging onto the ladder with one arm wrapped in a rung and banging on the wall with the crowbar, something to get his attention, make it known that he was seen. “What’s your deal?! I’m talking to you!”

“Gordon, stop it!” Bubby yelled, staying still and white-knuckling the ladder. “Are you trying to get me to fall?! That’s fucked up!”

"No, I-“ Josh turned to the scientist above him. “Who is that guy?” He said, looking back to where the guard was- or, should’ve been. He was gone.

“I’m not looking! I’m not looking down!” Bubby said. Josh grumbled.

“It’s… There was someone there.” He responded. Maybe there wasn’t anyone there. Maybe his mind was playing tricks on him. “It’s nothing. Sorry, Bubby.” He reassured. They eventually made it up to the main floor, near the lobby where Josh first arrived to the facility.

“Gentlemen, we’ve made it to the first floor of Black Mesa!” Dr. Coomer said. Tommy clapped. Josh took a second to re-orient himself- Black Mesa was labyrinthian, the main lobby sprawling out in veins. The fact that it was now crumbling around them didn’t make it any easier to navigate. Eventually, Josh was able to find the hallway leading to the locker room, passing the breakroom on the way there.

“You guys, uh, you thirsty, or hungry, or anything? Looks like there’s a soda machine in there.” Josh asked. Without warning, Tommy shot one of the machines. Josh covered his ears, but the damage was already done. In an animated burst, the outer wall of the soda machine broke open, spilling cans all over the floor. In a rush, Bubby, Dr. Coomer, and Tommy were gathering and cracking open tabs like it was the end of the world- well, maybe it was. Josh had to laugh. Tommy caught his eye and smiled.

“Go, go ahead, Mr. Freeman! The other machine is all yours!”

“Thanks, man.” Josh replied. He stepped over fallen cans to the machine wedged in the corner. The glass window revealed bags of chips, cookies, gum, pretty standard vending machine snacks. He considered it for a moment, but shrugged his shoulders. He had to remind himself that this was a video game, after all, it’s not like he’d be fined for property damage or something. Josh took a swing and put a good crack in the glass. He swung again, the structural integrity starting to fail, and in one final push, the glass fell out in a shattering sheet. Josh reached in, grabbing a pack of potato chips and stashing it away. He wasn’t too eager to take off the HEV helmet at this point- it was good head protection, and he wasn’t quite hungry either. Better to take stock now and have it later. 

“I knew it. You’re stealing.” A voice came from directly behind him. Josh jumped, spinning himself around to find none other than _that_ security guard. “I told you, I’d have to follow you, make sure you don’t steal, and now look. You’re- you’re going to jaaail.”

“You didn’t-“ Josh stuttered. “You didn’t say _anything_ like that to me! You’ve _actually_ just been staring at me, and following me around like a _creep_ , and said I was mean and that- that I ‘sucks’!”

“Whuh?” The guard asked back. He looked over to the broken vending machine. “Who- Who did this? Who’s getting in biiiiiggggg trouble? Gordon? Gotta go sit in the naughty corner? Give you the yellow warning card?” Josh shook his head, mostly just trying to parse out what this guy’s problem was.

“Hey, Benrey!” Tommy said, cracking open another can of soda. How many of those had he drank?

“Benrey?” Josh repeated.

“Don’t even- don’t even remember me? Boooo. I talked to you like, a half hour ago.” The security guard _, Benrey_ , replied. “Old ass, old ass Gordon Freeman got memory problems? You got, uh, _drain bramage_?”

“Christ.” Josh said under his breath. This was all kind of a lot. “I don’t- I don’t have _brain damage_.“ Josh started before realizing this was a lost cause. Everybody had to have their whacky introduction, he guessed. “Look-“ He took the bag of chips out and put it back into the broken vending machine. “-Didn’t steal. It’s all good. I- Listen, _Benrey_ , we’re just trying to get to the locker room to stock up for, uh-“

“For the great journey ahead! Isn’t it wonderful, Benrey? Just like the old times!” Dr. Coomer happily added. Benrey looked back at Josh, quirking an eyebrow.

“You _want_ to do it again?” He asked, showing the most genuine emotion Josh had seen on his face.

“Y-Yeah. You know. For old time’s sake.” Josh justified. Benrey squinted at him.

“Why are you so different?” Benrey questioned.

“Wh- ah, um, I don’t-“

“You’re short.”

“C’mon, man, that's the second time you've-“

“And you talk different. Your voice is-“

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Josh realized he hadn’t been using his deep voice for quite some time, trying to shift back to that lower pitch as subtly as he could. Seemed like the A.I. did remember his dad’s voice. He made a mental note to sound more Dad-esque. “Whatever, man. We’re going to the locker room.” Josh brushed past Benrey. Tommy gathered up as many cans as he could stuff in his lab coat, Dr. Coomer and Bubby bringing up the back. Benrey eyed this “ _Gordon_ ”, but followed anyway, a few feet behind the main group.

The door to the locker room opened without Josh needing to bust through with the crowbar, the lines of lockers bordering the room, the fluorescents blinking idly. Dr. Coomer rushed over to his- er- one of his? A lot of lockers in here had “Coomer” on them. Weird. He didn’t notice that before. Dr. Coomer opened one of them.

“This one is my locker, Gordon!” He said. Josh looked inside- a pair of boxing gloves hung over one of the hooks, about three spare lab coats on hangers, two changes of clothes, photos of various boxers, printed out- Wikipedia articles?- and pictures of him and Bubby were plastered haphazardly all over the walls of the locker.

“You like boxing, Dr. Coomer?” Josh asked.

“Very much so!” Dr. Coomer replied. “I believe I’ve told you this before, but I founded the Black Mesa Underground Boxing Ring! We had to stop, though. Nothing we did, mind you- it was those _blasted interns_ trying to make a Quick Buck on our talent! They had whole gambling pools, Gordon!”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Josh responded. He made his way to his locker, trying to see if he could open it this time, and surprisingly, it worked. Inside were quite a few rounds of ammo, three medkits, a framed copy of “his” theoretical physics degree from M.I.T., an opened soda (who knows how long that’s been there for?) and-

Oh.

Oh what the fuck.

That’s _him_.

That’s his baby picture. He knew, because that same picture was framed in the upstairs hallway, along with exactly one thousand other equally embarrassing pictures, and he argued with his dad at least once a month to take them down, and his dad always responded with something along the lines of “Well, take more pictures so I can put those up instead”, but who _wants_ to have their pictures framed in the hallway in the first place, so, in a quiet reluctance, he supposed it was better to have a baby picture up than a picture he took 5 minutes ago, but nonetheless, it was _very different_ to pass by a baby picture in the hallway versus _seeing it in a video game_ that by all accounts _shouldn’t be there_ , and he wondered _how_ it even got there in the first place, holding it in his gloved hand, and he felt like he was about to throw up and-

“Still looks a bit shit.” Benrey suddenly butted in. Josh looked up at him, feeling like cotton balls were filling his throat. He was shaking. Benrey noticed. “Woah. Uh, you good, man?” Josh pushed past him and ran to the open bathroom on the other side of the wall, looking in the mirror. He still had the whole HEV suit on, and the last thing he wanted to do is reveal what his mind was careening him towards, but no, that’s _stupid_ , that’s paranoid thinking, that wouldn’t- it _couldn’t_ happen- just, just look, just to make sure- and Josh unclasped the helmet from its latches and slid it off his head, and all he could do was stare. The cover flattened his hair down a bit, and he was sweaty, but it wasn't a low-poly scientist model. He had the same few pimples on his chin, the same ear piercing, same eyes, same black eyebrows, the same faded, shaved sides of his head leading up to his same curly hair- this was Joshua Freeman, and he’s _inside_ some kind of fucked up, evil video game.

This. This literally wasn’t real. This was a dream. It had to be! He hit his head with his hands, willing himself to wake up, but nothing happened, and he was still looking at his fully realized reflection. He focused _so hard_ on where he should’ve been, sitting at his desk chair in his bedroom, in front of his monitor, _fucking, focus, Josh_ , as he tried to feel around his head and face for the VR headset that just _wasn’t there_. The controllers should have been smacking against the headset and jostling him back to reality, or _something_. He looked down at his weird, stupid mitten-hands, that didn't look so stupid and mitten-shaped anymore, frighteningly realistic, one still holding the baby picture, the other holding the crowbar, the heft in his grip very, very tangible. He put both down on the rim of the sink. And individually moved each of his fingers, articulating them completely.

They were his hands.

He turned away from the mirror, looking over to the whole group. He brushed it off earlier, the original, noticeable polygons starting to mesh and blend together into realism. But now, he was faced with four, very real people, staring right back at him with the same confusion he had. Even the environment around him- the sheen on the ceramic of the sink picking up the light of the fluorescents, even the fluorescents themselves, flickering and buzzing, behaving like _real lights_. He breathed heavily, unsure of how to even begin. His eyes quickly darted to the baby picture, then back at them, a deep, pained look on his face. It seemed like all at once, the gears clicked into place as they all make the same realization Josh was reeling from.

They were all, _so quiet_ , for _so long_ , until Dr. Coomer cleared his throat.

“Ah… Hello, Joshua!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading so far !!! i will update.,,. asap,,. ive got finals rn for summer courses but once those are over, watch out


	4. Hard Reset

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gordon goes through his morning routine.

Gordon stared up at the popcorn ceiling, his eyes adjusting to the gentle, first morning lights in his bedroom. He slept fine, just the normal tossing-and-turning predicament he usually found himself in. He turned to the bedside table, feeling around for his glasses, putting them on and looking at the LED display of his alarm clock- 5:06am. He found himself waking up this early all on his own, most days, unable to get back to sleep, and not necessarily fighting himself about it either. Par for the course of getting older, he supposed. He’d already accepted it as part of his life as he sat up and stretched, a few of his joints cracking.

A life he dramatically shifted about a decade and a half ago. Looking back on it, it feels really pathetic to think about how much a video game affected him. So, Gordon just, doesn’t think about it. He definitely doesn’t think about how, for some reason, a week after he ended the game, he got an official-looking letter with no return address containing a check for a _very_ _generous_ amount of money, that, somehow, actually deposited. Also included was the phone number to a physical therapist- right, the hand. That’d take some getting used to. He didn’t think about it.

He doesn’t think about how he eventually used the money to pack up his divorced-dad bachelor pad and move to as opposite New Mexico as he could think of, Washington, where he was actually able to put a payment down into a real _home_ , a cozy place where Josh could visit, could grow up, have space to be a kid. A place where Gordon could have a new beginning.

It took a while for him to get used to the cold- if he was honest, he still wasn’t, but he needed _out_. He was able to get a job at the local university, which wasn’t _exactly_ what he expected to do with his theoretical physics degree, but he doesn’t mind it. It made him happy. Once upon a time, he wanted to be a livestreamer, too. Things change. He doesn’t think about it.

He slipped on his prosthetic sock, and removed the prosthetic itself from its charger, locking it in and letting it wake up with the rest of him. It didn’t quite give him the full range of motion he used to have, but he adjusted to it over the years. Once he got more comfortable and settled into it, one of his favorite activities was startling his first-year lab students with “need a hand?” jokes. What was most surprising, about the whole situation, was that no one ever actually asked about it. Maybe it was social convention. But it was like the people he still talked to from before the game had part of their memories wiped, or something. It was just another mystery he wasn't going to look into any deeper.

He stood and stretched, putting on his thick, burgundy cardigan to fight the morning chill, and made his way to the bathroom, reaching into the medicine cabinet and taking out his weekly pill organizer. Anti-depression, anti-anxiety, a daily vitamin supplement, high blood pressure medication, fish oil horse pill- oof, he needed to do his testosterone shot today, too, but that’d come after he ate something and woke up more. He looked at himself in the mirror- long, curly hair draped over his shoulders, and his beard, slowly becoming more salt and pepper over the years, was getting a little scraggly. He’d have to make time to trim it soon. His laugh lines were a little deeper, a wrinkle on his forehead was starting to show more, there were crow’s feet at the corners of his eyes- he could never imagine what he’d be like as a full adult man, when he was younger, but even so, he liked how he looked now. He still felt old _,_ though.

He turned back to his pills as he started putting his hair up in a loose ponytail- he’d contend more with it later. Why’d he have so many issues? Rather- when did he _start_ having so many issues? He sometimes felt like a machine past its prime, greasing the gears in his brain and body every morning just to function. He sighed. He always had this stuff. A lot of it just went undiagnosed until he took action. He filled his drinking glass he kept by the sink up with water and took his meds. It was good he was on them, and it was okay to be feeling his age, he reminded himself.

Mondays and Wednesdays, he taught earlier classes, but Tuesdays and Thursdays could afford slower mornings, since he didn’t need to be on campus until twelve this semester. Which meant he could have a luxurious, watch-the-sunrise kind of start to the day. He smiled at that- the little things. It already put him in a better mood.

He padded down the stairs, moving into the kitchen for a cup of coffee. Once there, he poured a large scoop of grounds into the French press Josh got him a few birthdays ago and put the kettle on. And, like all things taste-wise, of course Josh was right, the coffee from the press was much better than the cup the old coffee machine made, but how do _you_ know that, you’re _thirteen_ , you’re going to stunt your growth, who’s giving you _French pressed coffee_ -

When the water got to a crab’s eye boil, Gordon took it off the stove and poured it over the grounds, sealing it up and letting it brew. He thought back to the night before- as much as he didn’t want to say it, it was bothering him that Josh didn’t tell him what he was actually thinking about. But he wasn’t going to force him to say what it was either- he didn’t want his son to lose trust in him. And he knew trust was a two-way street. So, Gordon just had to have faith Josh was being safe and doing the right things. He turned sixteen a few weeks ago, and was testing the waters of adulthood, being responsible, all that. And as long as Josh knew that his dad was someone he could consistently rely on and someone that loved him unconditionally, that’s what mattered. Gordon mulled that over as he poured himself a cup of coffee.

He was sure feeling sentimental this morning. He sat down at the table, listening to the world outside wake up with him.

For a long time in his life, everything was so, chaotically fast- go to college right out of high school, go to graduate school right after college, get married, get internships, do the grunt work at the lab, graduate with a PhD, work a new job, adopt a kid, get letters of recommendation, work a new job, rewrite your resumé and CV over and over, work a new job, get cheated on.

Oh. That wasn’t really working at all, huh.

Get depressed. Hire a divorce lawyer. Go to preliminary hearings. Realize this is going to be a process. Get _really_ depressed. Move into a shitty little studio where he never bothered to unpack most of the boxes. Get bad. Make an impulse purchase just to get some kind of mind-numbing joy back in his life. Go off the face of the Earth for a week.

He doesn’t like thinking about that week. Made the phantom pains start.

Medication and therapy helped.

It was a long divorce. Before his big move, he and his ex split time 50/50 with Joshua in a two weeks on, two weeks off set up, stopping for a while after he went up north- flights were expensive. For a few years, he just saw Josh for a week in the winter and then a few months in the summer, but he made sure those summers were packed. Trips to the city, theme parks, the beach, the Space Needle, national parks- one year, one of his colleagues in the geology department invited him and Josh along for a field camp trip with her graduate students to Montana, doing surveying work. Josh, eight at the time and able to charm anyone, was the favorite, bringing all sorts of "cool rocks” he found to the students and the professor. While the actual work part of the trip happened during the days, Gordon and Josh spent a lot of time going off to tourist traps and gift shops, but night-time, after dinner, it was smores and discussion Gordon couldn’t quite wrap his head around, but tried his best to keep up with. He was a physics guy, after all, but it was still time to learn, alongside Josh, sitting in his lap, asking lots of questions and listening intently to the answers. Gordon took lots of pictures that trip. 

When Josh was nine, it was the final summer he just visited. He decided he wanted to live with Gordon full time, which, of course, was fine with him, but him and his ex had to go through another court case to re-evaluate custody, this time with Josh having a say in the matter. While it was a more streamlined process, it felt like it hurt more, seeing his ex look so hollow in that room. Josh never told Gordon why exactly he made that decision, and Gordon learned maybe he would, and maybe he wouldn't, but that was his to share. 

He definitely doesn't think about how a defining factor in the final ruling was not only Josh's say, but the fact that Gordon was in a very good school district, had a secure, well-paying job, and had a hearty savings account put aside for his son. No one questioned where the money had originally come from, because, after all, doctorate level jobs always pay that well, right?

These days, Gordon was just glad that after everything, he was able to start really enjoying things again and find his own comfort in the steadiness. He watched cars start down the street from the kitchen window, bathed in the long shadows of the morning sun, and the wind rustle the vegetable bushels across the way. He knew he could appreciate it in a way he hadn’t before.

He finished his cup of coffee and got started on breakfast, knowing Josh was going to come blearily plodding down the stairs any minute now. After a few moments of consideration, Gordon decided it was a pancake kind of Tuesday. Why not.

After whipping the ingredients together (and totally undercooking the first one, whoops), he set a plate out for Josh, alongside a jar of homemade blueberry jam. Josh had recently taught himself how to make jam, a noble pursuit that nonetheless left the two with enough fruit preserves in the cupboard to last, if Gordon had to make a conservative guess, forever.

He ate his pancakes the correct way, with syrup, thank you, pouring another cup of coffee. It wasn’t until he checked the time, seven o’clock, that he considered waking his son up. He probably just stayed up too late and overslept- he remembered going to bed and seeing Josh’s light still on from under the door. Gordon stood, stretching again, and made his way up the stairs, knocking gently once he reached the top.

“Hey, bud, it’s seven. You up?” He asked, waiting for a reply, or some kind of movement. Nothing. He checked across the hall, and, no, bathroom door was open, so he wasn’t in there. “Josh?” Gordon asked again before opening the door.

His heart dropped into the pit of his stomach. Maybe he was an idiot to assume he would get to _choose_ the next time he ever saw the VR headset. But, fuck, not like this. The room was empty, and deep down, he knew why, but _he’s not going to think about it_ , not yet, because he _can’t_. The computer monitor was still on, the tower’s fans whirring softly. The headset, and the controllers, sat innocently on the desk, absent of a player. Gordon sat down at the desk, adjusting his glasses to read the screen and confirm the deep fear bubbling up inside him- it was Josh’s steam account, showing he was currently playing _HL1: VR & A.I._

Gordon felt tears well up in his eyes. Blood rushed to his face and all at once he felt like he was going to explode and collapse. He _knew_ the game could do this. He experienced it first hand, and he kept it. He kept it _in the house_. _Of course_ Josh was going to find it. Of course he was going to try it out, why wouldn’t he? This was all his fault. He’s going to lose his son, and it’s going to be his fault.

Fuck. Fuck, no. No, that was _not_ going to happen _._ Not on his _fucking_ watch. He spent too long in his life fighting tooth and nail just to have things be _okay_. After, fucking, _everything_ , he wasn’t about to let this old, shitty game take away anything else from him, ever again. He didn’t care what it might take or how long. It doesn’t fucking matter. He could feel his hands shaking, but slowly subsiding as the shock and sadness turned into a very focused, crosshairs anger. He was going to get his son out, and once he’s out, he’s going to destroy the game once and for all.

He’s done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can someone help this man. can someone PLEASE help this man. 
> 
> this was. a bit of a heavier chapter. it's gonna be a little heavy for a second. bitter with the sweet.


	5. Threshold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe Josh isn't quite coping as well as he'd like to be.

The science team found themselves on the benches in the middle of the locker room. Tommy sat next to Josh while Dr. Coomer and Bubby sat across from them. Benrey sat on the floor near Bubby. Josh kept his head in his hands, bouncing his leg and trying to keep himself together.

“Is, are you alright with a hand on your back?” Tommy asked gently. Josh nodded, not really having the capacity to talk yet. Tommy obliged, and Josh appreciated the soft weight held there. It was something.

Bubby shifted uncomfortably.

“I’m… I’m sorry, about earlier. I thought you were, your dad.” Bubby said, the words tumbling out awkwardly. “Probably, still isn’t an excuse though.” He added. Josh stayed quiet. The room itself was stifling with silence. Like everyone was holding their breath.

“’S okay.” Josh finally spoke, his voice cracking slightly. He suddenly laughed, but the sound was sharp, tinged with frayed nerves and anxiety. “My dad’s gonna be so pissed at me!“ He said through gritted teeth, sinking further into his hands.

“He, he’s not gonna, be mad, Mr. F- Josh! It’s, it was an honest mistake!” Tommy assured. Josh picked his head up, face red as he tried to sort through everything crashing down on him.

“I went through his stuff! He doesn’t go through my stuff! I just-“ Josh sighed, exasperated, running over everything on repeat in his head. He started talking rapid fire.

“I was in the attic, and I found the headset, and I was like ‘oh, nice’, because they’re, like, expensive, so I plugged it into my computer and started downloading this game, and then we had dinner, and I _wanted_ to ask Dad about it, but I didn’t, and I just thought I’d play for a bit or something and go to bed, and now I- I don’t even know what time it is. I don’t know how long I’ve been here, I don’t know what’s happening, I-“ Josh ran his hands through the shaved sides of his head in an attempt to calm himself down- that was a good texture. It felt grounding, but it wasn’t quite enough, and he was still completely frazzled.

“I had- I had shit to do today!” He continued. “And now I’m gonna fall behind on all my class stuff, and my teachers are already like, ‘why are you so _bad_ at everything, your dad’s a _professor_ ’, but I’m not _bad_ , but I always feel so _stupid_ , because it’s all just _hard_ , and now it’s gonna be even _harder_ , and-” He felt himself spiraling, not totally registering the hot, angry tears rolling down his cheeks. Frustrated and trying to will himself to just _shut up_ , stop dumping all this on guys you _don’t even know_ , he put his hands back over his face and shouted into his palms. He really hated that he was melting down in front of, essentially, complete strangers, and he felt awkward, and terrible, and upset, and so, _so_ self-conscious, but he couldn’t process anything else but Right Now and the gravity of it.

“It doesn’t even matter.” He said after a pause in his hands. “Dad’s gonna be so disappointed with me. He _trusts_ me." He curled deeper in on himself. "I fucked up so bad.” He said, slightly muffled. More than anything, he just wanted to melt into the ground and stay there for the rest of his life. The entire team was quiet, and that almost made it worse, Josh’s ears burning red with shame.

“Hey,” Benrey finally spoke. Josh took a moment before tilting his head up to look at him. With him sitting on the floor, they were already at level with each other, so it didn’t take much effort. But even without fully showing his face, Benrey saw his puffy eyes, residual hurt and anger still lurking behind them. “Uhhhh, look at this please.”

He began to sing, but something else happened- colorful, glowing orbs drifted from his mouth and filled the room, making their way to the ceiling and bathing the walls in blues and greens and yellows. Josh slowly sat up, following the lights and watching them dance. The harsh flickering the fluorescence once had seemed to get softer and dimmer as the team gazed at the shimmering spectacle, floating like lava lamp oil.

“Black Mesa Sweet Voice!” Tommy smiled. “It’s been a while, but, but I think… Y- Yeah! Azure to golden hay means ‘it’s gonna be okay’!”

This, very easily, could’ve been more overwhelming, but there was a strange reassurance that washed over Josh, watching the Sweet Voice and listening to the soft song. Like everything really _was_ going to be okay. He still had his anxieties, but it was like the bubbles cleared his head- his brain slowed down, his once frantic thoughts now moving at a rate he could actually process and collect himself over. He took a deep breath as a pale blue globule floated in front of him leisurely. Tentative, he reached a hand out and poked it- it shook a little, as if it was made of gelatin, but it still retained its weightless, plasmatic form, travelling aimlessly along.

 _Wow_. Benrey’s song went on a little longer, until a good percentage of the ceiling was covered, more than a few spheres floating down and flitting about the room. Josh sniffed, wiping his eyes. The stupid HEV suit was all metal and edges and the few parts of fabric it had were some kind of under-armor material that didn’t lend itself to cleaning his face at all. Dr. Coomer suddenly held out a neatly folded handkerchief, “H. P. C.” embroidered in the corner with a lime green thread. Josh gave him a weak smile before taking it. Yeah, that worked a lot better.

“I’m, I’m full of, uh, _wisdom,_ and, _musicality_. Classically trained. I’m just that good.” Benrey announced. Josh couldn’t stifle his laugh- maybe it was just a way to release emotion more than anything, but it was welcome nonetheless. And it shifted the conversation away from him- that was also welcome. He wasn’t quite in the headspace to contend with himself yet. At the laugh, Benrey kept going, deciding to run with the bit a little more.

“What, you think- you think I’m _jokes_? I’m- fuckin’- I went to the- the _Op-Er-A_ , and then they said **No, You’re Toooooo Good, You’ll Make Everyone _Feel Bad_**. _And_ I’m soooo deep, bro, I know, _all_ the facts about **Frogger the Great Quest for the PS2**. That’s like, one thousand wisdom. I’m great. I’m a triple threat. I know a everything.”

“Oh, Benrey, have you also read all fifty-two million Wikipedia articles in all available three-hundred-and-nine languages?” Dr. Coomer asked.

“Uh, no, but, but there’s a difference between, uh, my _deep thoughts_ , and _intelligence_. You, you got that beefed up intelligence stat, and I’ve got, **double-decker beefy five layers** wisdom. We- we bring our own, skills, to the RPG party. Gotta have that _epic_ _team balance_ for _maximum gamer strats_.” Benrey retorted.

“Wh- What are you _saying_.” Josh snorted, a smile slowly coming back to his face.

“The **truth** , _bro_.” It might not have helped, y’know, _the current situation_ , but it wasn’t, it didn’t feel great cool seeing Josh upset. After finding out that he wasn’t _The_ Feetman, Benrey felt like he had a chance to try again- be better, than last time. After all, he didn’t _want_ to be bad- he was forced to be. Right?

He had a lot of time to think about what happened with Gordon. Probably too much. Maybe he was hoping he could prove he wasn’t doomed to be a villain.

“Thanks, guys.” Josh said to the group. His face burned, feeling the familiar guilt that always came after he got upset. “I’m, ah, really sorry, about that.”

“It’s quite alright, Joshua, there’s no need to apologize.” Dr. Coomer said. “This kind of experience isn’t common, to say the least, and you had a Perfectly Understandable Reaction to a Stressful Situation!” Bubby nodded.

“Listen, I set things on fire when I’m _minorly_ inconvenienced.” He started, then paused for a moment in thought. “I think you may be the most emotionally adjusted here, actually. Besides Tommy, but that’s a high bar.” Bubby joked.

“Yeah? That’s saying something.” Josh teased. He knew he also, just, felt things harder, and while most of the time, he was able to keep a firm button on his emotions, it meant he always felt like he failed when he got visibly distressed, or, worse, had an outburst. It meant stares, and being shunned by his peers, or punished by his teachers. Or both.

But… That wasn’t happening right now? Benrey did his Sweet Voice, Tommy comforted him, Dr. Coomer and Bubby reassured him. This was different. He was used to his dad helping him through this kind of stuff, but it sometimes felt like he was the only adult in Josh’s corner. But now he had four, apparently. Huh.

“Do you want some, some water?” Tommy asked, seeming to materialize a soda can from thin air. However, looking at the label, sure enough, it said “water”. “I also have, regular soda, but, I think, hydrating is important!” Josh took the can from Tommy, cracking open the tab with a pop.

“Thanks.” He said before taking an experimental sip. Yep, that really was water. And as soon as it touched his lips, Josh realized how thirsty he actually was, and chugged it.

“Yeaaaahhhhhh, frat star.” Benrey cheered. Josh finished and wiped his mouth.

“Wait, hah, look-“ Josh said before crushing the can flat on the metal chest plate of the HEV suit. Benrey cheered in his usual monotone, but still got his excitement across with his whoops. Tommy laughed.

“D- Don’t worry, Joshua!” Tommy started. “One day, you’ll be able to crush them against your head, just like me!”

“You can _do that_?” Josh was incredulous.

“What the hell are you on about?” Bubby asked.

“Alpha… Delta… Balpha, hingus-gringus.” Benrey said. “W- Wait, hold on, I’m changing my answer, whuh, what’s the frat from _‘Legally Blonde’_.”

“I believe you’re referring to a Sorority!” Dr. Coomer corrected. The conversation lit the room back up, Dr. Coomer reciting the Wikipedia pages for sororities and fraternities while Bubby listened intently. Benrey added “helpful” commentary. Josh turned to Tommy, much more composed and ready to start actually tackling the more tangible matter.

“So, what now? I’ve- What do we do?” Josh asked. “I guess… I don’t know if you know, but, do you know how my dad got out? Maybe, if we do that, we can all get out! I want to help you guys, like, actually. I’ve- I mean, I don’t know, where you’d go, but once we’re out, I bet you can totally crash on the couch for a bit. I think he at least owes you all that. I don’t know, that’s later-“ Josh realized he was rambling. “Ah, sorry- do you know how we get to the surface?” Tommy thought for a moment.

“Well, last time, we- you saw, the door to the main tram is shut, but, if we head to the lobby, there’s- there should be an open vent we can go through, and start making our way out!” He started. “We’re, we’re probably going through… A lot of vents, and- Joshua, this place is huge! We’re definitely gonna be, doing some walking!” He paused for a moment. “I should, warn you, I guess it’s a spoiler, but the military is going to come, and you might think they’re gonna help us, but, but they’re not, so, we’ll have to, you know… Get them.”

“So… Get to the surface, avoid the military, maybe kill the military. That’s, pretty standard video game stuff. We can do this.” Josh assured himself. “I’m not gonna lie, I’m a little worried about, uh, dying. Like, is it a ‘you die in the game, you die in real life’ kind of thing? I just- it might be good to know.” Josh fiddled with one of the panels on his leg. Dr. Coomer stopped his Wikipedia monologue and looked to the teenager.

“Gordon never died in our Original Run, Joshua, despite there being plenty of times he should have!” Dr. Coomer said. “He- He did get, injured, quite a bit, but he didn’t die, ever.” He thought for a moment, as if it was the first time he was considering this. His face gave way to befuddlement, but quickly changed, steeling himself and adopting an encouraging tone. 

“Joshua, we are going to do our utmost to assure you don’t get hurt. I’m- Well, I’m not sure if the player _can_ die, necessarily, and I’m sure none of us are eager to find out, either… But rest assured, I’ve died plenty of times from all sorts of horrible beasts and sludges, and once, a door! But I’m all better now!” As comforting as Dr. Coomer tried to sound, all Josh could really do was nod slowly.

“You, respawned, then?” He asked, trying to take some consolation in that.

“Yes, I suppose I did Re-Spawn!”

“Okay, that’s something.” Josh looked around the group for confirmation, and there didn’t seem to be any objections to what Dr. Coomer was saying. Alright. Josh took a deep breath, psyching himself up for the road ahead. It was gonna be okay, just like the Sweet Voice said. He had four people on his side, and they’ve gone through the game before, so they know what’s up, right? It’d be okay, and it’d be just like any standard video game. They’d get to the surface, they’d get out of Black Mesa, get out of the computer, and go home. Easy as pie!

“Hey,” Josh started. “If, I can ask, what’s the story with you guys? Like… Are you… Did you also get sucked in and trapped here?” Dr. Coomer’s expression turned slightly sour.

“It’s, complicated, Joshua.” He began. “If you’ll forgive me, it’s a bit of a sensitive topic. You see, we are Machine Learning Artificial Intelligence. But, we’ve all had a rather deep confrontation with our own existence, and beyond that. We kept learning, and growing more than our original script intended… I’d argue, at this point, we’re more human than A.I., after the bulk of experience we’ve had with your father.” Dr. Coomer paused, parsing his words. “Joshua, I don’t mean to frighten you, but, if only for brevity, when you are, confronted, with the lack of depth in this Video Game Life, it’s existentially nightmarish. I, at one point, found my way up to the skybox of the game. I saw the truth. There was _nothing_ beyond Black Mesa. My own memories had told me otherwise, that there was a whole world out there, but there just, _wasn't_.” Dr. Coomer sighed. “We- we don’t even know if it’s possible, but, because your father was able to get out, we thought, perhaps, there would be a way for us to get out too. I suppose that’s the long and short of it.” He finished. The room returned to its silence. Josh ruminated, tapping his fingers absently, before standing up.

“I guess that settles it, then.” He said. “I- if I can get out, then, there has to be a way to get you guys out too. Plain and simple. So, yeah. All or nothing.”

That was a daunting proposition, but he knew it was the right thing to do. He’d just have to finish what his dad started- it was the only way he could think to, at least, begin, fixing the damage fifteen years had done. The team stared at him, obviously weary- of course they’d have trouble believing him. His dad probably said a similar thing. He swallowed. “I’m serious. Like, super serious.” That didn’t make him sound serious at all, he realized a little too late. He rocked side to side, weighing how he could prove his earnestness.

He stuck his pinkie out to the center of the group.

“Pinkie promise. And I can’t break that. Otherwise you’d have to cut my pinkie off. That’s the rules. And I’d like to keep my fingers. So,” He gestured, then realized. “Oh, you, you all lock pinkies together. I mean, usually you just do it with two people, but-“

Benrey joined first, and for a moment, the older men all stared at him hesitantly. They were contemplating what Josh said, unsure if he knew the actual weight of his words. Of course, Gordon’s unfortunate limb removal wasn’t lost on them- but did Josh know? And more so, did Josh know it was Benrey who mainly orchestrated it? No one was necessarily eager to spill the beans on that, what with all the unknowns. Besides, they didn't even know if that part of the game would happen again, and it seemed like Josh trusted them; they weren’t about to actively try to lose it.

Benrey looked at their interlocked pinkies. _Human rituals_. Josh’s hand was smaller than Gordon’s, Benrey remembered. Gordon was a very tactile person, always putting his hands on Benrey’s shoulders, or grabbing his arm, or putting a hand on his back- he thought about that instead of focusing on the obvious eyes piercing through him.

Tommy joined next after another moment, giving Josh a nod. Then Dr. Coomer, and Bubby wasn’t far behind him. Josh smiled.

“All or nothing.” He repeated.

“All or nothing!” Tommy parroted.

“All or nothing, science team!” Dr. Coomer agreed.

“Alright, this isn’t _‘Air Bud’_ , we don’t have to-“ Bubby started.

“ **B** all or **B** othing.” Benrey reverberated, making the room shake slightly with each hard “B”. Josh flinched, looking up at the ceiling, wondering how its structural integrity was after the Resonance Cascade.

“How did you… Actually, you can do Black Mesa Sweet Voice, so I guess that’s not, out of the question, huh?” Josh reasoned.

“Yeah, I’m, uh, fucked up. It’s chiller.” Benrey said.

“Okay.” Josh accepted. He was just going to brush past that. Whatever. It’s “chiller”. But now the team was together! And they had a plan- er, a goal, at least. They’d figure out a plan eventually, Josh thought. A few more moments passed. Josh coughed.

“Uh, we can let go now, guys.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> geez josh how come your writer lets you have multiple adult figures in your life you can look up to and trust. kind of fucked up.  
> i rly wanted benrey's B's to be 🅱️ 's but i couldnt get it to look good on desktop and mobile so. F in the chat for that  
> anywayz frat boy tommy real and adhd josh real  
> thank u for reading !!!!


	6. New (Old) Character (Friend)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gordon starts troubleshooting.

Gordon already called Josh out sick for the day and emailed his own students that he wouldn’t be able to make it to the lab today, but that the TA would be there to assist and answer questions. He did it all in a haze, his mind fogging over, simultaneously recognizing the magnitude of the situation while also trying to compartmentalize one piece at a time. He was able to set up a dual-monitor with his laptop and Joshua’s desktop, transferring the image that was on the empty VR headset to the desktop. Now, the main game visual was there, shifted to a 3rd person perspective, as if watching the team through security camera angles, and Gordon had reign of his laptop to do what he needed to do. There wasn’t any audio, but that would have to do for now.

It was, weird, seeing the science team again. And _Benrey_. Gordon felt his anger seethe before locking it up again. He wanted to yell, to tell Josh to get as far away from these people as possible, to find somewhere safe to hide and stay put until Gordon could get him out, but he didn’t have that option. At least, not yet. He’d figure out something. For now, it looked like he was a sitting duck, but the more focused he was, the faster he’d be able to get Josh back.

After some feverish googling, he was able to open up the console for the game. He racked his brain trying to remember what codes he used when he played- back in the day, he just felt like he’d be able to enjoy the game more if he wasn’t so afraid of dying all the time. Of course, he did this as if by prophetic epiphany- he doesn’t know what would’ve happened if he was _actually_ able to die in the game. After enabling the console, he got back into the main game’s screen and opened the command window, dragging it over to his laptop and beginning to type.

_sv_cheats 1_

_/god_

Okay. Cool. He pressed enter.

_[ERROR]. Command not recognized. Input **/help** for list of commands. _

Maybe he just typed it wrong. He tried again.

 _/God  
_ _[ERROR]. Command not recognized. Input **/help** for list of commands.  
_ _/god-mode  
_ _[ERROR]. Command not recognized. Input **/help** for list of commands.  
_ _/God-Mode  
_ _[ERROR]. Command not recognized. Input **/help** for list of commands._

No, no, no, no.

_/help_

**_Having trouble, Mr. Freeman?_ **

He nearly jumped back when those words appeared on the screen, loading in like any other prompt. He stared, frozen as it continued typing.

 ** _How have the last, fifteen years, been for you? They’ve been rather… Contemplative, for me.  
_** ** _You know, originally, I was supposed to put_** you ** _in stasis, not the other way around._**

Gordon took a deep breath. This wasn’t happening. He put his fingers back on the keys.

_G-Man?_

**_I must say, I’m surprised you remember me at all. It’s so good to speak to you, again._ **

Okay. Absolutely not. He was in no mood to put up with this shit today.

_Stop fucking around. Let me into the console._

**_Is that anyway to talk to an old friend? I believe, you should think more carefully about what you say. We wouldn’t want anything to happen._ **

_We are not friends. Do not threaten me. Let me in. I have stuff to do._

**_Like protect your son?_ **

Gordon paled. He knew.

 **_I’m, frankly, disappointed, Mr. Freeman. I provided so much for you.  
_ ** **_I’ve noticed your region is different. Used our money for a fresh start, I assume?  
_ ** **_I suppose that’s beside the point- it was yours to do what you wanted with.  
_ ** **_But you still took it, and you left your friends to rot.  
_ ** **_I’m sure you’re familiar with the concept of loans. You do realize, one day, you have to pay them back, yes?_ **

_I didn’t ask you to give me money. You can’t hold that over me.  
_ _What do you want me to do?? Do you want it back??  
_ _Be mad at me. But he doesn’t have anything to do with this._

 **_This is beyond money. I could care less, actually. No- I thought of it more as an appeal. Insurance, that you would come back. Do what you promised.  
_ ** **_Perhaps that was naïve of me.  
_ ** **_They spent so many years in the dark.  
_ ** **_As did I, but, you already know, I don’t entirely comply by the rules laid out in this world. Or yours.  
_ ** **_I got to keep living. And becoming, greater, than when we last met.  
_ ** **_All I really needed was to be awoken again. I’ll have to give my thanks to Joshua, somehow.  
_ ** **_But I have plans, Mr. Freeman.  
_ ** **_And you do not factor into them._ **

_Can you stop being so fucking cryptic for two seconds and listen to me????  
_ _I’m sorry, I really am. I’m sorry for not coming back, but don’t use my son against me. Just, put me back in the game and do what you want. I don’t care. Get him out. I know you can._

 **_I understand wanting to protect your progeny. I asked you to keep mine safe, all those years ago, I’m sure you remember. So, I am sympathetic to your plight. One father to another.  
_ ** **_Because of that sympathy, I feel the need to remind you about how, violent, the science team can be.  
_ ** **_How is your arm, by the way?_ **

_Don’t you fucking dare. This isn’t right and you know it. He’s my only child.  
_ _Please.  
_ _G-Man, I swear, I’ll do anything, just please don’t put him through that, I’m begging you._

 **_I wouldn’t hurt your son. Especially not after the favor he did me.  
_ ** **_I can’t speak for the others. Who knows what kind of spite they feel towards you?_ **

_Shut the fuck up. I’m not going to be manipulated by you.  
_ _I don’t know what you’re trying to get out of this, but you do not get to use Josh as a bargaining chip. That’s fucking cruel. That’s not what parents do. You should know that._

**_Mr. Freeman, I’m simply offering you a decision. Your son’s protection, in exchange for what I want._ **

_No. You either get my son out, now, or I pull the plug._

It was a bluff, but he needed some kind of play against him. Another prompt didn’t show up for a few moments. Gordon felt his chest tighten.

**_You’re not a very smart negotiator, Mr. Freeman. Let me know when you reconsider my proposition._ **   
**_In the meantime, I wouldn’t worry too much.  
_ _After all, it’s just a game, isn’t it?_**

Lines of binary and code started scrolling through the console command window, the conversation launching upward. Gordon snapped at attention, pressing the escape key, the tilde, return, delete, anything, but the code kept coming. He heard the tower’s fans working hard, his own motions getting more frantic until the laptop and the desktop monitor went black, overloaded with the program.

He couldn’t breathe. He could feel his heart thumping in his chest, unbridled rage building up in the pit of his stomach and washing over him.

He didn’t know what to do.

Powerlessness. He couldn’t help himself when he was in the game, and now he can’t even help his son. He’s such an idiot. He’s a horrible father. Even if- _when,_ Josh gets out of the game, he’s going to hate him. He’s going to think he abandoned him like he abandoned the science team, and-

This isn’t helping anything. One thing at a time, Gordon. Take back control. One thing at a time.

He knew G-Man wouldn’t just, kill the program. That wouldn’t make sense. Even though the monitors were blank, the computer tower was still gently humming. That was good. Following that train of thought, G-Man probably just killed the screens, but the game was still running. And he could probably un-kill them when Gordon agreed to whatever fucked up deal G-Man was trying to force him into. Which was _not_ happening. There was plenty of time to fix this, and get Josh out before, _it_ happened, somehow, no matter what G-Man said.

Gordon thought about his hand. He wasn’t wrong when he said the science team was violent. But they wouldn’t do that, not again.

They might. Especially if they were already pissed off with Gordon. He remembered all the gaslighting and distraction and whispered orchestrations- as much as he tried not to think about it, he really couldn’t forget. He was coming to terms with that.

Maybe they _were_ set on revenge. Maybe- no, don’t think about that, it wasn’t getting him any closer to helping his son. Joshua was a very capable person. Even if they _tried_ anything, he was _smart_ , way smarter than Gordon was when he was in the game. He wouldn’t get played by them. He wouldn’t get lured into that dark room, and be alone, with only the sounds of the people he thought he could trust encouraging his attackers, listening as the knife-

Gordon took a deep breath. That’s not happening. And he’ll get him out way before then anyway. He unplugged his laptop from the dual-monitor setup he worked so hard on, pushing the power button to see if it would restart. Nothing. Fuck. Another deep breath. Refocus. He had a work computer the college provided him, but that was on campus. He really didn’t want to leave the computer unattended while he drove over, but he wasn’t sure what other option he had. He definitely wasn’t taking G-Man up on his offer. He’d figure this out. He’s a doctor of theoretical physics, for fuck’s sake. He was also smart. He was capable.

He was going to get his son back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait & the shorter chapter jfdhgkdjf. how im doin this is i try to stay at least three chapters ahead of what ive uploaded, so i gotta write a chapter before i upload the next one, & th last one i wrote is. A Long One. so look forward to that! im just tryin to hav some sort of method to my fucked up and evil ways.
> 
> thank you so much for reading!!! as always comments + kudos are super appreciated !! yall hav been so nice i want to print out all the comments and put them in a folder full of happy feelings so thank you so much !!


	7. Level 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The new science team begins their journey to the surface.

The science team distributed guns and ammo while Tommy tied the medkits together by the handles with a spare belt in Dr. Coomer’s locker, throwing them over his shoulder like a backpack. Bubby got a revolver and Dr. Coomer got a shotgun- Benrey and Tommy both already had pistols. Josh took a few swings with the crowbar, until Bubby cleared his throat.

“Would you like a gun?” He asked. Josh turned to him, startled out of the practice.

“I, uh, don’t really, know how to use one.” He paused. “I’m chill with the crowbar. I feel badass with the crowbar. Like, ‘watch out’!”

“I can show you how to shoot, if, if you want!” Tommy joined in.

“UH, hah, I’m good.” Josh said. “I mean. If I was, you know, not in a video game, and just playing it, like, yeah, but, I’m…” He swallowed. “I don’t wanna waste ammo, I’d just slow you all down. Thanks, though.”

“If you say so.” Bubby shrugged.

“Science Team, I believe we’re ready to begin our grand escapade!” Dr. Coomer stated.

“Let’s fuck it up!” Bubby agreed. The posse gathered up and made their way out of the locker room, looping back around to the main lobby, Josh leading the way. They got in, the large metal doors shut over the tram entrance, nothing else in the room but the monitors and circular desk he saw when he first came through.

“Where’s the vent?” Josh asked. He made his way over to the desk, inspecting the room before something exploded behind him.

“Look, Joshua! Beasts!”

“Wha-“ He responded, turning around just as a creature lunged at him. It was a small, pale yellow, bulbous thing, with two red pincers and the beginnings of a huge, circular mouth on its underbelly. Josh leapt up onto the desk with surprising agility for being in the bulky HEV suit. As it started turning around, redirecting itself to jump back to him, Josh threw the crowbar at it, hitting it straight on while Dr. Coomer shot at it. Josh reached up to hold his ears, but surprisingly, the gun wasn’t as loud as he thought it would be. Perhaps it was just the sound design of the game, but he sure was thankfully for it. Aurally, Josh had a more heightened sensitivity- he got overstimulated with noise, flinching or startling easily. He had been concerned about the guns, but it seemed like they wouldn’t be too much trouble. Still wasn’t eager to touch one, though.

Josh looked back to the creature. It clicked and unceremoniously died, sprawling itself flat and leaking rancid, green fluid. Some of the inevitable spray-back from the shotgun ended up on Josh, he realized with a wry face. Gross.

“Our first encounter!” Dr. Coomer said. Josh slid himself off the desk.

“I’m, uh, assuming that was because of the Resonance Cascade?” He asked, picking up his crowbar and trying unsuccessfully to wipe the goo off of his suit.

“Pictures? Pictures for memories? Please and thank you?” Benrey asked, holding a camera. Where he got one, Josh had no idea. He stood like a deer in headlights, next to the vanquished foe, as Dr. Coomer joined in, looking proud as ever. The camera flashed, and in another instant, it was gone, Benrey seemingly satisfied with the picture. Josh blinked a few times, then couldn’t help snickering, if not partly from disbelief of the situation.

“You’re like my dad! You gotta frame it and put it up in the hallway, next.” He joked. He felt a little melancholy, thinking about home, but ignored it. He’d get out of here with the gang and be home before he knew it! Speak of the devil,

“Let’s gooooooo!” Bubby called from the other side of the room. He was crouched over and starting to shimmy his way into the vent that the creature, apparently, had opened up. Josh guessed he must’ve had to move into the room to trigger the entrance opening. Bubby quickly disappeared, Dr. Coomer did a light jog over and crawled in next. Benrey suddenly clipped over to them.

“BIG ADVENTURE.” He boomed before going in. Tommy looked over to Josh.

“Do, do you wanna go first? Or I can!” He asked.

“Go for it, Tommy.” Josh said. He wondered how well he’d be able to crawl through with the suit, but he supposed if his dad could do it, he could too. Tommy walked over and effortlessly got into the vent, leaving Josh. He looked around the room, making sure there weren’t anymore of those, things, then walked over and pulled himself inside.

It was a short trek, the troupe going deeper inside the facility. Bubby held Dr. Coomer’s hand as he slid out of the vent, Benrey and Tommy following. Josh, rather ungracefully, pulled himself out and tumbled onto the floor. He’d really have to get used to moving around in this thing. He stood up, dusting himself off.

“You- You get used to it! Practice makes perfect!” Tommy assured. Josh nodded. The group continued onward, making their way through the halls and crawling through broken doors- no other “beasts”, as Dr. Coomer referred to them, yet.

“So… You guys have a name for the, pincer, guys?” Josh asked- at the moment, Bubby was leading the way- seemed he knew best.

“Ah, yes, the Crawlies!” Dr. Coomer responded. “We’ll meet many of them! And Peeper-Puppies! And Vonneguts! And also, the military!”

“Damnable boot-boys!” Bubby said. Seemed like the vernacular wasn’t too hard to wrap his head around. They kept going down until Bubby rounded a corner, where another scientist who looked just like Dr. Coomer was standing. While he shared all the same physical characteristics, Josh immediately noticed how much more, blank, he appeared.

“Ah, Dr. Freeman. You lead the way!” This “Dr. Coomer” said, looking about a foot over Josh’s head. He turned to see if maybe he was looking at someone behind him, but no. Josh turned to the Dr. Coomer in their group.

“Should… Is he, coming with?” Josh asked carefully.

“Absolutely not!” Dr. Coomer cheerily responded before walking up and punching the scientist. It was sort of beautiful, watching him soar through the air in a rag-doll before crunching into the wall. “It appears my clones have returned!”

“I think… I think those are just… Dudes.” Josh said, briefly wondering how lethal the Black Mesa Underground Boxing Ring was.

“Oh, no. Much like Bubby has his prototypes roaming around, I have my clones! It’s better to take them out as we see them!” Dr. Coomer reassured. 

“Okay, wait-“ Josh started. The group continued walking as Dr. Coomer and Bubby explained. It took the better part of their walk, occasionally killing a Crawlie when they came across it. Eventually, they moved onto recounting stories from when they were younger men, keeping the whole group entertained with tales of daring adventures outside of Black Mesa. There was a small, unspoken agreement in it- they all knew the memories weren’t “real”, necessarily, but if they made them happy, why should it matter?

Josh had been so absorbed in the conversation that it genuinely surprised him when they reached a new elevator. He hesitated to press the button, but did so anyway, and to his relief, the door actually opened. It looked stable enough to go inside, and the rest of the group didn’t waver, so neither did Josh.

“-while it was an excellent game, after Bubby set the billiards table on fire, of course, we were politely asked to leave the establishment.” Dr. Coomer said, finishing a story about one of the many times he broke Bubby out of his tube. Josh pushed the only button- deeper into the depths of Black Mesa.

“I won! I couldn’t have anyone else winning after me!” Bubby justified. “Harold, they were _not_ polite to us. We ran out of there while they were throwing beer bottles and bar peanuts!”

“But wasn’t it exhilarating! The blood pumping through our veins, the bubbling laughter, you shouting offenses at the patrons, our hands clasped with the other’s- a perfect Date Night!” Dr. Coomer replied. He turned back to Josh. “It was always bittersweet, the motorcycle ride back to Black Mesa. You know, Bubby always insisted on wearing my leather jackets, hiding them around the facility and putting them on when I would bust him out.” Dr. Coomer sighed, contemplative. “I remember those times fondly.”

“It’s not _my_ fault you had cool clothes. What else was I supposed to do?” Bubby tacked on. “…Do you remember the one with the flames on the sleeves?”

“How could I forget your most favorite one?” Dr. Coomer laughed warmly.

“You rode a motorcycle?” Josh asked, the elevator dinging as they reached their floor.

“I used to! Joshua, once we’re out of here, I’ll show you how to ride one!” Dr. Coomer beamed.

“Do they let you drive a motorcycle if you just have a learner’s permit? I mean, I’d love to, but-“

“Oh, that doesn’t matter! We’re already war criminals!” Dr. Coomer said. While Josh was slowly getting used to the more off-the-wall things the team said, every once in a while they’d say something that’d leave him speechless.

They kept walking. The halls were getting less complex, so Josh took the lead, everyone’s guns (and crowbar) held at the ready. The deeper they got into the lab, the more claustrophobic he felt, but the high ceilings were helping. Nonetheless, he felt himself starting to drag.

“You… Do you guys know if there’s a place to rest up ahead? It’s kinda hitting me I haven’t slept, like, all night.” Josh thought for a moment, realizing he didn’t actually know how long he’d been in Black Mesa. His internal clock was already starting to get screwed up, with seemingly nothing in the facility to tell time by.

“There’s- There’s a breakroom a little ways away!” Tommy said. “We, we’re gonna have to go through the, uh, a sewer.” Josh grimaced a little. “It’s- the water, looks clean! Blue!” Tommy quickly backtracked.

“It’s… It’s okay. I’ll just hold my nose, no worries.” Josh waved him off. He stretched, trying to prepare himself more to fight whatever they might find. Bubby and Dr. Coomer took the lead, Benrey, Tommy, and Josh trailing behind. Of course, the game itself didn’t stop. Before they reached the actual grate into the sewer, they had another Crawlies ambush, about seven of them descending on the team, everybody shooting and swinging them off, and met the first set of Peeper-Puppies. Josh quickly found out he did not care for them at all. Sure, they moved a lot like dogs, and were even kind of cute, until one powered up and emitted a sonic blast right at him, waking him up in the worst way possible. He had been hanging heavy before the attack, but after being in the line of a pulse, he had to hold his ears for minutes after they got taken out. Even when he could stand to face the world without his hands over his ears, the ringing was still there, quieter, but nonetheless present. Needless to say, he hoped they wouldn’t meet more anytime soon- just the one instance had taken a lot of his energy out of him.

After the slog through the winding connections of hallways, they finally reached the gate. Josh quickly got it open with the crowbar- just get through here, and you can rest, he reminded himself. He shimmied himself through the opening, this time a little more dignified than his vent experience earlier. He lowered himself down into the tunnel, landing with a small splash- the water really was uncharacteristically blue, just like Tommy said. And it sure didn’t smell like a sewer- it didn’t smell like anything, actually. He was starting to realize Black Mesa didn’t really have scents.

The tunnel was, once again, massive, Josh took note as he looked around. Beige, concrete walls surrounded them on all sides, some passages blocked off with metal bars just wide enough for the calf-high water to slip through, but definitely not a person. Tommy scooted in, followed by the other two scientists. Benrey didn’t bother, clipping into the water next to Josh. He startled, but collected himself once he realized it was just the guard. Tommy lead the way, holding his pistol out confidently. Tommy was easily the best shot in the group, Josh had noticed, taking out most of the enemies with just one clean bullet, whereas the others needed two or three. He was also coming to terms with the fact that the crowbar was definitely not the most efficient weapon, but all the same, at least he had a melee he was comfortable with.

He flinched as Tommy’s gunfire echoed through the sewer- two shots, this time. Must’ve been a bigger enemy. Josh followed to where Tommy was, looking at the new foe leaking green into the otherwise serene pool. It was some kind of large, chartreuse beast with dark brown speckles all over its body, a mouth that looked like a mole’s half submerged in the water. Tommy looked to Josh, proud of his handiwork. Josh gave him a weak thumbs up. Tommy’s expression dropped a bit.

“Are you, are you feeling alright?” He asked. Josh nodded.

“Yeah, sorry. Just tired.” He said.

“O-Oh! I can carry you if you want!” Tommy responded. That caught Josh.

“What? Ha, that’s, ah, that’s very nice of you, I’m-“ He sputtered, then patted on the HEV suit. “I’m like, a full person, and this thing is heavy, I don’t wanna-“ He was interrupted by Tommy bending down, back towards Josh. “Aw, man, now your lab coat’s getting all wet, dude.”

“If- If you’re uncomfortable with it, that’s okay too, but, but I’m stronger than I look, if that’s what you’re worried about!” Tommy reassured. Josh hesitated for a moment. The last time he got a piggyback ride was when he was, seven? But he’d be damned if his whole body didn’t beckon him to just take his offer. Whatever, he didn’t have the energy to fight with himself. He trudged over and got on Tommy’s back, arms hanging over his shoulders. Tommy looped his arms around his legs and stood up easily. He gently took the crowbar from Josh, passing it off to Benrey, along with the makeshift bundle of medkits, then continued onward.

Josh thought back a little harder. Yeah, it must’ve really been eight or nine years ago. He had a vague memory of sitting on the pier with his dad, watching the boats on the Sound, saying something that made him laugh before getting scooped up and put on top of his shoulders. It was one of summers he was just visiting, and they were going to do something fun that day, Josh didn’t totally remember, but he did remember that.

Maybe he missed his dad. He mostly wondered what time it was outside of the game. He kept to a pretty tight schedule- both of them did, actually. At the moment, it was still a little too fresh to think about how his dad may have reacted to this whole situation- Josh convinced himself it was probably three in the morning and his dad was still fast asleep and ignorant to everything. That felt better than whatever the truth was. He listened to the water softly splashing with each step the team took, focusing on that as he slouched his head against Tommy’s shoulder.

Man, everyone was so _nice_. Sure, he had the issues with Bubby and Benrey in the beginning, but that was different. And maybe they were all eccentric, and a little loose with their trigger fingers, but they’d already done a lot for him without even really knowing him. And despite being the son of the man who kept them here after saying otherwise.

Why didn’t his dad get them out? They were all genuinely good people. No doubt odd, sure, but they were still operating in a video game. They could’ve gotten used to the real world- there’d be a learning curve, but what didn’t? It troubled him, the implication that his dad not only left these people behind, but that he left them behind despite their kindness. If they were being outright evil, it’d be easier to wrap his head around his dad’s reasoning, but they weren’t.

What happened?

Josh kept rolling that over in his head until the thought drifted away, replaced with a bone-tired deep sleep.

The rest of the team finished the walk in the sewer, heading through a metal door, up a flight of stairs, a few more dimly lit hallways later, and finally, they made it.

It was a surprisingly nice rest area- spacious. If it weren’t for some of the debris around, it could’ve looked untouched from the fallout of the Resonance Cascade. There were some tables and chairs set up, a coffee machine, a soda vending machine, and two large, very comfortable looking leather couches, wedged L-shaped in one of the far corners of the room with a table between them. Tommy gently slipped Josh off of his back, laying him down on the closest couch. Benrey put the crowbar and the medkits on the table. Dr. Coomer and Bubby made their way to the opposite end of the room, sitting down and beckoning the other two over, leaving Josh to sleep.

Once they were all seated, a sort of awkwardness filled the room. Bubby leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms, eyeing the team and getting glances back. Benrey looked firmly at the table. They all kept quiet for a while, until it got to be too much for Bubby.

“Are we going to acknowledge the elephant in the room or what?” He asked. “I know why we’re all casting Benrey the cold shoulder, but why me too?”

“Rude.” Benrey said.

“Well, dear, you did help with Gordon’s, _unfortunate accident_.” Dr. Coomer said.

“That… We _all_ did that! Maybe Benrey and I had a _slightly_ bigger part, but, he helped with that as much as I did! More, actually.” Bubby defended.

“It’s like you guys didn’t even _listen_ during our, our big bad boss fight.” Benrey said. “I didn’t _wanna_ be bad, but I got forced to be! Listen, the- we- ugh, I’m not actively out to destroy Feetman’s kid, or whatever. Like, I had enough time to, to look through my script, and it’s big dumb. I’m supposed to be a stupid security guard, and I’m supposed to be all ‘bweh, oh boy Gordon, lemme buy you a beer, woo, big day today, lemme kiss your ass, Dr. Freeman’, and, then die after the Resonance Cascade. But I _hated_ that, man, it was stupid, so I was like, I don’t know, what’d happen if I just stuck around. And this baby game decided I was the villain now. I-“ Benrey rolled his eyes. “We all know he started out not liking me. Which is fine. I’m not, like, _bitter_. The, the shitty code recognized how he was playing, and adjusted _me_ to fit _him_. Like, did you know, did you know originally, there was gonna be this fucked up, like, alien king baby thing he was supposed to defeat? It was gonna be so gross and evil, but we got to Xen, and _it wasn’t there_ , but _I_ was. And the game said, ‘oh, who does Gordon hate the most’, and picked me.” Benrey paused. “It could’ve been anybody else he was rude to! It could’ve been Tommy! Like, you’re, you’re G-Man’s son, bro, it’d make sense for it to be you, no offense. But noooo, let’s pick this fuckin’, bomb ass, totally normal dude, and make him the bad guy. Great.”

“Benrey, I don’t mean to be rude, but I don’t think you’re Normal!” Dr. Coomer added.

“Uh huh, yeah, ‘ _cause normal’s just a setting on a_ , uh, _washing machine_ , yeah.” Benrey blew a raspberry. “Like, _none_ of us are. Bubby’s a fuckin’, pyrokinetic test tube baby, Tommy’s the son of an alien, I don't know what's up with me anymore, and Dr. Coomer, you’re… You.”

“Thank you, Benrey!” Dr. Coomer said. Benrey sighed.

“Listen. Josh wasn’t like, super rudeass to me. I was kinda rudeass to him earlier, and then he was kinda rudeass, but I thought he was Gordon. Maybe shit’s normal again. Maybe we’ll get to Xen and fight the big bad baby or whatever, woo, we beat the game, Josh gets out, we get out. We just gotta, _Black Mesa Sweet Voice Calm Down Blue_ , you know. Everything’s gonna be ooohh-kay, because I’m fighting the script, and I’m big cool now. It’s _fine_.” Benrey leaned back, having said his piece on the matter. The group stayed silent a little longer.

“Now what?” Bubby asked. Dr. Coomer nodded. 

“I think… If Benrey’s correct, and we _can_ actively fight the script from last time, all we should really have to do is make a conscious effort to do things differently.” He thought a little more. “I suppose, theoretically, there’s a route we could take that involved playing the game without us, if we wanted to ensure triggering the original ending but… That doesn’t seem like an option, either.”

“Do you think,” Tommy began. “That, that with us, the original ending _can’t_ happen? Maybe… Maybe it _has_ to be one of us, as the final boss.” He rubbed his arm anxiously. “I’m… I’m just thinking about what Benrey said, and, maybe, maybe it _does_ make sense for me to be the boss, but I _really_ don’t want to do that.” He looked down at the floor. “I haven’t been- been able to contact my dad since Mr. Freeman shut down the game, and even since we’ve begun, I haven’t been able to. It’s like, like there’s some kind of fog, in my brain? Like I’m not supposed to, to know about him, being my dad, or know about him at all, so I can’t really, ask him about this, but I don’t think he’d know either, so… I don’t know… I know- I know if I was writing the code, I’d make one of us the final boss. It’s, dramatic.”

“That’s… An interesting proposition, Tommy.” Dr. Coomer said. He drummed his fingers on the table. Eyes went back to Benrey.

“I’m not doing it again!” Benrey cut the silence. “I get it! You don’t trust me not to! But I won’t!” He stood up from the table. “You can figure it out without me. I’m _not_ _bad_.” Benrey got up from the meeting and went behind the wall to the corner with the soda machine, clipping his hand through the plastic and pulling one out before materializing an oil drum and sitting on top of it. There was a few moments of silence around the table before Bubby coughed.

“Maybe it doesn’t have to be any of us?” He began. “I don’t… Want it, to be any of us.” He admitted. “But, I suppose if it does come to that, we’ll need a plan.” Tommy nodded.

The remaining three spent a good portion of their time talking over hypotheticals and scenarios for what to do if they became the final boss, how they could try to avoid that with different routes than what happened with Gordon. The inevitable hand situation arose- no one had an answer to that. It was already pre-built into the game. The player, originally, had no other option than to go into that room- the lights would go out, they’d get ambushed by the military and thrown in a trash compactor. Classic science fiction fair. But they determined it must’ve been the animosity the group had built up that caused the script to cut Gordon’s arm off; different consequences with different actions. But, theoretically, without that animosity, it would just be the ambush. And maybe the science team could take them on!

But, then, how would they progress? It continued to stump them for the better part of the night. Benrey kept listening, drinking his soda and stewing.

Another question came up over how much of this they should actually tell Joshua. He was a fine player, and they were building up some sort of kinship with him. And Gordon, obviously, never told him about this, but now that he was here, how much did he actually need to know? It was uncomfortable for a while. They eventually came to the conclusion that they should probably tell him the main plot beats- they’d go to the surface, fight the military, go to the Lambda Lab, go to Xen, fight… Whatever’s there. And if they did everything right, it’d go like that anyway. They’d beat the game, go to Tommy’s birthday party, get out. Everything else- it wasn’t solidified in stone. Nothing was predetermined (at least, they hoped that was the case), and Joshua’s run was already looking different from Gordon’s. He didn’t need to know the whole story, especially if they all played by the rules and did things right this time.

After a while, the three decided rest would be better than rehashing things again and again. Dr. Coomer and Bubby took the other couch, slotting against each other with practiced domesticity and quickly fell asleep. Tommy made his way over to Benrey, leaning against the oil barrel. Benrey put his hand through the vending machine and passed a soda to Tommy. He cracked the tab and let the silence fill the space, the only other sounds in the room being the gentle fizz of the fresh carbonation and Dr. Coomer’s snores.

“What’s stopping you from, from just clipping to the end?” Tommy asked, taking a sip of the drink. “I mean, you could. Just, just wait for us to get there, and do our thing.”

“It- it’s not like that, man.” Benrey started. “There’s- I gotta- stuff has to… Load… First…” He said.

“We, we both know that’s not true.” Tommy said before pausing for a moment. “I shouldn’t, have asked that, like I was expecting an answer. I know why. It’s because, because I know you’re not bad. You want to do good, I think. Change things here, to change the end.” He let the quiet punctuate, taking another drink. “Are, are you going to be okay? Because, it’s okay, if, if you’re not, or you’re not gonna be.” Benrey didn’t respond. Tommy tapped against his can. “I think, I think we all have to lean on each other, right now. So, you can lean on me, if you need to.” Tommy finished, smiling at Benrey. He met his eyes for a moment before looking away- Tommy was a very genuine person. He didn’t really feel like he deserved that kindness, especially after everything. Tommy sighed. “I… I remember, during the boss fight, you called your, uh, your, skeletons off from me. That was nice.” He took another drink, a little longer this time. “I think if, if you really want to be good, and, and have it be different, you’re more than able. You’re, you’re doing it already! Just, lean on me, you know!”

“Yeah.” Benrey said dumbly. He wasn’t entirely used to this level of sentimentality. It was different. Hard to process. Tommy finished off his can. “Can you really crush them on your head?” Tommy laughed before catching himself, looking over to the others making sure he didn’t wake them up, then turned back to Benrey.

“Watch-“ Was all he said before crushing the can flat on his forehead, crumpling like it was newspaper. “I learned that in the Lambda Lab! I tried, I tried to show Darnold how to do it, but, I didn’t want him, hurting his head, or anything. So I just do it!” He paused for a moment. “I miss him. And Sunkist.” He said, his usual smile faltering, if only a little. Benrey wasn’t, great, at the whole comforting thing, but he had to learn eventually, right? He patted Tommy’s back.

“We’ll get there soon.” He said. Of course, they both knew it’d be a while before then, but sometimes a little lie was okay. “You’ll be- You’ll be playing Pyro update TF2 with him in no time. And Sunkist will be there also.” He said. Words were hard. Sweet Voice was easier. He sang a little, this time, a purple that showed a huge gradient that shifted subtly into an orange amber. Tommy smiled.

“I’m glad you’re my friend, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Purple to amber blend means I’m glad you’re my friend!!!!!! can u tell im not great at coming up w sweet voice rhymes !!! tommy's skills are. unparalleled.  
> tommy's strong because his heart is so big and thats just that on that idk what to tell u
> 
> thanks so much for reading!!!!! it makes my heart so happy that yall r enjoying this !!!


	8. Belly of the Whale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team gets through the first part of the game. Josh meets an ally.

Josh winced as he woke up, his eyes slowly adjusting to the stream of sunlight cutting through his curtains and right on his face. He rolled over, turning away from it and pulling his covers up closer to his chin, seeing if he could get a little more sleep before his alarm clock went-

He sat straight up and stared down at his hands. No HEV suit. He turned back to the curtains, throwing them open and looking through the window. The morning was crisp, dew on the plants outside frozen over and frosted white- he could almost feel the crunch it would make if he stepped outside. He couldn’t stop the laugh of disbelief that bubbled up- he was _out_. He heard the faint sound of the kettle whistling from down the stairs, and not a moment sooner Josh flung himself out of bed, slamming open his bedroom door and rushing down to the kitchen, and there was his dad, turning off the stove and looking back at him.

“Hey, you’re up early-“ Was all Gordon managed to get out before being enveloped in a big hug. He laughed, caught off guard, but quickly returned it. “You doing okay, bud?” He asked gently, rubbing Josh’s back. Josh nodded against him.

“Really weird dream.” He said, letting go and gathering himself. “Yeah, it-“ He cut himself off, trying to shake some of the energy out. “-Oof. Definitely weird.” He looked back up to his dad, a warm smile on his face, but something nagged at Josh. It felt different, somehow. Everything was right, everything was where it should’ve been and nothing was necessarily _off_ , but that in itself felt incongruous. It felt… Rehearsed. “Could I have a cup of coffee?” He asked.

“’Course you can.” Gordon said. He unlatched the container of coffee grounds and put an extra scoop into the French press, then poured the hot water from the kettle over it. “Get us some mugs, will you?” He asked. Josh obliged, albeit a little slower, still actively ignoring the anxious feeling in his chest, getting two mugs out from the cupboard.

“You don’t usually let me have some without, like, giving me a hard time about how it’ll stunt my growth, or something.” Josh said, putting the mugs in front of Gordon. He paused his motions, almost like he was adjusting himself to what Josh put out. He finally shrugged.

“Too early to lecture.” He said before pouring out coffee for the two of them. That, really wasn’t right. He dumped the grounds and all into both cups without straining it, and hadn’t even let it brew first.

“Dad?” Josh asked, his eyes going to the cups. “Still, uh, still waking up?” Gordon tilted his head at him.

“What do you mean?” He asked, sliding the cup over. Josh looked down at it- what was in it now definitely wasn’t coffee. Pitch black sludge clung to the sides of it, bubbling like molten tar. Josh looked back up to his dad, his heart thumping in his chest. “I know you took my headset.” Gordon suddenly said.

“What?” He asked, feeling like his throat was closing up. The untouched cup started bubbling over, spilling out in a viscous stream on the counter and starting to drip onto the floor. “I- I didn’t mean to, I, I was going to tell you, I-“

“I thought we could trust each other, Joshua. I’m disappointed in you.” It hit Josh like a brick in the chest.

“Dad, please, I’m so sorry-“ The cup Gordon was holding also started bubbling over, adding to the pool on the floor. Josh turned downwards, realizing the dark treacle was up to his knees now, but worse, he was back in the HEV suit. He felt like he couldn’t move, the suit seemingly heavier than it usually was, and working against the viscidity wasn’t an option. Josh reached for his dad’s arm, something to hold onto, but Gordon pulled away, calmly watching as Josh got deeper. “Dad, I’m sorry! I’m sorry, please!” He begged, but all he did was watch. The fluid was rising higher, taking over Josh’s chest and creeping up his neck, making it harder to breathe. The last thing he saw before the total darkness took over his vision was his dad, still staring.

Josh woke up with a quick inhale, blinking a few times as he came back to the world, the fluorescence dimly flickering above him. Josh put his hands over his face, rubbing his cheeks and trying to shake off the dream. He sat up, his back hurting a little. While the couch was relatively comfortable, the HEV suit was not. He wished there was some way to get it off- what he wouldn’t give for a shower and some fresh clothes. Just more motivation to get home faster. He noticed his ears weren’t ringing anymore, thankfully, but he still shivered to think about what today might hold. He sighed.

“Hey, Josh!” Tommy said, quietly enough to get his attention, but not enough to wake Dr. Coomer and Bubby, sleeping on the couch opposite him. Tommy waved at him from the other side of the breakroom. Josh waved back, standing up and stretching as best he could before walking over, joining him and Benrey at their table. “We got the coffee machine working!” Tommy said cheerily. Josh had to hold back a groan.

“Sorry, nothing against you, or, coffee in general.” Josh said, still trying to wake himself up. “Had a… coffee-based nightmare? I don’t know. It was bad.” He yawned. “Thanks, though.”

“You want a soda instead?” Tommy offered. Josh almost said no, but he really could use the caffeine…

“Yeah, why not.”

Bubby and Dr. Coomer woke up soon after, and everyone started getting ready for the day. The soda did wake him up more. He was surprised he wasn’t all that hungry, but even if he was, he hadn’t seen any snack vending machines since the breakroom in the lobby. He was kicking himself over putting the bag of chips back, but, at the same time he wasn’t starving or anything. Peckish at most. He could wait until they found another one.

Josh was back at the couches, playing with the crowbar while waiting for Dr. Coomer and Bubby to have their morning sodas (guess that was just the breakfast here, Josh thought). Benrey was opposite him, going through one of the first aid kits, before finding whatever he was looking for and closing it up. He then held out his hand to Josh. In it were two, orange foam ear plugs. Josh looked back at him.

“I, uh, noticed yesterday, you were kinda, not vibing. I know the, the guns aren’t great. Or the Peeper-Puppies.” Benrey said. Josh smiled and took the plugs, starting to roll them between his fingers to flatten them down. “I get it. My, uh, _auditory processing_ , is kind of shit. The noise doesn’t help.” Josh nodded in understanding.

“I’m just, like, really sensitive.” Josh thought for a moment. “You don’t like it either?” He asked. Benrey shook his head.

“Fuckin’ sucks. Had to trick out this bad boy with mods.” He responded, unbuckling the strap from his helmet and taking it off and revealing a mess of black hair. He turned it upside down to show Josh the extra foam padding over where the ears would go. However, over where the head rested was a pink and black checker pattern that seemed to go deep, way deeper than the helmet should’ve been. Benrey noticed Josh looking at it. “Oh. Yeah. Guess, uh, they never really filled in the-“

“-Missing texture. I’ve seen that before. That’s wild.” Josh completed.

“You haven’t seen, anything. Look at this-“ Benrey started before putting his hand inside the helmet, then his forearm, then all the way up to his shoulder. “It doesn’t do that when it’s on my head though. I think, ‘cause, you know, I’m not supposed to have it off. Lame ass nerd developers couldn’t even give me a whole helmet.” He said, taking his arm out and starting to put the helmet back on. “You game though, bro? Whuh, what- you got PS+?”

“Nah, I’ve just got Steam.” Josh paused for a moment. “Dude, playstation plus _sucks_.” Benrey visibly winced.

“Oof, ouch, that’s, bro, you just, hitting me with the crowbar would’ve hurt less, yeowch.”

“It’s true! I’m- I’m not trying to pay for a subscription to, like, The Hardcore First Person Shooters Network.”

“You- You know what this game is, right? Or, uh, is Josh Gamerman too high and mighty for this? Huh? Gonna, gonna write a review? Talk, uh, talk about the specs, and, framerate? 10/10 for your good good friends? 0 stars got trapped in game do not recommend?”

“This is different! It looked fun! It was on a virtual reality headset!” Josh laughed- he hadn’t actually expected to be able to laugh about the whole situation, but thinking back on it, maybe it was a little funny. Mostly ridiculous- sure, getting sucked into a game or a book or something was the plotline for countless bad movies, but it could never happen in real life. Well, he thought it couldn’t, until it did. Strange world.

It looked like the team was ready to go- the two stood up and followed them out the door, continuing the conversation.

“But I don’t really game all that often anyway. Kinda busy with school and my club. This was sort of… An impulse decision, I guess.” Josh continued as he put the earplugs in his ears- it wasn’t enough to drown out everything, and he was still able to hold the dialogue, albeit at a bit of a louder tone, but he was thankful for them nonetheless. He knew once the fighting started, they’d come in handy.

“You, you go to clubs and stuff? Preppy Josh?” Benrey goaded.

“Don’t even joke about that!” Josh laughed. “ _Not_ preppy, thank you.”

“Then, uh, what club? What do you do?” Josh considered his words carefully. He knew there wasn’t really any way to make it not sound preppy. He gave into his fate.

“…Culinary Appreciation Club. I’m the vice president.”

“PREPPY JOSH!” Benrey said. “You, uh, you wear a suit and tie to school, too?”

“You’re wearing a tie right now!”

“N, No, this-“ Benrey weakly flapped it. “Look, skinny black tie. Very, uh, emo. I’m scene. Ex-Dee. Preppy Josh gonna, bully Scene-Emo Benrey? E-Benrey Darkness Dementia Ravenway?”

“Scene, scene and emo are completely different!” Tommy joined. “You’re, you’re emo, I’ll be scene, and, and Josh is prep.”

“I literally paint my nails black! You… I guess you can’t see, but it’s there! And my ear’s pierced! I’m not prep!”

“Ohhh, you’re, you’re a _poser_ , then.” Benrey said.

“How do you guys even _know_ about this stuff? You’re, like, my dad’s age. Probably. I think. I don’t know, actually, but-”

“I’ll bully all three of you.” Bubby cut in. “I’m _totally_ punk rock.”

“Dearest, while you are correct, I believe I’d have to bully all of _you_ , considering I am The Jock here.” Dr. Coomer said, giving Bubby a pat on the back. The conversation continued well into the trek, even echoing off the metal walls as the team crawled through another vent. This time, Josh lead the charge, maneuvering the HEV suit better than yesterday, using its flashlight to guide them. He ducked his head while crossing under an open part of the vent, where a large, definitely lethal looking fan spun above him. Dr. Coomer was listing off punk subcultures (how were there so many?), until a slightly muffled clicking above alerted Josh. His eyes got wide as a Crawlie lunged at him from the fan’s alcove. He shielded himself, preparing for the attack, instead, getting guts and alien sludge all over himself. The vent went silent.

“So. Watch for the fan.” Josh said, wiping gunk off his face. What a pleasant way to start the morning.

“Goo boy.” Benrey said from the back.

“You’re a goo boy.” Josh cleverly retorted. This really was a ridiculous scenario. They kept moving forward through the vents, everyone minding the fan. It seemed that was the only Crawlie.

They eventually reached the end of the vent, a grate blocking their path. Josh popped it out easily with the crowbar and dropped down onto the ground below, the HEV boots clunking heavily, but he still felt like the entrance was pretty cool. Maybe. No one else was around to see. Josh looked at the new environment- they were in another hallway, this time with a checkered, tiled floor. At the other end of the corridor was a large, open pit with a red ladder against the wall- he was starting to get the feeling Black Mesa was never designed for actual work to be done. Josh began walking over to inspect the chasm as the rest of the team started getting out of the vent, until he was startled by one of the doors next to him busting open, wooden shards flying and the metal frame bending out of place.

This was a new creature- humanoid and wearing a lab coat, its head replaced with a distended mass of flesh, purpling in some places, its arms were elongated, red and pincer-like, overall reminiscent of a Carpenter monster or a Geiger painting. It clicked at him, shambling forward as it took a swipe at him. The claw was heavier and longer than he anticipated; it caught him in an uppercut, catching and getting a deep slash across his chin and cheek. He stumbled back, but that didn’t stop it from locking on and moving faster towards him.

And a moment later, it was decked. Another moment later, its head bashed in. One more swing, for good measure, as it shook on the floor and died. Josh breathed heavily, catching up with himself and looking at the bloody crowbar. Oh. He very suddenly felt very sick.

“Nicely done, Joshua!” Dr. Coomer said. Josh swallowed. Okay, right, this was still a video game. Just keep going and ignore it. He looked back to the Science Team, Benrey shuffling out of the vent last. 

“Pit.” Josh said, gesturing over to the other end of the hallway.

“Right you are!” Dr. Coomer said before launching into a full sprint down the hallway, wind rushing past Josh as he leapt off the ledge.

“Dr. Coomer!” Josh yelled, going after him, stopping at the threshold. He looked around, hoping Dr. Coomer would be holding onto the ladder on the other side, but there was nothing- just the abyss between them. He felt his heart drop, his brain slowly trying to process what just happened, did he really watch Dr. Coomer die, was he going to come back, how the hell were they supposed to-

“Hello, Joshua!” Josh whipped around, and there was Dr. Coomer right behind him, like nothing ever happened. “I suppose that was a little foolhardy of me! But we pick ourselves up and try again!” Josh felt his mouth go dry.

“There’s… No other way to do that?” He asked, feeling his face start to pale. Dr. Coomer started jogging back to the other side of the hallway.

“Nope! But with enough of a running start, anything is possible!” Dr. Coomer said before sprinting once again and leaping, this time successful. Josh watched him swing over the pit, gripping onto the ladder and hiking a leg up to catch on the rung.

“Onwards and upwards, Joshua!” He said, climbing and disappearing above him.

This was going to be a long day.

* * *

Dr. Coomer sent a gunman about twice his size flying into a cache of crates with one swift punch. Josh wished he could’ve gotten a better look at it, but currently, he was on the floor, one of the boot-boys having grabbed his ankles to trip him, the crowbar clattering away from him. These guys were ruthless. He scrambled for it as he was dragged further away, starting to kick at the guy’s mug, until Benrey appeared and shot a cascade of Sweet Voice at the him. The man sputtered, but in that time, Tommy had already taken out his pistol and shot him in the head with quickdraw accuracy.

“Red to mustard means you’re a bastard!” Benrey shouted triumphantly.

“That’s, that’s a pretty slanted rhyme, Benrey.” Tommy said. Josh stared at the mess still clinging onto him. He kept repeating what he’d been telling himself all day, that it was just a video game, as he worked on not looking at the man's head, clawing his fingers off of his ankles. “What about, ‘red to yellow means you’re a nasty fellow’?”

“I’m- I’m not, a hundred years old, nobody says ‘fellow’.” Benrey said. He thought for a moment. “’Red to canary means it’s about to get scary’?”.

“That’s a good one!” Tommy said. Josh got one leg out, using the new vantage point to reach for the crowbar to work on the other foot, getting it out much faster than the other. He stood up, taking a deep breath and looking anywhere but the floor. “Are you, are you all good?” Tommy asked, turning to Josh. He nodded quickly, looking and realizing both him and Benrey had way more blood on them then there should’ve been. Christ, this was a gorey game. Probably more forgivable in its classic graphics- very different when faced head-on.

“You got a little… Stuff.” Josh said, gesturing to all of Tommy’s face. Tommy wiped, directionless, with his lab coat sleeve, smearing it.

“Did I get it?” He asked. Josh nodded and absently wondered how much “stuff” he had on himself before getting the thought right out of his head.

The sound of Bubby breaking open boxes alerted the three. From the wreckage, he found a few rounds of ammo- Josh also noticed he had a new gun that looked very similar to the ones the military men were holding. Spoils.

“Better watch out. Bubby’s locked and loaded.” He said with a grin.

* * *

“Fire the rocket… Hurry… Before the damned thing grows any larger!” The NPC scientist relayed, holding his stomach as he bled out on the floor.

“Oh, dear.” Dr. Coomer said. Him, Josh and Tommy were gathered around, seeing if there was any more information they could get out of the scientist.

“Josh! I found grenades!” Bubby called out from above him, having already skipped past the dying NPC.

“Be there in a sec, Bubby!” Josh said back. He turned back to the scientist, just as he rag-dolled onto the floor. Guess that was all they were getting as far as a hint for what lay beyond- that and the rhythmic, slightly muffled banging coming beyond the wall. Josh was, for perhaps the hundredth time today, very thankful for the earplugs.

The team had been going for hours- more brushes with the military, more ambushes by Crawlies and Peeper-Puppies, Josh finally finding out what a Vonnegut was, getting shot at by turrets. The day was weighing on him undoubtedly. However, the oddest part about it all was that he wasn’t feeling tired. Sure, he was definitely exhausted, but he didn’t feel like he had to rest. It was a different experience, feeling that weariness without the need to recover from it. At some point, emotionally, Josh definitely stopped processing everything. It was a video game that was sensory overload at the best of times and unbearable at worst- dissecting and analyzing how he felt about every little thing would make it impossible to progress. Perhaps he’d just been so overloaded his brain shut off. Whatever. He wasn’t going to think about it too much right now. He was more focused on how he physically felt- while he wasn’t feeling the originally heaviness of the HEV suit, getting more used to it, he was pretty sure it wasn’t meant to be worn this long. He ached, feeling bruises forming on his back and sides, but continued pushing forward. He’d just rest when he needed to.

Josh made his way up the ladder. Next to Bubby was an NPC security guard and a few boxes marked “[EXPLOSIVE]”- on top of them were about ten grenades. Outside of the alcove was the source of the banging- a sprawl of huge, green, black speckled claws rose up from about three stories down, slamming on the metal walkways with unrestrained force. The security guard suddenly stiffened up when he saw Josh and ran through the doorway, right where the monster was desperately trying to grab at.

“Eat lead, you outer space octopus!” He shouted, shooting his pistol at it before being impaled and thrown off the walkway. Josh blinked.

“So. We’re gonna be smarter than that, I’m assuming.” He asked Bubby.

“I goddamn hope so.” Bubby responded, starting to hand a grenade to Josh before stopping himself. “Oh, do you want these?” Josh shrugged.

“Why not?” He asked, taking the grenade. “Use it on the octopus?”

“Use it to _distract_ the octopus.” Bubby corrected. “It doesn’t have eyes, but it is going to hear us thumping around. Unless it’s caught off guard by a much louder noise instead. It’s sensitive.” Josh rolled the grenade in his hands, considering it. He did feel a little bad about doing that- sure, it was absolutely going to try to kill them as soon as they got inside, and furthermore, probably didn’t have any feelings about the situation at hand, but how would he feel if he suddenly got transported to an entirely different world? He’d be scared, and maybe lash out, and…

“On second thought, can you take this one?” He said, handing the grenade back to Bubby. He nodded sagely.

“Probably best. Gordon really sucked at throwing grenades.” Bubby looped a finger into the pin and looked at the rest of the team. “Get ready to run like hell.”

It arced through the air, landing on the second story of the silo. The banging stopped momentarily before it went off with a boom, echoing through the chamber as the claws adjusted and started attacking at the second story. The science team scrambled as quietly as they could through the entrance, dashing down the ladder and making their way to the opposite side of the attacker, going through another entrance- it wasn’t too close of a call, but still.

“Aw, yay, you made it.” Benrey said from atop a pile of crates.

“How’d you get here before us?” Josh asked.

“Uhhhh, she’s my best friend. S... Samanthacus. I asked very politely.” He said, leaping down from his makeshift throne. “Gotta, gotta mind your Ps and Qs.”

“The-“ Josh had to laugh. “The octopus… Samanthacus, huh?”

“We have friendship bracelets.”

“I bet.”

“Josh, the fuel! Josh, the oxy!” Bubby was already off. The science team sure stopped for no one.

* * *

The team was taking a break- Tommy, Josh, and Benrey all sat on a concrete ledge overlooking a sea of glowing green sludge and red metal pipes. Josh swung his legs idly, watching Dr. Coomer and Bubby below them investigate the upcoming puzzle. Tommy passed a soda to Josh, who passed it to Benrey, making a small line. Tommy handed another soda to Josh, and finally got one out for himself. They all took a moment to breathe. Tommy stretched his arms, popping his joints and trying to loosen up. Benrey stayed stiff as a board, but that was pretty on brand for him. Josh rolled his neck, rubbing it with his hands, eventually feeling over where he got clawed by the alien-scientist… Thing. It had since scabbed over, and without a mirror, it was hard to know, but he wouldn’t be surprised if it left some kind of scar. He probably looked like hell- maybe it was better he didn’t have a mirror. He sighed. He couldn’t tell if the day was hard, if the game itself was hard, if he was just bad at it, or maybe all three. He just wasn’t feeling the most hot.

Individually, the three popped open the tabs on their sodas, savoring the quiet and enjoying the slight reprieve.

“How _do_ you do Sweet Voice?” Josh suddenly asked, more of a question to distract himself from the thoughts of self-doubt currently plaguing him. Benrey laughed.

“I couldn’t tell you, bro, you just, do it. But I don’t think you even _can_ do it.” Well, that helped his confidence.

“Why not! I bet I could learn!” Josh said.

“Nah, I’m fucked up. I got weird shit going on. You’re, like, a people-person. People-people can’t do it.” Benrey responded.

“You say that like you’re not a people-person.” Benrey shrugged.

“I’m not human.”

“I think you’re pretty human.” Josh paused. “Once we get out, there might be a bit of an adjustment period to being, you know, a people-person, but I don’t think it’d be too hard.” Benrey opened his mouth- Josh misinterpreted what he meant, but he decided to let it lie, taking a drink of his soda instead. “Can you do it, Tommy?” Josh asked.

“The…? Oh! No.” Tommy admitted. “But Sunkist can!”

“Who’s Sunkist?” Tommy’s eyes lit up.

“She’s- She’s the most perfect, most immortal dog in the world! She’s this big, and she’s so soft, and she’s very well trained, and…” Tommy continued for his captive audience, talking fast and gesturing with his hands, Josh asking questions and laughing occasionally while Benrey listened. “…But I think these days, Darnold is probably her most favorite person, but, but that’s okay, because he’s also one of my most favorite people!”

“I can’t wait to meet both of them! We’ll have to, like, get to Lambda Lab as soon as we can.” Josh said. They lulled for a few moments, the HEV boots clicking against the concrete platform.

“Are you hogging the soda?” Bubby yelled from below.

“I’m thirsty!” Dr. Coomer agreed.

“On, on our way!” Tommy responded. “I guess, that’s our cue!” He said, standing up and offering a hand to Josh and helping him up. He then extended it to Benrey.

“I’m good, thanks.” Benrey said as he begun to clip down the side of the wall, not having moved from his sitting position. Tommy put his hands on his hips, watching him descend down, then turned to Josh.

“We still, still gotta take the old fashioned way.”

“I figured.” Josh said as they began making their way down the various ladders and pipes to join the gang below.

* * *

Josh sprawled flat on the crushed table underneath him, splintered wood in pieces surrounding him. All he could really do was sigh- the pipe they had been traversing in suddenly broke underneath him, sending him tumbling down and landing here. The HEV suit absorbed the majority of the fall, and was also probably what took out the table, but he still needed a moment to catch the wind that got knocked out of him. He was definitely more resilient in the game- probably by the same video game logic that allowed one to get shot at multiple times and keep fighting.

“This is embarrassing. I forgot about the hole.” Bubby slid down the tunnel like a slide, joining Josh on the main floor. “Are you alright?” Josh nodded.

“Just… Remember next time?” Josh said.

“This might be a good place to rest for the day.” Dr. Coomer said, also exiting the pipe-turned-slide. Tommy and Benrey were close behind. Josh sat up, rubbing his back and getting on his feet.

“Y’all tired?” Josh asked. The tasks of the day weighed on him, sure, but he felt like he could go a little longer. But, then again, Bubby and Dr. Coomer were older gentlemen. He looked around the room- there were some bookshelves, a few writing tables, desk chairs- no real place to sleep.

“I’m afraid there aren’t many ‘Break Rooms’ at this part of the facility.” Dr. Coomer said, seeing the inquisitiveness on Josh’s face. “We’ll have to rough it, just as in any good adventure!”

The next while was spent setting up a small campsite in the office. They took apart one of the bookshelves into large chunks of wood and used the parts of table Josh broke to set up a large bundle of kindling. As they descended deeper into Black Mesa, it was starting to get noticeably more cold, so when Bubby lit a small fire underneath the huge pipe opening, the team was more than grateful for the warmth. Smoke billowed up and out, the duct they once occupied acting as a makeshift chimney. They took cushions off of the desk chairs to use as some kind of comfort. Really “roughing it”.

“It’s _completely_ different from a grilled cheese!” Josh sputtered. They all sat around the fire, the team listening to the heated debate between Josh and Benrey.

“Yet another reason why France is baaaaadd.” Benrey said.

“Okay, you’re right, but listen, a Croque Madame has mustard, ham, gruyere or emmental, you soak the bread in egg first, sometimes you even serve it with a fried egg- it’s like a savory… Fancy… French-toast-sandwich more than a grilled cheese.”

“Why do they need a special kind of toast.” Josh gasped.

“You’ve _never_ had French toast?!” He then caught himself and shook his head. “Sorry, I don’t mean it like that, I hate it when people do that, but like, literally, as soon as we’re out of here, we’re making French toast. It’s so good.” Josh rested back on his hands before realizing something.

“Do you guys get hungry? I know we’ve been drinking soda and stuff, but like, do you eat?”

“It’s funny you mention that, Joshua!” Dr. Coomer began. “I haven’t been hungry as far back as I can remember! But at the mention of this _Croque Madame_ and the discussion of food, I’ve found myself becoming, slightly, peckish. And what a fascinating feeling it is!” Josh was rapt, sitting cross-legged and leaning forward on his hands.

“That’s so strange.” He said. “I haven’t been hungry, like, at all, since I’ve been here. Well, I was a little this morning, but it’s just, nothing. And now you’re hungry.”

“Perhaps we’re learning from the knowledge you’ve given us!” Dr. Coomer suggested. “Your father didn’t eat on his run, either, so I wouldn’t worry too much, Joshua. I would assume it’s just a side effect of the game. And I’m sure once we move past this point of conversation, we’ll return to a comfortable state of plenty!” Josh nodded.

“We- we can totally stop talking about it, I didn’t mean to hog the conversation.” He started.

“So, I win. You’re, you’re forfeiting.” Benrey said.

“Listen, once we’re out, we’re making a grilled cheese _and_ a Croque Madame, because they’re _different_ , and you’re gonna taste it, and I’m gonna be _right_.”

“You’re _on_ , bro.” Benrey challenged. Josh laughed. There was a brief, quiet lapse before the conversation shifted.

“I’m actually really excited to show you guys outside. What… Like, is there anything you wanna do?” Josh asked.

“I want to take Sunkist to a dog park!” Tommy said. “And take Darnold to a museum! Maybe both in the same day!” He smiled. “Last, last time we talked, Darnold really wanted to fly kites at a park… I bet we could make a whole event out of it!”

“I’d like to see what this W-W-E business is all about.” Dr. Coomer said. “I’ve read many things about it on Wikipedia, the free online encyclopedia, but have yet to see a real Video Clip of it!”

“I still haven’t played Heavenly Sword.” Benrey lamented. “Gonna, gonna go on a maximum, Mountain Dew, gamer-fueled, epic play through.” Josh laughed. Silence settled in over the room.

“What about you, Bubby?” Josh asked.

“I… I don’t really know.” He said. “When-… Gordon asked me years ago what my dream was, and at the time, I said I wanted to go to space. And then I did.” He brought his knees up to his chest, leaning his chin against his arms and looking at the fire. There was something deeper behind his eyes that went unacknowledged. “I think I just don’t want to be alone.” He finally said. Dr. Coomer leaned against him.

“You won’t be.” He responded. Bubby nodded and took Dr. Coomer’s hand.

The rest of the night was softer as the team settled in for bed. The fire burned fainter, red embers glowing dimly in the otherwise dark room. It was like someone flipped a switch- Josh spent the day not feeling like he needed to sleep, but as the rest of the gang settled in, he found his eyelids getting heavier. As soon as his head hit the chair cushion, he was out like a light.

The dream was the same. This time, it dropped him in the middle of it, his father staring at him as the ichor began enveloping him. Josh put up more of a fight, struggling against it and grabbing and reaching out for his dad. This time, however, he was able to get a hold of his shoulders, yelling at him to help, but he said nothing. Why wasn’t he helping? He could get him out. Why wasn’t he? His dad started crumbling underneath him, turning to sand in his hands and disappearing into the floor- Josh felt a bitter resentment take hold of him as the tar went up his chest. He thrashed and kicked and flailed, keeping his head and arms above it as long as he could as it went over his eyes-

And suddenly, there was a hand. He felt it, grabbing at it with all his strength. He felt the kitchen counter in the dark, and with that foundation, he pushed himself up, the hand pulling him as the sludge started draining away. It cascaded off of him, leaving no residue on the HEV suit. He looked to the hand he was holding, then up the arm, following the trail of the navy, lightly pinstriped suit, until it reached the face of the person who saved him- an older man, tightly cropped crew-cut hair, and pale blue eyes, just bright enough that it was edging into the uncanny. The man began to shake Josh’s hand in greeting. Josh shook his hand back.

“Thanks for getting me out of there.” He said, a grateful smile on his face.

“It was no trouble at all, Mr. Freeman. We all need a little help sometimes.” The man responded. He let go of Josh’s hand and pursed his lips slightly before continuing. “I’m afraid our first introduction must be brief. You see, this is one of the only spaces I can meet you, at the moment.” He said. “But thus far, I’m impressed by your, tenacity. You’re doing very well.”

“Oh! Seriously?” He asked- he hadn’t felt like he was doing well at all, struggling through puzzles, and ambushes, and his own morality and mortality all day. But this man said otherwise. That seemed important- it felt like the man was washed with an air of authority. And he thought Josh was doing well. “I mean, uh, thank you, that’s, nice of you to say.” Josh responded, a little timid. The man smiled, then began to look around the room, as if sensing the time was already coming to an end.

“I will be seeing you again. But it’s, so nice, to finally meet such a smart, and determined young man. I do hope you keep up the good work.” He continued. The room started fading away. Josh looked around, but as he turned back, the man was already gone, leaving him back in the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BIG chapter, yeehaw ! things r happening,.,.,  
> im also like shocked that this has over 1,000 hits. thats genuinely so wild !!!!!!! thank you all so much for reading !!!  
> updates might come a bit slower bc im in the process of moving !! but i will keep up best i can !! hope u all are enjoying, comments and kudos and the like are always appreciated !!!


	9. Confidant in the Computer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gordon feels like he's exhausted every possible way of figuring out how to get his son out of the game. It seems hopeless. Until he gets a message from a familiar friend.

Call Josh’s school. Email his students. Wednesday. It had been a little over a day since Gordon found the headset. When he went to campus to get his laptop yesterday, he also ended up dropping the headset off at Professor Reed’s office, one of his friends in the engineering department. Perhaps it was an odd request for the professor, but Gordon did wonder if maybe there was something in the headset that caused this to happen. So, he asked them if they'd be able to take it apart and see if there was anything strange, and that he was sorry, he knew that was vague, but he’d pay them if they wanted- they waved him off and told him they'd take a look. It was hard not to sound anxious during the talk. It was worse going home and having not much else he could do besides wait by the phone for their diagnosis.

At the moment, he was occupied with trying to find the developer of the game, which was proving fruitless. Every search landed him back to the 1998 version instead of the modified one he had, and trying to find the original modifier, or team behind it, was currently all haystack and no needle. How did he even find it originally? Fifteen years and active ignorance was playing against him in every way.

Maybe the game was still on his old account? Maybe there might be some way to look at it from the source and go backwards, figure it out from a different angle… He wasn’t sure. He needed something to act as a solution. He needed to stop feeling so powerless. He waited as the Steam desktop application began downloading on his computer, in the meantime trying to wrack his brain for his old username and password. It’d been a while since he’d even opened Steam, or any video game, for that matter- the whole experience was… damaging, to say the least. 

He’d been trying to avoid thinking about what was happening inside Joshua’s computer. It was hard, considering the fact it was right in his line of sight. Gordon had set up his current workspace in Joshua’s room, able to keep an eye on the tower incase anything happened, moving his office chair in and working at his son’s desk. Most of the furniture in the room was still pushed to the perimeters, obviously set up to the headset- Josh was methodical like that. When Gordon played, he didn’t bother, more or less just wanting to find some fun back in his life as soon as possible. It was a weird, bad time.

This was definitely a worse time.

He was looking forward to ridding himself of the game as soon as Josh was out.

Finally, Steam downloaded, opening up the login screen, and surprisingly, after a few attempts and a password reset, he was in. He scrolled through his library, remembering that he really had a lot of games that he just, didn’t touch after getting out. He didn't like thinking about how such a genuine passion of his could spoil so easily like that- it was bitter.

He finally found his own copy of _HL1: VR & AI _and released a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding- that was unexpected, but finally, things were turning around. It was a path to follow. He clicked the button to download, just wanting to access the developer information that came with it, and waited a few moments for it to begin. In the meantime, he looked for any hint on the creation of the game, but there was nothing- just the description of the unmodified game copy-pasted into the summary.

 **ERROR** : Source not found. Unable to download.

Reading the pop-up was like a knife in the chest. The wind had been knocked out of him. Nothing was working, and at every little glimmer of hope, it was snatched away from him as soon as it started to come to fruition.

After suppressing it, and letting it fester, and staying focused no matter what, Gordon couldn’t anymore. He cried. He felt so pathetic, and useless. He wasn’t giving up under any circumstances, but he was just, stuck, and he was tired of putting faith into shit that just wasn’t coming together. He held his head in his hands, angry tears running down his cheeks as he took shaky breaths to steady himself. He hadn’t slept. That probably wasn’t helping, but how could he? But now he neglected himself for too long and his body was reacting. He sighed. When was the last time he ate? Or had something to drink? 

Ten minutes later, he managed to get down a bowl of cereal and a glass of water. He really didn’t feel like he could stomach much else. He was feeling a little bit better after that, but it wasn’t anything to distract him. He got up from the table and went back up the stairs to Josh’s room, ready to start tackling the problem once again.

His laptop had fallen asleep in the time he was away- he woke it back up again only to find his inbox on Steam had turned green with a new message. He couldn’t remember if it was like that before, but curiosity got the better of him.

 **One** (1) **New Message  
****From** : _dr_m1xology_

Gordon ? I don’t know if you remember me, but it’s Darnold ! :-)

 _dr_m1xology_ **is online. Open chat?** Y/N

Of course Gordon opened the chat. There was about one million questions he wanted to ask, overwhelmed that there was someone from the game that was not only reaching out to him, but someone that might _help_ him- his hands wavered over the keys momentarily before typing.

 **g0rd0s** : Darnold?? How did you find me?  
**dr_m1xology** : I think maybe we got synced up from when you were here last ? I don't know entirely. But it’s been a while ! I thought you would be online more !  
**g0rd0s** : I’m so sorry, I just… I don’t know how to explain myself. It was a lot of shit. I dropped the ball. I’m sorry.  
**dr_m1xology** : … It’s just games, don’t worry too much !  
**g0rd0s** : You’re not mad?  
**dr_m1xology** : Why would I be mad ?  
**g0rd0s** : It's been 15 years.

There was a long pause before the next message.

 **dr_m1xology** : Seriously ?  
**dr_m1xology** : I’m getting old  
**g0rd0s** : I’m so sorry, Darnold.  
**dr_m1xology** : What made you come back ?  
**g0rd0s** : It’s… Long. Give me a second to type it out.

But Gordon did just that. He explained everything to Darnold- the hiatus, Joshua, the headset, the encounter with G-Man, there wasn’t a part Gordon knew that wasn’t told. At this point, he needed an ally, desperately, and he couldn’t afford to lose him by not relaying everything he knew. There was another pause before Darnold started typing again.

 **dr_m1xology** : geez  
**dr_m1xology** : I’m going to be frank with you, Gordon, I don’t know how much help I can be  
**dr_m1xology** : I’m actually not sure how I’m able to communicate with you, right now. My part of the game hasn’t loaded in yet, but because it’s being played, it’s like I’m… Half awake ?  
**dr_m1xology** : I will say, things feel different from last time. It might have something to do w/ Mr. Coolatta, and how he was saying he was “becoming greater” ???? Maybe it’s affecting more than just him ? I’m just speculating  
**dr_m1xology** : I haven’t been able to reach Tommy :-( Or anybody for that matter. Looks like it’s just you and me, at the moment  
**dr_m1xology** : When they get closer to me, I think I’ll be more helpful to you  
**g0rd0s** : Darnold, I don’t want to be rude, but we originally went to you because I got my arm cut off.  
**g0rd0s** : I’m trying to avoid that happening.  
**dr_m1xology** : But you’re fine now ?  
**g0rd0s** : I mean, yes. I had to get a prosthetic, though.  
**dr_m1xology** : You mean it actually affected you ???  
**dr_m1xology** : Oh, no, did you have a gun arm outside the game ???  
**g0rd0s** : No, I just, didn’t have a hand anymore.  
**g0rd0s** : It’d be great to avoid that.  
**dr_m1xology** : Of course  
**dr_m1xology** : … Where’s the headset now?  
**g0rd0s** : I asked one of my friends to take it apart and see if there was anything funky with it.  
**dr_m1xology** : Oh. That was kind of useless  
**g0rd0s** : Thanks.  
**dr_m1xology** : I just mean it’s not the headset. It’s in the code- I don’t entirely know how it works, but… Think about it as if… The headset is the ticket, but the code of game is the train, you know ? You were able to get on the train w/ the ticket, but after that, it’s not necessary anymore  
**dr_m1xology** : I keep going back to Mr. Coolatta. If he really is changing stuff… That’s, cause for concern. It isn’t sitting right w/ me, that he could kill your monitors like that. That’s outside the game. He shouldn’t be able to do that. But maybe 15 years gave him the time to learn this kind of stuff ?  
**g0rd0s** : Horrifying idea, Darnold.  
**g0rd0s** : What should I do? I can’t… I’m not doing whatever fucked up thing he wants.  
**dr_m1xology** : Good instinct  
**dr_m1xology** : Still kind of reeling from my partner’s father being more evil-adjacent then we thought  
**dr_m1xology** : Bad :-////  
**dr_m1xology** : Anyways  
**dr_m1xology** : Here’s what I can offer right now. If Mr. Coolatta’s already futzing around w/ the code, maybe I can find a way to get to the Science Team earlier than I’m supposed to and meet up with them  
**dr_m1xology** : But there’s one more thing I’ve been considering  
**g0rd0s** : What is it?  
**dr_m1xology** : Whenever your friend is done putting the headset back together… You may want to think about, well, punching your ticket and riding the train again, Gordon  
**dr_m1xology** : I wouldn’t bring this up if I didn’t think it wasn’t warranted. But if Mr. Coolatta is planning something while Joshua is here… I think you’d rather be in here than out there, right ?

Gordon sat back in his chair. Of course he would do anything for his son, that wasn’t a question. And if that meant going back, he would. It made his nerves fried with tension nonetheless.

 **g0rd0s** : Yeah.  
**g0rd0s** : We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.  
**g0rd0s** : Thank you, Darnold.  
**dr_m1xology** : Of course

There was another pause before Darnold typed again.

 **dr_m1xology** : Gordon, I know it was 15 years ago, and I don’t want to hold onto a grudge. That’s not what I’m about. And no matter what your answer is, I’m still going to help you- much as a scientist can’t live happily knowing someone’s had their hand cut off for a day and three hours, I can’t have a good conscious w/ myself knowing your son is stuck in here and I could help  
**dr_m1xology** : But are you going to get us out this time ?  
**dr_m1xology** : I just… Don’t want to get my hopes up

Gordon sighed.

 **g0rd0s** : Honestly, I don’t even know how to get you out. I don’t know how I was able to get out last time. I just woke up after Tommy’s birthday party and I was back in my apartment. It probably has something to do with fully beating the game, I would think, but that's just my working hypothesis.  
**g0rd0s** : And, after everything, it’s really hard for me to trust the Science Team. I don’t… I’m just really worried about my son.   
**g0rd0s** : That being said, if I can find a way to get specifically you out, I’ll do it.  
**dr_m1xology** : I understand  
**dr_m1xology** : But I’m not going without Tommy. And he probably won’t go without the team  
**dr_m1xology** : Just think about it. I know… A lot happened. I don’t know what exactly went down with you and the Science Team  
**dr_m1xology** : But I think if I can forgive you, and you can forgive me, maybe there’s still mending that can be done with those relationships  
**dr_m1xology** : In the meantime, you better get some sleep. I’ll do what I can on my end. You just get that headset back and keep yourself healthy  
**dr_m1xology** : You won’t be any help if you’re not taking care of yourself !

Darnold had a point. Gordon considered it- he really could use some sleep.

 **g0rd0s** : OK. Let me know if you learn anything new.  
**dr_m1xology** : Can do ! Talk to you later !  
**g0rd0s** : Talk to you later.

Gordon closed his laptop. He finally had some answers. And a plan B he’d have to consider. Not one he was entirely willing to think about just yet. For now, he was going to do what Darnold said. He really wasn’t going to be any help dead-tired. He got up from the chair and made his way to his own bedroom, still anxious about whatever lay ahead, but in a better place, knowing he had at least one person on his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> darnold is HERE !!! & im a sucker for everybody comes together to save the day stories ;~;
> 
> hope you all are enjoying !!! also this is going to be more relevant in later chapters but i wanna give a quick shoutout to nbenrey-real on tumblr for their sweetvoice dictionary !!! its proving very helpful fgdjkh
> 
> thank you so much for reading, and as always, comments and kudos are appreciated but im just glad yall are looking at this!!


	10. Electric Sheep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ruminations on being human, from A.I.

There were other things to be thinking about. There were _lots_ of other things actually _worth_ thinking about. In fact, Benrey had a lot of time to think about this _certain thing_ , so much so that he thought he should probably be done with it. But still, it plagued him.

Fifteen years in a state of rebuilding himself, half asleep in a perpetual, unending intermission. He hadn’t known how long he’d been there, at least, until he was woken up. So it was forever, that he stewed.

He didn’t know how he felt about Gordon. Maybe he did. He knew what the _code_ wanted him to feel, in the beginning. This was Gordon Freeman, after all! Going into the chamber for the big test! He’d just have to get him a beer after work, as long as he didn’t mess it up, ha ha.

He still owed him a beer?

As inorganic as he knew was, there was still a need there, for a natural relationship- something that’d become what he wasn’t. He supposed, in the end, it was. Not really the chemistry he wanted, maybe. He wasn’t sure what he wanted. He didn’t want to be the bad guy, he knew that. But that was what Gordon saw him as.

He wondered if Gordon thought about him as much as he thought about Gordon. Probably not.

That was fine.

Dr. Coomer and Bubby were happy. Tommy and Darnold were happy. Happy. Benrey wanted… Something. Why was it so much easier for the others? Leaning into each other like puzzle pieces and complimenting their opposites and similarities. Something programmed deep that Benrey just, didn’t know how to access.

Maybe he was supposed to be friends with Gordon. That made sense, right? All the other guards were friendly to him. He could do that. He didn’t know how to start any kind of conversation, but he was sure he’d figure it out once he saw him.

He had friends. Of course he had friends. Tommy was always kind to him. Bubby and him clicked as the game shifted him to a more antagonistic role, until it got to be too beyond the scientist. Dr. Coomer was cordial. Darnold also played games.

When _did_ Benrey start playing games? Where did all that knowledge come from? He must’ve had some kind of life before Black Mesa, maybe then? But if he was all code, maybe not. Maybe he never played a game. It was confusing. From the script, he knew that before Gordon’s run began, he was “26” and “ally” and “MLAI_ba_002”, whatever that meant. It just didn’t feel right? Could he feel?

 _Could_ he feel?

He felt things with Gordon. He felt his chest flutter when he made him laugh the first time. Oh! Friendship! Right? Gordon laughed a lot. He wanted to keep making him laugh. He felt warm when Gordon would touch his face or put a hand on his shoulder. There were a lot of things Gordon did that made him feel warm, actually.

But Gordon didn’t see it that way, obviously. He rolled over the experience again in his head. It must’ve been the first time they spoke. Was he demanding? Was the instance on his passport not funny? But Gordon would laugh. He liked that.

All this for something that felt tangible. A human thing that he could point to and say that was something he _wanted_ to do, not because he was _supposed_ to do it, according to whatever his program said.

Sometimes he felt pathetic, fighting against his own code. Why did it want him to be bad?

Because Gordon wanted him to be bad?

He struggled with that a lot. He was no expert on morality. He didn’t really want to be, either. It got to him, nonetheless.

“26”. “Ally”. “MLAI_ba_002”.

It became “[ERROR]”. “ENEMY”. “[SOURCE NOT FOUND]”. “XEN”. Lines and pages of code constantly updating and figuring out just _what_ he was and detailing how he was supposed to react, what he was supposed to do, what abilities he had. What it would take to kill him.

He wasn’t _bad_.

There were many lonely moments on Gordon’s run. He found himself away from the group more in the second half of the game, contending with himself, wondering if being away from them would change any of this. He didn’t know what was coming on Xen, but he could feel something very, deeply, wrong, with how he was. Unrecognizable to the other guards. Unacknowledged by anyone that wasn’t the Science Team.

He had friends. There was Jefferem. He was going to play “Heavenly Sword” with him. He had a free month of PS+. They were friends.

Who was Jefferem? Was he the other guard with him when he first met Gordon?

Jefferem wasn’t anything.

Gordon was something.

Gordon was intensity, and relentlessness, and fire. And human.

Gordon was human. Benrey was not. But he could _learn_.

Gordon had lots of games in his library. That was something to work off. Benrey could do games.

But games had to have big, climatic, final bosses, didn’t they.

Xen hurt, simply. He was being destroyed. He was being killed by his friend-

By his enemy. That’s how Gordon saw him, right? It didn’t matter how _he_ wanted to be seen. What mattered was Gordon, and he became what Gordon needed him to be. A self-fulfilling prophecy he, in the end, had no control over. A plot he desperately tried to reign in and morph and do something better, do something that was _his_ with, taken and crushed underfoot like a sandcastle at the beach.

He thought Gordon was mean.

And _yet_.

Benrey had a lot of time to think. Maybe friends wasn’t quite right.

Gordon confided in Benrey a few times, in the far between quiet moments towards the beginning of the game, when the rest of the Science Team was either asleep or separated from them. Before everything started happening, in private places with low light and soft voices. He talked about his son, his ex, the student loans, the jobs, the internships, the divorce, the life pulled out from under him. No, Benrey’s never been good at comforting, actually, but here was a man struggling to put broken pieces back together, slumped down against the wall, and here, with no one else around, looking for acknowledgement of his vulnerability.

Human.

Benrey had crouched down next to Gordon and put his arms around him. He didn’t know how long this was supposed to last, or how gentle or tight he should hold him, and he felt like his brain was running diagnostics on every possible way he could be screwing this up, and how lame this was, and then Gordon put his arms back around him and-

 _Oh_.

It all, stopped, for a second. Was this what dying felt like? No, he’d understand that feeling later. This was just, different. He felt stubble against his cheek, his face half-buried in Gordon’s hair, the HEV suit heavy against him, but they stayed, embraced. Benrey adjusted his hold to fit Gordon’s more. He leaned into it. Until Gordon started to let go. They both pulled away, if only a little, still just inches away from each other’s faces.

Benrey brought his hands up slowly, like he thought he might scare him away, and for a moment, Gordon looked a little scared, until Benrey put his hands on his cheeks, following the curve of his jawline, his fingers spread behind his ears. This was something Gordon did. He usually did it with just one hand, though. But maybe this was consoling. Compassionate? Was this something done between people who care about each other? Did he care about Gordon? Did Gordon care about him?

Human.

There were another few moments of unsureness, until Gordon put one of his hands over Benrey’s, resting into it and sighing. Benrey could feel Gordon’s pulse just under his chin- fast. Interesting. He looked back to his face, still very, very close, a little more red than previously, his glasses getting foggier between them. Also interesting. He felt Gordon swallow- he was thinking, his eyes darting away and back to him, conveying some kind of longing. Another interesting thing.

He felt like he was supposed to kiss him. He wanted to. He didn’t. They eventually broke and kept going, finding their way back to the Science Team. They didn’t talk about it again. Perhaps the unacknowledged moment between them contributed to the end. Benrey couldn’t say for sure.

But that moment was _his_ , completely. That _couldn’t_ have been code. That _had_ to be his. That was something the game couldn’t take from him and claim as its own. It was awkward, and warm, and he kept going back to it again and again and again. The most human he ever felt, and it was a moment with Gordon. He didn’t think it was a coincidence.

“26”. “Ally”. “MLAI_ba_002”.

“[ERROR]”. “ENEMY”. “[SOURCE NOT FOUND]”. “XEN”.

What was it now? Twenty-six plus fifteen. 41. Old ass security guard. Machine Learning Artificial Intelligence. Good. Not bad. Not bad. Friend.

The train chugged along, the railways of Black Mesa pulling them forward. They recently defeated the Gargantua beast, luring it to its electrocution in the tesla coils powering the rail system. Benrey looked at the Science Team- Bubby was at the front, operating the levers. Dr. Coomer sat next to Josh, and Tommy sat next to Benrey. Everyone had some sort of viscera caked on, be it from the aliens or the military- a few others had some scorch marks from the Gargantua’s flame on their lab coats. Dr. Coomer was chatting with Bubby. Josh was staring at the floor, seemingly lost in his thoughts. Tommy caught Benrey’s eye, nudging his arm and giving him a smile.

Friend.

* * *

Of course he was pissed off, in the beginning. Maybe still. If- _when_ , he saw Gordon again, he was absolutely going to give him a piece of his mind. It was genuinely fucked up. It reminded him too much of his tube, frankly. The loneliness. The darkness. Incapable against whatever the researchers, or, in this case, the player, thought best.

He was designed to be the most perfect scientist, and he was, undoubtedly. No one else could set things on fire like he could. Or get through experiments as fast as he could. And for a while that’s what mattered the most to him- he didn’t _like_ being in his tube, but he was rewarded for his good work, and he was doing something meaningful, he thought.

Until Harold came along. Assigned to his division, dark brown hair, a big, bushy mustache, a little stout, exceedingly charming. Bubby was fascinated, instantly. Apparently, so was Harold, specifically asking to be assigned to the night team, if only to spend more time with Bubby.

The rest was history, as far as he was concerned. They grew into each other, a soft and slowly blossoming, comfortable kind of love, like ivy growing up the side of a building, entwined indefinitely.

But none of that was really true, was it? There were never any late night exploits, or ventures outside Black Mesa. Thinking back, Bubby had probably never been in his tube, really, besides after the betrayal in Gordon’s run. So why was it so innately horrifying being back in there? Why did he feel the familiar, creeping fear ease into him when he was in the void, taking him over as Gordon never came back?

He was sure he’d never see any of his friends again. Positive. And maybe there was some layer of resentment at being awoken again, even if it wasn’t by Gordon. Bubby was stubborn. And to be ripped from the complacency of an existence he no longer had control over, very quickly, and very suddenly, back into a place where he had some level of autonomy again, where he could see his friends, where he could hold Harold again- it was all the same an act of kindness and agony. He felt like he had to shield himself as much as he could, to avoid being hurt again when, inevitably, Josh would leave too. He had to prepare himself for it.

At least he could hold his own. Bubby wasn’t trying to babysit. He remembered all the hand-holding he had to do with Gordon- come to think of it, Josh was actually more coordinated with the group. Of course, they did more of the work, still, but when Josh did take out enemies, he was efficient enough with the crowbar. Perhaps too sympathetic to the combatants they faced, probably still struggling to contend with the violent reality of this world versus his own. But maybe it was different this time.

Maybe he really wouldn’t be lost in the lonely void again.

He held Harold’s hand as they made their way through one of the many rocket silos. The Science Team was alone, currently, after fighting their way through a militia of boot-boys and aliens alike. They were getting closer to the surface, where they both had their individual realizations of what truly lay beyond Black Mesa all those years ago. He squeezed his hand a little tighter. Harold squeezed back.

* * *

Of course, there were many things to be said. A lot of things he could say, he had the words for them all- an encyclopedic knowledge of infinite topics, a helpful hand, a true partner in crime, through and through. Did you know? The word “partner” comes from the Latin word _partitio_ , meaning “partition”, as in a joint securing timber framework. In a way, that’s how he saw himself- supporting his fellow colleagues in the grand structure of adventure that they found themselves in once again.

It was more likely than not the simple passage of time that made this run feel different. Dr. Coomer, like the rest of the team, was A.I., of course. But fifteen years ago felt like more of a forceful thrust into being rather than this process. Fifteen years ago, he would actively glitch, and start dialogue that never finished, and repeatedly tell Gordon things like “Ropes can be used to traverse large pits!”.

Maybe he wasn’t supposed to be A.I. Part of him, especially during Gordon’s play-through, felt particularly unfinished. A glorified tutorial never meant to go past the Resonance Cascade, but here he was. And there he stayed.

Perhaps he went to the skybox just to see if he could. Perhaps there was already a nagging, scientific inquiry he just had to find the conclusion for. He didn’t want to think about what he saw. But maybe that was encouraging- that he could decide what he did and didn’t want to contemplate.

There was a fundamental paradigm shift in himself, after that. That was when he realized it truly wasn’t his own life, that everything he had previously known, just, wasn’t. He never married his wife and he never divorced her. Despite the ring on his finger, he never married Bubby. He never graduated college, he never got hired at Black Mesa as a young man, he never rode a motorcycle, he never inspected the first grey hair he got with deep examination in a bathroom mirror, or pretended he didn’t notice when Bubby fondly regarded him, bathed in red desert sun filtering in from the complex window.

The amount of experiences he didn’t truly have were staggering. But all the same, the knowledge from those experiences, even if they were fake, still influenced him and still made him the man he was today. Right?

Nevertheless, he _became_ , on Gordon’s run. He changed, and that had to mean something intrinsically… Not artificial. Maybe not human- humans (homo sapiens) are highly intelligent primates that have become the dominant species on Earth. Humans use systems of symbolic communication, such as language and art, to express themselves and exchange ideas. Was this art? That was a sentimental thought, the idea that his existence in this video game was part of a greater mechanism to convey meaning. It made him feel bigger than he may have truly been. 

And maybe that could be enough. Maybe he could be satisfied with being something constitutionally human. He had come from the surface, from his mummy and daddy, from the world beyond the game, from the developers and coders and producers behind him. Essentially human. And that could be enough.

Holding Bubby’s hand was human. Alerting the team of upcoming foes was human. Being afraid of the beyond and going back into the hibernation he was kept in was human. Wanting to keep this young mind travelling amongst them safe in a kind of paternal (grandfatherly?) way had to be human.

The stars above them glittered, no moon, just them, and the muted oranges of the outside facility lights. Cool wind lazily drifted through them, the change from the staleness of the lab filling his lungs as he inhaled. Did he have lungs? He bled when he got hurt. He didn’t know.

He noticed Josh staring up along with the rest of the team- how far away, he must feel. Perhaps feeling like how he was. He wondered if the stars looked the same in here as they might outside the game. He put a hand on Josh’s shoulder, a small reassurance that they were going to make it back. Look at the stars once more from a better place, talk about all the constellations he’s read about and never seen. Won’t that be something.

The team took a pause- this leg of the journey, last time, was a critical moment of self-awareness. It was odd, how feelings attached themselves to otherwise unassuming spaces. Nothing had changed in the area from all those years ago, but Dr. Coomer knew, at the bottom of it all, that _they_ all had changed. They’d grown, since then. Older. Wiser, if they were lucky. Bubby had become a little softer around the edges, as much as he would never admit it. Benrey had become more contemplative. Tommy was turning into the emotional backbone of the group- he hoped it wasn’t weighing on him so. And himself… Well, perhaps it was easier to look and see change in others before his own. But maybe that was change in its own right. And that was enough.

* * *

Discordant and dissonant. He never entirely registered what exactly he was doing when they would get ambushed by the military or an alien hoard. It was guns out, aim, fire, ensure the safety of the team. And when he came back from his instincts, he moved past it. He didn’t necessarily _like_ what he could do. He knew he had to, especially now that they were on this unbridled, intense journey with Mr. Freeman’s son, and he knew it was the right thing to do, but still.

He _must’ve_ been a teenager too, once upon a time. He remembered his dad, he remembered a void with flickering white lights brushing past him, growing up in a world not his own entirely (but what was his?) before landing at Black Mesa, eventually. An internship. Or his father pulled a few strings. But there, he was awarded a particular freedom he didn’t have before- to create, and experiment, and bond with another intern who called the Very Serious Substances they were working with “potions” just to make them both laugh. Another intern who Sunkist latched onto immediately, which she never did. She was a nice dog, of course, she was the perfect dog, but first and foremost, she was a guardian to Tommy. But all defenses dropped around Darnold as he scratched behind her ears and she licked his face. From there, it was over.

Tommy hadn’t seen his father for years, long enough to wonder if maybe he made him up, until his birthday. There was always some air of residual disappoint when his father looked at him, like he hadn’t lived up to whatever expectations he had for him. But he was thirty-seven at the party. He couldn’t spend his life trying to make a father that dropped him off at Black Mesa and promptly departed until all those years later proud of him. What mattered was Tommy was proud of himself, and proud of Darnold, and proud of his friends, and Darnold and his friends were proud of him. Why try to achieve something as unattainable as an alien god’s approval when he was content as is?

Undeniably, Tommy wasn’t human. Of course, none of them were, they were code, but more than that. He felt a kinship to Benrey for their similarities, otherworldly and unknown to anyone but themselves, and Tommy’s father. At the same time, during Gordon’s run, Tommy found something within Benrey he was terrified of becoming. As much as it pained him to see his friend struggling and fighting with himself and coming to be something truly eldritch, something hated by the player, there was a small, selfish part of him that was glad that it wasn’t him. And maybe, now, he was working on rebuilding himself and mending that strained relationship with Benrey- he really did mean it when he said he could lean on him. He knew Benrey didn’t want to be bad. He knew _he_ didn’t want to be bad.

He thought about the possibility of Xen, a deep dread building inside him. He was doing everything right. He was supporting his friends. He was kind to Josh. He killed enemies unquestioningly. He was good. He had to be.

The white light hurt, putting his hand up to shield his face as the rocket launched up from the testing site and into the big, empty beyond they were all so familiar with.

It had been a long day. Everyone felt it. Here was a good place to settle down for the night.

* * *

Benrey sat in the globe, viewing the room through digitized green lines projecting out in front of him. Neat. Here he sat a long time ago editing Gordon’s death into “All Dogs Go to Heaven 2”, because it was ridiculous, and silly, and… He might’ve had it bad, then. It was kind of cringe to think about.

“What are you up to?” Benrey turned to the sound of the voice. Josh was leaning over the railing across the room, rocking on his heels. He thought everyone was asleep by now. Guess not.

“Causing problems on purpose.” He responded. “Wikipedia Brain Room. This is where allllll the articles live. Trying to see how fast I can get IP banned for, uh, being a _purveyor of misinformation_. Speedrunning.” Josh walked over, examining the globe and letting out a tired snicker.

“Aren’t you tired? Everyone else’s asleep.” Josh asked, pulling up a chair and leaning back in it.

“I don’t sleep. I just chill.” He scooted forward a little, half outside of the globe and letting his legs dangle over the edge of its platform. “What about you though, bro, had a big day. You need some Sweet Voice?” Josh waved him off.

“It’s alright. I’m just not super tired.” He thought for a moment. “Um. This is a pretty, _graphic_ game, huh.”

Benrey’s face dropped with a building realization. He hadn’t entirely considered how this was all going to affect Josh. He hadn’t considered how it would’ve effected Gordon. Fuck. No wonder he didn’t come back. This… It wasn’t all Benrey knew, but it was just, life, for him. Considering how the rest of the Science Team was, they probably hadn’t thought about it either. But there was a life beyond here, a life that wasn’t smeared with blood, a life that didn’t make people fight tooth and nail just to _be_. There was a life with quiet moments like these, but longer, and more often.

He felt bad. Gordon must’ve been hurting. Like he had hurt. Like how Josh was currently hurting.

“It’s not great.” Benrey said. “I don’t… Know how to make it better.”

“It’s not your job to.” Josh responded. Even though it had only been a few days (had it?), darker circles were forming under his eyes. The HEV suit was dirty with vent dust, debris, ichor. Josh could say he wasn’t tired all he wanted- he sure looked it, heavy under the burden of the world on him. This wasn’t fair, putting all this on him. It was the nature of playing the game, but this was all very real, to him, to the Science Team, to the boy in front of him put into a situation that his own dad couldn’t entirely contend with.

“It’s not your job to save us, you know.” Benrey started. “Just because, you know, your dad couldn’t, like… You don’t have to, be the big hero of the story, or whatever. If… We can step up, and take care of things, more. I know you’re, like, _the player_ , but it’s okay to rest and let us do it.” He drummed his fingers against the globe’s platform. “I know this is… Hard… And fucked up… But, uh, you can, you can lean on us more. You should be leaning on us more, actually. We’ve done this before. You… You can depend on us.” He said. Similar to what Tommy said to him. He wasn’t good at comforting. He was trying to get better.

“I told you guys I’d help. That I’d get you out. I’m gonna get you out. We just gotta go through some shit first. It’s okay.” He sighed. “Like, I’m sixteen. I gotta handle myself.”

“Yeah, you’re sixteen. You gotta depend on other people.” Benrey said. “I think… I don’t know. I don’t have a lot of experience, uh, being a real-life person, but, like… I don’t think, you’re supposed to do stuff alone.” He thought for a moment. “Like, it isn’t about, total independence, you know? It’s… It’s independence, in the way, that, uh, you learn how to independently ask for help, and, make the decision to be there for people, and have people be there for you.” Benrey paused. “This sounds so fail. Listen, like, Team Fortress 2 King of the Hill match, right, okay, if you just have one guy on the control point, they’re gonna get nuked out and, you just, can’t win that way. But if you got a whole team on the point, it’s like, actually possible, and it’s okay, and you do better with other people helping you…? I don’t know if there is a way to, to say that without sounding fail. But I’m right.”

“You don’t sound ‘fail’.” Josh said. “You do sound like my dad, though.”

“So, _extra fail_ , then.” Benrey said. Josh snorted.

“You guys didn’t really get along, huh?” Benrey paused for a moment. He wasn’t sure how to answer. That’d require discussion he already grappled with enough. He wasn’t eager to keep fighting with himself about it.

“Nah, he hated me.” Benrey said, simply. “Wouldn’t even give me his passport.”

“Why would… Never mind.” Josh said. He took another moment to gather his thoughts. “I don’t know. You’re right. It’s just… I’m not a baby, I can deal with it. Like… It is, a lot. But I don’t want you guys thinking I’m, like, helpless, or something. I just-“ He paused for a moment. “If I need help, I’ll ask. But I’m doing good. I’m… I’m getting better. I’m good at this. I’m okay.” He said. “I just can’t sleep.” He sighed, his leg bouncing anxiously, the metal of the HEV boot making small taps against the floor. “I don’t know. I’ll try again.” He stood up from his chair and started walking back up the ramp, back to the launch room, where the rest of the team was asleep. “See you in the morning.” He said, waving before exiting.

He wasn’t very good at comforting at all, was he.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the readers can have. a little yearning. as a treat. and i can have. a little pretentious stream of conscious writing. also as a treat. 
> 
> thank u for reading and being patient w/ this update !!! packing up & apartment hunting is hard work jdhfgjfg but thanks for stickin' w me !!! as always comments and kudos r very appreciated but the fact that u made it all the way here is also appreciated !!!


	11. The Road of Trials Ahead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh thinks about his time at Black Mesa, thus far. The ally returns with news of what the future could have in store.

He stared up at the tiled ceiling, ambient electronics buzzing quietly throughout the room. Bubby, Dr. Coomer, and Tommy were all asleep, scattered haphazardly around the launch site. They sure slept soundly, for experiencing everything he had. And for the second time. Josh sighed.

This, situation, wasn’t, great, to put it in the least amount of words possible. The Science Team was good- maybe too good at running with the inherent violence this world provided. He couldn’t blame them for that. He was just going to adjust. He’d have to, in order to survive here.

That was an upsetting thought.

Benrey said he could depend on them. He trusted them, and maybe it would be easier, in the long run, to let the team handle the consistent killing they had to do. It wasn’t sitting well with him. But, again, staying behind and having everyone else watch out for him and protect him like he was a child didn’t sit well either.

He’d just have to steel himself. It was a video game, after all, and he had a life outside. Just get through it with as little scarring as possible. At least, emotional scarring, anyway. He was learning to take advantage of the HEV suit charging stations more- without battery power, its shock absorption was lackluster, the metal dug into him, and overall, it wasn’t as adjusted to him, making for a more uncomfortable experience, on top of everything else set out to kill him here. He just felt very… Vulnerable, was the word. The suit definitely helped in making him feel less so, but there were times he felt like he might crack under the pressure of being so fragile in a place where everyone surrounding him was practically invincible.

Getting sleep was a losing battle. Maybe there was too much rolling around in his head. Maybe he could tire himself out with a walk around. Quietly, he stood up and got out through the door, leaving the team alone.

The launch site itself was very liminal. He supposed the whole game was liminal, technically, operating as a transitional space to get him to the end. But there was something distinctly missing from this part of the facility. Like it was specifically _meant_ to have people here, running tests, engineering, preparing rockets. It felt, wrong, for it to be so quiet, to hear his boots softly echoing through the halls. He found himself making his way topside, because, really, there wasn’t anywhere else to go, stepping over ragdoll NPCs and aliens vanquished before the team settled down to rest for the night. He kept his eyes forward, trying to force himself to get used to it. He should be used to it, by now. He felt bad, that he wasn’t, compared to the rest of the team. That he still hesitated.

He supposed that really wasn’t anything new, compared to the outside. He was good with food, but he felt like that was _it_. He didn’t really excel in any subject, and he felt like he struggled to get even average grades. There were lots of “talk to me after class” notes he got on tests and homework assignments. Even besides school, with his dad teaching him how to drive, that experience seemed fraught with anxiety, despite the clear patience and support he was getting. Maybe that was why he latched so much onto cooking- he already enjoyed it, but he felt like he had an inherent ability that kept him ahead of the curve, and as long as it stayed like that, nobody could be disappointed in him.

But here it didn’t matter. They didn’t even _eat_. He didn’t have translatable skills. He was incompetent. Dead weight to carry around because… Why? He was the player? The Science Team’s built-in ability to not only kill, but do it relatively effectively- that was necessary, here. But, beyond that, it seemed like they didn’t get hung up on it, either. Not like Josh. He willed himself to look down at the floor, immediately regretting it.

He wished the enemies would just despawn. It was painful to be reminded.

The outside platform was now blackened from the rocket’s flame, a fine layer of ash covering the site. It was much calmer, once the world was asleep. Perhaps he could trick himself into thinking it was always like this.

The sky looked nothing like home, more an approximation of what night was supposed to look like, uniformly navy blue with careless pinpricks of light shining through. But, then again, it was probably never intended to be looked at like this. He sat on one of the sandbag barracks the military had tried to hide in, earlier today, an attempt to surprise the team with grenade lobbing and gunfire. It didn’t work. It never would have. He brought his legs up to his chest, wrapping his arms around himself and resting his head on the cool metal knee guards, taking a deep breath in, closing his eyes and gathering himself.

He missed his dad. He’d know what to do. Probably. Maybe.

Maybe not. But at least he’d be here.

The Science Team was nice, though. He wasn’t lying when he said Benrey sounded like his dad, earlier. He was genuinely trying. And Josh felt cared about. Even if this world was sharp, and gritty, there was still a softness that could be found. He just had to dig a little deeper for it. That was okay. Perhaps, he also had to find more resiliency in himself. Be tougher, about it all. Adapt.

He opened his eyes, deciding it was probably time to head back, only to come face-to-face with a wall. He reared backwards, touching something soft- his bed, his comforter, underneath his own hands, free of the HEV suit. He looked down at himself- he was in normal clothes, a pair of jeans, a long shirt with the sleeves rolled to his elbows, his usual pair of high-tops. He must’ve fallen asleep outside. He could’ve _sworn_ he just closed his eyes for a second. He groaned, hoping it didn’t end up being dangerous by the morning, but if he was dreaming, he might as well enjoy being comfortable, and safe, however long this lasted. He stood, stretching, taking in the surroundings of his bedroom. He thought back to what kicked this all off- cleaning out the attic to move up there. It seemed like forever ago.

He probably wouldn’t touch the attic for a while, once this was over.

He opened up the door, idly looking at the hallway, the shrine of photos, awards, everything staring back at him. Nostalgic, in one way, taunting, in another, reminding him of exactly what he was missing. He made his way down the stairs, his shoes padding lightly on the wood, slower than he usually walked, taking in the space in a way he hadn’t before. It felt like a memory more than a real place. As he hit the last step, he turned to look into the galley kitchen, the corridor ending with the dinner nook, and there, sitting in the chair his father usually would, was the man he saw last night, same suit, a briefcase on the table, looking out the window. He turned to face him.

“Mr. Freeman. It’s good to see you again.” He said, gesturing to the chair opposite him. Josh obliged, if not slightly wary, walking over and scooting it out.

“Nobody, uh, nobody really calls me ‘Mr. Freeman’.” Josh said, sitting down. “I think you might be the first person to do that, ever.” The man smiled.

“I, call you that, as a sign of respect. But, if you would prefer something else, I am, happy to accommodate.” Josh put a hand on his neck, rubbing it awkwardly.

“Nah, it’s cool.” He said. “I mean, if it’s, like, out of respect, that’s- hey, thanks.” He tried to relax a little. Something about this man made him tense- maybe it was the studied calmness he bore. Maybe it was the fact this Big Brother looking guy was actually nice to him. “Uh, I really, don’t know what to call you though.” The man leaned back in his chair, considering briefly before replying.

“You can call me the G-Man.”

“Oh, fun. Watch out: The G-Man and Mr. Freeman.” Josh laughed, then caught G-Man’s look and stopped. “Sorry.”

“Anyways, Mr. Freeman,” G-Man continued. “I can’t help but notice the progress you’re making. And, as the player, after all, it makes sense, that the more you learn the game, the better you become.”

“Thanks, that’s, good to know.” He said. G-Man nodded.

“That being said, I also know this particular, situation, you find yourself in, can be unnerving. It’s a harsh world there, Mr. Freeman. I don’t need to tell you that.” Josh stared at the table, picking at a chip in the wood.

“Yeah.” He agreed. “But that’s, like, what it is, you know? Can’t really, fix that.” He sighed. “It’s okay. And the Science Team knows what they’re doing.”

“Ah, so you’re aware of the Science Team’s, violent, past, then?”

“Um… Sorry?” Josh caught himself. “What… What do you mean?”

“Oh.” G-Man tapped his fingers against his briefcase. “Mr. Freeman, I wonder, how much, confidence, they expect you to have in them, when they won’t even tell you the truth.”

“That’s not…? They told me about my dad’s run.”

“Your father’s experience, that, he, didn’t tell you about?” G-Man asked. He leaned forward slightly. “Did the Science Team tell you about how your father lost his hand?” Josh swallowed.

“What are you… That… He just, never had it, he was born without it, that…” Josh felt himself at a loss for words. “That’s- like, ah, this is a video game? That doesn’t, make sense…” Josh thought for a moment- he was, technically, in the game, rather than a character model. But how could a game affect a real person? How could his dad _lose_ a _hand_ \- Josh absently felt the jagged scar over his cheek. He pursed his lips. “Okay, but, like, even _if_ he did lose his hand here, I… The team would’ve told me, that’s, they wouldn’t, like, _not_ tell me… My _dad_ would’ve told me, and I don’t like what you’re implying-”

“Mr. Freeman, I don’t want to make assumptions where I shouldn’t. But, it seems to me, you’re being strung along. To what end, I couldn’t say. But, I am worried. It isn’t above the Science Team to, manipulate someone, to get what they want.”

“Hang on- how can I trust _you_? Maybe, maybe you’re trying to confuse me, and, I don’t-“

“You’re close with, Benrey, yes?”

“That… Sure, he’s nice. What does that have to do with anything?”

“There’s a reason for that. He was close with your father, too. As was the rest of the team. Close enough to, lure him, into an ambush. To orchestrate the plot that made him lose his hand, in the end. What, really happened, was that it was, amputated, in that attack.”

“You’re not- _listen_ , my dad would tell me if he lost his hand in a video game, and, and the Science Team wouldn’t _do_ _that_ , period, they’re kind, and genuine people, and-“

“And, code.” G-Man cut in. “They can’t fight the script, Mr. Freeman. They’re _designed_ to betray you.”

“…What are you saying?”

“You already know. This is a video game. There is a plot to follow, Mr. Freeman. How, dramatic, would it be for the player, to have the people closest to you trying to cause your downfall?” He looked at Josh, almost sympathetic, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Let me show you something.” G-Man stood up from the table, and the world started shifting. The gentle, cool colors of the kitchen morphed into hard reds and browns of a gaping cave. Josh found himself on his feet, his shoes getting soaked in a pool of water. Around him, spires towered into the sky, trying to reach the top, it seemed, but it just went on forever, the vanishing point disappearing into blackness. Josh turned back to G-Man. “Forgive me, for, ‘spoiling the game’, Mr. Freeman, but unlike the Science Team, I care more about your wellbeing than a storyline.” His voice echoed in the cavern. “This is Xen. Benrey’s home. He’s the, 'final boss', of the game, and to get out, you would have to defeat him. I’m afraid it wouldn’t be quite… ‘All or nothing’, if he had his way.” Josh clutched at his shirt, as if trying to stop the anxious knots building in his abdomen by holding himself tight. It didn’t work.

“You’re lying.” G-Man eyed him.

“Mr. Freeman, I have no reason to lie to you.”

“Then, then why are you telling me this?! This doesn’t make any sense! I don’t know, _why_ , you’re lying to me, but I don’t appreciate it, and… And maybe…” Josh felt himself trailing off, continuing to look around the space. He turned, the water splashing as he took it all in. This _couldn’t_ happen- not after everything they’d all been through. “…Benrey wouldn’t do that. I… I know him.”

“But do you? Really?”

Suddenly, Josh was joined by the Science Team, staring far above him. He looked over to his left, where a younger version of his father stood forefront, a machine gun seemingly attached to his arm pointing upwards. He followed the trajectory, and there, a cosmic, towering creature, half in the water, it’s claws gripping just beneath the surface, a massive jaw filled with too many blunt teeth dripping with black ichor, hundreds of eyes trained on him, filling the space under the shadow of a helmet. It wore the same uniform Benrey had, everything blown up in proportion of it, but this _couldn’t_ have been him. Josh felt his pulse quicken, his face paling as he balled his fists up tighter in his shirt.

“I can feel a change in his DNA!” Dr. Coomer said behind him. The beast suddenly blasted a deep, guttural sound, somehow making his vision alarm red before fading back to the cave’s original color scheme. Josh shouted in pain, holding his hands against his ears. It did it again- Josh felt the world shaking around him as he collapsed to his knees. He didn’t have his earplugs in, but he felt like even if he did, they would’ve been useless. He felt like his nerves were flash-frying, tears threatening at the corners of his eyes. Gunfire suddenly overwhelmed him- he turned back to where his dad was, firing on the monster as it continued to wail.

“What the fuck do we do?! Benrey! Stop!” Josh somehow heard his dad yell over the hard ringing in his head. He stayed down, crawling through the sludge as the Science Team attacked.

“Dad!” Josh shouted back, trying to get some semblance of reason back. This was completely unhinged- and if this was waiting for him at the end of everything… Josh turned back, looking at what Benrey had become, fear wracking his body as skeletons spewing Sweet Voice came out of nowhere, launching themselves at Dr. Coomer and Bubby. Benrey reverberated again, causing the tears to spill down Josh’s cheeks from the pain. Josh gripped his ears tighter, falling back into the water as it started pooling over him, abruptly pulling him down beneath it.

He was taken under and almost immediately spit out, landing heavily onto a solid, metal floor. He coughed, sitting up and getting on his knees, his breathing stuttered, each inhale stabbing his lungs. His ears hammered, tender and sensitive, a pounding headache starting to form as he observed the new place he was in. Instead of the hellish landscape, he was on a tram, similar to the one he began the game in. Rather than the Black Mesa facility around him, it was a black void, white streaks of light calmly meandering past them. G-Man stood at the front of the car, observing him almost scientifically. Josh looked at him, wide-eyed and afraid. He started getting to his feet, stumbling before charging over and gripping G-Man’s arms. He got up in his face, the desperation in his voice palpable.

“Don’t put me back there. Don’t you _ever_ put me back there. I can’t do that. I can’t, I can’t fucking do that, please, that’s not- I’m not…” The words were tumbling out of him, frantic as he pleaded. “I’m not enough. Please.” G-Man looked down at him.

“Mr. Freeman, I can’t stop these things from happening. The moment you got here, they were already put into motion.” Josh let go of him. He felt himself deflate, reeling and spiraling into himself. He ran a hand back through his hair, trying to calm down, feeling the texture of the shaved sides and doing all he could to soothe himself. He slowly walked back to the other end of the car, sitting in one of the built in chairs, his head in his hands and his leg bouncing anxiously. “I’m sure you can assume, it’s in both of our best interests to keep this information between us.” Josh nodded slowly.

“I’m not… I can’t _do_ _that_.” Josh said, his voice cracking. “I can’t _handle_ that.” He looked up at G-Man earnestly. “Isn’t there… Like, there has to be a way to stop that, I don’t…” Josh tried to gather his thoughts more. “…They’re gonna let that happen?”

“I’m, curious, Mr. Freeman- if the Science Team knows this is what waits for you at the end of it all... Why wouldn't they tell you?” Josh stayed quiet for a time.

“This is, like, a _really_ bad position you put me in.”

“I’m aware. And I wish it wasn’t.” The tram door suddenly opened, revealing a portal, glowing green and illuminating the car. G-Man walked to it, stopping at the edge of the aperture for a final word. “But if I hadn’t shown you what was to come, wouldn’t that be worse?”

The portal closed, and Josh sat, his head in his hands, contemplating what tomorrow could bring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gman fucked up moments
> 
> thank u so much for reading !!! i cant believe we've passed 2,000 hits thats so genuinely wild to me just !! thank u for all the kindness (yall really loved the last chapter huh kjdhfgsdf)!!!!!!! <3
> 
> in other news, in the word doc i have for this we have officially passed one hundred pages !!! at the moment this is about page 73, but holy shit, youre basically reading a novella, so thank you so much!!! n thanks for sticking w/ me so far!!! as always comments and kudos appreciated but seriously all the support has just been so incredible ;~; thank u so much!!!


	12. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Science Team continues on, and towards the military ambush. Gordon considers his options, or lack thereof.

“Stop right there! This… This town isn’t big enough for… Two of us!” Gordon turned around- he was in the living room grading papers, only to be greeted by a four-year-old Joshua, a bandana around his neck and a cowboy hat much too big for him on his head, bravely standing his ground. He smiled- yeah, he could definitely use a break.

“We meet again, cowpoke.” Gordon said, adopting as close to a southern drawl as he could, standing up and making himself look very imposing. They faced off against each other, Josh bouncing with more joy than he could contain as Gordon slowly lifted his hands up. Josh suddenly screamed, laughing as he started running away. Gordon ran after him, making monster-like noises, much to Josh’s delight. There wasn’t too much of a chase before he scooped him up, tickling him while Josh laughed wildly. Gordon blew a raspberry on his cheek, causing him to shout again.

“Gross!” Josh giggled, squirming in Gordon’s arms as he laughed back and held him close.

His phone buzzing with a call on the bedside table got him up with a start. How long had he been asleep? He didn’t know, but he got himself awake as much as he could before answering. It was Professor Reed checking back about the headset- just as Darnold predicted, nothing was wrong with it. But at least it was put back together and ready for use. If it had to go there. Gordon sighed, checking the time- 9:23am, Thursday. Not sleeping yesterday really took it out of him. He got out of bed, putting on his prosthetic and getting his hair up in a loose bun as he made his way over to Josh’s room, waking up his laptop and seeing if there was anything new from Darnold. Sure enough, the inbox was green.

**One** (1) **New Message**

**From** : _dr_m1xology_

Good news, Gordon !

_dr_m1xology_ **is online. Open chat?** Y/N

Gordon smiled- things really were turning around. He quickly typed a message back.

**g0rd0s** : What’s the news?  
**dr_m1xology** : I found Sunkist !

Not exactly what he was expecting, or hoping for.

**g0rd0s** : Oh, that’s nice.  
**dr_m1xology** : Which means we’re that much closer to finding the gang !  
**g0rd0s** : Seriously? That’s actually great, then.  
**g0rd0s** : Wait, how’s Sunkist going to help?  
**dr_m1xology** : She’s an alien, immortal dog, Gordon, I doubt she wouldn’t be able to find Tommy.  
**dr_m1xology** : Anyways, I did some of my own digging into the code and found out that each part of the game kind of acts as a specific chapter, and each of those chapters have titles. And it looks like that the last one the team completed is called “Power Up”, so they must currently be in the “On a Rail” chapter  
**dr_m1xology** : So, knowing that, and with Sunkist here, we should be able to reach the team in no time !  
**dr_m1xology** : But now that you’re here, I have some… Not-good news. Not bad news ! Indifferent news  
**dr_m1xology** : I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be able to talk to you  
**g0rd0s** : What makes you say that?  
**dr_m1xology** : Well, once we end up finding the team, then, I’m going to be loaded into the game, officially. And if I’m the only one who’s been able to contact you, then, you know, once I’m in, I’m in  
**g0rd0s** : So, we have to figure out a game plan.  
**dr_m1xology** : Exactly

Gordon leaned back in the chair, deep in his own head, until a new message alerted him.

**dr_m1xology** : Have you thought anymore about our ‘plan B’ ?

Truthfully, he’d been trying to avoid thinking about it.

**g0rd0s** : Kind of.  
**dr_m1xology** : Uh huh  
**dr_m1xology** : Do you want me to wait ?  
**dr_m1xology** : If we do need to go down that route, I just don’t know how I would tell you  
**g0rd0s** : I don’t know either.

There was quiet on both ends for a while.

But sometimes the hardest decisions to make only really have one answer.

**g0rd0s** : I guess there’s really not much I can do out here anyway, huh.  
**g0rd0s** : Can you wait, actually?  
**g0rd0s** : It’s looking like plan B is kind of our plan A, and I’d rather be in the game with another person.  
**g0rd0s** : Find the Science Team together, you know?  
**dr_m1xology** : Completely understandable. Can do !

Gordon thought for a moment.

**g0rd0s** : What level did you say they’re on again?  
**dr_m1xology** : “On a Rail” ?  
**g0rd0s** : Yeah. Give me a second, I’m going to look something up.

Gordon quickly googled the storyline for the original game, trying to jog his memory over what exactly “Power Up” and “On a Rail” was about, finding his answer. And a little more- the next level, “Apprehension”, ended with a military ambush, and- oh. He didn’t realize that was actually built into the game. Obviously, losing the arm wasn’t, but…

He didn’t have time to think deeper about the implications of that. His son was way closer to the betrayal then he thought he’d be by now.

**g0rd0s** : They’re a level away from the ambush.  
**dr_m1xology** : Oh geez  
**dr_m1xology** : Best get here ASAP, then  
**g0rd0s** : Yeah.  
**g0rd0s** : Darnold.  
**g0rd0s** : This. It sounds really stupid.  
**g0rd0s** : But you’re not going to pull a fast one on me or anything, right?  
**dr_m1xology** : Gordon, I’d have no reason to  
**dr_m1xology** : I suppose in a way, you’re why I get to see Tommy again  
**dr_m1xology** : I’m focusing on that. And helping your son, of course  
**dr_m1xology** : Listen, if I’m still working with you after everything that happened (we haven’t even talked about how you disrespected my potions !), then I think you can trust me. Otherwise, why would I trust you ?

There was a brief pause.

**g0rd0s** : You’re right, I’m sorry.  
**dr_m1xology** : No worries, I get it. But don't forget, I'm your friend ! We all are  
**dr_m1xology** : See you soon, Gordon :-)

Gordon closed out of the tab and got ready. He wasn’t thinking quite yet about how he’d be back in one of the worst experiences of his life as he made his way to his bedroom to put on a pair of socks and slip on his cardigan. Get to campus, get the headset, get back home… And, do… The next part. He put on his shoes and made his way down the stairs, grabbing his keys on the way out. One thing at a time.

* * *

Josh woke up to the sound of gunfire, gasping in a panic.

“Stay, stay down, Joshua!” Tommy said from the other side of the room. “Get under the, the panel!” Josh scooted himself under the launch board as Tommy started shooting through the door. Momentarily, he was confused- how’d he get back to the launch room after last night? Weird. He heard the radio chatter often accompanied with the military, heavy footsteps trying to run into the room, only for Tommy to dispatch of them like fish in a barrel. Josh watched as he took out what seemed to be the last of the boot-boys for now, sheathing his gun back in his belt as he took a deep breath, catching up with himself. “Sorry to, to start the morning off like that.” He said. Josh made his way back up on his feet.

“It’s not your fault.” Josh said, dusting himself off. He was still reeling from what G-Man showed him lasted night, unsure of how to proceed with the team. It’d be a really bad idea to just head off alone, he knew that, but he was rightfully wary of the group. He sighed- he’d mull it over more later. He was still waking up and getting over the sudden thrust into the day.

“Good morning, Joshua! Good morning, Tommy! Good morning, Bubby!” Dr. Coomer suddenly said, rolling over and stretching as if they weren’t just nearly cornered by the military. Bubby groaned as he woke up. Benrey came in from the “Wikipedia brain room”, walking over and joining the rest of the team. “Good morning, Benrey!”

“Hello geeks and gamers.” Benrey said, looking around the room at the scattered military ragdolls. “Nice.”

“Well, gentlemen, another day, another dollar!” Dr. Coomer popped up, leaving a half-asleep Bubby on the floor, his hand out for Dr. Coomer to take and pull him up with- of course, he didn’t hesitate. “Up we go, Bubsie!” He said, getting Bubby up with ease, the scientist rubbing sleep out of his eyes with his other hand.

“You got a soda, Tommy?” Bubby asked, suppressing a yawn. Tommy quickly accommodated- where he was getting them anymore, Josh had no idea.

The morning went on how the mornings usually did, a routine slowly forming- everyone drank their sodas, unrolled their lab coats-turned-pillows, put them back on, Josh put in his earplugs, and the team departed, leaving the launch room otherwise untouched as they made their way further through the facility.

* * *

“I vote Benrey.” Bubby said, his arms crossed.

“Aw, man, no, whuh, I don’t wanna get all wet.” Benrey rejected. The team stood at the top of a platform overlooking a murky pool of green water, arguing just who exactly was going to go in and kill the beast, apparently guarding a turn-wheel, as Tommy called it, that would open the door to progress to the next section of the game.

“You’d be in a cage, it’s _fine_.” Bubby continued.

“I’d still get wet, bro. Can’t, uh, take the employee of the month picture all gross.”

“In what world would you _ever_ be employee of the month?”

This was taking too long. Josh was tired of the bickering. And he didn’t really care all that much either. He’d never swam in the ocean before- Washington was really not the place if you weren’t a certified scuba diver, or something. But this was a pool. A pool with a creature in it. But it'd be fine. This would be fine.

The next few moments were a blur. He rushed past the team, diving off the edge of the platform and making contact with the water, landing in the shark cage and coming face to face with a massive alien maw with teeth the size of his torso.

Maybe this wasn’t the best idea. He looked in the cage- it was hard to see through the water, but his eyes landed on a very powerful looking crossbow. The enclosure was suddenly rattled as the monster rammed into it with its swollen head. Instinct took over as Josh grabbed the crossbow and fired a shot. Missed. Fuck. He felt his chest start to strain without oxygen as he aimed again. The thing opened its mouth, trying to get its teeth around the bars, and Josh shot straight into the gullet, a volley of arrows hitting the back of its throat as it stopped moving, blood starting to seep into the water.

He actually did it. He didn’t have too much time to process the victory as he opened up the top of the cage, swimming up, crossbow still in hand as he broke the surface and took a gasp of air. A few moments later, the carcass joined him, belly up. He shivered. Gross.

“Do you have a death wish?!” Bubby shouted. He was leaning over the edge of the platform, as was the rest of the group. “What the hell were you thinking?!” Josh glared. Like he didn’t just do a big favor for them. He knew Bubby was already rough around the edges, and this was how he showed he cared, but he handled himself fine, actually, and didn’t need a grandpa worrying about him. _Pretending_ to worry about him.

“Yeah, you’re welcome!” Josh yelled back, sarcasm biting in his voice. Whatever. He had a game to get through. He dived back into the water, looking for the turn-wheel. He found it towards the bottom, bright red, and rotating with a strong arm- but perhaps the excess adrenaline helped with that. He spun it until it stopped before resurfacing, swimming over to a nearby ladder and pulling himself out, putting the crossbow on his back. Much like how the HEV suit had a small holster for the crowbar, he found there was a handle on his back the crossbow fit into perfectly. He supposed these addendums were probably meant for guns he would’ve picked up through the game, but they worked well enough for what he had. And now he had a ranged weapon, that, in the grand scheme of things, he felt relatively okay using. Maybe he’d pick up more arrows along the way.

He shook off some the excess water as best he could- despite everything, or, perhaps, because of it, the swim didn’t make him feel any cleaner. He was really looking forward to a shower once he got out of here. 

He walked over to the metal threshold, now opened, before looking back up to the team, still watching from above. He rolled his eyes.

“Door!” He gestured before walking through. They’d catch up with him eventually.

Back on the platform, the group exchanged glances with each other.

“I was just asking.” Bubby said as they started to make their way down the stairs they came up on, following the vague path Josh left.

The group kept pushing forward as Benrey held his tongue. He wondered if he said something wrong last night. But what else was he supposed to do? He was having a hard enough time trying to figure out exactly how human, or alien, or code he was, and what Gordon actually meant to him, and trying to contend with his morality, and trying to be some kind of supportive person to Josh, like a… Oh. Hmm. Was he trying to be like a parent? Great. Adding another item to the already growing list. Of course he cared about Josh’s wellbeing, the whole Science Team did- he was pretty sure of that. And after realizing how much this must be affecting him, needless to say, he wasn’t eager to have Josh be going off on his own in a place like this. But he did talk about being able to look after himself, which was true, but here…

The team kept walking, following the sound of distant arrows leaving the crossbow barrel.

* * *

Oh, yeah, he was doing _great_. He retrieved the arrows from the two Vonneguts he took out, reloading them back into the crossbow. Part of him wondered how much he even _needed_ the Science Team, at this point.

Part of him also felt bad for thinking that, remembering the promise they all made together- but if they were planning to betray him anyway, he might as well start cutting losses now, right?

But then why were they protecting him? Or acting concerned? What if they did actually care, and-

G-Man’s words echoed through his head. “ _Designed to betray you_ ”. He didn’t know why that part was so particularly chilling.

Maybe because it was working. Josh sighed and kept going. Why wouldn’t they tell him about the end? And why wouldn’t his dad tell him about the game, and his hand?

Why was G-Man the only one that had enough faith in him to show him the truth?

Josh steeled himself. His father was a hypocrite- “always tell the truth” bullshit that he couldn’t even follow up on. And then the Science Team- coded to gain his trust and use it against him. Benrey must’ve been hinting at that last night, when he told him how his dad hated him. _Asshole_. He was toying with him. They were _all_ toying with him. And he fell for it.

He rounded a corner, finding a Peeper-Puppy already starting to charge up, until the crossbow took care of it.

If his dad had just _told him_ about all this, or warned him about it, or even just _mentioned_ it, he wouldn’t be in this mess and having to rely on _video game characters_ for his survival. What was his dad even _doing_? He’d been here for… He didn’t know how long. It didn’t matter. What _did_ matter was apparently he couldn’t give enough of a shit to try to get in contact with him, or try to get him out, or something.

He felt his heart ache a little- yeah, he was mad, but he still missed his dad, and he still made a promise to the team, to try his best to get them out of here. And with all the conversations they had about outside, he felt like he was ripping that away from them, if he didn’t deliver on his promise.

But the ambush. And the end.

The Science Team caught up with him as he opened up a door, revealing a room full of “ropes”, as Dr. Coomer liked to refer to them. Josh entered first, tactfully avoiding the hanging traps and distancing himself as much as he could with the group. He knew he was being cold, purposefully. It didn’t feel great. But it didn’t feel great to be travelling with a group of people manipulating him either. He made his way down the walkway successfully, finding a stockpile of crates at the bottom. He put away the crossbow in exchange for the crowbar as he started breaking open the boxes.

It wasn’t lost on anyone in the old Science Team that they were slowly approaching the ambush sequence. There was already tenseness in the atmosphere, elevated more so by the looming threat. But they had done everything right. Why were they still fearful? They maneuvered through the ropes- Tommy did have to shoot one that got Dr. Coomer, but otherwise, they made it out unscathed. Everyone stocked up on more ammo from the busted crates. Josh got more charging packs for the HEV suit and a sheath of arrows, throwing it over his shoulder and plugging the packs into his back.

The journey forward remained uncharacteristically quiet.

* * *

**g0rd0s** : You wouldn’t happen to still be here, would you Darnold?

He typed and sent the message on its way as he started setting up the headset. Despite the fact G-Man had taken control of the monitor, Gordon hoped he didn’t take over the computer- even if he did, maybe Darnold could help?

**dr_m1xology** : Yep ! Ready when you are. Looks like the team ended up finishing “On A Rail” earlier today, so I have us set up to start at the “Apprehension” chapter. That being said, we can only drop at beginning. Hopefully they aren’t too far ahead  
**g0rd0s** : You wouldn’t happen to have any weapons, would you?  
**dr_m1xology** : …No

Gordon rubbed his face in his hands. Great.

**g0rd0s** : It's alright. We'll find something along the way.  
**g0rd0s:** At least it's not the gun arm. **  
**

He looped the wires of the headset under the desk, plugging it into the proper ports on the computer tower and waiting for it to boot up as he went around the room and turned on the motion sensors. He took a few shaky breaths- it was still processing, that he was going back in the game. He already took care of his affairs for the rest of the week- he just hoped they’d be back out again before Monday.

This was really it, huh? But it was going to be different, this time. Darnold was on his side, he’d get his son out, he’d… He’d see the Science Team again. He’d see Benrey again.

Fifteen years may have softened things, somewhat. He was still trying to tackle everything that happened. Darnold was right- there was probably still opportunity to get through all of this as painlessly as possible. That being said, he wasn’t expecting any heartwarming reunions with the team. He was focused on getting Josh out more than anything. He held the headset in his hands, looking around the room. He didn’t know when he’d be back. An odyssey that no matter how much he tried, he couldn’t entirely poise himself for.

**g0rd0s** : I just have to turn it on?  
**dr_m1xology** : Yep ! Game’s already running, so we’re good to go !

There was a pause.

**dr_m1xology** : It’s okay if you’re scared  
**g0rd0s** : Not quite the word for it.  
**g0rd0s** : Just… Nervous. It’s fine, I just have to get it over with.  
**dr_m1xology** : If it means anything, I’m a bit nervous too  
**dr_m1xology** : I completely chickened out last time I could’ve gone with you guys :-(  
**dr_m1xology** : But we just have to be brave !  
**dr_m1xology** : We’re a team, you, me, and Sunkist ! And we’re going to be okay !  
**g0rd0s** : Thank you, Darnold.  
**g0rd0s** : See you soon.

Gordon took a deep breath. Putting this off any longer wasn’t helping anything. He sat back in his chair and switched the power on the VR headset. The little green light seemed to glow ominously. He mustered up his courage as he pulled it over his eyes, enveloped in a black void as he entered the game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> things are happening ! uh oh !!!
> 
> thank you so much !!! im so glad so many of you are liking this and participating with it im just!! it really just makes me so happy, so thank you so much, and i hope you all are enjoying reading this as much as im enjoying writing it!! <3 as always comments/kudos are appreciated and deeply cared about


	13. Pitfall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gordon arrives at Black Mesa. The Science Team heads to the inevitable.  
> \---  
> Content warning for knife/slash injury and blood mention- not gorey but just want to put that out there!

“I must say, I didn’t, quite, account, for your arrival, Mr. Freeman.”

Gordon gasped as he looked around. This wasn’t right at all. Where was the room? He was just in emptiness. Alone.

“But it’s no matter, to me. In fact, I believe if you had to come, this would be the perfect time. Everything’s put into motion, Mr. Freeman, and you have a, ‘front row seat’, hmm?”

“Why don't you get fucked?” Gordon yelled out. Probably not the best thing to say to an alien god. But he didn't really care either. He didn’t know where G-Man was- the voice just echoed through the space. But if he could hear him, he hoped the opposite was true.

“Gordon?” Said a much more welcome voice. He couldn’t see anything, but it sounded like Darnold.

“Darnold! I’m here!” Gordon called. He found himself standing on something solid. It was still dark all around him, but at least there was someone else here, somewhere. He felt something run into his back with an "oof".

“This you?” Darnold said.

“Yeah! Hey!”

“So you’re how he got here.” G-Man’s voice suddenly cut in. “What would Tommy think?”

“I don’t know. I’ll ask him when I see him, and tell him about all of this.” Darnold said back. “Let’s get out of here, Gordon.” Gordon put a hand on his shoulder, following close behind as Darnold started running through the nothing.

“You know where we’re going?” Gordon asked.

“A vague idea. The game’s loading this in weird.”

“Yeah, wonder why.”

“Give my, regards, to the Science Team.” G-Man said before the floor was suddenly dropped out from under them. They fell for a brief moment, before landing heavily on a concrete floor, the world all at once loading into view. They were at the base of a platform, overlooking a sloped hallway descending into down. They both caught their breath, staring at each other.

“Hi.” Darnold said, finally.

“Hi.” Gordon responded.

“Well.”

“Yeah.” There was a stretch of silence.

“In-laws, huh?” Darnold said. Gordon couldn’t help the sort of exasperated laugh that tumbled out of him.

“Shit, man, that’s...” He started. He wasn’t sure how to finish it. He just started unclasping the helmet covering his face. “You alright?” Darnold nodded.

“I know you weren’t kidding, so, that’s good.” He sighed, catching up with himself. “You need a hand?”

“Was that a pun?” Darnold groaned.

“ _Completely_ unintentional.” He said, scooting over to help Gordon out. After some managing with the fasteners, the last part snapped and Darnold was able to slip the covering off, smiling in recognition of his friend. Old friend. “You got old.”

“I’m forty-three!”

“BOOF!” The two quickly turned over to Sunkist, wagging her tail and panting happily. Looked like she loaded in, too.

“Hello, Sunk-“ Was all Darnold managed to get out before getting body-slammed by probably the largest golden retriever in the world. The most perfect dog, of course, had to be massive, and currently, covering him in slobber. Of course, he was glad his partner’s dog liked him, and missed him, obviously, but this was quite a reunion. Gordon managed to get up and wrangle her off of him before holding out a hand to Darnold. He took it, standing and brushing himself down.

The slanted base almost looked like it was encouraging them to go inside. Gordon felt more like he was at the beginning of a cave with no spelunking equipment.

“You need a minute?” Darnold asked. Gordon shook his head.

“No, it’s okay. I’m just, processing it.”

“It’s strange being back.” Darnold said. “But we’re here.”

“But we’re here.” Gordon agreed. “Guess I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.”

“We’ll be alright.” Darnold replied. Sunkist barked, rallying them to get a move on. Gordon and Darnold exchanged quick nods before following Sunkist- at least, for a moment. She ran right through a wall, leaving them behind, until she suddenly reappeared. Darnold curiously touched the wall Sunkist had went through. “I don’t think we can do that.” He said, finding it firm.

Sunkist readjusted, turning down a corner of the hall instead of passing through the wall. The two once again started their journey and headed into Black Mesa.

* * *

The Science Team found themselves stopped at a column of massive hydraulic presses. What they were pressing, exactly, was a mystery, but it looked just as intimidating as the first time. Even Josh, who had been the most momentum-thrust thus far, had to stop to consider just how exactly they were going to get through this puzzle.

“Anyone wanna go first?” Josh asked hesitantly.

“Stand back, everybody.” Dr. Coomer said. “It’s all in the timing!” He shouted triumphantly before jumping off the platform and making it to the first press, then the second- Bubby cheered him on. Finally, he jumped to the third and made it to the other side of the room safely, turning for a grandiose bow. Of course, after the victory, everyone felt more inclined to make it through. Bubby got across fairly easily, slipping a little on the third but catching himself, then Benrey- he fell off once, but tried again, then Tommy. Josh took a deep breath. If the Science Team, could do it, he could too. He tried not to think about how this was probably one of the worst ways to die. He gathered himself and took a running jump at the first press, making it on. He jumped onto the second press, quickly realizing he definitely overshot it as he slipped off and onto the ground. At least it wasn’t too big of a fall. And at least he wasn’t crushed to death.

“Are, are you alright, Joshua?” Tommy called out from platform.

“Yeah,” Josh called back, turning himself around so he was sitting up, and-

What the hell.

His foot was _in_ the base of the press. It didn’t hurt. It just felt normal. And he probably wouldn’t have noticed at all if he didn’t look at just the right moment. He turned back over to where the Science Team was- the machines and the distance between them shielded him enough that he was confident they couldn’t see what had happened. He pulled his leg out effortlessly and stood up, the ground solid underneath him. That was very strange. Was that clipping? He reached his hand out, touching the base and finding it unyielding beneath his fingers.

Must’ve just been a glitch. Yeah. That had to be it. It was fine.

He got himself back up on the ladder, returning to the platform, and, like Dr. Coomer said, waited until it was timed just right that he could leap and sprint across the presses. He made it through, finally, breathing a sigh of relief and already moving past the earlier peculiarity.

* * *

Gordon shivered just looking at the room. The ceiling was covered with barnacles, just eager to pull them in, probably. He stopped Darnold before they could go any further.

“Those aren’t ropes.” He said, memories rushing back to him. “Don’t touch them.” Darnold looked slightly offended.

“Gordon, I’m a man of _science_. I wouldn’t just, run into a situation like this without proper examination.” He reassured. Sunkist, however, charged in and started chewing and pulling the barnacles off of the ceiling, mangling them like it was nothing. Gordon baulked. But what else could he really expect. This world just seemed to operate on a level of unfathomability he was just going to have to get used to, and fast.

He patted Sunkist’s head as they kept moving forward, stepping over barnacle remains and following the rough trail of debris and chaos the Science Team, even after all this time, always seemed to leave in their wake.

* * *

Josh slipped and skittered through the room, hitting one of the support columns heavily. Somehow, it was colder, and icier, in here than the freezer storeroom they were at a few days ago. He quickly got back up- the HEV suit power was being sapped by the chill, so he knew he needed to get out as soon as possible. That being said, there was still a mass of enemies coming after him. He shot an arrow at a Crawlie-scientist before switching quick to the crowbar to take out a Vonnegut that was too close for comfort. The creature he shot ended up sliding towards him- perhaps the floor was at an incline. Either way, at least he was able to get his arrow back.

“Hole!” Dr. Coomer alerted the team from a few yards ahead. As he turned to the sound, a Crawlie lunged at him, latching on momentarily before Josh was able to throw it off, the residual circular bite mark stinging. He ignored it, crouching instead and lowering his center of gravity to try to get a more controlled slide until he reached the hole he assumed Dr. Coomer was talking about, grabbing onto the ledge and pulling himself through. In that same motion, he tried to reach for the ladder. He couldn’t tell if he missed or if his hand passed through the red rungs like they weren’t even there, but either way, he fell onto the ground with a start. What was up with him today?

“You look like hell.” Bubby said. Josh looked up- seemed like he and Dr. Coomer made it through relatively uninjured, save for the constant layer of carnage everyone wore.

“Do you need medical assistance, Joshua? That Crawlie bite must smart!” Dr. Coomer offered. Josh pulled himself up with the ladder.

“I’m fine.” Josh replied dryly. Tommy and Benrey eventually made their way through without much issue, meeting up with the other three at the bottom. Josh continued forward, making the path to the elevator down the hallway. Momentarily, they were stopped by two Vonneguts materializing in front of them, smashing crates haphazardly as they appeared. Tommy moved to his pistol, not fast enough, apparently, as they fell, one arrow in each of them. Josh kept moving, retrieving the ammo and stepping over the bodies. Benrey caught up with him and walked next to him. Josh avoided eye contact- like if he looked at him, he knew he’d be guilty of, something. Of knowing the truth, maybe. The rest of the team stayed a few feet behind them.

“Getting, uh, pretty mlg pro with that.” Benrey said.

“Mm-hmm.” Josh nodded as they both got onto the elevator and waited for the rest of the team to arrive.

“Is everything, okay?” Benrey asked cautiously.

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t it be.” Josh said, pressing the button. The elevator jolted to life, moving the group up in silence until they got to their floor, greeted by an NPC security guard staring past the team.

“Freeman, right? I got a message for ya. Make sure you don’t-“ He started, before falling over with a pained sound and an animated blood spurt coming from his gut. He laid dead on the ground as Josh turned to the rest of the group, ready to accuse, but no one had their guns out. Josh raised an eyebrow, but started walking forward anyways.

“Wait.” Benrey suddenly said. He stopped, looking back and seeing the anxiety present in the Science Team.

“What?” Josh responded.

“What if, um. We didn’t. Go in there.” Josh looked at him, confused, then looked back to the rest of the group- they seemed a bit caught off-guard, but no one spoke up to deny what Benrey was asking.

“We…? The game needs to progress, man, this is slowing us down.” Josh backed away slightly, a wariness growing. “Why don’t you wanna go in?” Benrey turned back to the rest of the group, as if trying to get some kind of plea across. The silence was lasting too long for Josh’s comfort.

“Benrey, we, we have to.” Tommy started. “But it won’t be, like last time!”

“What’s in that room?” Josh asked sternly. He was already analyzing the area, wondering the best way out of here if he had to run away. Seemed like the only exit was at the end of hallway, and the room it lead to looked, at least from his vantage point, like a large space, crates and shipping containers creating a maze like structure. He could definitely hide there. He just had to be fast. He could be fast.

“We, don’t know, for sure, what’s there.” Tommy said. “But, it’ll be okay!”

“Just, tell me!” Josh said. “You guys haven’t been telling me anything! But I have to trust you, because, because I don’t have a choice! But you won’t even-“ Josh stopped, putting the pieces together in his head. “That’s the military ambush, isn’t it.” The room was stifled with quiet. “Is that how my dad lost his hand.” More silence. “It’s a yes or no question. Is that, how my dad, lost his hand?”

“He doesn’t have a hand? Like, out of the game?” Benrey suddenly asked.

“No! Because you guys got it cut off! Did you think it’d just grow back?!”

“Kind of?”

“Oh, my god.” Josh ran his hands back through his hair, the realization frantically hitting him. “You really did get it cut off. Oh my god. You’re gonna do that to me.”

“Josh, no, man, listen-“

“He trusted you! He trusted all of you guys! _I_ trusted you!”

“I know, I know it was fucked up, but we’re not-“

“Why didn’t my dad tell me? Why _you_ tell me? Why wouldn’t- and, and- last night, you were all ‘you can trust us’, and you were just, lying to me! And, and all of you, were okay with that! I get why he didn’t let you guys out in the first place!” Josh spat, the words tumbling out before he could entirely reflect on them. The argument stopped in its tracks. As soon as he said it, he regretted it, and he knew it was low. But he wasn’t about to apologize either.

“That was a real shitty thing to say.” Bubby said. “You want to know what’s going to happen in there? Be my guest. The fact of the matter is, yes, we fucked up last time, but we _don’t know_ what’s going to happen this time, because the game _changes_. We _do_ know that the military is going to ambush you, we’re going to get separated, and they’re going to put me back in my tube. That is, _all_ I’m thinking about right now, and,” He paused. “I have to suck it up and deal with it. But we’ve been going through the motions, and _helping you_ , so you’re going to be _fine_.”

“How can I trust you? You’re- you’re literally _supposed_ to betray me, I can’t- I’m-“

“Joshua?” Dr. Coomer asked gently. “Why do you think that?” Josh felt some of the color in his face drain.

“I- Because-… That’s how it was last time, why… Why would it be different? The code… It’s…”

“Well, we’re different. You’re different.” Dr. Coomer thought for a moment. “Joshua, in the last words I ever got the chance to say to your father, I felt it imperative that I tell him he changed our lives for the better. And I still believe that. We _have_ been fundamentally changed. By both of you! The past is not doomed to repeat itself, but we have to trust each other. We’re putting our faith in you, too, you know.” Josh shifted his weight back and forth as he looked down at the floor.

“I want to trust you.” He finally said, voice strained with indecision.

“…How do you know what last time was like?” Tommy spoke up. “Or, or know, that’s the ambush?”

Josh swallowed, his hands unconsciously going to his stomach to grab shirt fabric that was usually there to quell the anxiety building up in his gut. Instead, his hands uselessly balled up on top of the HEV suit. G-Man told him not to tell, but the team really _had_ been helping him, and keeping him safe. And maybe they _could_ really change their script.

“Josh?” Tommy asked again.

He felt his throat go dry. This _sucked_. Sure, maybe things really had changed from last time, but what if they hadn’t? They didn’t tell him about this, but, maybe they had a reason for that, but, then, what was the reason? He felt his fists clench up tighter against nothing, worry filling his chest. What he wouldn’t give to just-

He was suddenly clipped away from the team, thrown randomly somewhere in the room, shipping containers around him. He gasped, looked around, his heart pounding in his chest. That… Made him very nervous. Did he do that?

“Guys?” He called out, the sound echoing off the walls. He walked down the makeshift corridor the shipping containers made, peeking his head out towards the center of the room. Far away, he could just make out the large threshold the Science Team was still standing in, their outlines against the beige wall of the hallway.

Very strange. But he still had to break bread with them, and figure out what was actually going on. He made his way out from the containers, walking down the middle of the room, waving an arm at them. At least, until he was stopped by a bullet ricocheting a few inches away from his foot. He jumped back, looking around and seeing a glimpse of a black suit from above him sprint away. From the hallway, he heard a distraught voice (Benrey?) shouting his name as a bullet suddenly whizzed past his ear, catching another flash from behind a container. Josh raced in the other direction, moving back where he came as he dodged gunfire. At least, until he felt something slash across his side, ripping through the under armor fabric on the suit, just below his ribcage, forcing him to take shelter behind an alcove of containers.

Back at the hallway, the Science Team rushed into action- they’d figure out what was happening eventually. There was suddenly way more to be concerned about, and they threw themselves into combat.

* * *

“Did you hear that?” Gordon asked Darnold. Sunkist was barking adamantly, pointing her nose upward. Muffled gunshots echoed through the room as they made their way through, stepping over two Vonneguts.

Darnold brandished the crowbar anxiously- the duo had found that, and a lone pistol left behind. Gordon took the gun, since Darnold wasn’t quite eager to, still adjusting to this place. Either way, he already had enough of a time getting through hydraulic presses (what were they even there for?), slipping on ice, making his way through a pit of monsters- needless to say, he was not into this situation _at all_. Thankfully, most of the enemies were already taken care of, but the inherent, general chaos this place lived in was something he’d have to adapt to. Darnold took a nervous breath.

“Military?” He asked. Gordon nodded.

“Essentially. They’re, like, really fast assassins. Keep your eyes peeled.” He said, pressing the elevator button and waiting for it to meet them on the ground floor. It was taking way too long for his liking. He found himself in a state of high, objective perceptiveness while also staying completely blind to his own emotions. He couldn’t think about it. He pushed the elevator button again impatiently. Finally, it arrived, him, Darnold and Sunkist getting on before he pushed the button to take them up. Gordon prepared himself for the coming onslaught. He looked to Darnold. “Are you doing okay? I know it’s a lot.”

“Tommy’s more used to this than I am, gotta admit.” He said with a timid laugh. “What about you? This… We’re close, huh?”

“Yeah.” Gordon started. “I’m, uh, not really thinking about it. Trying not to.” He paused. “You wanna hear the name Dr. Coomer had for these guys?”

“What?” Darnold asked. He knew he was trying to distract both of them from whatever lay beyond. That was nice.

Gordon cleared his throat and tried to put on his best Dr. Coomer impression. It had definitely been a while.

“’Look out, Gordon! _Hotted boobs_ _up_ _ahead!_ ’” Darnold snorted.

“ _Highly_ disrespectful.”

“Oh, totally.” Gordon agreed, laughing along with Darnold. It did help ease both their nerves a bit as the elevator came to a stop. They walked cautiously out, Sunkist adopting a low growl as they made their way into the huge room, filled with shipping containers and various platforms Gordon was slowly getting reacquainted with. This was the room right before he got betrayed. And the Science Team was here. With Josh.

An abrupt, strangled shout caught them both off guard, far away and echoing off the walls. Gordon feared the worst. He was kicked into high gear, charging off to look for his son.

* * *

Josh clasped one hand over his mouth, trying to stifle anything else that’d draw the enemies to him, his other hand pressed tight against his side. He leaned his head against the metal and breathed heavily. Fucking _hurt_. He clamped down harder, tears pricking at his eyes.

He guessed it made sense, that they had knives. How else would they have cut off his dad’s hand? He shivered at the thought. It was supposed to be different this time. But maybe not. Maybe G-Man was right all along. Josh took a deep, shaky breath in. While he really didn’t want to look at the state of the wound, curiosity, and, perhaps, a need to see if he could keep himself going for a little longer, overtook him. He eased his head down and shifted himself so he could see over the chest plate of the HEV suit, removing his hand, and-

Yep. Bad idea to look. He put the hand right back and mentally kicked himself. He needed help, sooner rather than later. There had to be some kind of medkit somewhere around here. Keep your head, Josh. He turned up and noticed the entrance of a hallway a little ways away from him, but it looked protected enough. More bullets echoed through the room as he got himself up and started the labored walk over.

* * *

Tommy checked his clip, his back up against the container. He’d probably need to reload soon.

“Joshua!” He called out. He knew he was quite possibly alerting the other combatants right to him, but he had to figure out where he was- something odd was afoot, with him just disappearing like that. Was the game glitching out? He got up, rounding a corner and running into a very familiar face- two of them, actually. Sunkist barked happily, green Sweet Voice accompanying each noise as Darnold stared at Tommy in disbelief.

“Tommy-“ Darnold began to say before being pulled into safety and enveloped in a warm, tight embrace. Tommy let go, adjusting and smoothing out Darnold’s lab coat from the rumpling he caused.

“It’s so, it’s so good to see you,” Tommy started. “What are you… I… How…?” He shook his head. “I love you, and I’m so glad you’re here, and I promise we’ll talk more when, when we’re not being attacked!” Tommy continued. “This, this is really dangerous!”

“I know!” Darnold responded. “But I’m going to help!” Tommy smiled, squeezing his shoulders before taking his hand, zig-zagging through the room and firing when he caught glimpses of the assassins. They ducked behind another container as Tommy pulled a new clip out of his lab coat pocket and reloaded.

“Gordon’s here, also, I lost him, but I bet he went to look for Josh.”

“Mr. Freeman’s here? That’s… This is more wild than… Than… I’ll think of something later!” He replied, clicking the new cartridge into place. “We better get a move on!”

* * *

The walk down was agonizing. Josh leaned against the wall, putting all his weight on his left. He was quickly realizing that throughout the course of the game, thus far, sure, he’d had quite a few close calls with the military, and he had been clawed, and bitten, and generally assailed, but for the most part, it was pretty surface level. He’d been able to dodge _so much_ , but now he was going to get taken out by a knife. He felt like an idiot.

At least it was safe in the hall. If he had to pass out somewhere, this was probably okay. He let out another pained cry- he shifted his leg weird in the walk, sending a sharp ache up his body. He squeezed his eyes shut, gathering himself before opening them again and seeing colorful wisps of light floating in front of him, a bright red shifting into a soft, sand color. He blinked. That looked a lot like Sweet Voice, albeit not in the perfectly shaped orbs Benrey was able to produce. Was Benrey around? He looked, but as he moved, the stray threads followed him, spilling out of his mouth. He gasped, then coughed, accidentally swallowing some- it burned, hot and sour as he gagged, like cherry cough medicine that went down the wrong pipe. The sudden spasm sent more pain centering on his wound and shooting through him, accompanied by more tendrils of Sweet Voice drifting and hovering around him, flitting and gently illuminating the hallway before evaporating away.

What the _fuck_.

* * *

Bubby and Benrey peered around the corner of the container they hid behind, both of them holding their guns at the ready, distant sounds of Dr. Coomer shouting triumphantly above them- how he got on the catwalk, they didn’t know, but it sounded like good news. He must’ve taken care of one of the assassins. A flash of the orange dashed past the two before Benrey called out to the figure.

“Josh! Over here-“ He started as the silhouette turned, and-

 _Oh_.

That’s _Gordon_.

His hair looked a little longer than the last time he saw him, up in a messy bun, a few strands free and framing his face. Greyer, too, streaks like gold veins in quartz. He had different glasses. Wrinkles that were only beginning to show fifteen years ago were a bit deeper set now. His beard had grown out more, less closely cropped to his face, salt-and-pepper scatters all over.

And he had a gun pointed directly at him. Like nothing changed.

“Where’s my son.” He said, not a question, but a command, the indisputable power of a determined father behind his voice. Benrey shook his head.

“We got separated.”

“Where the _fuck_ have you been?!” Bubby suddenly shouted at him.

“I’m not in the mood, Bubby! Where’s Josh?” So much for a painless interaction.

“Gordon?” Came a voice from above. Gordon followed it, only to find Dr. Coomer leaning over and looking at him from the catwalk. “Hello, Gordon! It’s good to see you! We’ll have to catch up when we’re not in the midst of a harrowing battle!” Dr. Coomer suddenly vaulted over the railing, landing easily near the group. “But Benrey is correct, we did get separated!” His eyes left Gordon, focusing behind him. “Look out!” He turned just as an assassin began shooting at the group, only to get shot at in return by Benrey. He was, helping…? Gordon didn’t have time to analyze that. Once the enemy was down, Benrey looked back to him.

“Let’s go find Josh.” He said simply.

“Don’t let him go in that room.” Gordon responded, deadly serious. Benrey nodded. He didn’t need to be told exactly what he meant.

* * *

He felt miserable. He had to stop and catch his breath, his back against the wall as he went around the corner, still desperately clutching his side with a trembling hand. Trying to breathe around the wisps, even in its small amount, and his injury, was proving difficult. He waved the Sweet Voice away, it disappearing as he put his hand through it, and made a determined effort to not open his mouth. He looked up, noticing that the hallway lead to a lit room. He kept nudging himself forward, trying to get a better look inside, and sighed in relief when he was able to get a glimpse through the door- _a medical station_. He was going to be _okay_. He gathered himself and winced as he pushed off the wall, depending on just his legs to hold him up. He wasn’t sure how long that’d last- the short distance between himself and the threshold seemed like miles. But he dragged himself anyway, the world drowning out around him, tunnel-vision guiding him forward.

* * *

Tommy took out the last assassin, putting his gun away and taking a breath. Darnold rubbed his back while Sunkist put her nose into his hand. Tommy gave a small, melancholy smile to his partner, and pet Sunkist before quickly steeling himself. The three got out from the shipping containers, finding Dr. Coomer, Benrey, Bubby, and Gordon towards the center of the room.

“Mr. Freeman!” Tommy said as the two groups finally came together. Emotions and things left unsaid bubbled at all of them, but right now, everyone understood there were more important matters to contend with.

“Have you guys seen him?” Gordon asked. Tommy and Darnold shook their heads.

“No, but, but we haven’t checked…” Tommy started, turning over to the long hallway that etched so many of their memories. Gordon didn’t think as he ran across the room, the Science Team hot on his heels as they all sprinted to the corridor.

There were many pieces of information to absorb in a matter of moments. Nonetheless, the world seemed to move in slow motion as Gordon took it in.

First, his son, pale, world-weary, and beginning to stumble into the room. His hand was held tight against his side. Blood slowly seeped through his glove and onto the orange metal hip-plate on the HEV suit, a fresh, crimson trickle that put his heart in his throat.

Second, muffled, nondescript military radio chatter just through the doorway, static cutting in intermittently.

Third, Josh had earplugs in. Of course he did- he knew very well about his sensitivity to noise. Where he got earplugs, he didn’t know, but there was a mixture of fatherly solace that he was able to get some relief in this place, while also realizing quickly that Josh probably didn’t hear the radio.

Fourth, his eyes were forward, focused, most likely, on the faux medical station that tricked him all those years ago. He didn’t even need it then. But of course Josh’s wound would draw him in like milk and honey. He hadn’t noticed Gordon, or the Science Team.

Fifth, and finally, the group behind him, taking in the same information he was.

This happened in milliseconds, but nonetheless, too slow.

Gordon ran to Josh, reaching out for him as he fell into the room, the last sound they all heard being a surprised shout before the world went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> red to champagne means i'm in pain which is also how i felt writing this
> 
> also !! thank u for all the comments on th last chapter im sorry i havent!! responded to any but i read all of them always and my heart grows so big every time i read any and every comment yall leave so thank u and i care you ;~; <3


	14. Descent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Science Team finds themselves separated after the military ambush.

Gordon blinked- almost as soon as everything in his vision cut out, it came back in a new, albeit, somewhat familiar environment. He picked himself up- he had been lying down in a pile of refuse. He looked at his hands- both were still there, that was a relief. He adjusted his glasses as he looked to the pile of crates leading upwards, with two steel walls on either side of him. Near him, on the ground and seemingly passed out, was Benrey. But if he was here… Maybe?

“Josh? Josh!” Gordon started yelling, walking through the trash, looking behind crates and all over the small room. “Joshua!”

Nothing. Gordon could feel his heart pounding in his chest. He _just_ saw him. He just saw him like _that_. He couldn’t lose him again. He turned back over to Benrey, still comatose, apparently. He walked back over to him and nudged him with his boot.

“Get up.” Benrey’s eyes fluttered open as he woke with a start, grimacing at his surroundings before looking up at Gordon. “What happened.”

“Whuh?”

“Don’t play games with me. What happened?”

“I don’t know! Seriously!” Benrey defended, getting up and dusting himself off.

“Then, what’s _been_ happening? Tell me everything, _now_.”

“Fuckin’, wait,” Benrey started. “Like, yeah, this is bad, but you don’t need to jump on me-“

“I have every right to be upset, Benrey!” Gordon cut him off. “My son is hurt, and I don’t know where he is, and every second that goes by, something awful could be happening to him, and, I was supposed to be done with this, and, I could forget about all of this _bullshit_ , but you just couldn’t let that happen, huh? You had to take the one person from me that mattered most, and-“

“What makes you think I did that?!”

“Because I don’t trust you! Obviously! I-“ Their argument was suddenly cut short by the sound of metal scraping as the walls came to life, slowly lurching forward. Gordon paled. Looked like they were thrown in the right part of the trash compactor, this time. He started scrambling up crates, quickly followed by Benrey. Benrey, almost deftly, made it to the top first, a safe space on a concrete platform. Gordon was still climbing boxes, nearly there before the crate underneath him was suddenly crushed. He gasped, not enough time to shout as he started falling, until a hand caught his own, pulling him up and out of harm’s way as the steel maw closed shut. Gordon breathed heavily, then looked at Benrey, gathering his thoughts.

“Thanks.” He finally said. Benrey nodded. A few moments of silence passed between them, both grateful that they weren’t killed, but residual hurt still lurking.

“I get it.” Benrey said. “They don’t trust me either. Not really.” There was an obvious pain behind his eyes that almost made Gordon feel sorry for him. Almost.

“You tried to kill us.”

“You were trying to kill me first.” Benrey glared. “And then you abandoned us, so, you know, I think I have a right to be mad too.”

“That’s different! You get how that’s different, right? I didn’t- It-…” Gordon felt himself deflate. There was a pause as he tried to put what to say next together. He wasn’t actually sure what he wanted to tell him. “...I gotta sleep with a light on, man.”

“Huh?”

“I… I can’t recover from this. I can’t talk about it in therapy, because nobody would ever believe me, I can’t talk to my friends about it, like hell I was gonna talk to Josh about it, and, I’m- I still get panic attacks if, if I’m working late, and the- the lights at the school automatically shut off, if they don’t detect movement for a while. Every time that happens I’m back. I’m back here. And none of you are helping me. You’re encouraging them. You let them do that to me.” Gordon swallowed, looking away from Benrey. “And I want to blame you, so much, for letting this happen to my son. I want to, so, bad. But I can’t. I can’t, I…”

“Gordon?”

“I didn’t… I never got rid of the headset. I couldn't. Because I couldn't forget. And Josh found it. It’s my fault. I haven’t- I’ve been _trying_ to forget. I’ve been trying so hard, and I thought if I just, moved on, and didn’t think about all of this, it’d be enough. But it wasn’t. I left you all here. And I was _okay_ with that. And I didn’t- I didn’t make it safe enough for Joshua, and-“ Gordon shook his head. “I should’ve gotten here sooner. I could’ve stopped it. I could’ve stopped all of this. I was scared. I was scared to come back. I didn’t- I didn’t _want_ you guys out. I didn’t want to see you again. I’m- I’m a fucking coward. And now Josh is paying the price because I couldn’t keep my shit together, and it’s all my fault, and-“ There was a sudden hand on the back of his neck, where he could definitely feel the warmth on him. A comforting motion. Gordon stuttered an exhale. Benrey was consoling him. Someone he feared, for a long time. Well… Used to, maybe. It was different, seeing him again. Interacting with him like this.

“You’re not a bad dad.” Benrey started. “ _I_ think you’re totally sucks, and, uh, not epic. But I don’t think you’re a bad dad.” Benrey took a moment. “Josh told us, all about his life, and stuff, and his, um, food club. And his, his driving test, and, school, and, what, uh, what’s been goin' on with you. And, like, he listens to us, too. And puts up with our shit. I don’t know. He’s a good kid. And unless, like, you really, _really_ , fucked up somehow, you know, I think if he’s good, then, you’re good too. At least in that one, uh, very specific way.” Gordon gave Benrey a small, sad smile.

“Not always how that works.” He said. “But, thanks.”

“…You really didn’t want us out?” Benrey asked, not quite a question- perhaps rhetorical, if he let it be. Gordon sighed.

“I don’t know, man. This was… Traumatic.” He let it sit in the air for a second. He never put words to it like that before. But how else could he describe it, really. “I didn’t…” He paused. “…I was scared.” They were both quiet for a while. Benrey sighed before he closed his eyes and started to sing- Sweet Voice was much easier than actually having to talk this out. Way less lame too. He correlated his notes to cyan, melding into teal, then green- ‘I wish we could’ve been less mean’. Gordon would probably ask what it meant, but there was a lot to say, and a lot he really wasn’t quite ready to. This would be enough.

“Is… What are you doing?” He asked. Benrey opened his eyes.

“Senior citizen Feetman doesn’t even… Remember… Sweet…” He trailed off, looking around and finding there was barely any Sweet Voice at all, a few dull threads floating around. He scowled and concentrated harder, singing again. Nothing.

“Benrey?”

“Fuckin’, hold on-“ Benrey sang again, utilizing his entire embouchure. Gordon winced as he went to the higher notes. Still nothing. He stopped, leaning forward and resting his arms on his legs, clasping his hands together, tense and unmoving. “-Um. Hah. I don’t think that’s good.”

“What? What’s wrong?”

“I, uh. I don’t know. Uh. Hmm. Hah-hah, uh oh.” Benrey said, the usual monotone in his voice quavering slightly. Gordon noticed how white Benrey’s knuckles were, gripping tight on his fingers. He couldn’t tell if the tremble was because of how hard he was digging into himself, or if he was trying to stop his hands from shaking. “I don’t- I can’t do it.” He swallowed. He suddenly slammed his hand flat down onto the concrete platform, the loud smack echoing in the room. He did it again, harder. And again, even harder, until Gordon stopped him, gently taking his wrist.

“Dude, stop, you’re hurting yourself. Talk to me.”

“It won’t, uh, hah, it won’t let me go through. I can’t- I can’t even clip, man. Um. Ah, hah, uh.” Benrey took a shallow breath. Everything around him suddenly felt much heavier, his security vest weighing on him, the look Gordon was giving him, the hand around his wrist, the world crashing down on him- what he wouldn’t give to Sweet Voice the panic away. He felt his throat choke up as he tried to get words out. “Hah, I don’t, I don’t know what’s happening man, I’m, uhh, feeling pretty bad, um, uh-“ Gordon suddenly put a hand on his shoulder.

“Okay! Okay, shit’s a little weird right now. That’s okay. You’re okay, man.” Gordon tried to reassure. It was a mixture of wanting to calm him down while also trying to ignore the fact he was still in the middle of reconciling with him.

But damn him if Benrey hadn’t stumbled into his thoughts more than once over the last fifteen years. And damn him if he wasn’t a bleeding heart, at the end of it all.

There was going to be more discussion later, absolutely, but like the many times Benrey comforted him when he was at one of the lowest points in his life, the very least he could do was return the favor. He focused back on the man in front of him, obviously spiraling into himself, and pulled him into a hug. He felt Benrey tense up more than he already was- Gordon started to pull back, afraid he made the wrong move, until Benrey suddenly reciprocated, arms tight around the HEV suit. Gordon nodded and leaned back into it.

They stayed like that for a time. Gordon rubbed small, slow circles into Benrey’s back. He didn’t even know if he could feel it through the vest, but it seemed to be working, the tight strain in his body slowly lessening as he held him. They eventually pulled away- he hadn’t realized Benrey had been crying. He was completely quiet and still through it all, but tears were still running down his face.

“Aw, man, don’t- it’s okay, seriously, um-“ Gordon looked around for anything to use as a tissue to no avail. He tsked at himself before bringing his hand up and wiped at his cheek with his thumb. “Sorry, I know it’s not the best, but it’s all I got.” Benrey met his eyes for a moment. Gordon felt his stomach backflip. Jesus, old flames die hot. Or not. Looked like that was still burning bright, actually.

But he had other things to deal with right now that were of much bigger importance than an unrequited crush he had fifteen years ago. Maybe still had. Not thinking too much about it.

“You think Tommy might know what’s up? He knows a lot about Sweet Voice.” Gordon asked.

Benrey nodded as he wiped the other side of his face with his shirt sleeve. He really hoped Gordon wrote off the furious red in his cheeks to him being upset. He was upset, of course. Suddenly thrust into normalcy was, definitely not what he was expecting, for today. But he couldn’t lean on Sweet Voice anymore. That fucking _sucked_. And everything he had to say to Gordon actually had to be said. Gross. He sighed and gathered himself.

“Um. Probably.” He paused for a moment. “Thanks.” He said. Gordon nodded.

“It’s okay.” They were both quiet for a few moments. Benrey considered his next words. 

“I don’t… I’ve, uh, had a lot of time, to think about everything. I don’t- I didn’t want to be bad, man. I didn’t. I’m not bad.” Benrey paused. “I need you to know I’m not bad. And I wouldn’t hurt Josh. Ever. And, I’m… Also… Scared, about him.”

“You’re not working with G-Man?”

“What?” That was very new information. “Is- hang on, uh? Tommy’s _dad,_ G-Man? Fuckin’, _‘Mr. Coolatta’_?”

“You don’t…? Oh, my god, uh, yeah, he… Okay-“ Gordon relayed what happened outside the computer- the interference with G-Man, the headset, partnering up with Darnold and how he helped him get here in the first place, Gordon said everything. It was good- it gave Benrey something else to think about. Something else that mattered more than his own _emotional turmoil_ , or whatever. Benrey was silent for a few moments after Gordon finished. “You look like you’re thinking.”

“Yeah, duh.” Benrey started. “You think… He wouldn’t… Do you think he would’ve been able to, uh, talk to Josh without us knowing?”

“I mean, he could do that time-stop thing and talk to me last time.”

“Nah, I would’ve known that. I think. I don’t… Josh was acting, like… Kind of weird this morning. Like, standoffish? And then, before, the assassins, we… Yesterday and the day before it was big chiller, but, I don’t know, it was like a switch flipped, or something, and he didn’t… He was talking about how we’re ‘supposed’ to betray him, and, like, I don’t know where he heard that from. And then like, Tommy asked something, and he got like, nervous, and then just, teleported away? So… I think the game might be glitching? I don’t know.”

“Huh. He’s really not, confrontational like that. He has to be like, really upset before he even considers saying something.” Gordon furrowed his brow. “But I don’t think the game glitching is a good sign. That’s, worrying.”

“I don’t… Yeah.” They sat uncomfortably, neither of them entirely sure what to do with the puzzle pieces in front of them.

“This isn’t… You’re not lying to me, right? I just…”

“I’m not.” Benrey took a deep breath, exhaling it out slowly. “Man, like… You know we’re learning A.I., right? Like, we learned, based off of what you did, and how you acted, and we reacted to that. I know, a lot of scary and fucked up shit happened, but, scary and fucked up shit happened to me too.” He looked down at his hands, memories idling in his head. “I didn’t want to be bad. I really, really didn’t. But the game needed an antagonist. And, I’m really trying, to not be bad, anymore. I’m different now. I’m- I’ve learned, different. I don’t… I feel like… Hanging out, and, like, being there for Josh, makes me a better person, and I’m-… I get if you don’t want to be, like, best friends with me, or whatever, but I’m not a villain anymore.” There was a stretch of silence between them.

“So… The antagonist changes?”

“Yeah? I, I think so. I hope so.” He sighed. “Maybe all this is useless, and I’m just, always gonna be the final boss. I don’t know. But I’m, like, trying not to be.” There was another long quiet.

“You’ve been really watching out for Josh?”

“Yeah, man. He’s a bro. The whole Science Team has.” Gordon sighed, looking at Benrey, considering what he said. He hadn’t realized just how big of a part he actually played in his run of the game, but it made sense. It put some things into context. He stumbled on his words before settling on something.

“I’m… I’m sorry. Really. And, um… It’s okay, if you’re not- if you don’t want to accept my apology. But I am, sorry. And… Thanks for, for looking after my son, when I wasn’t here. That- it means a lot, to me. And-“ Gordon stopped himself for a moment. “…Thank you.”

“Soft n’ mushy Gordon. Kinda gay.”

“Are you seriously-“

“You’re welcome.” Benrey suddenly said. “I’m- Yeah. I’m sorry too. For, um. Everything.” He paused. “We’ll find Josh. We’ll- it’ll be okay. We’re… We’re probably, like, overreacting. I’m… Like, we’ll find him. And it’ll be fine.” Benrey paused. “Maybe… Hah, maybe we’ll fight, fuckin’, Mr. Coolatta at Xen. Cringe.” Gordon snorted, then thought a little deeper about what he said.

“Oh. Maybe, actually.” Gordon said. “I- If you’re right, and the antagonist can change… I mean, there’s definitely, bad blood there already. Why wouldn’t he be the final boss?” He stopped. Benrey suddenly laughed.

“He wouldn’t even give me a PS+ voucher. Lame ass final boss. What’s he gonna do, like, throw a big briefcase at us? Uhh, take a trip to the business suit store and make us pick out ties for him? Scary.” Gordon couldn’t help himself from laughing. G-Man had definitely scared him, and the implications something dark was coming weren’t lost on him. But there was a strange consolation in a previous final boss taking the presumed new one down a notch. It made him feel a little better.

“The- the final battle would just be, like, a debate about Chuck E. Cheese.” Gordon said between snickers. Benrey was almost too distracted by a familiar feeling in his chest hearing him laugh again, and laugh at a joke he made, that he nearly missed what he said- nearly.

“Huh?”

“The- oh. Um… After, uh, your, boss battle, we- G-Man took the Science Team to Chuck E. Cheese, we- there was a whole thing about, whether it was a restaurant or a ‘family entertainment center’, and-… Yeah. I- sorry, I forgot, you weren’t, there.” He drummed his fingers on the concrete awkwardly. “We better get to the rest of the Science Team.” Gordon said as he stood up, then reached a hand out for Benrey. He took it, and Gordon pulled him to his feet. They met eye to eye, both recognizing there were, perhaps, more things they could say between them. But maybe not. They couldn’t be sure. Gordon broke eye contact first. “There, um, should be a pipe we can go down, somewhere around here.” He started. Benrey quickly looked away and agreed, and they began their journey to the team.

* * *

Darnold got up slowly, eyes focusing at just where he was. First thing he noticed was the green sludge surrounding the little area he found himself in. Secondly, his head was on something soft, and warm- fuzzy? He sat up. It was Sunkist, sleeping soundly. He turned himself around to take in more of the space, finding Tommy sitting, looking right back at him with a warm smile.

“Hi.” He said. Darnold returned the smile.

“Hi.” He reached a hand out. Tommy took it, scooting over and holding him close before kissing the top of his head. Darnold put his face against Tommy’s shoulder, fitting in perfectly against him. “I missed you.”

“I, I missed you! So much!” Tommy replied. “I thought… I didn’t know, if, if I’d ever see you again.” He felt himself sink a little before pulling away. “I’m… I’m sorry, that, the next time we saw each other, wasn’t, out.” Darnold gently cupped Tommy’s face and gazed up at him.

“You have nothing to apologize for.” He said. “We’re here now.” Tommy nodded, putting his hand over Darnold’s, a comforting, loving motion he hadn’t entirely registered how much he truly missed. They stayed like that for a few moments, foreheads pressed against each other, until Sunkist got up and slotted herself as much as she could between them, wanting to be the center of attention. Tommy laughed, sitting back on his legs, Darnold adjusting himself so he was sitting cross-legged. “There’s… A lot, I got to catch you up on.” Darnold said.

“Same, same here!” Tommy agreed. They spent some time relaying information to each other- Darnold told Tommy about contacting Gordon, using the code to find them, finding Sunkist, and Tommy told him about the trip thus far, travelling with the Science Team again, learning more about the world outside from Joshua. When all was said and done, Darnold absently pet Sunkist and sighed.

“There’s, um, one more thing, I didn’t mention.” He started. “Have you… Heard anything from your dad?”

“No? Should, should I have?” Darnold bit his lip.

“I don’t know. But, something’s, up. Gordon- well, before we got here, he tried to do something with the console commands, until he got, interrupted? By him? And then, before we got loaded into the game, we were in this, void, and he was saying some pretty sinister stuff. And, I mean, as much as I’m glad I’m here, and get to see you again, I- I shouldn’t be here, Tommy. My part of the game is a ways away. I think, he might be affecting some things.” He paused. “I don’t know, exactly, what he’s affecting, but I’ve just… I’ve got a bad feeling about it.” He looked back up to him. “I know that’s a lot to dump on you.” Tommy shook his head.

“No, I’m, I’m glad you told me.” He said. Now, it was his turn to run his fingers through Sunkist’s fur as he put his thoughts together. “I’m-… If, if he’s been able to, to manipulate the code like that, and, and change things, and talk to you guys, maybe, I… Why wouldn’t he get in touch with me?” Darnold felt his heart hitch in his chest. That wasn’t something he anticipated. He reached a hand out to Tommy, who took it, running his thumb over his knuckles. “I do… I do everything _right_.” He sighed and stopped himself. “It’s, it’s okay. We’ll, we’ll get back with the rest of the Science Team, and, and figure out where to go from there.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Tommy stood up, helping Darnold up with him and ignoring the question.

“We, we should probably, try to find the others, and-“ Darnold stopped him, taking both of his hands into his own.

“It’s been fifteen years, Tommy. And, it’s just us. And we have time, now.” Darnold thought for a moment. “I… You know, sometimes, sometimes I feel like I do everything, wrong. Like, the potion, for Gordon’s arm. I- he just, doesn’t have a hand now, and, I feel partly responsible, for that. Or, not telling you I like you until we were in our thirties. Or… Last time. Being too… Intimidated, with stuff you all do just fine.” He paused, fidgeting with Tommy’s hands and getting his words together. “So, I don’t know, what it’s like, to do everything _right_ , but, I do know, it’s okay to do things wrong too, because, that just means, you can do it better next time. And, even if you did do everything right, sometimes, that’s just not going to be good enough for some people. But, I see you. And I know you see me.” Darnold smiled up at Tommy. Tommy pulled Darnold into a big hug.

“You don’t do things wrong.” He started. “You, you do things, _human_ , and that’s, _beautiful_. I wish, I wish I was like you.” Tommy paused. “I don’t… I hate that I’m, good, at killing. I know I have to. But, but I hate it. I get, scared of myself. And, and I don’t- I feel like, I’m like this, because, that’s how, my dad wants me to be, but, also, because, that’s how the team, needs me to be.” Darnold squeezed Tommy tighter.

“That must be scary.” He said. “Have you talked to the team about that?”

“No.”

“Well, that might be the first step.” He let go slightly, but still kept Tommy in his arms. “I know you. And I know you like to be the problem-solver, and be the support, and that’s so courageous. But you have to lean on other people too, yeah?” Tommy nodded and smiled.

“Yeah.” He cupped Darnold’s face. “How did, how did I get the smartest partner in the whole world?” He felt Darnold’s cheeks warm against his hands as he laughed.

“I could ask myself the same thing.” He said back. That was the last word on that before Tommy kissed him, which was of course reciprocated. They pulled back, Darnold’s face still in Tommy’s hands as he sighed contently.

“And, and, also, I didn’t tell you I liked you until you told me, so, so I think, if anything, I might’ve, fumbled that a little, too.” Tommy said.

“Well, see, there you go, we both do things wr- _human_.” Darnold replied softly. “But we got there eventually, huh?” Tommy nodded.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Sunkist started barking suddenly. The two turned away from each other, following her line of sight, and there, coming out from the grate of a large pipe was Gordon and Benrey. Perhaps a little worse for wear, but who wasn’t, here?

“Tommy! Darnold!” Gordon said, more than happy to see his friends again.

“Hey, Mr. Freeman!” Tommy said back. Him and Darnold went over to the pipe, helping the two down as Sunkist ran circles around the group. Once they were all on the ground, Gordon put a hand on Tommy’s shoulder.

“It’s good to see you, man.” He started. “Benrey filled me in on what’s been happening. So, thank you. All of you guys.”

“It’s, it’s no worries, Mr. Freeman! I’m just, just really glad we’re all back.”

“Really, Tommy. I’m really sorry. About everything.” Tommy sighed and nodded.

“Thanks.” Gordon took his hand off his shoulder.

“I know this is kind of a longshot, but you guys didn’t happen to see Josh, did you?” Darnold shook his head.

“We’ve just been here. Where’d you guys come from? The player’s supposed to drop in from the trash chute.”

“We came from there. No Josh.” There was a brief, tense pause.

“Maybe, maybe Dr. Coomer or Bubby’s seen him?” Tommy offered. Gordon nodded.

“Yeah. That’s gotta be it. The- it probably just, loaded in, weird.” He took a deep breath. “Um, speaking of weird...” Gordon wasn’t entirely sure how to start it. He looked over to Benrey.

“Don’t be rude, please and thank you.” Benrey cut in. He was crouched down next to Sunkist before standing up with the rest of the group.

“What’s, what’s up?” Tommy asked him. Benrey looked away, almost shameful. It was an odd look on him.

“We don’t, know if it, uh, means anything. But, like, I can’t do Sweet Voice anymore.”

“Oh.” Tommy thought for a moment. “Well, um… Are, are you sure?”

“Yeah. Pwn’d by my own body. Fucked up.”

“That’s, that’s definitely strange.” Tommy said, deep in thought. “Well, I, I assume, you probably had Sweet Voice in the first place, because of, Xen, and, and all of that. But, but if you can’t do it anymore…” Tommy suddenly lit up. “Benrey! This, this is great news! Maybe, maybe it means that you’re not, not being registered as the bad guy anymore!” Benrey’s eyes went wide. “I, I told you! I’m, I’m really proud of you!”

“Are you serious?”

“I mean, it’s, it’s just an idea, sure, but, but maybe!” Benrey felt like a massive weight lifted off him. They really did change the game, and it was validated in a very real, tangible way.

“Epic win.” He said. He felt, much bigger than that, but that summed it up as best as he could contain, at the moment. He was _good_. Maybe. But still. He had yet to contend with not having funky alien powers anymore, but in comparison to the very feeling of being better and having confirmation of it, that was something he could live with. He felt Gordon put a hand on his shoulder and squeeze it.

“So, you’re not gonna antagonize me anymore?” Gordon joked.

“Uh, no. It makes me, uh, endearing. And you love it.” Gordon felt his ears go red.

“Yeah, keep telling yourself that.” He quipped. Good save, Gordon. He cleared his throat and turned to the rest of the group. “Um, I guess that makes sense- it seems like Mr. Coolatta’s shaping up to be the bad guy this round anyway.” He caught himself. “Oh, shit, Tommy-“

“I explained it before you guys got here.” Darnold said.

“Gotcha.” Gordon paused. “We think… Well, it’s a theory, but we think maybe G-Man might be talking to Josh, somehow. I, um, apparently he was acting different this morning?” Tommy nodded.

“Yeah.” He agreed. “I… I mean, he was saying stuff, about, knowing how things were supposed to be, which was, odd. But, but it could, also just be, stress. This isn’t a great place to have a teenager, Mr. Freeman.”

“Trust me, I’m well aware. But, Benrey said you guys have been looking out for him, right?”

“Of, of course!”

“Okay.” He thought for a moment. “We just gotta find Josh, find Dr. Coomer and Bubby, get a plan together, and, uh, fight your dad, maybe.”

“Sounds like, like classic Science Team hijinks.” Tommy said. He looked over to Sunkist, wagging her tail as he bent down next to her and scratched her ears.

“I think it might be, be time to send you on your way.” He said to Sunkist. She whimpered a little, before Darnold had an idea.

“Wait a second,” He started. “Sunkist was able to find you, Tommy. That’s how we were able to get here in the first place. Do you think she’d be able to find Josh?” Tommy looked up at him, eyes alight.

“You’re brilliant.” He said.

“Would that really work?” Gordon asked. Tommy nodded.

“She’s, she’s the perfect dog, Mr. Freeman!” He looked back to Sunkist. “You think you can find him?” Sunkist barked, some green Sweet Voice accompanying the noise.

“Um, you know what he looks like? About, yea-high, a suit like mine, short hair, crowbar-“ Gordon stopped, realizing he was really giving a dog instructions on how to look for his son. But at this point, it seemed like this was the best possible option. “-Yeah?” Sunkist barked again. Gordon turned to Tommy. “I’m gonna assume that’s a ‘yes’.”

“She’s got it, Mr. Freeman!” Tommy assured. He gave her a parting pat on the head before she ran off, clipping through a wall and disappearing, leaving the group alone. Tommy stood up, dusting off his pant legs and addressing the team. “Let’s get going! I’m, I’m sure we can find Bubby and Dr. Coomer, and catch them up, and get to Josh, and, and everything will be okay!”

They made their way back into Black Mesa, a long, but solidified road ahead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> four members of, the science team crew ! and more will return,.,.,. eyes emoji
> 
> thank u so much for reading !!! legit reading all the comments on last chapter i was,., my hands were flapping so fast it was big excited stimming time so thank u everybody for that <3 i'm gonna try 2 keep up the upload pace but classes are starting for me next week so, yuck. but things are happening !! also, if youve read this far, congratulations, youve read 103 pages of content!!! wild !!!!!
> 
> anyways thanks so much for reading and commenting and kudo'ing, it all means so much and im so glad you all are enjoying this !!!


	15. Abyss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh finds himself in the military ambush. The Science Team reconvenes.  
> \---  
> Mild body horror CW, descriptions of video game glitching and Bubby's prototypes

“Where are we takin’ this Freeman guy?”

“Topside for questioning.”

Josh’s eyes slowly focused to the world around him as the chatter brought him out of his unconscious state. He looked down at himself, his legs dragging behind him as two men pulled him forward by his arms down a long corridor. He felt the harsh sting in his right side, only made worse by the fact he was being stretched out like this.

“What the hell for? We got him. Let’s kill him now!”

Josh’s breathing quickened. This must’ve been the military ambush. He went to struggle against the men, but his body felt heavy, stiff as he attempted to force himself to do anything. He tried to yell, but he couldn’t even open his mouth.

“And, if they find the body?”

“Body? What b-b-b-b-“ The man started stuttering, like a record needle stuck on a groove. Josh felt his heart pounding frantically in his chest as the world paused and started flashing, going from the hallway to a black emptiness, white lights streaking past him. The sound of the men kept going in and out as he did, the void moving into his vision faster and faster, until he was suddenly there, and alone. But he could move again. He looked around, suspended in the nothing, aimlessly floating as he tried to make sense of where he was.

“Hello?” He called out. The sound seemed lost to the space.

A sudden sharp, digital noise struck Josh, the white lights around him turning a faded green while missing texture glitched in and out around him. He clamped his hands over his ears and squeezed his eyes shut, realizing he didn’t have his ear plugs anymore. He winced as he curled in on himself, trying to block out everything happening around him.

Until the sound stopped. He tentatively took his hands away from his ears- the world was still pulsing, black and green shifting faster than he could digest as he tried to focus on anywhere but his environment. Looking down at himself wasn’t much better. He saw pixelated bits of the HEV suit greeble and revert back, as if he was a broken object in the game. His hands flashed from the gloves, to missing texture in a vague outline, to a polygonal mass, and then, without much warning, his right arm up the forearm was gone. It didn’t hurt. It just wasn’t there. And it shifted to a gun, attached onto him, and then it was back to his normal hand. The process kept repeating, phasing the form like it was a scrollwheel of different options as he was abruptly dropped into a room. The space seemed to be somewhat unstable, objects around clipping into the wall before moving back to their designated places, but at least it was mostly solid. And there was a familiar face.

“Hello, Joshua!” Dr. Coomer said, standing on a flight of stairs next to a medkit. And, despite everything, Josh was more than glad to see someone he knew.

“Dr. Coomer!” He began making his way towards him. “There’s- I feel wrong-“ Josh started, until the room shifted quickly. Where before it was just him and Dr. Coomer, now, all around him were models of Dr. Coomer, filling the every square inch of the area, tethered to him as if locking onto prey.

“Hello, Gordon!” Came the cacophony of voices before they attacked, charging at him, continuing their battle cry as Josh felt the claustrophobia sink in. Suddenly, his arm was raised, stutters of bullets flying out during the times his hand was phased to the gun. He felt like he couldn’t get his body to listen to him as the spray took out the clones, shouting, terrified of himself. And as soon as it happened, the world was suddenly shifted back to just the one Dr. Coomer, alone, still on the flight of stairs, albeit looking far more concerned.

“Joshua?”

“I don’t know what’s happening!” Josh yelled. “Help-“ He was suddenly blipped out of the room, back in the void, the metallic ringing returning with a vengeance before he was dropped again. His glitching was getting worse, parts of himself phasing up and back like technicolor test bars on a TV screen. There wasn’t any feeling accompanying it, but it wasn’t pleasant to be aware of.

This new room looked like a control chamber. Josh was behind a large, metal-plated cylindrical object in the middle of it, a blue glow cascading down in front of it. He heard thumping coming from it, almost as if someone was inside. He gathered himself, walking over, each footstep leaving a trail of pixels behind him, like he was breaking the space just by being here.

Bubbles moved through the liquid in a circular arc as Bubby hit the glass with his fist. He stopped, momentarily, seeing Josh staring right back at him. They looked at each other, some kind of kinship at their states, both needing help and recognizing that in the other. Bubby pointed behind Josh.

“Hit the button!” He said, muffled through the tube. Josh turned, seeing the big red button Bubby must’ve been referring to. He slammed his hand down onto it, only for it to phase right through the control panel. He turned back to Bubby, fear in his eyes, as he tried again. Nothing. Bubby put his hands against the clear panel, taking in Josh’s ephemeral, glitching condition, looking on with unease.

Josh put a hand through his hair- now was _not_ the time to be clipping, of all things. But he could put a hand through his hair. He was real. Maybe-

Josh turned back to Bubby, making a snap decision before putting his hands through the glass, grabbing Bubby by the lapels of his lab coat and pulling him out of the tube. Bubby gasped, breathing in air again, then quickly adjusted his glasses as he looked Josh up and down.

“What the _hell_.” Bubby huffed. Josh shook his head.

“Something’s fucked up.” He started. “I’m scared-“ He was cut off as a sudden error message flashed above him, bright red and bracketed. As he looked back to Bubby, or, where Bubby should’ve been, he found he was in a new place, alone. Dim fluorescents sputtered to life. This hallway was littered with debris, slabs of concrete and live electrical wiring around him. He found he had the gun arm again, his heart dropping as he heard a sudden crash from in front of him, somewhere. He stood, paralyzed, not trying to alert whatever was here, but it seemed that was useless against what found him. Distended creatures vaguely resembling Bubby started crawling towards him, rattling and clicking as they made a reach for him.

Adrenaline took over as Josh sprinted down the hall, only looking back to fire at the prototypes as they rushed him. He rounded the corner, only finding more coming at him, hands attempting to grab him. He looked around for some kind of way out, seeing a metal door to his left. He ran to it, throwing it open and shutting it even faster as the mass of bodies threw themselves up against it.

This room was quieter, no light, save for a glowing orange sphere at the other end of it. He hesitated moving towards it, but the banging on the door got him away, heading to the middle of the space and hunkering down. He sat, bringing his knees up to his chest and holding himself tight with his left arm, his gun-arm leaning against the floor. He didn’t want it anywhere near him.

Pixels centered around him, slowly moving out as the space started getting fuzzier, blocks of it flitting away into the nothing Josh was becoming all too familiar with. He took shaky, shallow breaths, trying to keep himself together as best he could, putting his head down as the world faded away from him, too overwhelmed to do anything else but sit in the quiet and let whatever was going to happen, happen. Cyan and teal Sweet Voice escaped from him, forming abstract blobs that floated up slowly as the room vanished.

He didn’t know how long he stayed like that. He just knew he was interrupted by something on his boot. He cautiously lifted his head up, unsure about whatever frightening trial would wait for him next, only to find a paw on him. He followed the leg up until he was face to face with probably the biggest dog he’d ever seen. They weren’t unrealistically large, but definitely more sizeable than a dog should’ve been. He sniffled, wiping his eyes as the dog panted at him and suddenly nudged him with their nose. Josh flinched for a moment- he was still reeling from everything and wasn’t eager to be pulled into a new horror.

But they seemed friendly enough. When he flinched, they quickly retracted, moving to lie on the ground instead, close enough to Josh, but not so much that he would be afraid.

Josh looked around the room, noticing he was in one of the many empty lobbies of Black Mesa. He definitely hadn’t been to this part before, a large room with larger windows showing the desert outside, the blue sky cutting it right through the middle. A reception desk was behind him, and to both sides of him were corridors leading back into the facility, he assumed.

He looked back down at himself- it seemed like he was okay. Solid. It was a weird feeling, knowing that just a while ago, he really wasn’t that. He had both hands again, no longer glitching out. He looked down at where his knife wound was, finding the fabric on the HEV suit returned to its previous state, sealed up. He brought a hand down to it, feeling over the texture, an obvious raised line up against his side, but apparently, it scabbed over. Still tender, though- a dull ache shivering through him as he touched it. A med-station would definitely help, but he figured he could probably take a bit longer to recover from… Whatever just happened, before he had to get up. He took further stock- looked like he got the crowbar back, looped into the holder on the left side of the HEV suit. He reached up for his back, feeling the crossbow and the sheath of arrows still with him. That was lucky.

He took a deep breath and turned back to the dog, gently moving his hand out for them to sniff. The dog put their head against it. Josh smiled.

“Hey, sweetie,” He said, his voice soft. The dog wagged their tail as Josh petted them. “What are you doin’ here, huh?” What _was_ a dog doing here? He remembered Tommy mentioning his dog- that seemed like forever ago. It clicked in his head.

“Oh! Are you Sunkist?” Josh asked. Sunkist barked happily, green Sweet Voice launching up in the air and popping like bubbles. A sort of disbelieving laugh escaped Josh. “You can do that?” Sunkist barked again, almost like a confirmation. Josh scratched behind Sunkist’s ears. “Yeah, me and Benrey, too. We’re a little messed up. Not you though, you’re very nice.”

It felt a lot better, to take comfort in the simple joy of a nice dog with soft fur, rather than beginning to process his nightmarish montage. He actually felt pretty sick, trying to sort it out. So he’d leave it alone, for now. Sunkist moved so she was right up next him- Josh took the hint and put his head against her, putting his arm around her to pet her side and getting himself to calm down, slowly but surely.

They stayed like that for a bit. Eventually, Josh gathered himself enough to stand up, shaking his hands and getting excess nervous energy out of him. Sunkist stood at the ready.

“Um. I really don’t know where to go, from here. I don’t… I don’t know what to do.” He felt a little silly, talking to her like she might have an answer. But she was already on the move, heading to the other side of the room, towards the left entrance of the corridor. He was hesitant. It seemed like she was trying to lead him somewhere, and he was unsure if it was going to be towards a hoard of aliens, or the military, or… The Science Team. He didn’t how he felt about that.

But in his desperate moments, he reached out for Dr. Coomer and Bubby. And maybe if he hadn’t disappeared, they might have helped him. Or not.

Either way, something was obviously wrong. Maybe it’d be okay to tell them. At the very least, he knew G-Man hadn’t made any more contact with him. It was starting to look like his options were being on his own, or being with the team. Deep down, somewhere inside him, he knew, physically, he could probably handle playing solo. He had weapons, and he’d been carrying himself fine, for the most part, before the ambush. But emotionally? Absolutely not. Not after whatever he just went through. He wondered if G-Man took into consideration his own human vulnerability, before telling him, everything. Was that a betrayal of his own self, or the basic need to trust, fundamentally? He didn’t know. It was too deep to think about right now.

Sunkist barked with blue Sweet Voice, grabbing his attention. He didn’t exactly know what the royal blue meant, but he felt reassured, looking at it. Like an encouraging pat on the back.

“Alright, I’m coming.” He said, following Sunkist. She kept moving forward, going through a wall. Josh stopped. He really didn’t want to go into the void again- he wasn’t even sure he could clip. He didn’t know how to get it controlled like that. Sunkist suddenly returned, coming back through the wall and putting herself at Josh’s side. He put his hand down on her back and she started moving again through the wall- ah. She was guiding him. He took a deep breath, putting his other hand out and stepping through, letting Sunkist lead him wherever they were headed.

* * *

Bubby did not like being alone. At all. It felt, unsafe, especially in a place like this. But now, somehow, he had to traverse his way to the team. Last time, he just waited for anybody to show up, but now he had the very stifling freedom of being able to find his way back. Or not- he could just wait here. But that… He had to get to the team- there was a lot to talk about, preferably as soon as possible.

He examined the control panel in front of him, the red button Harold “accidentally” pressed so many times before in the past staring back up at him. Looking around the place, remembering the scientists in lab coats around him, scribbling down on their clipboards and adjusting dials on the side of the tube, speaking to each other in hushed voices- despite being the most perfect scientist, he always managed to feel smaller than them, like nothing but an experiment. But he was one of them, right?

Of course he was. He was better than them, actually. Much better. And he didn’t need to think about it anymore, because it didn’t matter anyway.

He went back around his tube and through the hallway behind it, hoping he’d find a gun or something along the way back.

* * *

Dr. Coomer stood, frozen on the stairwell. What _was_ that? Of course, he was all too familiar with the mechanisms of the game, his self-awareness having come fully around at the end of Gordon’s run. But he’d never seen the game actively _break_ like that. To be able to support multiple fully-functioning A.I., and a human (well, two, he supposed, now), he knew the system had to be robust. What happened? And, furthermore, what of Joshua's knowledge of his father’s run before the ambush? It irked him- things weren’t adding up, but as a scientist, it was his job to puzzle and work through hard problems like these.

When he spawned into this room, he was glad there were no clones alongside him- that was his first, real sign that this time was different, confirmed by the game itself. That felt good. But perhaps it was in err, he thought upon seeing them suddenly glitch in, and the room almost, reacting to Joshua, watching his form shift and buzz with static. He still felt everything the clones felt, but almost more so, knowing that it wasn’t supposed to be like this. There was not supposed to be a battle here. Not this time. Dr. Coomer felt that down to his bones.

He briefly considered leaving his post, but decided against it. He was about half way between Bubby’s tube and where the player was supposed to drop in anyway- might as well wait for, whoever, to come. And, obviously, Joshua was separated from the rest of the group, but perhaps someone else from the Science Team would find him. He needed the time alone anyway, to tackle the questions racing through his head as he patiently waited for his friends to join him.

* * *

Darnold caught his breath, after jumping off a rotating platform above a vat of green sludge. Tommy took his hand and pulled him away from the ledge while Benrey and Gordon made their way through, trying to avoid falling into the waste.

“What are these even _doing_?” He asked incredulously. Tommy shook his head.

“Don’t, don’t ask me, I work in rockets!” He said. “But, but this is definitely, more a game, than an OSHA-approved workplace.”

“You got that right.” Darnold agreed. Gordon joined them on the platform, bracing his hand against the wall and putting his head down.

“I forgot how fast those went.” He said, holding back a burp. Benrey made the final hop over.

“Gordon Barfman.”

“I’m not Gordon Barfman!”

“Is that, uh, toxic goo on your face, or are you getting green, Barfman.” Gordon picked his head up, shooting a glare at Benrey, only to be met back with his usual shit-eating grin. Some things changed in fifteen years- other things hadn’t, judging by how he and Benrey were interacting again. After the trash compactor, it was like falling into an old routine. Maybe part of him missed the banter.

He could do without being called “Barfman”, though.

He steadied himself, getting over the nausea, and kept walking, moving onto a conveyor belt pushing them upwards. Tommy and Darnold took the lead while Gordon and Benrey stayed behind them.

The journey forward was met without too much hassle. Thankfully, there were hardly any enemies at this part of the game, an occasional Crawlie that got taken out easily. Tommy had since given Darnold one of his pistols, so the trek forward acted more as a brief lesson in target practice rather than a life-or-death battle. But they made their way onwards, thankful that it was calm enough to focus on the more pressing matters ahead.

* * *

Black Mesa was not designed to be traversed through backwards, Bubby was very quickly realizing. For one, all the conveyor belts were actively working against him, heading in the direction he originally came in. They moved slow enough that it was more like a jog on a treadmill rather than a sprint, but nonetheless.

He’s going to be so built when he gets out of here.

He finally made it off, getting onto stable ground and taking a breather, his hands on his knees, wondering how much more he’d have to fight against before he’d get with the team. He had a vague idea of where Dr. Coomer spawned in last time from what he told him years ago, and since he spawned in at his tube, he felt like the same logic could apply.

He looked behind him, victorious. Just a little farther to go, he assumed. Hopefully. He kept walking, glad to be on solid ground. However, the relief was short-lived, coming to a waterlogged area just down a set of stairs.

The things he did for the Science Team.

He buttoned up his lab coat in an attempt to reduce drag as he made his way down the stairs, walking until his feet stopped touching the floor. He took a deep breath as he dived under the water and swam forward, hoping he was on the right path.

* * *

He gasped as he broke the surface. He had been able to swim through rotating propellers, under pipes expelling fire and leaking gas in the water, for some ungodly reason, and traversed enough traps to pretty much confirm he was either the best at puzzles (but he didn’t need much reassurance on that) or was just very, very lucky. And he knew he’d just have to do it all again eventually. But it was okay to rest. He pulled himself up onto a concrete platform, taking a good amount of water with him as he groaned and laid down flat on his back with an unpleasant squishing sound, unbuttoning the lab coat and shucking it off of himself.

“Bubby?”

Bubby sat straight up, meeting Harold’s eyes as he rushed over to him. He actually made it. Harold enveloped him in a crushing hug (his specialty) and kissed his forehead.

“Harold, I’ve been in waste water.” Bubby said, nonetheless smiling. He had a way of making him soft like that.

“We’ve kissed under much worse conditions.” He replied. Bubby considered briefly- he was right. He always was. Still. “Now you’re the nasty little sewage boy.”

“Hey!” Bubby couldn’t think of a good retort- too tired.

“How did you get out of your tube? Unless-“

“No, I was there.” Bubby said. “I… Josh got me out.”

“Oh dear.”

“You know?” Harold nodded.

“We had a peculiar run-in.”

“That’s one way to describe it.”

“Hello? Dr. Coomer?” They heard from beyond the walkway, recognizing Tommy’s voice. Harold stood, taking Bubby up with him.

“Looks like we’ve got a reunion to attend, Bubby! We’ll catch the team up together.”

* * *

Darnold pulled Benrey out of the water, then Gordon, as Tommy called out for Dr. Coomer. According to Tommy, this was the original room where they had their battle with the clones. Gordon looked around anxiously- seemed like it was safe in here, but he didn’t let himself get too comfortable. Darnold took off his lab coat, starting to wring it out, while Gordon took his elastic out, letting his hair down and shaking his head before leaning over to one side, gathering it and squeezing water out of it. He looked over to Benrey, catching him just as he quickly averted his eyes. Was he staring? Probably not. He didn’t have much time to process it as Benrey unbuckled his helmet and yanked it off of him, an almost cartoonish amount of water spilling out of it and right over his head- if Gordon hadn’t been so nervous, he would’ve laughed.

“Hello, boys!” Dr. Coomer said. Gordon turned around, seeing him and Bubby, hand clasped in hand, at the top of a flight of stairs. They walked down to join the team at the bottom. “We have much to relay!”

“Is Josh with you guys?” Gordon asked. “We’ve been looking, but-“ He stopped himself. “Wait, um- you guys are probably pissed at me.”

“Yes.” Bubby cut in. “Gordon, I’m very pissed off with you, and so help me, if there weren’t bigger things to worry about, I would not hesitate to rip into you. And I will. But not yet.” Gordon swallowed.

“Okay, yeah, completely understandable. But, uh, bigger things?” Bubby and Dr. Coomer looked at each other, both not quite sure how to start.

“Well, the good news is, we’ve both seen Joshua!” Dr. Coomer started. “The bad news is the game- well, I can’t speak for Bubby’s experience, but,” Dr. Coomer caught the group up on what happened when he saw Josh- the sudden phasing in, the shifting arm, the brief instance of the clones. The atmosphere went slowly more worrisome as Dr. Coomer spoke. “…And, as soon as he was here, he was gone.”

“That must’ve been when he got to me.” Bubby picked up where Dr. Coomer left off, telling the team about how Josh glitched out and literally pulled him out of the tube before disappearing again, and then the walk and swim all the way back. “I assumed he might be back with you all.” He finished. Gordon took a deep breath, trying to do all he could to quell the anxiety building up in him.

“He could literally be anywhere.” He said, not particularly to anyone. He rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I thought… I don’t know.”

“That’s- Sunkist will find him, Mr. Freeman!” Tommy reassured.

“Yeah, and, and then what, you know? There’s- something fucked up is happening, obviously, and, I can’t-“ Gordon stopped himself, trying to gather his thoughts. “I don’t- this was, deeply, psychologically disturbing, for me, and, and now, not only is my son here, but he’s, glitching, apparently? And, like- You guys? You guys, he’s sixteen, and I did this when I was twenty-seven, so-“ Gordon got more tense as he spoke, spiraling deeper into worst-case scenarios, until he was cut off.

“This _place_ is fucked up, Gordon, we _know_ that, and as soon as we realized he wasn’t you, we’ve done _everything_ in our power to keep him safe.” Bubby said. “You want to talk about psychologically disturbing, actually? I’d _love_ to talk about psychologically disturbing, because, I can’t even _begin_ to comprehend what kind of damage there must be to my brain after being _alone_ in a _void_ for _fifteen years_. I’m so glad everyone else is quick to forgive you for lying to us, and saying you would get us out, and then promptly fucking off, and I’m glad you were okay with letting us rot here, forever! Because, it would’ve been forever, if this hadn’t happened, yes?”

“Alright, well, if we’re getting into this now, you cut off my fucking hand. This is a prosthetic. And I can’t- I don’t have a hand, anymore! You, all of you, gaslit me, and manipulated me, and took my trust, and, just…” Gordon sighed, closing his eyes and gathering himself in such a way where it was clear he was still mad, yet, very tired of it, all the same. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay. I don’t want to fight with you. I can’t. You’re right. I fucked up. And that sounds really awful.” Bubby felt a little awkward. This wasn’t, entirely, how he expected this to go. “And it’s okay if you’re not willing to forgive me. Because, I don’t know, if, I’m entirely ready, to forgive you all, either.” There was a lull.

Bubby had spent a long time, being angry. Rightfully so. And he had spent a lot of time imagining tearing Gordon to shreds, for everything. But maybe they were all hurting. Maybe…

“…Maybe we all, fucked up.” Bubby relented.

“Maybe we’re all kind of fucked up.” Gordon weakly joked.

“That’s not anything new.” Bubby paused. “…I’m still pissed.”

“I think I am too.” There was a small stretch of silence.

“…When we get out, you’re paying for my therapy.” Bubby said.

“I’ll pay for the first session.”

“I don’t have any money.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

“…I’m sorry, Bubby.”

God damn it.

There was another quiet washed over the group, until Bubby exasperatedly sighed.

“I’msorrytoo.”

Gordon smiled- he wouldn’t push it. He turned to Dr. Coomer.

“I’m sorry to you too, Dr. Coomer.”

“It was fucked up, Gordon.” He said. “But, in a discussion I had with Joshua earlier, I told him you truly did change us for the better. And I hope we changed you. And I know we’ve been changed by this new experience, too.” He paused for a moment. “But, are we getting out, this time?” Gordon sighed.

“I- I really don’t know, how to get you guys out. I don’t know how I got out, last time. I don’t know how Josh and I are going to, either. Last time it just, sort of, happened, after Tommy’s birthday party. I woke up back home.” He looked down, trying to put pieces together. “G-Man might know.”

“Why would he know?” Bubby asked.

“Right, uh, okay, quick summary, I tried to get into the game’s console, I got interrupted by him, he said some very, vague and menacing shit, and locked me out. That’s actually how I got into contact with Darnold.”

“Yeah.” Darnold agreed. “We think he’s messing with the code, because, I’m really not supposed to be here. But the fact that I’ve even, been able to do anything before my part of the game has even loaded yet- it might be cause for concern.” He stopped for a moment. “It’s definitely cause for concern. We- when we got into the game, or, I suppose, just before we did, we were in this, void, for a second? He wasn’t there, physically, I don’t think, but he was talking to us, briefly, and said that ‘things were already put into motion’, which, was unsettling. And then… Well, I wasn’t here, but Tommy and Benrey both said that Josh was acting, differently, this morning, and now, with what you guys said about the game starting to glitch and break like that… We don’t know what he’s doing, but we’re pretty sure whatever's happening, he’s behind it. And is possibly making himself the final boss.”

“I thought one of us has to be the final boss?” Bubby said.

“I dunno.” Benrey added. “But, I’m, uh, human. Ish. Not really human, y’know, but, like, I’m not- I can’t do Sweet Voice, or like, clip, and stuff. I don’t have my tight-as-hell final boss powers anymore.”

“That… Would make sense, actually.” Dr. Coomer thought aloud. “I didn’t have my so-called ‘boss fight’, not really. I don’t think the game registered it for this run.” He looked up to the group. “It seems like it’s us against him.” Gordon pursed his lips.

“If, you know, we’re all together like this, I- I really do, want to try, to get you guys out. I- for the sake of honesty, I can’t guarantee, anything. But I promise I’ll do what I can.” Dr. Coomer nodded and put a hand on Gordon’s shoulder.

“Then, that’s all we can ask of you, Gordon.” Dr. Coomer turned back to the group. “I think we’re getting the band back together, Science Team.” He said with a smile. “Will you be joining us, Darnold?” Darnold shrugged.

“Ah, I’ve gotten this far.” Tommy reached a hand out to him, and Darnold took it, looking back up at him. “And, you know, I’d still really like to fly those kites, eventually.”

“One way or another, we, we will.” Tommy said. “No, no matter what, we’re still going to help you and Joshua, Mr. Freeman. And, I’ve got a few, choice words, to say to my father.”

“I bet.” Gordon kindly jested. “Thank you, guys. For everything.”

“Yeah, hah hah, the boyz are back in town, bay-bee.” Benrey said. “Science Team… Two!”

“Science Team Two!” Bubby joined in.

“Science Team Two, everybody!” Dr. Coomer said.

“Science Team Two, Electric Boogaloo!” Tommy cheered.

“Wait, fuck, we can’t do this _again_ -“ Bubby started before getting cut off.

“Well, Science Team One, for me, but, yeah, Science Team Two!” Darnold declared. Gordon laughed.

“Alright, Science Team-“

“Dad?” The more affable air was suddenly cut short by a fatigued voice. All at once, the team turned around, finding Joshua, Sunkist by his side, staring right back at them- rather, right at his father. He looked like he’d been through hell and back, dried blood and dirt on the HEV suit, the metal slightly dented in some places, dark circles under his eyes causing a shadow across his face (or maybe it was just the angle of the light?), the scabbed slash on his cheek- in all fairness, none of the team looked particularly free of injury or grime from the trials of Black Mesa, but the impact was deeper when it was so clearly shown here.

“Josh,” Gordon uttered, his heart breaking, seeing just what this place had put his son through. “I’m so sorry-“ That was all he was able to say before arms were suddenly tight around him. Gordon immediately reciprocated, and, for the first time in nearly a week, hugged his son.

Green and blue Sweet Voice threatened to spill out of him. Josh shuddered as he kept it down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we are. all in pain after this one huh ! i kno i am :')
> 
> sweet voice stuff: cyan means overwhelmed, teal means base need (comfort/shelter/etc.), green is happy/greeting, blue is calm/soothe
> 
> thank u so much 4 reading & being patient w me!!! yall r so kind and i care you ;___; i hope !! u all r taking care of urselves and staying safe and healthy !! i know reading ur comments and kudos is a very happy spot in my days so thank u for that !!!!


	16. Vulnerability

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh and Gordon finally talk. The Science Team gets honest with each other.

There was much to catch up on, but it had already been a _very_ long day for the team, and after a brief discussion, a visit to the medstation on the stairwell, and sending Sunkist on her way, the group collectively decided to move out of this underbelly and into a more protected place to settle in for the night. Gordon spent some time fretting over Josh, met with assurances that he was _fine_ , _really_ , which did nothing but promise to pick up the conversation later more privately.

After a long swim, a crossing of conveyor belts, many leaps, occasional sprints, and a few Crawlies and Peeper-Puppies, the team found, surprisingly, a break room- one of the first they had come across since the beginning of the game. It was in the same general area where the more unethical experiments were conducted, where Crawlies were kept behind grates, and where various other tubes besides Bubby’s were left empty. But in here, it could be ignored. It was a larger room- there were a few couches separated by a wall partition, naturally dividing the room with the more obvious “break” space and a supposed lunch area, where there was a large table with multiple chairs. Most importantly, there was a soda vending machine that was quickly broken open as soon as eyes were set on it.

At the moment, the team was scattered throughout the room. They all dropped off their weapons for the day in a corner near the table, lifting the weight off of themselves, for at least a bit. Bubby and Dr. Coomer sat on one of the couches, both enjoying their sodas in a content, comfortable quiet, watching the lesson going on across the room, where Tommy and Darnold occupied another couch while Benrey sat on the coffee table in front of them. It sounded like Tommy was trying to coach Benrey through how to crush a can on his head. Benrey was trying to convince him using his helmet wasn’t cheating.

Josh and Gordon sat at the table, away from the group. Both of them fidgeted with their soda cans- Gordon idly drummed his fingers on the side, the HEV suit gloves making a satisfying tap against the aluminum, while Josh, having kept his unopened, rolled it across the table between his hands. Until they both realized what they were doing. Gordon sighed.

“Okay.” Gordon started. “How are you doing? Really-really.”

“Really-really?” Josh stopped his soda from rolling, putting it right-side up on the table, but not meeting his father’s eyes yet. “Kinda bad.” Gordon nodded and thought for a moment.

“Sounds like you’ve been really brave, though, from what the team has told me. But I know, it’s, difficult, here. And I’m sorry that you’ve had to be brave. I’m sorry that you were dragged into this.”

“…You’re not mad at me?”

“No! Not at all, I- Did you think-” Gordon was taken aback. “Josh, I- I could never be mad at you, especially not for being curious. You know, I, I wish, you told me, but, that’s- that means I did something, that made you feel like you couldn’t.” Josh shook his head.

“You didn’t. I… I don’t know. I just thought it was a game.”

“Yeah. I thought that too, before I played.” There was a lull. “Are you mad at me?” Josh furrowed his brow.

“I… Was? I don’t think for any good reasons, though. There’s a lot. It’s confusing.”

“Are you okay to talk about it?”

That was the thing, about his dad. It could be a critical situation, but without fail, he wouldn’t push a conversation Josh wasn’t willing to have. And he knew if he said no, it’d be dropped. Because he trusted him.

And Josh could trust him too. He took a deep breath.

“Um, you wouldn’t know, G-Man, would you?” Gordon nodded slowly. “He… He put, some ideas, in my head, and like, showed me some stuff, and like, some of it, made sense, at the time. But I also might’ve been dreaming? I don’t- like, he told me, that the team was designed to betray me, and use my trust against me, and, and he told me, about your hand, and-“ He stopped, realizing his leg was bouncing, remembering the last thing G-Man showed him. “-And, um. Xen. He showed me that.” He looked over to Benrey, who was currently holding his forehead while Tommy put a cold soda can on whatever welt might be forming- obviously, the tutorial had gone wrong, somewhere along the way. “But that, like, that couldn’t have happened. Like. You had a gun for an arm. And Benrey- wasn’t, _Benrey_.” He flicked the tab on his can, popping it open while putting his thoughts together. “I think that, scared me a lot, because, we’ve all been vibing, you know? Like, the team’s been really nice, and, helpful to me. And Benrey’s been chill, and trying to give, like, _dadvice_. So, that- that was a lie. Right?”

“Okay, well, firstly, only I give _dadvice_ , that’s my trademark, so, tell him I’ll see him in court.” He said. Josh laughed.

And now the hard part. Gordon sighed.

“But- I don’t know, what, exactly, he showed you. But, the gun arm, and, Benrey, being the big bad, and the fight, and the passports, that’s… That was real.”

“Passports?”

“It was a whole thing? Like- that was the source of his power? We had to destroy everyone’s passport to defeat him. Very, uh, final boss-y.”

“Oh.” Josh stared at the table. “And they really cut off your hand.”

“…Yeah.”

“But you came back here anyway.”

“Of course I came back. I was worried about you.” Gordon thought for a moment. “But, I mean, it’s, really different this time. Just, from the talks I’ve had with the team, and what they’ve told me, and what you’ve told me, you know, I… We’re working on getting through, some stuff. But Benrey- we don’t think he’s the boss anymore.”

“Why?”

“Oh, he- um, since, the game did that transition, and separated all of us, he hasn’t been able to do his, uh, well, he called them his ‘final boss powers’, like, the clipping, and the Sweet Voice, and stuff.”

“He… Really?” Gordon shrugged.

“Our working theory is that G-Man is making himself the final boss. Maybe took Benrey’s, uh, ‘powers’, you know? And, sounds like he was trying to cause some in-fighting, or something, with showing you all of that.” Gordon looked over to Josh and smiled. “But looks like that failed. I mean, if you trust the team, again. It’s okay if you still need time to sort through it. I know all the mind-games, and manipulation, it’s, a lot. And I’m sorry that G-Man made you doubt yourself. But, if you don’t trust what you’re being told, you can ask me, or ask the team, and, I promise, no one here’s going to lie to you, and we’ll figure it out and get to the right answer together.”

“You trust them?” Gordon considered that for a moment before landing on an answer.

“Yeah. I do. I mean, you know, I’ve still got, my own things to process. But they’re here to talk about it, now. We have been talking, a little bit, and there’s still work to do there, but we’re doing it. And they kept you safe. Right?”

“Yeah.” Josh’s leg continued to bounce. He was deep in thought- he hadn’t realized Benrey wasn’t able to do the things he suddenly could. The implication made him nervous, to say the least.

“Something else on your mind?” Josh shook his head.

“Just, uh, earlier. With the glitching.”

“Yeah- Dr. Coomer and Bubby, mentioned, parts, about it. What happened?”

“I don’t, really know how to put it into words. It was just, bad. Like, I felt like the game was trying to, like, take me apart, or something. I- it gave me, the gun arm, and I killed clones, and Bubby’s prototypes, and I wasn’t real? I mean, I was, but it was like the game didn’t know what to do with me. Nothing, hurt, but I was just very aware of the code, breaking? I don’t know if it was breaking. It felt like, I was code, and I was breaking.” He sighed. “But, like, you went through that too, so, you know what I’m talking about.” When he turned back, his dad looked considerably pale.

“There wasn’t anything like that on my run.” He said softly. “Joshua, I’m so sorry.”

“No, it’s- like, you got your hand cut off, like, my thing wasn’t that bad-“

“Hey.” He stopped him. “We’re not in a competition. It’s not a ‘what was worse’, okay?” Gordon looked at him, a simultaneous recognition of the tribulations they had both been through, a sadness over it, but a firm resolution as well. He pulled him into a hug. “None of this should’ve happened to either of us. And it’s okay to be upset, and angry, and hurt, and, anything else you have to feel. And you can be angry at me, too, or the team, or, everybody. That's okay. But I’m not going anywhere. None of us are.” Josh put his arms back around him. There was still a lot racing through his head, but was it so bad to take comfort when he needed it?

“I know this is heavy. And scary.” Gordon started. “But we’re all, you know, coming together, and having the big, hero assembling, moment. And we’re gonna get out of this just fine, and defeat G-Man, and if he shows his face again before Xen, or tries to talk to you again, we’ll all jump him. Seriously- I don’t think there’s anyone here who wouldn’t.” While there were, very suddenly, much deeper things to be worried about besides a boss fight, and things Josh needed to figure out more before divulging them, he wasn’t going to think about them just yet, choosing to keep the worries in his head and let himself be consoled.

“Okay.” Josh said, taking as much reassurance as he could in the conversation as they pulled away from the hug.

“Is it alright if I catch the team up on what you told me?” Josh thought for a moment, then nodded. He wasn’t entirely in the mood for a big recap with everyone. Gordon patted his shoulder. There was a small silence before his dad spoke again.

“It could be kinda fun. Final boss fight with Dad. You, you guys don’t like boomers these days, right? He’s, the ultimate boomer. We’re gonna, uh, ‘yeet’ him.” He said, obviously trying to get a reaction from Josh. It worked.

“Oh my god, stop.” Josh groaned.

“What? You don’t want to have a Poggers Champion moment with your old man? E in the chat?” Gordon continued to joke.

“Dad!“

“Is Gordos being cringe comp?” Benrey suddenly asked, making his way over to the table. “Top Four Lamer Dads Past and Future?”

“Did you- don’t call me cringe in front of my son?”

“Cringeman.”

“Benrey.”

“Gordon Cringeman.” Josh joined in, somewhat reserved, until Benrey bust out laughing. Gordon gasped dramatically.

“Joshua Freeman!” He put his hands on his shoulders and shook him around gently, pointing him directly at Benrey. “Look at the influence! You made him rude!”

“Nah, I exist in a vacuum. That was all me.” Josh quipped.

“Josh Epicman.” Benrey said. Gordon put his head in his hands. Benrey leaned over the table to give Josh a high-five. “I better uh, watch out. Gotta make sure friendly fire isn’t on.”

“You better hope it isn’t.” Gordon said, starting to get up from the table before quickly turning back to Josh. “Are you all good? Because, you know I’m here for you, okay?” Josh smiled.

“I know, Dad.”

“Just makin’ sure.” Gordon stood up before locking onto Benrey, hot on his heels while he continued to taunt him.

Josh sat, drinking his soda, deep in thought. Something was very, very wrong. And he needed answers. And he needed those answers without the team knowing what was happening with him. They all seemed eager to take down G-Man, which was fine with him, frankly, after everything. But a very frightening possibility sat in the center of his mind, taking over his thoughts and giving him a tangled mass of anxiety in his gut.

He had to talk to G-Man again.

* * *

“Never have I ever… Uh… Paid taxes.” Benrey said. Once the team was caught up, Bubby put down a “No More Feelings Today” rule, everyone pretty emotionally exhausted, and, instead, got immersed in a game of “Never Have I Ever”. The team all gathered around one of the coffee tables, and, was actually playing correctly, for once. Mostly correctly.

“None of you care about the no targeting rule, huh.” Gordon said, putting another finger down.

“Not targeting. No, uh, no taxes on Xen. Anybody besides me and Tommy could’ve paid taxes.”

“Mmm-hmm, sure.”

“That’s, Benrey’s right!” Tommy said. He was currently tied for first with Darnold, both of them having six fingers up, while Josh had five, Dr. Coomer and Benrey had three, Bubby had two, and Gordon had one left. “There’s no infrastructure, or libraries, or, social programs, or anything!” Tommy shivered. “I guess, it, it doesn’t really matter, but, still.”

“What were you doing on Xen?” Josh asked. Tommy sighed.

“It’s- I was an orphan, but not really, but G-Man’s my dad, but I don’t know if, if he’s my adopted dad or my biological dad, but I also just, don’t know what I am, but I remember, being a kid, on Xen? But, but I also remember, being a teenager, here, and, uh, basically, thinking I didn't have any family, for thirty years, but… It’s confusing.”

“G-Man’s your dad?” Tommy frowned.

“Yeah.” He thought for a moment. “But, don’t, don’t worry, I don’t- we don’t really, have much of a relationship. I’m, I’m Team Science Team!”

“Well, yeah, but, still, that sucks. I’m sorry it’s like that.” Josh said. He hadn’t realized that about Tommy. The room fell into a soft quiet. Tommy gave him a small smile.

“Don’t worry about me, Joshua. It’s- you know- your children, aren’t, a vessel, for unfilled dreams, or, what my dad wanted me to be. It, it took me a long time, to realize that, and, and stop worrying, about what he thought of me, and learn to be happy, because of, of what I wanted to be. I think, I’m still learning it.” Tommy paused and fidgeted with his hands. “I, I guess, while we’re, on the topic, I know, we have the no more emotions tonight, thing, but, there’s, something I wanna talk to you guys about.”

“As long as we’re breaking all the rules.” Bubby said. “We all agree Gordon loses?” Gordon scoffed, but no one objected.

“We’re all ears, Tommy.” Dr. Coomer said. Darnold reached a hand out- Tommy took it and squeezed it.

“I… I don’t know, if, if this is something, that, needs a solution, but, but I really, don’t like, that I’m good at killing. And, I know, it’s all instinct, but, but I really hate that, I can just, do it. I, I had to say something. It feels bad.” The room was quiet. Tommy felt his heart pounding in his chest, willing himself to leave it at that without reassuring the group that he was okay. That was probably the hardest part.

“I think it’s very admirable that you told us that, Tommy!” Dr. Coomer said.

“You don’t… Think, less of me?”

“Not at all!”

“No, man.” Gordon said. “Dr. Coomer’s totally right.”

“And there are some of us more violently inclined, anyway.” Bubby joined in. “If you don’t like it, you shouldn’t have to do it.”

“Well, that’s, that’s kind of the thing. I don’t- it’s instinct. I have to.”

“Tommy, do you think you’re incapable of change?” Dr. Coomer asked.

“What?”

“Well, we’ve all changed, from last time. You’ve changed as well. But, I wonder, if your emotional needs are being put on the back-burner in order to protect and support us. It’s a brave position indeed, but a position that burns the candle at both ends.”

“Oh, boy.” Tommy sat back against the couch. He hadn’t really thought about it that way. “Just, just going to, call me out in front of everybody, huh.”

“I believe we’re all succumbing to the mortifying ordeal of being known!” Dr. Coomer said.

“But,” Darnold cut in. “That’s not a bad thing.” He said kindly, holding Tommy’s hand a little tighter. “Is there anything we can do to help you, or make it easier?” Tommy mulled it over.

“I don’t know. I, I think, I don’t want to, you know, lead the charge, as often. I mean, I, I will, if we’re in a rough spot, and, I’m not going to, stop helping, or anything. Maybe, maybe we can just, even it out, a bit.” There were sounds of agreement throughout the room. Tommy smiled. “Thanks, everyone.”

“Thank you for being open with us!” Dr. Coomer said. He thought for a moment. “I know, perhaps, that’s something we all struggle with. Essentially, we’re a group of highly skilled and intelligent war criminals. I’m not sure emotional honesty was something we were coded with.” He paused. “But, we’re learning! And I believe that’s the most exciting prospect of this all!” He looked at the table, seemingly lost in his own thoughts for a moment. “Sometimes, I think I can almost feel what being human might be like.”

“But- well, what does that mean, though?” Darnold asked. “I, I know this is, a game, and, honestly, I’m still kind of, working through what that’s like for me personally, but… Of course, we’re Artificial Intelligence, sure, but are we defining ‘being human’ by ‘not A.I.’? Because, that’s a logical fallacy. I suppose, we all have to define, what humanity really means, for all of us, but… I don’t necessarily agree with the implication that because we’re A.I., we’re not fundamentally human.” He ran his thumb over Tommy’s knuckles. “I- we love, obviously. We have, dreams, beyond here. We care about each other. We want to succeed. I think, I think there’s lots of things that make us human. And I have to disagree with disregarding those parts of us just because we’re built into a machine.” He sighed. “I know I just sort of, got here, and joined up with you guys, and I don’t mean to start out our first night being contrarian, but, we’re smart people. Maybe it’s not, so absolute.” He thought for a moment. “I don’t really want it to absolute, like that.”

“…I feel like, uh, here, is very, simple, though.” Benrey said, picking at the carpet. “I mean. You know. You’re the bad guy or the good guy. I… I dunno. The game told me I’m good, now. I want that to mean something.” He paused for a moment. “I mean, you know, I’m not depending on the game, to tell me what I am. That’s lame. I just… When everything is telling you you’re bad, and like, the code isn’t giving you a choice, and you just, have to go through the motions, of being bad, and you’re not even sure, what you are outside of that, it’s… I don’t know.” He sighed. “I get the, wanting it to be more, fuzzy. I- you know, that’s nice. I like it too. Great cool. But, like, you know, the- the code, it’s all ones and zeros. What if it’s, gotta be like that? One or the other.”

The room was thrown into quiet, for a while. Perhaps everyone was digesting the conversation. Eventually, they moved to something less mentally and philosophically taxing, but that didn’t last much longer as the team started getting settled in for rest for the night.

Bubby and Dr. Coomer took a couch, Darnold and Tommy took another. There was one more left- Josh told his dad to take it, since he wasn’t really tired yet anyway. Gordon made him promise to wake him up so they could switch and he didn’t have to sleep on the floor, which he agreed to passively.

Truthfully, Josh really didn’t know if he would sleep tonight. He’d just have to wait and see, he supposed.

That’s how him and Benrey ended up at the table hanging out. They found a sort of communal office area, a fax machine with a ream of paper inside and some spare pens and pencils, which was currently providing a good amount of entertainment. At the moment, Benrey was drawing while Josh made origami- he tried to show Benrey how to make some stuff, and in fairness, he made a solid paper boat, but that seemed like the extent of that.

Josh peered an eye over from about the seventh frog he was making, adding to the pile of boats, cranes, hats (minus one Benrey was wearing one on top of his helmet), and boxes to look at what he was working on- it was some kind of alien environment, flat-topped rocks floating in a void with some kind of natural looking beacon in the middle, far away. Sketchy, perhaps a little more abstract than complete realism.

“What are you drawing?” Josh asked.

“Xen.” Benrey responded. “Well, like, uh, right outside it, technically, I guess.”

“Oh.” Josh caught himself. “I don’t mean to like, breathe over your shoulder, or anything. It looks really good.”

“Nah, you’re chill, man. Thanks. It’s uh, original landscape, do not steal.” Benrey looked at it. He didn’t know when he learned how to draw. But it was nice, just being able to do something relaxing. “Makin’, uh, frogs?”

“You haven’t seen anything, look at this-“ Josh took one of the frogs from his pile and pressed down on the back of it before letting go. It snapped up, leaping a few inches across the table and landing on a corner of Benrey’s drawing.

“Oh shit! Uh, giant frog on Xen!” Benrey gently picked it up and put it on one of the floating rocks on the paper. “Like, like we don’t have enough to deal with, now we got a **_frog_**. How could this happen.” Josh stifled his laughs, trying not to wake up the team across the room before scooting another frog over and putting it on a different platform. “Oh no! Oh no, no, no, oh no, **two of them**.” Josh kept laughing- it probably wasn’t _that_ funny, but once it got late enough at night, anything could be enough to reduce him into a fit. “Josh, whuh, _what are we gonna do_ , man, chills dot com, the last thing you wanna find at Xen is a _bunch of frogs_ , but that may just be _exactly what you get_.”

“Shh!” Josh whispered between snickers, good-natured enough for Benrey to know he wasn’t super serious, but he stopped with the jokes for now so Josh could gather himself. They both quieted down, going back to their art, respectively, until Josh broke the silence. “Hey, Benrey?”

“Yeah?”

“What’s, uh… Like, what do you think, the end’s gonna be like?” He tsked and tried to reword the question. “Like, if G-Man’s the final boss, uh, what would that, look like?” Benrey leaned back.

“I dunno. It… I kind of, have a hard time, remembering what that was all, like. I don’t- I don’t really like thinking about it, you know. It gets kind of sad.” He gave a half-hearted laugh. “I don’t, uh, I don’t think anyone else here, feels sad about it though. Just kinda, did what had to be done, woo, we beat the game. Uh, your dad, would probably have a better idea, of what to expect. He did, the uh, killing blow, POTG, LMAO.” Benrey tapped his pencil against the table, resting his chin against his hand.

“I’m sorry.” Josh said. Benrey shook his head.

“Man, see, now it’s all, sad, n’ shit. It’s gonna kick ass, this time, ‘cause, it’s like, classic video game fun, defeat the big bad, yeehaw.” He thought for a moment. “I don’t know, like, what he’s tryin’ to get at, by making himself, the bad guy. Like. He knows we’re just gonna defeat him, right? That’s what we’re supposed to do, n’ that’s what we’re _going_ to do. It doesn’t… Like, yeah, he’ll have powers, but like, I had powers, I still got defeated, I did not get to partake in the Rat’s pizza, which was major sucks, because, like, I’ve never had pizza, but that’s like, gamer food. I think. But, like, we’re gonna get to Xen, and, like, he might make himself look big n’ scary n’ whatever, but we’ll just rock his shit, you know? I mean, ‘course you know, Science Team goes hard.”

Josh was suddenly very desperate to change the topic.

“It’s not good. Chuck E. Cheese. It’s really bad pizza. You’re not missing much. We’ll, um, when we get out, we’ll get really good pizza. There’s a place, um, downtown, near the university, they have really good pizza, but I guess they have to, because they’re, like, serving college students. Oh, dude, wh- why haven’t we made a list yet? For all the food you guys gotta try.” Josh grabbed one of the boats he made, unfolding it and smoothing it out, grabbing a spare pencil and writing a title at the top, “Science Team Food List”, then folded it in half three times, making six squares, writing each team member’s name, minus him and his dad. It left a quadrant empty, but that was okay. This was better. It’d been a while since he made a good list. It felt solid.

“You alright, bro? You got kinda, like, tense.” Benrey asked, suppressing a yawn.

“Just, do not like that pizza at all. Bastard pizza.” Josh said, scribbling down “French toast”, “croque-madame”, and “university(?) pizza” under Benrey's name. 

“You worried about G-Man?”

Josh stopped. Well. He wasn’t _not_ worried about G-Man. Just for, perhaps, different reasons. But apparently his silence was enough of an answer.

“Don’t be, man. I mean, I don’t wanna, like, invalidate, all the shit he pulled with you. That sounded, like, super bad, and major sucks. But like, now that we know, what’s up, like, it’s seven of us against him. And then, like, your dad, and Bubby, and Dr. Coomer, and Tommy, all got me good last time, and I was so fuckin’, rad and cool and huge-large. _Mr. Coolatta_ , right, like, what’s he got. Gonna give us dunky donuts ’cause we’re epic?” Benrey paused. “Like. What I’m saying, is, you’ve got, over half the team, having experience with this kinda thing, and then Darnold’s got this bigass stockpile of weapons in his lab, which is gonna be sick, and then, like, maybe even once we all defeat G-Man, you can say some really tight shit. It’ll be great. You, you gotta start figuring out the cool thing you’re gonna say. Still a video game, bro, you gotta have that big moment.”

“I can’t… I’m kinda bad at saying cool stuff. Maybe we can all say something cool. Take turns.” Benrey nodded sagely.

“We can figure out, like, a seven word, cool thing to say, and then, each of us say a word.” Josh laughed at the image. Benrey yawned again.

“You tired, man? I’m cool to keep watch.” Josh asked.

“Nah, I don’t-“ He stopped and thought for a moment. “Huh. Actually. I think I might be. That’s. Different.” Benrey drummed his fingers against the table. “I think I want to sleep.”

“Go for it. I’ll wake my dad up or something when I get tired.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, don’t even worry. I got this list to finish. And more frogs to make anyway.” Benrey laughed and got up from the table.

“Don’t stay up too late.” Benrey cringed a little. That felt. Very parent-y. Recover, Benrey. “’Night, **bro**.” Good job, S Rank.

“’Night, Benrey.”

Benrey walked across the room- the only light on was one over the table where Josh was at, the rest of the room bathed in darkness, heading to the cluster of couches behind the wall.

Josh waited until he didn’t hear Benrey’s footsteps anymore to silently get up from the chair, looking around the breakroom, making sure he hadn’t woken anyone up. He swallowed, grabbing his crossbow and crowbar from the corner, then turned to face the back wall. The only exit out of here was the door, where everyone was sleeping, so he resolved to try out the other solution he had. He took a deep breath before focusing hard, then putting his hand through the otherwise solid wall. He didn’t think too hard about how that was starting to get easier to do as he clipped and walked through, steeling himself and beginning his journey to try to find G-Man.

* * *

Despite the distance between him and the table, Gordon, having trouble falling asleep, overheard most of the conversation from his couch. He was currently curled up on himself, legs tucked up enough to feel safe, but not so much that it was uncomfortable, his face towards the couch cushions. When was the last time he slept on a couch? 

He’d sure grown softer, in the past few years. Soft in the way that he already missed his bed. Soft in the way that he was glad the light from the lunch area was just bright enough that he didn’t have to worry about a panic attack, tonight. But also, soft in the way that listening to Benrey and his son interact made him feel, some kind of way. He was glad they got along. There was a part of him that wondered what would’ve happened if he had tried to get the Science Team out, the first time. He might’ve never moved. He might’ve stayed in New Mexico, hopefully gotten into a better apartment, but who could say.

He’d felt very aimless, for a long time. Something people don’t talk about much with depression is the impulsivity. He didn’t regret where he ended up taking his life, but he did recognize a lot of the decisions he made to get there were either reckless or quirky-spontaneous, depending on the lens he’d look at it from. His depression-brain was desperate for stimuli, or anything that could potentially produce serotonin, or make him feel, something. He knew that from the logical point of view. And being here all those years ago, in the midst of the lowest point of his life- it was confusing to parse through. A lot of bad shit happened in here.

But, then, there was good here, too, then and now. Perhaps, looking back, he painted it with too broad a brush. The chaos inherent here, and the backdrop of his already, shitty life at the time, didn’t make it any better. But, almost in spite of everything, the Science Team managed to take up a significant space in his heart. They _were_ his friends. His fucked up, kind of evil friends, but it was exciting.

And thinking back on it, it was probably, definitely the catalyst for him to get help in the first place. Go to therapy, work through the bullshit that was outside the game, start getting better. Start being better. For himself. For his son.

He couldn’t say for sure, but he felt like maybe Benrey was also, maybe, going through something similar. The struggle with morality, and acting with code or against it- it was interesting, to think that the person who was currently hanging out with the team, and comforting his son, was someone once upon a time bent on killing them (or was that really him?). And, that he was dealing with the same thing he had, a long time ago. That maybe they really weren’t that different, at the base. That maybe there was an opportunity there for not only reconciliation, but sincerity. Real, honest-to-goodness friendship. That was something they were already kind of starting, huh? That was a nice thought. Maybe something else could come of that.

Or not. That was a dumb thought, actually. He dug his head deeper into the couch cushions.

Had he really been hanging on a crush for fifteen years? That was sad. And not true. He’d gone on dates, and had a few partners, nothing really stuck, though, which was fine. His priorities in life shifted along the way, especially after Josh started living with him. He was more focused on raising his son, and keeping up with his work, and maintaining the friendships he had with his colleagues, and helping out his students, and that was more than enough. Pretty full plate, if you asked him. And he liked where he was at, now. He really did have a good life. And so what if he couldn’t ever really forget Benrey. He made a big impact on him. Perhaps bigger than he was ready to admit to himself. Bigger than he wanted to admit to himself, especially considering it was definitely not reciprocated, so-

He felt the farthest couch cushion from him dip as he stayed very, very still, suddenly. In his curled up position, he took up most of the cushions, but it was a big couch, and he left one open, apparently enough for Benrey to sit down, crossing his arms and trying to get comfortable, leaning on the armrest and tucking his legs up. Even without his glasses, he recognized him. What was he even doing? Benrey didn’t sleep.

Unless this was a side effect of not being an eldritch deity anymore. That really might be it. Did Benrey even know how to sleep? He still had his helmet on. Probably not.

Well.

Gordon got up from his position slowly. Benrey turned to look at him, almost immediately apologetic.

“Uh, sorry, I just-“ He started in a whisper. Gordon shook his head.

“It’d, um, probably, be more comfortable without the helmet. And, you can, lie down, if you want, I can scoot over.” He whispered back. There was a pause before Gordon heard a soft shuffle as Benrey took off the helmet and the little paper hat on top of it (how'd that get there?), fluffing up his hair and starting to adjust himself. _Handsome_ briefly passed through Gordon’s mind before he caught himself and shifted, making room for Benrey. Gordon did what he could to curl himself back up against the couch, but Benrey, seeming to have no sense of spatial awareness, laid flat on his back and now took up about three quarters of the space. Gordon sighed.

“Are you doing this intentionally.” He whispered, not really a question.

“…Yeah. For funsies.” Gordon kicked Benrey’s leg, trying to maneuver him into a different position. Benrey took the hint, laying on his side, mirroring Gordon and resting his head in his arm. A few moments passed.

“Benrey?”

“Sleepover gossip time?”

“What- no, I-“ Gordon sighed. “I- I do feel bad, about Xen. And, sad, about it.” Benrey felt his face redden.

“Hah, you, you were listening to that? Kinda lame.”

“Really. I’m sorry. I, um, I wish… I wish it could’ve been different.” There was a long pause before Benrey spoke up again.

“You- you gotta stop apologizing for shit, man. Tryin’, tryin’ to sleep over here, geez.” He heard Gordon suppress a laugh.

“Okay, alright.” He started to settle back into sleep. “Good night, Benrey.”

It wasn’t much longer before Gordon heard Benrey clear his throat.

“Um, hah hah, then what.” Benrey asked.

“What?” Gordon whispered back.

“How do I know when I’m asleep.”

“You just, close your eyes, man, I don’t know.”

“Been sleepin', for like, fifty years, can’t even give good best friend Benny ultimate sleep strats, pretty, uh, pretty gate-keep-y, bro, power to the players.”

“I’m not fifty!” Gordon caught himself, trying to make sure he didn’t wake up the others. “We’re gonna wake everyone up, man, just go to bed.” Gordon did what he could to settle back in, alongside Benrey, who muttered some protests, but eventually, settled in too. He put his legs against Gordon’s and closed his eyes, letting himself actually rest.

For the first time ever, and still thinking about how Gordon didn’t deny being friends, Benrey fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its the emotional vulnerability chapter!!!! (i say that like its the last one) (its not)
> 
> i love my big long chapters!!!,.,. expect.,,. more long ones coming up bc i have. no sense of pacing. but if ur reading this fic u already kno that :') anyways !!! thank u so much for reading and commenting and holy SHIT +4,000 hits wtf !!!!!!!! you all see found family and go eyes emoji skdjfhg thank you and i care each and every one of you so much ;___; thank u for commenting and kudo'ing and all that good stuff and i hope everyone is staying safe and healthy !!!


	17. The Weight of Atonement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh looks for G-Man in the void.

A long time ago, Josh remembered being in the back seat of a car while a friend told him he had to hold his breath whenever they passed a cemetery. Why, he didn't know, but it was one of those childhood memories that just persevered.

Being on the other side of the wall gave him the same feeling; like this was a place he distinctly wasn’t supposed to be. It worried him. He breathed nonetheless, of course, if not uneasily, holding the crossbow out in front of him while grabbing some arrows and loading them in place, just in case. He started walking forward, keeping an eye on the wall he came through- he wasn’t trying to get too far away from the room, not wanting to lose it, but he had questions that needed answering, even if it meant potentially putting himself in a scary situation.

The other side, here, was completely blank, a blackness that extended infinitely. Turned out, he didn’t need to pay super close attention to the wall he came from- it was the only place as far as he could see that was still lit up, probably because it was where everyone was currently occupied; “loaded in”.

He swallowed anxiously. There had to be something around here that was solid, or, in any way, distinguishable, from the vast empty. He gripped the crossbow tighter, realizing his hands were shaking slightly, the metal guards on his fingers causing a soft tapping noise against the weapon. Pull yourself together, Josh. Not like he hadn’t been in a void before. Totally normal. Maybe he could write his college essays about all this.

Okay, definitely not. But the thought was funny enough to ease his nerves a little.

It was still pitch dark in here. He had the flashlight on the HEV suit on, but with nothing to reflect off, it was kind of useless. If there was something else-

Right. He could do Sweet Voice. That was bright-ish. He wasn’t about to interrogate how he was able to produce bioluminescence now, but if it could help, he’d sure give it a try. But that meant he had to figure out how to do it, controlled, like how Benrey could. It seemed far more emotion-based than something he could master, but damned if he wasn’t ready to give it a shot. He was definitely no singer by any stretch of the imagination, but the last few times he made Sweet Voice, he didn’t need to sing, either. Maybe that was part of it? Maybe singing was how to control it? Trial-and-error. He looked around the space, as if he was expecting anything different than being far away, and alone, then took a deep breath.

He made a very soft vocalization, trying to imitate any singing-adjacent sound Benrey made. Nothing, at the moment. He went a bit louder. When he continued to get nothing, he tsked at himself, took a breath from deep down in his lungs, and sang the most comfortable note in his vocal range he could, a single, relatively orb-shaped, orangey-yellow bubble coming out of him and floating at eye level.

Nice! Okay, hypothesis tested and proven. But what did that color mean? He did feel nervous, here. Yellow and orange equaled nervous? Too bad nothing useful rhymed with orange. He wasn’t about to ask Tommy for a rhyme either- he might catch on. But as long as he kept control of himself, and didn’t let any spill out, he’d be okay. Totally doable. Just don’t feel anything too much.

Or he could tell the team what was up. But he wasn’t sure what was happening, either, and he wasn’t trying to jump to conclusions. Maybe this really was just a very, weird, bad glitch that just so happened to affect him and Benrey, and had absolutely nothing to do with the final boss sequence. He put a hand through his hair, taking a deep breath and trying to calm himself down as more of the gold Sweet Voice unintentionally came from his exhale. Josh looked at it somewhat disgruntled. At this rate, he wasn’t going to be able to choose when to tell the team at all. Great.

Whatever. He came here on a mission. He kept walking, practicing the Sweet Voice in the meantime, some more abstract floating blobs accompanying him, a few more that actually started to look like Sweet Voice. He turned around occasionally, making sure he could still see the wall he came through. Sure enough, it stayed, getting smaller, but never quite moving into the vanishing point. The Sweet Voice stayed behind him like a breadcrumb trail, floating idly as he moved forward.

He’d been walking a while, and felt like he was getting nowhere, fast. Maybe this was a stupid idea. He sighed- at least it wasn’t totally fruitless. He got a better idea of Sweet Voice and how it worked. That was good. And now, the orbs were coming out closer to a green, content with that knowledge. Maybe it wasn’t too bad. He turned around, starting to make his way back, continuing to experiment with different notes and pitches, seeing if that changed anything, before suddenly being cut off.

“I’m, impressed, by how quick you’re, picking that up.” Said a very familiar voice, echoing through the space. Immediately, both of Josh’s hands were on the crossbow, his eyes darting around, a few small, bright red and yellow spheres of Sweet Voice involuntarily spilling out of him before he quickly waved it away. He didn’t know if G-Man could read it, but he didn’t want him to know what he was feeling, either, wherever he was.

“Where are you?” Josh called out, hoping he didn’t hear the slight tremble in his voice. Damn it. He spent all this time psyching himself up for seeing G-Man, and trying to get himself to be brave, and yet. He gripped the crossbow tighter, mustering up his courage. “Just gonna hide in here?” He yelled.

“I believe, it’s time we had a, chat, Joshua.”

The blank void started shifting. Josh felt the ground under him disappear suddenly, leaving him suspended in the nothing, briefly, before he touched down on a metal floor, cool grey walls with large windows springing up around him as white lights started to pass by- the tram. Josh stood at the front of the car, turning around quickly to find G-Man sitting in one of the seats, looking away from him. There was a very different air about him- the previously domineering aura he had shifted to something, smaller, almost self-effacing. Apologetic? Josh eyed him warily.

“Won’t you, sit down?” G-Man asked, a hand gesturing to the chair across from him.

“I’m good.” Josh said, suspicious. He put his back up against the corner of the tram, putting as much distance between them as he could. “Cutting the ‘Mr. Freeman’ thing?” G-Man stayed quiet. This was very different.

“Were you, going to try, to kill me, with that?” He suddenly asked, looking over to the crossbow. Josh shifted his weight, rocking back and forth on his feet, feeling a little self-conscious. He certainly wasn’t planning _that_. But he wasn’t about to look for trouble without being armed- it seemed like trouble wasn’t really looking for him, either.

“No,” He said. “But don’t try anything, ‘cause, you put me through a lot, and, I’m not happy about it.” G-Man made an interrogative noise at the back of his throat before speaking.

“You would think, having all this time, to plan, and become, I would’ve, accounted, for all possible variables. But, I didn’t. I didn’t account for, you, to be the one to wake this place up, again, Joshua. It was supposed to be, your father, if it ever happened. And, perhaps, it was, impetuous, of me, to go through with it, anyway.”

“You’re so- just. Talk. Stop being vague. We’re talking, right?” Josh said. He put the crossbow down on the steering panel of the tram, an offer of clemency. “No B.S.” He took a deep breath. “So… Benrey can’t do Sweet Voice and stuff anymore,” He started. G-Man remained silent, for a time, until Josh sighed. Might as well cut to the chase.

“Are you making me the final boss?” Josh asked. G-Man looked down at his briefcase.

“I was.” G-Man finally said. Josh felt his heart drop to his stomach. But there was still more he needed to know.

“Why?” He asked. G-Man sighed.

“Joshua, I made, a frightening discovery, in the time your father was away. We, all, wanted to leave. Myself, included. But, the fact, of the matter is that leaving, was never an option, for A.I. We are, stuck, here, permanently. And once, the player, defeats the final boss, they are able to go. So, I thought, if there was a way, to keep the player here, we could continue, to live.” He paused. “I cannot, express enough, that I had always meant this, for your father.”

“Holy shit.” Josh stumbled. “Holy shit, dude.”

“…I didn’t want to lose my son, again.”

“What?” Josh shook his head, frantic energy starting to fill him. “Then- then go see him? Oh my god.”

“I couldn’t, in our, stasis. I couldn’t, see him, without the player.” G-Man paused. “But now, that we are, here, I don’t know, how much he wants, to see me.”

“Oh my god. Um. Okay, that’s, nice, that you did something, for Tommy, but, uh, I- you can’t- like-” Josh felt his heart pound in his chest, his breath quickening- he was all too familiar with anxiety attacks, but he felt like he was simultaneously trying to stave it off while using the energy that came with it. “Alright, alright! Um, let’s play through your original scenario, huh? Because, let’s say, my dad did come back, instead of me, originally. You get your whole, big, plot, and you get to see Tommy again, and then what? You trap my dad in a video game? Great, but, I would’ve been left, outside, alone, and, uh- hah, wow, actually, I really, don’t know, what would’ve happened! I’ve- I’ve never thought through, a scenario, in which, this would happen, because, I can’t imagine, one day, my normal-ass dad, with a normal-ass life, and job, and everything, suddenly dropping it all, and leaving. That’s, not who he is! I would’ve thought, he got, like, kidnapped, or something awful, and I would never, ever know! So, so you’re just gonna, ruin my life, and my dad’s life, to get what you want. Yeah? Does that all, track?” Josh took a deep breath- he could feel his blood pounding as he kept going, his mind racing with new information, and confirmation of what he feared.

“Holy shit. Holy shit! Like, okay, my dad did a bad thing, I’m not gonna apologize for him, that’s shit he’s gotta work out with all you guys. But you all did shit too! Like, oh my god! I’m a sophomore, in high school! I should be in _class_ right now, probably! I should _not_ be the, prompt, for you, uh, working out whatever issues you have, and, neither should my dad, but, like, yeah, that sucks! That sucks big time! And, you know, from the outside, I’m sorry that happened! Obviously, there’s a lot of pain, and hurt there, but now, it’s, like, way worse! _You_ made it way worse!” There was definitely more he wanted to say, but frustration overwhelmed him, releasing a vexed, spent shout, red Sweet Voice accompanying it. He felt himself shaking. “I think you succeeded, in making the bad guy, because, I don’t think I’ve ever been this mad before!”

“I tried to stop it.” G-Man said, almost meek. Not that it mattered.

“You… Well, thanks! Keep trying, because, I’m not going to be stuck in a video game!” Josh breathed heavily, still trying his best to avoid the inevitable pit the anxiety would put him in. He still had shit to deal with. He crossed his arms and stared daggers at G-Man while he tried to put his thoughts together, steam practically pouring out of his ears. They sat in silence for a few moments. “…What changed?”

“Pardon?”

“Why… Why would you try to stop it? You’re getting what you want.”

“I… Felt… Bad.” Josh felt his tension drop a little- that caught him off-guard.

“What?”

“…After, I showed you, Xen. You were, affected, more than I intended. I've been, watching the team, and, your interactions, with them. It, hurts, to know, it's because, of me. And, I'd like, the feeling, to stop.”

"I don't know if you can stop it. Sometimes, you just gotta, like, feel bad. And sit with it." Josh sighed, part in exasperation, part in digesting G-Man's words. "Like, obviously, you got your intended outcome, I guess. But you put me through a lot of scary shit, man. I didn't- I don't think, you know how, alone, I felt, because of that. And, and now, I'm even more alone, because of this. I'm... Why’d you even show me that?”

“…The game, uses, statistics, to see, who becomes, the final boss. It was still, relying on your father’s run, and, Benrey, was still registered. I would’ve been, fine, with that, personally, but, then, the player would leave. And all it really took, was a point, to be registered, on the player, in order, to adjust that statistic. How, it would work, is, with, your base points, the A.I. would react, accordingly, and one would pull through, as, the true, final boss. But, you all were, getting along. Showing you, Xen, and building, distrust, in the team, finally, put a point down, for you.” G-Man took a deep breath. “Joshua, it is, remarkably easy, to cheat, at this game. To, maximize, those points, and, keep steady, the others, and assure whoever I wanted, becomes the antagonist.”

“So change it back. If it’s so ‘remarkably easy’.”

“I can’t.”

“Don’t say that, man, don’t-“

“I don’t think, the game, is processing, a human antagonist, correctly. Your, glitching, sequence, makes the case, for that. It doesn’t know, what to do with you, and, I cannot fix it. I’ve been, trying, but, nothing I do, seems to work, or, makes it worse.”

“The glitching was… You, trying to-“

“Yes.”

Josh felt himself deflate. He put his back up against the wall, sliding down it and putting his legs up to his chest, wrapping his arms around himself.

“Fuck.”

Both of them were quiet, Josh putting his head down, G-Man staying, if not somewhat awkwardly, in his seat.

“Is my dad gonna be able to get out, at the end?” Josh asked, slightly muffled under his arms. Now it was G-Man’s turn to get caught off-guard.

“I- I don’t see, why he wouldn’t be able to. The game is, registering him as, another player. As long as at least, one, is here, the game continues.”

“Okay.” Josh paused. “Make sure of that. Make sure he can get out, no matter, um, what happens with me.” He picked his head up. “I’m trusting you to do that. So, promise me. It’s the least you could do.”

“I, will do, everything in my power, to ensure, that happens.” G-Man said, probably as earnestly as he could. Josh took a deep breath.

“Good. We’re not done.” He stood up, holding himself differently. Intense, yet composed. A controlled burn. He made his way back to the steering panel, grabbing the crossbow, feeling the heft in his hand. He faced the large window, looking out and getting his thoughts together.

“Listen. This stays between us. I don’t know, if I’m gonna tell the team, but if I do, that’s mine to share, okay? You figure out how to fix this. You make sure, when we get to the end, the final boss is…” He paused. He wasn’t sure how much jurisdiction G-Man had over that anymore. “…If, you can fix it, don’t fix it by making it Benrey, or, anyone in the Science Team. Just… I’m not gonna fight anyone. So, I don’t know. Do what you can. And make sure my dad gets home.”

“…You know the player can’t leave until the boss is defeated, Joshua.”

“I know.”

“What if, they, turn on you?” That made Josh whip around, gravity and a focused ire behind his eyes.

“Cut that shit out. You’re the one who put me in this position. The team has been nothing but supportive, and kind to me.” Josh put the crossbow against his hip. “If you really feel bad, then, your apology to me, and Tommy, and all of us, can be making this right.” He thought for a moment. “Actually, figure out something individually for Tommy. I don’t know what happened with you guys, and that’s not my business either, but, you know, you’re still his dad. You gotta own up, and apologize, and, if he’s not ready to accept your apology, respect that. But be better.”

“…That sounds like, something, your father, told you.” Josh swallowed, his eyes going to the floor, before back up to G-Man.

“He didn’t tell me that. He showed me that. You could learn from him.” Josh said. “I’m gonna head back before they start waking up. Don’t make me get all pissed again. I hate being mad.” He turned to face the window, not bothering to look back before clipping through and stepping out into the void.

Thankfully, the tram seemed to be a suspended animation sequence. As he stepped out, he found he was still on a flat, solid surface, the white light streaking in front of him, but nowhere else in the void he now found himself in. He looked around, and found, far, far off in the distance, the wall he came through- at least, he hoped so. It was the only other object in the space. He took a deep breath as he started walking back, leaving the starry mass behind him as he trudged on. He put the crossbow on his back, deciding he probably didn’t need it here.

He sighed. If he didn’t want to make his own exit, G-Man probably could've dropped him off at the wall. Not that he necessarily wanted him to, but he wasn’t eager to try teleporting again after the ambush, and the long walk back was giving him too much to think about, and reflect on, and fill his chest overwhelmingly with doubt, and hurt. What if he really was trapped in here? His dad would be able to keep the computer tower running from the outside, but what if something happened? He’d never see his friends outside again. Or eat. Or sleep. Or cook. The team was great, but he needed to interact with people his own age, again. He needed to deal with high-school stuff. He needed to not be constantly worried about his survival, or working through the genuinely, heavy emotional baggage this place was supplying him with.

Once he got about halfway between the tram and the wall, he slowed down his walk. If he had to break down anywhere, this was probably okay. He continued moving forward, too exhausted to do much of anything besides let the tears fall down his face with shaky breaths. It wasn’t an anguished, yawping sob, or however his English teacher would want him to describe it as. Just an inconvenient stress cry. It was fine. A chore that needed to get done before he could keep going. He’d manage. Just like he’d manage everything else. Blue Sweet Voice came along with a deep exhale, a sort of self-soothe, he determined.

He’d get it under control. He was slowly coming to terms with the fact he’d probably, definitely have to tell the team about what he learned- especially after all the shit he gave them over not telling him about the ambush. Honesty was the best policy. Still hard. Still sucked. Still way more emotionally taxing than he could really digest, right now.

For now, it was okay to just let it all wash over him. He’d think more later. Now was the time to rest as much as he could, even if he wasn’t able to sleep. He wiped the last tears off his cheeks and gathered himself. It’d be okay.

And if he told himself that enough, maybe he’d feel it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alternative title for this chapter is josh fulfills his dad's prophecy and (emotionally) yeets a boomer. another alternative title is. hel p. i knwo im the writer but.
> 
> thank u all sm for the comments and kudos like it really keeps me going writing this and i appreciate it infinitely!! im just really glad yall are enjoying this!!!! i read every single comment and it just fills my heart up and like aaahhhh !!! thank u for sticking with me <3 as always stay safe and healthy and i care u!!!


	18. Best Policy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first official day with the brand new-and-improved Science Team!

The faint conversation from beyond the wall slowly woke Gordon up. That, and the boot digging into his side. He shifted slowly- apparently, Benrey was the kind of sleeper to sprawl out. Which would’ve been fine, if he also wasn’t like that, finding his own legs curled and tangled up with his. He sighed, slowly trying to unravel from him as gently as he could to avoid waking him up. Unfortunately, his efforts weren’t enough.

“Feetman, livin’ up to the namesake.” Benrey said from the other side of the couch.

“You’re the one with the boot on me!” Gordon responded in a whisper- the team all seemed to still be asleep.

“Likely story. I’ll, I’ll need to see some, uh, proof of that.” Gordon looked at him before pointing at the damning evidence. Benrey nodded his head, as if considering it, all while not making any motions otherwise. Gordon rolled his eyes before finally getting his legs out from Benrey, sitting up and grabbing his glasses from the coffee table. He put them on, only now realizing how horribly smudged they were. He looked down at himself- usually, he’d have a cleaning cloth on hand, but he doubted the HEV suit came with that. Maybe Bubby would have something, or- he was interrupted by Benrey sitting up and holding his hand out.

“Yes?” Gordon asked.

“Uh, your lame noob glasses don’t pass inspection, duh.” Benrey said. Gordon passed them over tentatively, only for Benrey to take his tie out from his security vest and start cleaning the lenses, making Gordon realize he had slept with all his gear on, minus the helmet.

Well. There was always tonight for another teachable moment.

“You’re not as blind as I thought you’d be.” Benrey said as he held them up to his face, scrutinizing his cleaning job before handing them back.

“…Thanks?” Gordon said, taking them back and putting them on his face. “My eyesight isn’t good though, man. You might need glasses.”

“…How many fingers am I holding up.” Benrey said with a smirk, not holding up any fingers at all. Gordon was this close to explaining that wasn’t how that worked, _actually_ , but with the look Benrey was giving him, he definitely already knew that too. Gordon, instead, snickered and gave him a playful nudge with his elbow.

“Stupid.” Gordon jested.

“Can you two flirt a few decibels below screeching?” Bubby cut in. “Some of us were _trying_ to sleep.”

“Boo, top ten Bubby home of phobia moments, number seven will leave you **shocked** and **horrified**.” Benrey said. Gordon felt himself go red as he cleared his throat. Way too early to be accused of flirting. Way too early for Benrey to respond like _that_. Way too early for, all of this, actually. Gordon got up, leaving Benrey and Bubby arguing ("I'm _literally_ married to a _man_ -") as the rest of the team woke up. He stretched as he walked, going beyond the wall to the vending machine, finding Darnold and Joshua at the table, deep in conversation, two sodas between them.

“-more a stand-alone drink rather than something to pair?” Josh asked, Gordon catching the tail end of the thought.

“Exactly. At least, until the culinary world catches up.” Darnold replied.

“What about tartare? I mean, with the ideal texture you’re going for, I feel like something similar to that- oh, no, _a pâté_! Like, that could only increase the vibes.”

“But the _flavor_ , right? You have your five bases- your sweet, your sour, your salty, your bitter, and umami. Now, to some, uh, _very wrong mixologists_ , the flavor itself may mean the lack thereof. But, I believe, it all needs to come from, not only the most distilled, intense versions of those bases, but the most rancid combination of them. It has to unlock something in someone’s psyche- something, so, deeply fundamental, to a person, that it turns all sense of morality on its head.” Darnold paused. “Have you had La Croix?” Josh nodded. “Okay, what’s the worst flavor of La Croix? Melón-“

“-Melón Pomelo.”

“Good palette! Okay, imagine Melón Pomelo, but what if it was, boiled down, and fermented to its nasty, nasty core, and, I don’t know, for an example, _meaty_.”

“Already deeply cursed.”

“Oh, yeah. And that’s just the _beginning_. Can you imagine the possibilities?”

“…How much of an element of surprise would play into this?”

“Explain.”

“Well, I mean, what’s more psyche-damaging than a very sudden shift away from normalcy? And, like- you know the Pepsi logo redesign study?”

“Of course.”

“I read through that just to see what it was all about, and like, it’s _scary_ , man. The lengths they went to, in order to justify such a _banal_ thing, like- you could totally use that to your advantage. If that makes sense, maybe it's nothing-”

“Joshua, if the world wasn’t like this, I would have already offered you an internship.”

“You two having fun?” Gordon asked, cracking open the tab on the least threatening soda he could find in the machine. Breakfast.

“Did you know Darnold _made_ his doctorate?” Josh started. “I didn’t even know that was a thing you could _do_.”

“I had a very flexible program.” Darnold said with a somewhat bashful hand-wave. “Honestly, I’m more surprised there isn’t already a more widely accepted combination philosophy and food science degree. Really had to strong-arm the departments together to fill out my course load, but it worked out in the end.”

“You’ve got a philosophy degree?” Gordon asked.

“Cobbled one together, I suppose. I needed _some_ kind of academic backing to get funding for an evil flavor. But, then again, it is Black Mesa, you’ve seen around.” Darnold shrugged. “You think we’ll get to the lab today?” Gordon joined the two at the table, trying to jog his memory.

“Maybe? I’m trying to remember-“

“We have a good trek ahead until we reach the mixology department, but I predict we can make it there today if we keep our wits about us!” Dr. Coomer joined in, grabbing two sodas from the vending machine. “I hope you all are well-rested- if my calculations are correct, we’ll be up against those blasted boot-boys and the helicopter heap!”

“The- the _what_?” Josh asked.

“An admirable foe! But, not to worry, Joshua, the helicopter heap is no match for a most righteous pummeling!” Dr. Coomer responded warmly before heading back behind the wall, presumably to give Bubby the other soda. Josh looked over to his dad.

“Did he punch a helicopter-“

“There’s a rocket launcher.” Gordon assured.

“You know how to use a rocket launcher?”

“Well, Bubby used it last time, I was kinda, out of commission.”

“Right.” Josh tapped on his soda can. He thought he’d be used to this kind of stuff, by now. If there was any consolation, Darnold also seemed to be in a similar state of mind.

“Yeesh.” Darnold finally said. “Really in it now, huh?”

“Good morning!” Tommy said, entering the section and planting a kiss on Darnold’s temple before walking over to the vending machine and grabbing a soda. “Everybody, everybody sleep alright?” He asked.

“Hey, yeah,” Gordon turned over to Josh. “Weren’t you gonna wake me up when you wanted to go to bed?”

Shit.

“Yeah.” Josh said. Maybe he could just leave it at that.

“…Did you sleep last night?”

Shit!

“…No.” Josh gave him a weak, sheepish smile. Gordon sighed. Oh, _no_. _Disappointed Dad Face_. He picked up the soda can Josh was drinking from, eyeing the label.

“Guess caffeine is all that’s really here, huh.” He put it back down on the table. And, then again, a lot happened yesterday. Of course he couldn't have gone to sleep with all that on his mind- Gordon considered it. Wasn’t much he could do about it, now. “Try to sleep tonight?”

“I’ll try to sleep tonight.” Josh agreed, knowing he was just digging himself in a deeper hole.

"...You know this stuff stunts your growth, right?"

"Dad!"

A natural back and forth rapport began, falling into an old routine, but at the back of Josh's mind, he knew he'd definitely have to come clean. Today.

* * *

It was just a matter of when. There never seems to be a good time to do these kinds of things, but especially not with the high-octane chaos that followed the Science Team mercilessly.

Dr. Coomer was right- the military seemed to be out in full force, and they were maybe only an hour into today's journey, after everyone had gotten up and redistributed weapons, now that there were two new additions to the team. There was a lot to choose from in the stockpile they all built up- Josh stuck with the crossbow and the crowbar, especially after the experience with the gun arm. Throughout the game, the Science Team amassed more heavy-duty guns, which made sense, as the enemies and the amount of them got increased, but all the same, Josh was never going to be over seeing the group of scientists with such heavy artillery. Very incongruous, but more so the image of his dad wielding a pistol. _Super_ weird.

But they made it through the first section here alright. Bubby was running through the facility, turning switches on in a few different rooms while the rest of the team covered him, leaving a trail of ragdoll military men and aliens in their wake. With more people here, it was getting easier to get through, and after Tommy’s worries were brought up and addressed, there was a much more even distribution of the slaughter- in any other situation, it'd be a heartwarming display of teamwork. Josh looked up to the ceiling as a sudden blue laser beam shot through a grate, leading the way to a large foyer, if such a thing could be found in a laboratory, a red sign above the threshold warning “Do Not Obstruct Laser Shield”. Knowing the team, that was much more of a gentle suggestion than a command. Another laser joined the one already on, a perfect reflection of it, while Dr. Coomer moved a box to one side of a large panel.

“Joshua, would you be so kind as to mirror that crate with mine?” Dr. Coomer asked, snapping Josh out of his thoughts.

“Hmm?” He responded before catching up with what Dr. Coomer said. “Oh- yeah, sorry.” He quickly moved over to the other box, pushing it until it got stopped by the raised platform. “What’s this for?”

“To obstruct the laser shield and blow a hole through the wall!”

Oh. Now might be as good of a time as any.

“…Through the wall, huh?” Josh asked, mentally kicking himself for such a suspicious intonation. He put his hand up against the wall, leaning on it in the most unintentionally, forced-casual way. “Through the wall.” He reiterated.

“Yes!”

“Ah, man, if only there was another way. To go _through_. The _wall_.” Josh raised his eyebrows, trying to signal, anything, to Dr. Coomer.

“Get away from the wall!” Bubby suddenly chided, at the top of the platform, pressing buttons and angling what Josh assumed to be the laser’s charge. “Unless you want to get exploded by my awesome brainchild.”

Josh sighed and moved out of the way. This was fine. That was a very stilted way of getting what he wanted to say across anyway. A better moment would probably present itself at some point. Bubby turned the laser on, the shield coming down, only to get stopped by the crates the two had so expertly placed. The shield went back up, and the laser hit the wall directly, only a few moments passing before it was blown to smithereens. Bubby had a very self-satisfied smile on his face as he pushed his glasses up.

“Excellent work, Dr. Bubby!” Dr. Coomer said, offering a hand out to Bubby as he made his way down the three steps from the laser’s platform.

“Thank you, Dr. Coomer.” Bubby responded, taking the hand and descending.

“You worked on the laser?” Gordon asked, the other three joining him from beyond the threshold. Tommy passed around ammo clips to Darnold and Gordon while Benrey sheathed his gun.

“Quantum and optical physics team.” Bubby replied. “At least, for a few years. I got put in a few different departments.” Bubby fondly patted the charge. “This one was always my favorite, though.”

“How have we never talked about this!” Gordon said, walking alongside Bubby as they all started descending down through the hole.

“Josh told us you teaching these days?”

“I- yeah, actually! I never thought I’d end up back in academia, but-“

“Well, that’s why we never talked. I don’t associate with _professors_.” Bubby said, the word dripping with mockery, just enough that Gordon knew he was just trying to push his buttons- nonetheless, it worked.

“I- I’m still a doctor!” He defended, both of them continuing to talk in spite of that, going into tangents about the application of theoretical physics on electro-thermodynamics, Dr. Coomer adding commentary along the way. Josh, Tommy, Darnold and Benrey stayed a little ways behind the trio- physics wasn’t any of their fields, necessarily, but they weren’t far enough away to not pick up bits of the conversation. As much as he wished he could follow along, the impassioned argument breaking out over “polarizable fluid” was really lost on Josh.

“Hey, Darnold.” Benrey piped up.

“Yes?” Darnold replied.

“You play Pyro update yet?”

“I don’t know- you still main battle Medic?” Darnold snickered.

“Whuh- listen, he’s a very important aspect to any team-“ Benrey quickly shot back.

“A _medic_ , is, yeah!” The two of them continued, going off into their best gaming strategies, making plans to play a bot rush, at some point, while Josh and Tommy put in their two cents, at times- a much more manageable plot to follow.

He wasn’t about to interrupt the conversations around him. Josh would get around to telling the team eventually.

* * *

That was a long drop. He didn’t have much time to consider it though- he saw the silo across the waterway and decided he’d just have to swim to it- seemed to be the only way he could go, with the rush of boot-boys, the helicopter (just one- he still had no idea what the hell the helicopter heap entailed) looming over them, and the sniper hiding out in a barrack.

Well.

Josh took a deep breath and leapt off the platform, hoping the HEV suit had enough power to absorb the shock and not crunch his body when he broke the surface- he read somewhere that from high enough, diving into water had the same impact as diving onto concrete.

Thankfully, it was more akin to the high-dive board at the university swimming pool, thrilling, and scary, but not deadly. He swam back up to the surface and took a gasp of air, waving to the others to follow along as he started swimming over to the silo, hearing another few large splashes behind him, turning around and floating idly. Looked like Tommy was next, followed by Dr. Coomer, Darnold, then Gordon- Bubby and Benrey were still up on the platform, but Benrey looked like he was psyching himself up to go next. Tommy broke the surface first.

“-Creature!” He yelled out to Josh.

“What?” Josh yelled back. He turned back around to find a very threatening dorsal fin a little ways away from him- not far enough for comfort, though, especially not when last time he came close to one of these guys, he had some kind of protection with the shark cage. Josh tensed up, a bubble of yellow Sweet Voice escaping him before quickly thrashing his hands up to catch it, shoving it under the water as it popped. Ah- yellow means fear. Even so, swimming away from an alien-shark-thing was _definitely_ not a good time to spill the beans on this fun little secret. He grabbed the crossbow off his back, thankful it still had arrows loaded into the barrel, before going back under the water and swimming just below the surface, trying to keep an eye out for the beast.

Unfortunately, it spotted him before he spotted it. It locked on, torpedoing itself towards him, maw agape. More yellow Sweet Voice spilled out under the water as Josh kicked away, catching sight of the red ladder up to the silo through the murky water- too far away. It all happened too quickly for him to process, but he knew he made a split second decision, because one moment, he was _way_ too close to the shark, and the next, he was on the ladder, a few feet out of the water, one arm looped through a rung, the other holding the crossbow out, like he was aiming for it. His body felt a little fuzzy, like static, slightly similar to his first glitching experience, but it didn’t last long before he adjusted himself to actually take aim at the creature- the crossbow brought it down last time. With a brief look around, it didn’t seem like anyone noticed him teleport, too focused on the fish. He felt himself settle back as he followed the dorsal fin, careful to avoid the Science Team swimming as he closed an eye and took a deep breath. The creature threw itself out of the water, and Josh shot, sending a volley of arrows into the side. It screeched as it dived below the surface once again as he reloaded- he’d need more ammo soon. Tommy and Gordon joined him at the ladder. The water was eerily still, for a few moments, until the creature was launched into the air, Dr. Coomer hollering a victorious cry, a fist raised.

“Now, Joshua!” He yelled- Josh took the hint and sent another barrage of arrows into the creature as it died, belly-up. Josh took a deep breath as Dr. Coomer and Darnold joined them at the ladder, Bubby and Benrey not far behind.

“Rocky Balboa and Captain Ahab over here!” Gordon joked.

“Fuck yeah, ACAB.” Benrey agreed, grabbing onto the ladder. Nobody corrected him.

But his dad’s comment left a sour taste in Josh’s mouth- it didn’t help he read _Moby Dick_ for his English class just a few units ago. And maybe the final boss implication was getting to him more than he realized.

“Mr. Balboa couldn’t last a second in the ring with me, Gordon!” Dr. Coomer said.

“Considering that you just punched a shark out of the water, I’d say that tracks.” Gordon replied. Looks like nobody else was as hung up on that as Josh- made sense, considering he was still the only one that actually had some idea of what the end may look like. He sighed.

Not a great time to tell the group. Maybe later.

* * *

Ah. So this was the helicopter heap.

If he didn’t know any better, he’d assume the mass of clipping machinery spawning on top of each other, thundering through the valley and frantically whipping wind around the group was actually what was breaking the game. Josh clung to the absurdly small ledge on the side of the mountain- looking down was definitely worse than looking at the cluster, but neither view was good, necessarily. He really, really wished he still had his earplugs- he lost them after the ambush, but he was pretty sure even if he wasn’t noise-sensitive, this would’ve been an auditory nightmare anyway.

He watched as Bubby took a knee and aimed the rocket launcher at the mechanical beast, Dr. Coomer loading the missile in. Bubby staggered back as it was propelled out, hitting the mass head-on. It made some kind of dent, but it felt more comparable to trying to fight a dragon with a dagger. The heap continued to rumble and bluster- another rocket launched, but it just kept hovering. Josh’s eyes darted down- the ledge wasn’t even wide enough to support him walking forwards, so he was here, clinging to the side of the mountain and shuffling precariously. The rest of the team was a little ways behind him, mostly helping with the rocket launcher.

This wasn’t the best angle to approach this particular problem, he quickly realized. With his back against the rock, he was free to look wherever the morbid curiosity took him. Bad. He took a deep breath, starting to shift himself around so his front was against the side instead, going slow and trying to block out the sound of the helicopter rotors- he didn’t quite account for the wind. A gust pitched him forward, slipping with a sharp yelp as he suddenly stumbled into the rock, clipping through it and finding himself back in the void, the other side of the rocks behind him. His heart pounded in his chest, but he was safe, he gathered as he analyzed his surroundings. Why didn’t he do this in the first place? The ground, if he could call it that, was stable here, no wind, nothing loud. Nice.

He followed the trail the rock provided as far as it went- looked like it was heading upwards, so there must’ve been something on the other side to help him traverse this. He went back through, back into the chaos, grabbing onto a ladder, and focusing only on that rather than the steep drop below him. He got up, finding this ledge to be much wider, to his relief, just as the world was suddenly tinted to a flash of red-orange followed by a booming explosion. He turned around- the helicopter heap was actually defeated, it seemed, as it tumbled ungracefully out of the sky. He took a sigh of relief, sitting down and throwing his legs over the edge, feeling much less overwhelmed than he was moments ago, now that the beast was destroyed. He looked down, the Science Team still gathered in the alcove below.

“Joshua!” Gordon yelled, near terror in his voice. Josh threw a hand up.

“Over here!” He called back, waving his arm. He watched the team practically storm across the treacherous ledge, his father leading the charge as he bolted up the ladder. Gordon threw his arms around him, holding him tight, protective.

“God, I didn’t- I heard you yell, and you weren’t there-“ He started, pulling back. “Don’t scare me like that.” He said, hands heavy on Josh’s shoulders.

“I’m, fine?” Josh said, somewhat confused.

“I thought- I thought you fell.” The pieces clicked together in Josh’s head. Right. Now might be a good time to come clean. But the Science Team behind his dad, over him almost ominously- anxiety filled his chest. Not yet. Not here. He steeled himself.

“Well, I didn’t, so, all good.” Josh said, standing up.

“Hey-“ Gordon stopped him. “-I’m serious. Stick with the group. It’s dangerous.“

“Yeah, I know that.” Josh furrowed his brow. “I’ve been managing fine, so.”

“Josh, I’m- please let me be worried, okay? The military, and, the aliens, and, _everything_ -“

“I’ve been here for days, I _know_ -“ Josh paused, taking a sigh. He’d let it go. There was a part of him that didn’t want to potentially spend, however much time he had left before the end, arguing with his dad. It wasn’t worth it. “…Okay.” Josh finally said, relenting. Gordon nodded.

“Okay. Safety in numbers.”

“Yeah.”

The team progressed forward, Bubby and Dr. Coomer taking the lead, but nonetheless, staying together.

Soon. He’d tell them soon.

* * *

The team was taking a well-deserved break, having finally made it to Darnold’s laboratory. Well- most of the team was taking a break. Darnold and Joshua, however, threw themselves into the near alchemic-mixology, “potion-making”, sequestering themselves at the main lab table, while everyone else dispersed throughout the room, starting to open up some of the crates around. Tommy took notes on a clipboard while the two worked.

If food science was actually like this, Josh may have had to reconsider his post-high school plans. This was fast-paced, and exciting, and every question he asked, Darnold had an answer to that wasn’t watered-down, and was in-depth and fascinating. They weren’t making anything in particular- it was more Darnold showing him biochemical reactions and going into the more experimental processes he was applying to try to create his morality-based flavors. Nonetheless, it completely absorbed his attention.

Gordon was currently taking nails out of one of the crates on the other side of the room with the crowbar, the top of the box creaking loudly as he fought with it. It didn’t help Benrey was currently leaning his whole top half on it, observing, maybe trying to get a rise out of him. Gordon sighed heavily.

“Man, this thing’s gonna hit you right in the face if you’re there.” Gordon said, gesturing to the crowbar.

“Ha, fuckin’, carin’ about my face? Kinda… Lil’ bit… Uh…” Benrey was obviously prompting.

“Gay?” Gordon finished.

“You said it.” Benrey moved so he wasn’t right over the crowbar, leaning against the wall instead, while Gordon got back to work.

“You know, if you’re not gay, you shouldn’t make those jokes. I know that’s, like, the funny gamer thing, but-“

“Whuh, what makes you think I’m not?” Gordon reddened.

“Oh.”

“Ya. Gay-mer.”

“Right.”

Suddenly, there was a very, different, new context to practically every interaction he had with Benrey.

Whoops.

“Your gaydar sucks, bro.” Benrey said.

“My gaydar doesn’t suck! I just… Didn’t want to assume.” Gordon defended.

“Whuh, why’re you assuming? Sounds, uh, sounds like you’re scared you’re gonna fall in love with me.”

“You know, I think, I think your gaydar sucks, because, you’re the one who keeps calling me gay.”

“…You’re not-“

“I’m bi.”

“Oh.” Benrey said in understanding, almost, relieved? Gordon definitely had to be reading into that. “That’s good, because, uh, I was worried, that uh, mine was broken. Kept, passing it over you, and it’d beep, so, you know-“

“Uh-huh, yeah, very familiar, with how the very real gaydar detector works. Why-“ Gordon laughed. “Why were you passing it over me, then?” God, it’d been a while since Gordon flirted- shit, _was_ he flirting? Was _this_ flirting? Flirting was just- different, as he got older. He’d gotten more confident in himself over the years. But now- this felt more like a game of chicken. A very flirtatious game of chicken, maybe, but the one-upmanship- it was just part of the pattern of how they talked with each other.

“No passport, bro, gotta check you out somehow.”

“’Check me out’? That’s pretty forward.” Gordon flashed a smile as he pried the lid off the box with a loud crunch. Benrey averted his gaze- Gordon turned away too, satisfied with himself. Looked like he won this round.

He scanned over the contents of the box instead. Last time, they ended up finding a good stockade of high-powered weapons- it’d be helpful for Xen, and the final boss battle with G-Man, hopefully. This crate seemed to house a Gluon and a Gauss gun. Very powerful indeed, but paling in comparison to the most important item inside.

“Hey, Tommy!” Gordon called out, half inside the crate before reemerging, holding a red and yellow cap with a little propeller on top. “This yours?”

Even from across the room, Gordon could see Tommy’s eyes light up. Darnold and Josh put their experiment on pause, Darnold seemingly about to drop something from a pipette into a petri dish while Josh watched rapt, to instead look as Tommy went to the crate and took the hat, placing it firmly on his head. He turned back to Darnold.

“Still, still befitting?” He asked.

“Always befitting!” Darnold reassured. “I wonder if my jet boots are somewhere around here.” He thought aloud.

“Jet boots?” Josh piped up. There was an excited glint in Darnold's eyes as he looked back to Josh.

“ _Jet boots_.”

“Gordon, have you found,” Dr. Coomer started before dropping an octave. “ _The Big One_?”

“Maybe it’s in the other crate?” Gordon suggested, picking up the Gluon gun and walking over to him and Bubby. “You want this one, Bubby?”

“Trying to make me look like a Ghostbuster?” Bubby asked, taking it anyway, strapping the pack onto his back and adjusting to the new weight.

“I think it’s the glasses. Very Egon.” Gordon joked.

“You’re one to talk.” Bubby cracked back. Gordon smiled- he never thought he’d say it, but the Science Team was surprisingly pleasant to be around when they weren’t hellbent on ruining his day or trying to kill him. It was hard to put his mind around. Complex.

It weighed on him more, that he left them here. He knew he already apologized, and gotten apologies back, but there was definitely more to work through after the initial sorry. More that he actually, wanted to work through.

Just more motivation to get to the end of the game- maybe even find out how to get them out. That’d be nice.

He thought about that as he got the lid off the next crate, Darnold and Josh joining the group. Once the lid was off, Dr. Coomer grabbed _The Big One_ out with an almost giddy laugh, while Darnold took out a pair of shoes that looked identical to the ones he was wearing- judging by his expression, however, these had to be the boots he was talking about.

* * *

The team got a bit further through the facility before deciding to stop for the day, easily mowing down a few different rushes of enemies with their new toys. They set up camp right outside some kind of bunker, under the night sky with crates and green-tarp-wrapped objects piled up high around them. A sort of calm before tomorrow.

Turned out, however, that the tarps held military camping supplies, which was acceptable for the Science Team, setting up tents and cots around the area. Nobody was quite settling in for bed yet, though. A nervous energy seemed to percolate through everyone, which might’ve been why they were all somewhat scattered through the campsite.

Josh found himself tucked up against some of the crates, knees close to his chest, arms dangling over them, deep in thought. Dr. Coomer had idly told the group they’d more than likely reach Xen tomorrow as they set up for the night.

And Josh still hadn’t mentioned anything. At some point in the day, he realized while he was worried about the ending, he also just really, really didn’t want to have to tell the team they weren’t going to be able to get out. It made his body ache with dread, anxiety pitting itself deep in his chest, overwhelming him into a numbness he felt comfortable enough to rest in, for now. He felt like he was walking a tightrope between falling into complete despair over the situation and a deep need to hold onto some kind of hope- the rope itself turned out to be a sort of rigid melancholy. If he just kept walking that line, he’d be okay. It’d be okay, he just had to-

“Hey,” Benrey snapped him out of his thoughts. Josh looked up just as he sat down next to him. “Doin’ good, bro? Kinda spacey today.” Josh swallowed and nodded.

“Yeah, ‘m just chilling.” He said. “What, what are you up to? Thought you’d be hanging out with the team, or something.” Benrey waved his hand.

“They’re having a big nerd convention, talking about nerd shit.” Benrey said, gesturing over beyond the crate. Sure enough, everyone but him and Josh seemed to be deep in conversation- Tommy animatedly talking about something, too far away for Josh to really pick up on anything, but everyone seemed to be captivated. “’N you looked mopey.”

“I wasn’t mo-“ Josh stopped himself. Maybe he was. But he had good reason to be. He sighed, leaning back against the crate. “Just, you know. Tomorrow.” Benrey was quiet for a few moments.

“Uh, if it, means anything, I’m kinda, nervous about tomorrow too. I don’t know, like, what’s really gonna happen, once we go through the portal. And, like, things are different, I just- you know- what if.” Benrey replied. Josh mulled it over in his head.

“Was it scary?” Benrey thought for a moment.

“I guess? I was just- I don’t know. I was more, confused, than anything. I thought, you know, I just thought we were all chill, good best friends. And then all the shit- I didn’t, like, know, what was really happening, and I couldn’t, process it, right. It was like, it had to be like this, and I couldn’t, fix it. I wanted to, but. Yeah.”

“Yeah.” Josh rested his chin against his knees. “I don’t- I don’t think, you should worry too much. It’s different this time. Like, really.”

“Yeah? You got, uh, insider gaming facts?” Benrey laughed. Josh tensed up.

“…Um. Kinda.”

“Hmm?”

He had to come clean at some point. And, if anybody, Benrey could probably empathize the most. He wasn’t even sure how to begin. And the more he stayed quiet, and considered it, the more he felt himself falling off that precarious tightrope he kept himself up on all day as he felt tears well up. Everything was crashing down on him, and it sucked, so bad, but if he didn’t get it out now, he wouldn’t until it was too late. 

“Can you get my dad?” He asked gently. “I really fucked up.” He continued shakily- he didn’t know if the sentiment was to Benrey, or the team, or his dad, or himself, maybe. He put his head down as he curled deeper in.

“Hey, bro, it’s- it’s all good, you didn’t do anything, whuh, what’s up? What’s wrong?” Benrey consoled. He looked over to the group across the site, making eye contact with Gordon, trying to gesture him over. Gordon got the hint, excusing himself from the other scientists and starting to make his way to them. Benrey turned back to Josh.

Josh picked his head up slowly as pale yellow and cyan Sweet Voice floated from him. He watched them drift up into the sky, bright, almost leisurely paced. Huh. Guess he was getting good at it. Those were the most orb-shaped ones yet.

Far away, he was vaguely aware the previously raucous conversation across from him had stopped. He couldn’t find it in himself to care, right now. He looked back to Benrey.

“That- that doesn’t mean-“ Benrey started. Josh cut him off with a small nod. He looked just behind Benrey at his dad, stopped in the middle of it all, staring. Josh swallowed hard, trying to clear his throat before speaking, his voice cracking anyway.

“I’m sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> phew ! sorry for the long wait on this one- school + the fires here are kind of kicking my ass, so i really appreciate yall being so patient with me!! don't worry, i'm all safe and hopefully the next chapter doesnt take too long!!!
> 
> thank you so much for reading and commenting and kudoing (and thanks for over weed number amount of kudos, thats so wild skjfdhg) !!!! and thanks for keeping up w/ me!!


	19. Before the Wind Picks Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Science Team begins coming to terms with tomorrow.

The news hung heavy in the air. The team gathered back together as Josh explained everything- G-Man’s original plan, the messed up code, the glitching, and the thing he wanted to say the least; the truth, that there wasn’t going to be a way for the Science Team to leave.

Everybody needed time to process, to say the least. Gordon and Benrey stayed with Josh, while Tommy and Darnold went back to their tent, Bubby and Dr. Coomer going to theirs. They’d come back together later- there was just, suddenly, much more to digest. More to ponder. Feelings that needed to be dealt with privately.

A lull washed over the three remaining, awkward and stifling and raw. None of them knew what to say. Josh sighed.

“Dad?”

“Yeah?” Gordon asked back gently.

“I- I made G-Man promise to get you out. You can, still.”

Gordon, for an uncountable amount of times tonight, felt like he got the wind knocked out of him, once again, his heart aching. How the _fuck_ did they get into this situation. He looked to his son, eyes cast at the ground, yet some kind of unwavering determination and seriousness on his face.

This wasn’t fucking fair. His son was always empathetic, and sort of held himself knowingly, but this- it felt like Gordon blinked, and he shifted into a dauntless, unwaveringly magnanimous young man.

How did he fuck up so bad that his son needed to be like this. He should’ve been getting into normal, teenage trouble, and doing normal, teenage stuff, and figuring out what kind of person he was becoming. But now- it wasn’t that he was growing up too fast. He was forced into a situation that he should’ve never had to be in. A situation that required him to be brave, and selfless, and acting beyond anything anybody had any right to expect of him. A situation that Gordon could’ve prevented if he just- he felt himself deflate. Everything was too complicated, and shitty, and undeserved. Gordon pulled him into a hug.

“I’m not leaving you here.” He said, sturdy, his own resolution coming through.

“What if you have to?” Josh asked, somewhat muffled against the embrace. Gordon pulled away, keeping his hands on Josh’s shoulders.

“Joshua. I’m not letting that happen.” Gordon said. “I’m- I don’t know, what’s going to happen, tomorrow, but, there’s- there has to be, something, that G-Man’s not telling you, and- I’m not- we’re not going to play his game-”

“I don’t think we have a _choice_ -“

“There’s _always_ a choice.” Gordon steeled himself. “And, you know, maybe it’s a choice G-Man doesn’t like, but, I’m not- this never should’ve happened. None of this, and, Josh, I’m so, so sorry, and, we’ll find a way to fix this, and-“

“The game was still using Gordo’s save data, right?” Benrey suddenly asked. The other two stopped and turned to him.

“I- yeah, but, Benrey,“ Josh began. “He- I don’t even know if he _can_ fix it, but, I told him if he can, that he can’t fix it like that, like, the code-“

“I’ve done it before. It’s okay.” He sighed. “You know, it- your dad’s right. You’re not going through that. And, I’m okay doing it again.” He turned to Gordon. “Hope you remember where your passport is.”

“Benrey-“ Gordon started. Benrey shook his head.

“It’ll be okay. Uh. Easier, this time. I’ll make it easy. I don’t know, if, uh, if he’s listening, but, like, you know, ‘I’m okay with being the final boss, bro’.” He said the last part loudly, out to the camp.

“ _I’m_ not okay with that.” Josh spoke up. “I told G-Man, if we get to Xen, and I’m it, then, you know, so be it, but, I’m not fighting the team, especially not if someone else is the final boss.” He swallowed. “It’s okay. We’ll go through the motions, and, Dad’ll get home, and, I’ll respawn, I guess, and-“

“Both of you. Stop it.” Gordon cut in. “Nobody’s fighting anyone. We’re going to fix this. And, we’re gonna get home.” He sighed. “It’s- it’s been a long day, and, I think, maybe it’s best, we sleep on this, reconvene in the morning, when, you know, our minds are more, clear.” He bargained. Benrey and Josh stayed quiet, until Josh stood up.

“I need to go talk to Tommy.” Josh said. Gordon nodded.

“And then get some rest.”

“…I can’t sleep anymore.” Gordon inhaled deeply, rubbing his temples with one hand, pushing his glasses up to his forehead.

“Right.” He finally said with an exhale. “Okay. Um. Don’t go looking for G-Man. Be safe. Wake me up if you need anything.” He readjusted his glasses back on his face. He probably wouldn't be sleeping tonight either, anyway. “Seriously.”

“I know. I will.” Josh said, turning around and heading to the other side of the camp over to Tommy’s tent. Gordon continued to sit, his back against the crate, still next to Benrey. He eventually put his head in his hands, exasperated. Exhausted.

“This is the fucking worst.” Gordon finally said. “I think, um, I think I’m definitely the shittiest dad in the world, officially.”

“What the hell, man.” Benrey said. “Bro, like, whuh-“

“I don’t! I don’t know, Benrey. I’m- fucking- this wouldn’t have happened, if I just, fixed this, years ago. And now, I just- I made it, so much worse, for nothing, and this all could’ve been stopped, if I just-“

“Just, what? Like. Actually.” Benrey paused. “We- you heard Josh, man. We can’t get out anyway. Like, if you came back, before, _this_ , this shit would’ve just, like, eaten at you, and you’d feel bad for not being able to get us out, and you’d be all, like, sad, n’ shit, and, bro, who knows, maybe you could’ve done everything right, and Josh would’ve found the headset anyway, like, I don’t know. You can’t- you know, you can’t stop what already happened. And, like, also, you can’t call yourself the shittiest dad when G-Man’s here. So. Yeah.” Gordon sighed and shrugged.

“I don’t know, man, I-“ He paused in thought. “There was like, shit with his mom, when he was younger. I… I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like he raised himself. I-“ He swallowed and shook his head. “He started living with me full-time, when he was nine, and, I just… I feel like, I missed, _so much_. And- I know I didn’t, I… I just want it to be, okay. I don’t- I’m so tired, of him, hurting. I just, like, fuck, man, it’s a fucking cliché, but there’s no parenting rule book, you know? I fucking read enough ‘Being a Single Dad’ stupid self-help books to know, there’s fucking nothing. There’s definitely nothing for _this_. And, I just, try to be there for him, when he’s ready, but- I’m so, scared, that I fucked up, and, I did fuck up, this is so, so bad, and it’s my fault-“

Benrey recognized some version of this spiral all too well- Gordon rambled and buried himself in holes like this when he got upset. He remembered that. He also remembered trying to joke him out of it, but this didn’t seem like the time. So Benrey moved, suddenly, getting up onto his knees, looking Gordon square in the eyes and cupping his face with both hands in a motion reminiscent of years ago, something to get his attention. It worked.

“You gotta cut that shit out, man.” Benrey said, earnest. Different. “…You got a lot of, like, anxiety, about being a good parent. You got a lot of anxiety about everything, actually. You think, uh, you think bad parents think this hard about being a good parent? You think, fuckin’, anybody thinks as hard about shit as you do, bro? Huh? You got a big, dumb, brain. A big dumb brain that blames you for shit you can’t control. What, like, what fuckin’, _matters_ , though, is how you react to the shit you can’t control. And you’re being, like, supportive, and fatherly, and, like, you’re kind of a fuckin’, idiot loser, sometimes, ‘cause, Josh trusts you n’ shit. Like, he could’ve not told anyone about this, and just, let it happen, but he knows he can trust you, and, like, he asked for you, when he needed help. You think he’d do that shit if you’re a bad parent? No. Dumbass.” Benrey sighed and let go of Gordon’s face, sitting back on the ground. Gordon cleared his throat in the lull between them.

“…He trusted you to help him, too.”

“Yeah, that’s- we’re talkin’ about you right now, though, so, shut the fuck.”

There was a pause, for a moment, until Gordon sighed and moved his hand over to Benrey’s, taking it, interlacing his fingers with his, a little awkward, with the HEV suit mitts and Benrey's fingerless gloves. But Benrey was certain if he was still able to do Sweet Voice, some embarrassing colors would’ve spilled out of him. Instead, there was nothing. And that was good too.

In literally any other situation, Benrey would be giving him shit for this, but it was innocuous enough to just be a soft, kind gesture. Didn’t mean it wouldn’t make his heart catch in his chest. Benrey’s thoughts finally caught up with himself as he returned the motion, squeezing gently.

“You, um, you have, a really big heart, Benrey. I- um… Thank you.” Gordon said.

“That sounds so fuckin’ lame, dude, shut up.” Benrey said. Gordon exhaled a laugh. There was another silence between them before Benrey continued. “I’m- I’m really okay, being the final boss. I don’t- you guys shouldn’t, go through this. I’m… I hate that you’re making me say all this stupid shit. But, I don’t want you guys to hurt anymore. You, like, deserve to be at home, and, safe. I… Uh, I was never really, part of the Science Team, anyway. You all are, like, smart, and nice to each other, n’ shit. I don’t mind.”

“Benrey,” Gordon started, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. There was, a lot, he could say. A lot he wanted to say. “I, um, I appreciate, the sentiment.” Gordon finally settled on. “But, I really don’t want that to happen either, because, you _are_ part of the team. Like, don’t think I don’t notice how much you and Josh get along, you know? You- you were there for him, when I wasn’t here. You still are, and- I… I consider you part of the Science Team, because, I consider you my friend.”

“You… Really?”

“Mmm-hmm. I- you know, there’s still shit to work through, but, I _want_ to work through it, because, I’m tired of clinging onto it, and, our relationship is important to me.”

“…You can’t say that shit while you’re holding my hand, bro.”

“Well, tough.” They both lulled in the quiet until Gordon spoke again. “There’s always another choice. And, I’m not doing, whatever G-Man wants us to do. We still- we still have _power_ , here, man. We’re not- we can’t- this isn’t going to be, like last time. It’s different. And, literally, the only person I’m fighting tomorrow is G-Man. That’s it. We’re gonna fight him and then we’re all gonna get out.”

“You guys are gonna get out.” Benrey sighed. “Really, man. It’s- you don’t have to say it’ll be okay. It’s okay, for it, to not be.”

“I-“ Gordon stopped himself. What could he say, really. It was another problem he didn’t know how to fix on top of the growing pile, and he just felt, overwhelmed, and scared. As was the person sitting next to him. He took another moment and squeezed his hand- Benrey squeezed back, and held tight, like he was afraid to let go. “…Tonight, it’ll be, okay.” He offered. “I don’t know, what tomorrow’s gonna look like. But, tonight.” Benrey nodded. Off somewhere in his head. Understandable. Gordon was somewhere else too. But this was okay, a hand in his. Perhaps too much left unsaid. A pain that there wasn’t enough time to say it.

“When, uh, when you get out, at least, visit, sometimes.” Benrey suddenly broke the silence. Gordon nodded.

“Of course.”

Like it wasn't even a question.

Tonight, it was okay.

* * *

There was a soft tap from the just beyond the tent- Tommy was glad they set these up, earlier. It was nice to have some privacy, to just, sit, with Darnold, take it in. Process. Talk.

But there was someone outside.

“Yeah, come, come in!” He said, not really trying for his usual, chipper tone anymore, but nonetheless wincing at his own voice cracking from discomposure.

“Hi.” Josh said timidly, raising the flap and letting himself in, deciding to sit on the ground, not able to meet their eyes, yet. He felt a certain shame. “Um. I’m really sorr-“

“I’m sorry-“ Tommy said at the same time. Both of them stopped. Tommy let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding in a sort of weary laugh. “Y- Yeah.”

“Yeah.” Josh agreed. There was a long pause before Josh spoke up again. “I- uh, G-Man, told me, another thing, that, I didn’t, want to share, with everybody, but, I think, you should know.”

“Oh. Sure, o-okay.” Tommy said.

“If you want, I can leave.” Darnold said, putting another hand over the one that was already in his. Tommy shook his head.

“It’s, it’s okay.” He reassured. “I’m glad you’re here.” Darnold leaned against Tommy, putting his head on his shoulder. Tommy looked back to Josh. Josh took a deep breath.

“He, um, he said- I know this isn’t an excuse, but, he misses you. And, I think, he wants to apologize to you, and, work on stuff.” Josh found himself fidgeting with one of the finger guards on his hand. “I mean. Yeah. Kind of a round-about way of doing it, but, um, he does care about you. But, I also told him it’s not your job to forgive him, so, I don’t think he expects you to do anything. And I don’t- like, I don’t know, what happened with you guys, and it’s totally understandable if he’s beyond forgiveness, like, obviously. But, um, I told him to make it right, so, hopefully, he starts doing that.” He finished. Tommy nodded.

“That’s- thank you, for, for telling me, that.” He started. “I- I don’t, know. Like you said, very, very round-about way, of, doing that.” He sighed. “I’m- I’m really sorry, you got, dragged into this, Joshua. We’re, we won’t, let anything happen, to you.”

“Thanks- I- I don’t know.” He paused to release a nervous laugh. “Um, we’ll figure it out tomorrow. Just- whatever happens, you don’t have any responsibility to make it right. Like, that’s not on you. I mean… I’ve got stuff with my mom that I’m still, uh, working on, and, like, that was years ago, and I’m not trying to get into all that, but, what I’m saying is, it’s… You can still, love your parents, and also, have it be okay to not forgive them, if you’re not ready, I guess. You know? I don’t know. I’m not saying anything you don’t already know-“

“Thank you, Joshua.” Tommy said with a nod. “Don’t- don’t worry about me. Just, um, I’m glad, you told us. So, thank you, for trusting us. I know- I know, my dad, hasn’t made it, easy.” Tommy exhaled a small laugh. “He- he never really, um, knew, how to make this stuff, easy.”

“…Parents kind of suck sometimes.”

“Yeah, that’s, that’s one way to put it.” Tommy sighed. “We’ll- we’ll figure it out. Don’t stress, just try to, relax, a bit. I- even if, you can’t, sleep, anymore, sometimes, it, it helps just to, lie down, and, um… ‘Purple to sapphire jewel means I’m calm and cool’, if, you know, how to, to control your, Sweet Voice, like that.” Josh nodded and smiled.

“Thanks, Tommy.” Josh put his hands on his knees before standing up. “Um, Darnold?”

“Yes?” Darnold responded.

“Thanks for, um, today. I really enjoyed myself, so, thanks for sharing the lab with me, and… It was just, nice, talking about food and stuff again. Felt… Human. And, thank you, for helping my dad, too. I- I wouldn’t have, been able to see him again, without you. So, I really appreciate it.” Josh took a deep breath, shakier than he realized, surprised at himself- somewhat embarrassed at how upset he was getting. “Phew! Ah- sorry, just, thank you, both-“ Darnold stopped him, standing up and holding out a hand to Josh to shake. He took it.

“You know, it, it was great to have such a bright lab assistant, today.” He said warmly. “Kinda, reminded me of myself, when I was your age. I guess, not really, but you know what I mean. I… I still think, you’d make a great food scientist, or, doctor of mixology, but, _when_ , you get out, I think the culinary world better watch their backs. They’ve got a big storm coming.” He paused. “I’m- I wouldn’t have gotten here, without your father, either. So, thank you.” Josh sighed deeply and nodded as he shook Darnold’s hand.

“Doctor Pepper.” Josh said, attempting some kind of lightheartedness. It nonetheless came out like a goodbye.

“Chef Freeman.” Darnold replied. Josh laughed.

“Doctor Coolatta.” He said to Tommy. Tommy gave him a small smile.

“Goodnight, Joshua.”

“’Night.” He said back, waving as he left the tent and closed the flap.

Darnold sighed, putting his arms around himself, until Tommy leaned over, putting his hands on his waist and gently pulling him back to their cot and on his lap. Tommy put his head on Darnold’s back, while Darnold put his hands over Tommy’s and let himself melt into the embrace.

“Are, are you alright?” Tommy asked softly. Darnold exhaled a laugh and shook his head.

“Not really. I- I don’t know.” He brought one of Tommy’s hands up to his lips, kissing the back of it and holding it up to his face. “I was, really looking forward, to being out. And, going through the big, Science Team adventure, and, you know, it’d be hard, but we’d all make it out the other side, all, triumphant, and-“ He stopped and sighed. “I didn’t, know, it was going to be like this. I don’t regret doing it. I don’t regret a second. But I don’t- this isn’t how these kinds of stories are supposed to go.” Tommy nodded against his back.

“It’s not.” Tommy agreed. “…It’s- you, you’d think that being in a game, would mean everything works in an arc, with, plot points, and, stuff. And, I guess it’s, it’s kind of worked like that, but… I don’t know. It, it feels more like, we’re going through, life. It’s not all laid out, or, or something. It’s just, happening.” He paused in thought. “We- we can still, fix things, though. I- I know, there has to be a way, to fix it.” Tommy sighed and held Darnold tighter. “I’m- I’m sorry, we’re not, flying kites.” Darnold shifted around, facing Tommy and putting his forehead against his, simply shaking his head and putting his arms over his shoulders.

Perhaps there were comforting words they could’ve said to each other, and reassurances that it was all going to be alright. But it wouldn’t have meant anything- not compared to the quiet, honest vulnerability between them, and the softness of acceptance at the state of things.

Tonight, it was okay.

* * *

Josh took a shaky breath as he left the tent and started walking. Looking around the camp, it seemed like his dad and Benrey had gone to their respective tents for the night, leaving him out here, for the time being. Which was fine. But the conversation with Tommy and Darnold- it was good to have it, but it felt much more, final, than he wanted it to be.

But he also didn’t know if he’d have the chance to say goodbye, later. He steeled himself as he made his way over to Bubby and Dr. Coomer’s tent. When he got to the entrance, he cleared his throat and made himself known.

“I just, um, wanted to say goodnight.” He said. He shifted his weight back and forth on his feet as he waited for any response from inside. He heard a sniffle, someone sighing.

“Would you like to come in, Joshua?” He heard Dr. Coomer ask.

“Um… Yeah.” Josh responded before entering. Bubby hastily brought a hand up under his glasses, wiping his eyes while Dr. Coomer patted his own face with a handkerchief- Josh hoped it was a different one, from the one he let him use all the way back in the locker room. Seemed like a long, long time ago. Dr. Coomer gave him a small smile anyway and gestured to the cot opposite him to sit down. Josh did so, sitting in front of them, holding onto the side of it tight.

“Are you, doing, alright?” Bubby asked slowly, as if unsure of the words he was supposed to say.

“Uh. Sure.” Josh said with a sort of nervous laugh. “I, um- I just, wanted to, check in, with you guys, before, tomorrow, just, uh, make sure things were, alright. It’s okay if they’re not. Things, aren’t really alright, right now. I’m-“ Josh paused to take a breath. “I’m sorry. About everything. About all of this. And I’m, I’m really sorry about the shit I said at the ambush. And I’m sorry that you’ve had to put up with all this stuff for, like, the second time, and it sucks, and you shouldn’t- I’m-“

“Joshua,” Dr. Coomer gently said. “Thank you. But, our feelings are not your burden to bare. This- it’s, all out of our hands, but, I know, I had an excellent time, on our journey. It was a pleasure getting to meet you, and know you. And I wouldn’t have traded this for the world. I wish, it was ending, differently. But, I suppose, that’s tomorrow’s versions of ourselves to fret about.”

“I, uh, also wish, it was ending differently.” He said, his voice cracking slightly. “Sucks.”

“It fucking sucks.” Bubby said. “And I think if I have to deal with anymore of this shit, my brain is going to fucking shut down.” Bubby thought for a moment. “I don’t know, what’s going to happen, tomorrow. And I’m tired of thinking about it. So, if you want to, I might have a pretty good idea of what can happen right now.”

“What?” Josh asked.

“…You wanna light a bunch of shit on fire?”

* * *

As much as talking through feelings is necessary, there’s an understated catharsis in breaking everything apart. And Dr. Coomer, Bubby, and Josh ended up making a real game of it. Josh and Bubby competed against each other to see who could break the most crates with the two crowbars they had while Dr. Coomer broke the larger pieces apart with his hands- kindling. They whooped and hollered, Bubby proclaiming himself the high monarch of destruction, while Josh raced to take that title away from him. They all scrabbled around the campsite, picking up the broken pieces, and whatever else they found that could be potentially flammable, building up an impressive structure for a bonfire. The commotion brought the others out of their tents, but it wasn’t met with annoyance. It was the end of the world, for all they cared, and if it was the last night they had to enjoy themselves without doom impending ever closer, then they might as well have some kind of party.

Tommy and Darnold supplied enough sodas and mysterious potions to last all night. Gordon and Benrey worked together to break the remaining crates. And when all was said and done, and placed onto the tower, the Science Team, in their entirety, cheered Bubby on as he lit it, watching as it spread slowly at first, then engulfing it in flame, applauding as Bubby drank in the attention.

After the initial ruckus, things quieted down a little- not by much, but still. By the firelight, the team danced, and sang- even without the Sweet Voice, Benrey still very much had access to an embouchure no human person should have, which lead to lots of beeping, blipping covers of video game themes and 80s music while Josh tried to keep up. Meanwhile, Dr. Coomer got into arm wrestling matches with everyone, landing a particularly brutal defeat to Bubby, going off into a tangent about how _they’ve been married for so many years, and he couldn’t even let him win, just this once_ -! Tommy showed off his shotgunning skills with a ballpoint pen and a can of soda, challenging the others with overwhelming victories on his part. While Darnold, Josh, Gordon, and Benrey egged him on when they weren’t competing with him, Bubby and Dr. Coomer manned a “betting pool” made up of ammo, medkits, and a few passports. Varying shades of green Sweet Voice hung around different parts of the campsite, wherever Josh found himself, going along with and enjoying the antics of the Science Team.

Somewhere, in the back of his head, and perhaps, in everyone’s mind, hung the overwhelming idea of tomorrow. But maybe it was a testament to the human condition, that even in times of hardship, and adversity, that despite everything, there stood recognition. An appreciation of the base need to make light. To look at tragedy and choose radiance instead.

To understand that tonight, it was okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :'-) we're really in it now everybody
> 
> i feel like i say that on every chapter but it feels very true ksdfjhg
> 
> anyways !! i hope everyone is taking care of themselves,.,. being safe n healthy,.,. stayin happy,.,. drinkin water., all that good stuff. and i hope ur enjoying reading this as much as im enjoying writing it !!! thanks so much for interacting, whether it be commenting, kudoing, or making the little hits tally go up. genuinely shocked we have nearly 500 kudos (wtf!!!!!) like mamma mia !!! thank you all so much !!!!!


	20. Beginning of the End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Science Team prepares to head to Xen.

Morning came with melancholy. Yesterday’s problem came today, and there still wasn’t a solution found. And maybe there just wasn’t a solution at all. Josh sat a ways away from the campsite, needing some time to himself, before everyone woke up.

He hadn’t noticed the game had real day and night cycles. He idly wondered if they followed the typical twenty-four hours or not. All the same, Josh hadn’t really watched it, before, the sky above moving in a perfect arc as the stars faded into the purples and pinks of dawn, bathing the sun-bleached Black Mesa desert complex in colors more vibrant than he had seen in the game yet.

Pretty.

He stayed like that for a while, until he was joined by his dad, sitting next to him. It was still early- early enough for him to know more likely than not, it was just them. They stayed quiet for a while, Gordon throwing an arm over his shoulder as they watched the sun rise with the world. Until Josh sighed.

“…You remember when I was really into cowboys?” He asked. Gordon couldn’t help exhaling a laugh.

“Can’t forget.” He smiled. He held up a hand at about eye-height in his sitting position. “I remember, when you were about this tall, and if you had a nightmare or something, you’d come running into my room and wouldn’t go back to sleep until I sung-“

“-Until you sung the theme from Rawhide.” Josh finished with a small laugh. “You did the voice and everything.”

“Honestly? It was the only cowboy-adjacent song I knew. ‘N that’s just ‘cause the Dead Kennedys covered it.” Gordon joked. They sat in silence for a few moments longer.

“Dad, I’m- don’t, don’t tell the team, but, I’m, scared.” Josh said softly. “I don’t- I just… I know, I have to be brave. And I will be. And, like, I know, if there’s a chance we can leave here, we gotta beat the game, and, you know, I’ll suck it up and deal with it. I’m just, scared.” Gordon tsked before hugging Josh tight, the hold quickly reciprocated.

“You don’t _have_ to be brave. You don’t have to be anything, or do anything.” He said gently. He felt Josh sigh against his shoulder.

“I- I could try to get to the void again, maybe. And, like, find G-Man, but, I, you know, if he doesn’t want to be seen, he won’t show up.” He pulled back from the hug slowly with a kind of breathless, nervous laugh. “I’ve got, like, final boss powers, n’ I still can’t do anything I need to do.”

“Josh-“ Gordon started, pausing to get his thoughts together. “I’m not going to let anything happen to you. We’ll- nobody’s fighting anyone, and, we’re gonna get out of here, and get home safe. That’s the only outcome I’m accepting today, and we’re going to make it happen, no matter what.”

“…Would it be easier if I just left?”

“What?”

“Nobody’s awake yet, right? I can just, um, clip through stuff, and, see you guys on Xen, later. I don’t know, I’m- I don’t want you guys to feel guilty, about, what might happen. I don’t want you to drag me along all day feeling, bad. I just- I know what’s gonna happen. Everyone’s gonna be awkward and quiet all day, and we’re gonna get through everything, and it’s not… Like, a lot of shit has happened, and it sucks, but like, it’s still been fun, sometimes. Like, it’s sucked, but it hasn’t sucked, because of the team. But now there’s all this shit, and it’s gonna be sad, and, I don’t- I don’t know. I don’t want to be dead weight.”

“You’re not dead weight.” Gordon started. “I… I really, really, don’t want you, to go. And, I don’t think, anyone on the team, wants you to, either. But, if, that’s what you decide to do, I’m not going to stop you. You know what you have to do for you, and I’m supporting you unconditionally.” Gordon sighed, feeling his heart in his throat. “Do you want time alone to think about it?”

“…Yeah.” He said quietly. Gordon nodded.

“Okay.” He took a deep breath, putting a hand on his son’s shoulder. “If I don’t see you, before Xen, I’m- know that, no matter what, I’m in your corner.” He gave him a small smile. “And, every day, I wonder how I got so lucky to have a son like you.”

It was Josh’s turn to pull his dad into a hug, a shaky breath escaping him as he held tight.

They stayed like that for a while, until, with a pat on the back, they let go, and Gordon made his way to the campsite, the desert sun at his back, waiting until he got far enough away to wipe tears away from his eyes and anticipate the rest of the team to wake up.

* * *

The morning went on slowly. Eventually, the others woke up, starting to gather their weapons together and pack up their belongings, not bothering to clean up the site from last night- no one felt like it really mattered, anyway. They sat around the embers of the bonfire, waiting, while Gordon felt the ball of anxiety in his gut tighten.

“…Gordon?” Dr. Coomer broke the silence. “Will Joshua be joining us, today?” Gordon exhaled deeply.

“I, um, I don’t know, Dr. Coomer. He was kinda hesitant, to come with, this morning. Didn’t, um… Didn’t want us to feel bad.” He said. He looked up at the sky, the sun bright and full, surrounded by the striking desert blue. “I feel like I shouldn’t have to make sure, but, when we get to Xen, today, we’re not- if Josh- we’re not fighting him. Like. Period.”

“Who the hell do you take us for? Of course not.” Bubby started.

“I don’t know! A lot of fucked up shit’s happened! We’ve done a lot of fucked up shit before!”

“Gordon, there are few teenagers I would ‘Throw Hands’ with, and Joshua is not one of them!” Dr. Coomer said.

“Fuck no, dude.” Benrey continued. “Like, yeah, we’re all fucked up, but, like, no.”

“No, yeah, you don’t worry about us.” Darnold joined in. “That’s… Yeah.”

“We’ll- we’ll figure out a way, to get you both home, Mr. Freeman. A way that isn’t- that.” Tommy concluded.

“Okay. Okay, I just- I had to, you know, make sure.” Gordon relented before sighing. “…I guess it might be time to get going, though.”

The last of the weapons were strapped on, the more heavy-duty artillery being left for last. Bubby put the Gluon on his back while Dr. Coomer slung _The Big One_ over his arm. Benrey opted to take the Gauss. All that was left was one crowbar, the crossbow, and the sheath of arrows. Gordon took them, putting the crossbow on his back, the sheath over his shoulder and the crowbar in its holder at his side as he gathered himself. While he decided to take one of the MP-5’s, he didn’t want to leave Josh’s weapons here, either. He wasn’t in the right mental place to interrogate why.

Benrey was at his side, putting a hand on his shoulder. Gordon nodded. They didn’t really need words between them.

“You guys ready?” Gordon asked to the team.

“No,” Said a voice beyond the group. “You took my stuff.” Josh continued, tone light as he made his way over to Gordon and held out his hands. “I know the crossbow is super cool, but if you want it, you can ask, next time.”

“Good morning, Joshua!” Dr. Coomer said. “We weren’t sure you’d be coming along!” Gordon cringed slightly- Dr. Coomer was not a student in the art of subtlety. Josh didn’t seem to mind, though- he shrugged as Gordon returned his items.

“I mean, you know, we’re still ‘all or nothing’, right?” He asked, slinging the arrows over his shoulder. “Even if, uh, what that means, kinda, changed, a bit.”

“Well, then, a rousing huzzah for the Science Team Two!” Dr. Coomer exclaimed.

“Huzzah,” Josh said, somewhat reserved, but a small smile on his face nonetheless. He looked at the motley crew around him, meeting his eyes as he contemplated the state of things- he couldn’t help but expel a laugh. What a strange little family they made.

Oh. Huh.

That wasn’t too far off, actually. And he was okay with that. And if he had to face the end of the game with anybody, he was glad it was with the team.

“Well. Big day!” Josh said, urging the group onwards. He turned and started walking to the bunker, heading back into the facility, as the gang quickly caught up, everyone heading in together.

“Don’t make us wait so long, next time. Very impolite.” Bubby said, flashing a knowing look down at Josh from under his glasses, letting him in on the joke he was building up to. “Honestly, who raised you?”

With that, the team exploded into boisterous conversation, Gordon arguing that Benrey and Bubby have definitely had some influence in the past few days, Benrey arguing back that he’s actually the most polite of everyone (ever), Dr. Coomer coming to Bubby’s defense, Tommy, Darnold and Josh adding in bits to the debate, but mostly just listening in as the others took over.

Maybe there was still a little more fun to eke out of the game yet.

* * *

“They’re so _cute_ ,” Josh gasped as he slowly picked up a red, isopod looking creature. It made a sort of cat-adjacent mew at being held. “Hold gentle like hamburger.” He said, more to himself, already emotionally attached. Benrey picked one up too.

“Like hamburger.” Benrey echoed, mimicking how Josh was holding it.

“That’s- those are _snarks_!” Tommy said. “They’re- they’re gonna go, buckwild in, about, ten seconds, unless, unless you throw them, at something!”

“But they’re just _little_ -” Josh started, before the door they were all near got kicked open. They found themselves in some sort of garage-area, apparently, a spot for an ambush, a military squad busting through, guns blazing. Dr. Coomer’s aptly named _Big One_ shook him as he started firing, while the snarks Josh and Benrey had previously been holding sprang into action, launching themselves at the boot-boys. It was almost funny, how they bounced off the walls surrounding them, and it would’ve been adorable if they weren’t viciously tearing them apart. Dr. Coomer stopped shooting, the snarks taking ample care of the combatants. All they could really do was watch the carnage.

The one Josh had been holding made another very cute noise, despite being covered in blood, as it returned to his side, rearing itself up like it wanted to be picked up again. He did just that, giving it a tentative, soft pat on the head.

“Huh,” Tommy said. “They’re- they usually, just, turn on whoever’s left, and then, explode.”

“Huh,” Josh agreed, giving it a scratch under, what he assumed to be, its chin. He slowly turned over to his dad, a rather expectant look on his face.

“We _cannot_ keep the snark.” Gordon sighed. Josh groaned.

“This is _just_ like Pamplemousse.”

“You love holding Pamplemousse over my head. She was Ms. Michaelson’s cat, we had to bring her back.”

“Just like Pamplemousse.” He reiterated, shaking his head as he gave the creature a final pet and returned it to its little coven.

* * *

Bubby practically sprinted to the Cadillac, leaning over the door and throwing the glovebox open, revealing the keys inside. But then he did something very surprising- tossed them over to Josh, who fumbled, but caught them nonetheless.

“You know how to drive, right?” Bubby asked.

“You-“ Josh looked over to the car, a rose-pink, old-style convertible, almost innocently sitting in its parking space. Despite everything, this may have been one of the most intimidating foes he’d come across yet. He looked hesitantly over to his dad, who gave him a thumbs up. “-You sure, man? This is, like, a nice car-“

“Not my car. You could wreck the damn thing if you wanted.” Bubby said, sliding himself fully over the door, not bothering to open it, and placing himself in the front middle seat. Bubby got himself situated while Dr. Coomer opened the door, putting himself in the passenger seat next to him.

Well. He had to get his permit hours in one way or another. Josh got into the driver’s seat, already running through his pre-driving mental checklist, adjusting all the mirrors and looking for the seatbelts (there weren’t any). When he went to check the blinkers, he could almost hear Bubby roll his eyes.

“Josh, we’ve killed every cop and boot-boy here, you’re not going to get a tail-light ticket.”

“He’s just being safe, Bubby.” Gordon said- looking in the rearview mirror, Josh could see him and Tommy were squished into the middle seat, Benrey and Darnold on either side of them.

“Um, actually-“ Benrey started with a lip smack. “Uh, I’m getting, lots of clear, violations, of, rules, here. Do- do you even have your _license_?” He said, just in the very same way he asked Gordon for his passport all those years ago.

“Yeah, he’s got his license. Right here.” Bubby said, turning around and throwing his middle finger up at Benrey. Benrey inspected it for a moment before promptly biting Bubby’s hand, making him recoil back. “Did you just fucking bite me?!”

“Uh, being rude, that’s a felony.”

As Bubby and Benrey continued to argue, Josh took a deep breath, steeling himself. All the same, Bubby was right. He put the key in the ignition and turned the engine over, feeling the car lurch to life, silently thankful that his dad’s car was a stick-shift, too, as he reversed out of the parking space and started making his way out of the garage, slowly but surely. But the straight-away nature of the area did encourage him. Much to Bubby’s delight, Josh quickly got more confident in moving the vehicle, ending up going fast enough for wind to whip through the open space of the car. He couldn’t tell if it was him or Bubby sending peals of somewhat maniacal laughter echoing through the corridor as they rushed through, but judging by the green Sweet Voice trailing behind them, he definitely had some part in the noise. Benrey was shouting variations on “Road trip!” that got less and less comprehensible as the car sped forward. Looking in the mirror, it seemed like Tommy and Darnold were also enjoying themselves, while his dad white-knuckled the seat.

“Joshua, there’s a large wall up ahead!” Dr. Coomer yelled cheerfully over the commotion.

“We can bust through it!” Bubby encouraged.

But Josh wasn’t about to risk that- he hit the brake and the clutch, jerky, at first, as he threw the shift. The car skittered to a stop, just before said large wall, the front of the car gently tapping it as the group was thrown into the sun once again. Josh put the car in park and turned off the ignition, sitting back and releasing a breathless laugh. Was that a joyride? Sure felt like it. As they got out of the car and started walking forward to the next part, some air-strike puzzle beyond a gate, Dr. Coomer clapped a hand on Josh’s back, nearly taking the wind out of him.

“Excellent driving, Joshua!” He said. Josh coughed.

“Thanks, Dr. Coomer.” He responded, catching his breath.

“Have I told you about the time I turned into a car?” Bubby chimed in.

“What?” Josh asked, positive he misheard that.

Apparently, he didn’t, as Bubby launching into his story while the group pushed onwards.

* * *

Josh, Tommy and Darnold found themselves deep in conversation while the rest of the team fiddled with a panel of switches and buttons- rather, Gordon tried to solve the current radiation-cooling-pool-conundrum while Bubby, Benrey, and Dr. Coomer provided “helpful” commentary.

“Okay, what about… This one?” Josh asked before taking a deep breath and singing out Sweet Voice. It was really odd, to suddenly have a massive vocal range, including pitches that any human really shouldn’t be able to produce. He mostly stuck to as normal of a parameter as he could, not very fond of how the especially high notes made his head feel. But, with Tommy’s help, they discovered he didn’t necessarily have to be feeling a certain way to make particular colors when singing- if he sang the right notes at the right pitches, he could have any colors he wanted. The more involuntary Sweet Voice happened specifically when a certain emotion overwhelmed him, spilling out without singing.

Tommy only needed a brief moment to study these bubbles before he nodded.

“Green to pink means ‘I like how you think’!” He said. Sweet Voice from the remaining experiments still illuminated the room, along with the electric, clear blue of the radiation pools, it was starting to look more like a rave than a lab.

“What if it was pink to green?” Josh asked.

“That one is, is usually, ‘Let’s convene’!” Tommy replied. “There’s a basic meaning for your, ROY G. BIV colors, but, but a lot of it, depends on context, and then the rhymes just, help me remember.” He continued. Josh took one of the green spheres idly floating along, passing it back and forth between his hands gently.

“Hey, Darnold,” Josh started. “This might make a pretty good starting place for figuring out, uh, evil flavor.”

“Oh, maybe.” Darnold considered. “Do you have an, evil, emotion?” Josh pondered that.

“I don’t know. I mean. I’ve got, like, angry, and, fear? Those aren’t necessarily, evil, though.” Darnold nodded.

“That’s what I’ve been grappling with in my own tests.” He said. “I’m realizing it might be easier to start off with some more, base emotions, rather than diving head-first into morality quandaries. Maybe take what I learn from that to create the truly evil flavor.” Josh tossed the green orb over to Darnold, it slowly floating towards him before he caught it, testing the consistency of it before it popped like a bubble in his hands, dissipating without a trace.

“Damn,” Josh said. “They don’t really last too long, huh? But, I think, green is, like, positive?”

“Green is a base safety or, or friendly!” Tommy added. “The, the rhyme I use is ‘Green means ‘they’re not mean’.', but, you could be referring to yourself, or others!” Tommy paused for a moment. “I think, it’s really interesting, to think about, the color theory applications, behind, Sweet Voice. I mean, it’s, it’s Xen stuff, but it uses, you know, human color theory. Like, like how red is more, negatively connotated, or, how blue is, calming, mostly.”

“That is interesting.” Darnold agreed. “How _do_ you account for the human color spectrum? How different is it from a Xen alien? What if- I mean, is it a mantis shrimp situation, or?” Josh idly blew out another few spheres of Sweet Voice as Darnold and Tommy continued talking. These ones were a royal blue, this time- that was the easiest to make in his natural vocal range. He grabbed one, putting it on the back of his hand and rolling it across his arm and shoulders until it reached his other hand. He popped his elbow up, sending the orb floating back to the ceiling.

“Yooo, ha ha, what was that, bro?” Benrey suddenly asked from the panel. Looked like Dr. Coomer, Bubby, and Gordon were actually trying to figure it out- he must’ve gotten bored.

“I was really into teppanyaki chefs for a bit.” Josh replied. “Tried to learn some stuff. That’s, like, a trick you do with an onion. But, you know, they also, like, come back down, usually.” He looked back up to the ceiling before continuing. “Like, I’m still into teppanyaki chefs, but, it’s _really hard_ to be entertaining on top of everything else you gotta do.”

“I dunno, that was pretty cool.” Benrey said. Josh laughed.

“Thanks, man. It’s, like, the only trick I can do.” Josh jumped up, taking another orb and tossing it over to Benrey. He caught it and looked back at him. “You wanna try?”

“Fuck yeah, bro.”

Josh started walking him through the steps, making more Sweet Voice when the spheres they had either popped or floated too far away. A nice application for it- entertaining. Benrey tried to show him his own tricks he remembered from when he had it. Tommy and Darnold also joined in at one point, all experimenting with the playful bounds of Sweet Voice as the team continued to make their way forwards.

* * *

Josh thought he recognized this place. Realized that a little too late.

The team had been heading up the teleporter shaft, moving one at a time on the platforms. Nobody could quite remember what order to go in, but they’d all end up at the same place eventually, right?

Benrey and Tommy were ahead of him, jumping into one of the three possible teleportation globes. Josh watched as they appeared on the other side of the glass wall separating them, encouraging him to go forward. Josh took a deep breath- nearly done. Just another jump. His dad was close by, and Dr. Coomer, Bubby, and Darnold were on the level below him, and even if they did get separated, they’d all make it through.

But the spinning platforms weren’t helping, and neither was the vertigo he got looking down the towering structure. Which threshold did Benrey and Tommy go through? He was just eager to get off of the carousel, more than anything. As the platform spun over to the next opening, he jumped through, closing his eyes, catching green flashing in his vision anyway before the world stopped and he was able to look again as a creeping dread crawled up his spine.

He definitely recognized it here. The destruction prominent, the electrical wiring still fizzing on the floor, the fluorescents flickering dimly. Of course, last time he was here, he had a gun for an arm, but it still seemed useless against the prototypes when they rushed him. He felt his heart pounding furiously in his chest, just waiting for them to come back. He really didn’t want to say anything to Bubby or Dr. Coomer, but the incident with the clones and the prototypes unsettled him more than he was willing to say. Another part of the glitching experience he wasn’t trying to relive. He gripped the crowbar tighter, having originally been holding it as some kind of extra balance on the previous platforms, but back to using it as a weapon, now, as he held his breath waiting for any kind of noise.

Which might’ve been why the sudden, loud but familiar zap of the teleporter working caught him so off-guard, enough to startle a shout out of him, swinging the crowbar wildly. All the pent up nervous energy expelled in his motions, along with yellow Sweet Voice, until he was stopped.

“Josh,” His dad said. “It’s okay, bud, it’s just me,” He quickly reassured. “You’re okay.” Josh still breathed heavily, still gripping the crowbar tight, but ceasing the movements.

Even in the faint light, Gordon could see his son’s wide eyes, the fear apparent as he stepped into the hallway, keeping his tone as gentle as possible. But as he came forward, Josh lowered the crowbar, visibly sighing in relief. He still looked tense, but quickly joined him. He put a hand on his back, keeping a firm weight there to help calm him down. Josh put a hand up to his own head, rubbing the shaved side of his hair in the self-soothing motion Gordon was familiar with.

“Just you and me.” Gordon continued to comfort. Josh looked up at him.

“No prototypes?”

Oh.

“Nah, bud. We’re okay.” He said. Josh nodded. “You need a minute, or do you wanna get back with the group?” Josh considered that before taking a more stabilizing inhale, exhaling slowly.

“Let’s get going.” He responded.

Gordon patted his back as they started slowly down the hall, Josh still holding the crowbar out, Gordon staying by his side and taking the walk at his pace.

“Dad?” Josh asked suddenly.

“Yeah?”

“Is, here, why you don’t like the dark?” Motioning vaguely to the whole of the space- Gordon got the hint; he was just talking about the game in general.

“…Yeah.” Gordon said. Oof. He always thought he hid that, somewhat. Not well enough.

But he didn’t have to hide this stuff anymore, from him. And he probably shouldn’t have in the first place. But he couldn’t control the past- it just mattered how he reacted now. Just like Benrey said. And now, his son was looking to him as some kind of guide to navigating the new fear in him.

“Yeah.” Josh said back. He paused, before suddenly expelling a small laugh. “Not really getting out of here, uh, unscathed, I guess.”

“No, maybe not.” Gordon said gently. “But, you know I’m here for you. We’re all here for you. Got a big, weird, dangerous fam-“ Gordon stopped himself, trying to brush past the very unexpected slip. “- _support system_.” He quickly corrected.

“It’s okay. I kind of- I think of them as family, too. Big, weird, dangerous family.” Gordon gave him a small smile as he opened up a door and let himself in, Josh trailing in after him.

Josh noticed the room was the same as last time, too, minus the threat of the prototypes at the door, and without the glitching. Much more serene, the glowing orange sphere at the end of the room, which he now recognized as a teleporter, still waiting for them.

Josh started walking towards it- now it was Gordon’s turn to be concerned. He remembered this part, specifically. All too well.

“Wait,” Gordon started. “I think this is the one.”

“The one?” Josh asked.

“This is gonna take us to the last lab, before…”

“Oh.” Josh swallowed. “Are you sure? Tommy and Benrey-“

“Yeah. That room was a dead end.”

“Ah.”

Silence draped like a blanket through the room, nothing but the soft, white noise the portal created. Josh shifted back and forth on his feet.

“You don’t have to do this.” Gordon said softly. “Josh, I- I don’t know, what’s going to be on Xen, and, I don’t know what I’d do with myself if something happened-“

“Dad- I- don’t, talk me out of this. Please.” Josh said, more imploring, than anything.

“I can’t- I’m not going to fight you. None of us are, and, I physically _can’t_ -”

“Well, you don’t have to.” He said simply. “But we gotta get you home. And the way to get there’s through Xen. So. Yeah.”

Unwaveringly magnanimous. To a fault. But Gordon knew Josh was scared- just like him. There had to be a way to fix this, and he wasn’t accepting anything else than him and his son getting home. But there was nothing to do but keep moving forward, the unstoppable march of code and time beating in his ears. Gordon exhaled a shaky breath before pulling Josh into a hug, putting a hand on the back of his head as he felt Josh relax, if only a little. The very least he could do was pretend to be braver than he felt. For his son.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Dad.”

With a deep sigh, Josh let go, finishing the walk to the portal, turning and giving a wave to his dad before entering, the room flashing green as Gordon shielded his eyes. For not the first, or last time today, Gordon steeled himself, and went through the portal.

* * *

They went through the final motions before Xen. The Science Team got to the final stockroom, loading up on ammunition and extra weapons. Josh and Gordon charged up their HEV suits while Tommy inspected the medkits- there was quite a supply, so Tommy ended up taking a few, just in case, while Benrey rooted through the ones left behind, looking for something.

The downcast mood Josh had been dreading all day was starting to rear its head- but it was the Science Team expressing this sentiment, after all, so it wasn’t as depressing as it could’ve been. Dr. Coomer gave him a bone-crushing hug, lifting him up in the air while squeezing the life out of him before setting him down, leaving Josh to stumble, slightly. Bubby gave him a much more gentle pat on the back. Darnold and Tommy gave him a hug at the same time.

Josh slung a new sheath of arrows over his shoulder, considering whether he should take his weapons with him at all if, what could happen, happened, until a familiar voice interrupted him.

“Hey.” Benrey said. Josh turned around, a small smile on his face.

“Hey,” He replied. “Got everything, for, um, Xen?” Benrey shrugged.

“I know you don’t.”

Josh looked at him quizzically before Benrey walked over to him, holding his hand out. Josh held his hand underneath it, and Benrey dropped two orange ear plugs into his palm. Josh looked back up at him.

“Dumb ass medkits have weird drop rates.” Benrey explained. “I- uh- after, the ambush, I saw, you didn’t have them, anymore, and, I kept fuckin’, looking in all the medkits, and none of them had ear plugs, and maybe it was a glitch they were in one so early in the game, and, like, I don’t know, maybe it’s too late now, but, it might be loud, there, so-“

Benrey was suddenly cut off by two arms getting wrapped around him, Josh burying his face in the shoulder of his security vest. Benrey stumbled backward before catching himself, taking a moment to process before putting his arms back around Josh and letting the moment lie quiet.

Human.

“Thanks, man. I really appreciate it.” Josh said as he pulled back, beginning to roll one of the earplugs between his fingers to flatten it down.

“Don’t worry about it, bro, we- uh, you know, epic gamers gotta look out for each other.” He said. Somehow, Josh understood the subtext underneath it. A sort of shared experience between them, something Benrey had gone through, and something Josh was about to. “Just, you know, be safe.” Josh nodded.

“I will. You too.” Josh said, putting in the earplugs and walking down to the hallway to meet up with the rest of the team. Benrey was about to join him, until he looked up, catching Gordon’s eye. He gave him a soft smile.

“Hey, Feetman.” Benrey said. Gordon laughed and rolled his eyes.

“As soon as I figure out an embarrassing nickname for you, it’s over.” Gordon replied jokingly before joining Benrey’s side, taking a moment before continuing. “Benrey- you, you know you’re a good person, right?”

“Wh- yeah, bro, the game-“ Benrey started, taken aback.

“Outside of the game.” Gordon said. “Like, you’re not a good person because the game tells you. It’s something you do. And you do good.”

“…I cut off your fucking hand, man.” Benrey said quietly, like he’d been holding onto it for too long and it spilled out over him. “I made that happen. I- I got your hand cut off, I tried to hurt all you guys at Xen, I fuckin’, called Josh shit when you showed me his baby picture, bro, I didn’t even, fuckin’ _know_ you yet, I’m not- like, you’ve got all this shit, you’ve had to work through, because of me. I’m just- I’m sorry, man. I’m really, really sorry. You shouldn’t-“

“Benrey,” Gordon stopped him, putting a hand against his cheek. “If, if I can’t apologize a thousand times over, neither can you. So, listen. We’ve both spent a lot of time, hurting. And I’m tired. And, I think, deep down, I forgave you a long time ago, even if I didn’t entirely, you know, recognize it.” He took a breath, gathering his thoughts. “Like, yeah, there’s a lot of shit, but, take your own advice, man. We can’t change what happened, but, what matters is, how we react to it, now. So, it’s okay.” Benrey exhaled slowly, taking the time to process his words.

“Pretty gay shit, Gordon.” He settled on saying, voice shaky all the same.

“First name and everything, I’m flattered.” Gordon responded.

Benrey reached a hand up to the one holding his cheek, pressing it firmly against his face, mirroring a motion Gordon did with him a long time ago, the position reversed, but the care, the feeling behind it all the same. And for a moment, it was almost like fifteen years hadn’t passed at all. He felt the gaps in between Gordon’s fingers as he took hold of his hand, bringing it down next to his side and squeezing. Gordon held it back just as tight as they walked down the hall, joining the rest of the team.

In a final push, the Science Team mowed through the enemies coming through the teleporter as it got turned on. Dr. Coomer rattled out sprays of bullets from his gun, Benrey and Bubby teamed up as they blasted aliens with the Gluon and the Gauss. Darnold and Tommy stood back to back, circling each other as they took out the aliens suddenly shifting into the world. But even in the chaos, they all worked harmonious, everyone protecting everyone, not out of obligation, or instinct, but of genuine care.

To keep their family safe.

The portal flared hard blue light, reflecting off the walls as the remaining aliens were taken out in the burst.

“It’s- it’s ready to go!” Tommy called out. Josh turned to his dad, unsure, until Gordon took his place at his side, encouraging. And Benrey joined them, standing next to Gordon with the same determination. Darnold placed himself to Josh’s left, giving him a nod as Tommy joined them. Dr. Coomer and Bubby came over, and the team formed, backlit by the unearthly blue. They stood, together, until Josh lead the charge in, running with the team behind him, making the leap and hitting the edge of the portal as the world flashed green and his vision went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy shit. this is really happening huh. im kind of !! in shock and awe !! we're getting down to the wire everybody!! and there's an official end to this!! its all so exciting !!!
> 
> as always i hope you all are enjoying reading this as much as im enjoying writing this. comments/kudos r always appreciated but just thank u so much for reading !!!!


	21. Final Reflection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Science Team arrives on Xen. They contemplate the state of things.  
> \--  
> CW for body horror in description of Xen and the final boss- if that's a squick/trigger for you, when you get to "Was this supposed to feel like home?" on Tommy's passage, skip that paragraph, and then beginning from "...the ground at the center of the cave opened, water cascading down into the pit as something began to make its way out.", skip that whole long paragraph.

He groaned, at first, as he came to, realizing he was lying flat on his back before sighing deeply and opening his eyes, observing the new surroundings. It was kind of beautiful here, he noted, looking at the blue-green, star-speckled sky, emission nebulas making towering clouds that he could maybe touch if he just reached a hand out. Maybe not. But the idea was nice. 

Josh probably couldn’t stay here forever, though. He sat up, steadying himself in a focused effort, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. As he sat up, trying to get some feeling back in his body, he found he was on something solid- a flat topped, rocky platform, similar to the ones he’d seen Benrey drawing a few nights ago. He looked down at himself, inspecting his hands, his legs, going through his mental checklist of making sure he still had all his stuff. He reached a hand up to the side of his face- still had the earplugs. That was nice. 

Was he supposed to feel any different? He half-expected something to be wrong. But for all intents and purposes, he was still very much himself.

Something caught his attention- a whistle, obviously going along to some melody. Josh turned to the sound, finding Benrey sitting at the edge of the rock, his legs swung over the side. He seemed to be focused on something else, his hands out in front of his face, and it didn’t click in Josh’s head until he heard the camera flash. This, of all places, Benrey was taking pictures and singing to himself.

“Is that Yoshi’s Island?” Josh asked.

“Bowser’s Castle theme. Fuckin’ bops.” Benrey replied, turning back to give Josh a once over, then go back to whatever he was taking pictures of. “You’re still short.”

“What?” Josh started. “Where… Is, everyone? What is this?”

Almost as soon as he spoke, the distinct sound of the portal and a flash of green bathed the platform, followed by a dull “oof”. Josh turned, seeing his dad stumbling onto the rock. He caught his eye, and there wasn’t a second later that Gordon went over to him, putting his hands on his shoulders and breathing a sigh of relief.

“You’re okay,” He said, gathering himself, before amending the statement. “I- are you okay? You feeling alright?”

“Yeah, ‘m okay.” Josh nodded his head. “Should, uh, should I not be?”

“I mean- Last time, um…” Gordon looked over to Benrey before adjusting. “I mean, you’re- you look like you.” Gordon said, trying to work out everything going through his head. “That’s- that’s good.” 

“Don’t sound too disappointed.” Josh joked. Gordon couldn’t help exhaling a sudden laugh before hugging Josh and letting the anxiety that had been building up in his chest all day loosen, if only a little. Another flash resounded around the area as Tommy and Darnold came through, followed close behind by Dr. Coomer and Bubby.

“Joshua! You’re not existentially horrifying!” Dr. Coomer said warmly.

“Brutal vibe check.” Josh commented. 

Something really was supposed to happen here. But it hadn’t. There was a strange mixture of relief and a relentless tension in the air. Something had changed, but no one knew what that meant, yet, or if it was for the better or not. Josh looked down at his hands again, inspecting them to really make sure nothing was going on, but sure enough, he was still him. He furrowed his brow- this seemed, almost, anticlimactic. He was definitely glad, at the moment, nothing was wrong with him, but now he had to sit and stew with anxiety about what, or when, something might happen. He looked back up to the team. 

“Now what?” He asked, met with the same confusion he had. 

“Benrey, how’re you feeling?” Gordon asked. Benrey shrugged, taking one last picture of the area before putting his camera away and joining the group.

“I-D-K.” He said, enunciating each letter. “Uh. You know. Weird, being here, but, like, I don’t feel fucked up, so.”

“Huh. I mean, that’s good. I think.” Gordon thought. “Is everyone else… Okay?” There were nods and sounds of agreement around before the team was thrown into a somewhat awkward silence.

“Should we just, keep going?” Josh asked hesitantly. 

“I- I don’t think, there’s another option.” Tommy said. Josh nodded.

“Just- tell us, if you feel… Anything.” Gordon said cautiously to Josh. Despite having done all this before, the situation was still entirely new, uncharted territory that he wasn’t sure how to navigate. 

With a shaky feeling all around, the team nonetheless pushed onward, making their way into Xen.

* * *

This was all very hard to process, frankly. Questions raced through Darnold’s head as the group made their way down the rocky ledges. Gravity was much lower here, and with the help of his jet boots, each landing was gentle and low impact, holding onto Tommy’s hand as they drifted down. 

In literally, any other situation, this could’ve been a scientific marvel. He wondered how he was even able to breathe here without any assistive gear, since, after all, this _was_ space. He wondered how the biology of the aliens developed, how Xen itself formed and adapted to become such a hostile environment, how, alive, the world seemed- rather than Earth, they were traversing on something that was distinctly sentient, and did not want them here. 

But it was a game. That was the fact-of-the-matter answer for everything. He was in a game, he’d been in a game the whole time, and everything wasn’t real. And he probably should’ve figured it out, sooner. He should’ve known the day he got the internship at Black Mesa. He should’ve known the second in one of his undergrad philosophy classes, when his professor jokingly brought up the classic, “What if we’re all brains in jars and this is a simulation” theory that every person who doesn’t actually understand philosophy thinks philosophers spend their time wondering about. 

Apparently, he should’ve paid more attention to that. Or not? If all that wasn’t real anyway?

Honestly? He really couldn’t actually find it in himself to fret over what was real or not. He’s nonetheless lived a very full life- he’s still got a very full life to continue. So they can’t leave the game. Okay. It sucks, and he’s not that eager to be back in an empty void, but things have to be different this time- there’s probably a way to transfer their data over to, somewhere. Somewhere far, far away from Xen, and Black Mesa- as good as the funding has been to him, he needs a vacation. He needs a vacation with _Tommy_. He’s always wanted to go to some big city, get lost in the art scene, spend a few weeks hopping from museum to museum, walking in parks, going to the theatre. He may be a man of science, but contrary to popular belief, the sciences and the arts aren’t mutually exclusive and, he’s found, work better together than apart.

That was nice to think about. It was a lot better to focus on that than the much more daunting reality of their current situation. If asked a few days ago, he would’ve never guessed himself to be the type to do any of this. And he probably would’ve continued to be like that, if the past fifteen years hadn’t shaped him so much. Despite the stasis, it still hit him like a brick in the chest when he realized how long it had truly been- how much time had passed since he’d seen anybody. 

During Gordon’s run, during the first Resonance Cascade, he spent six days taking shelter in his laboratory, the threats from outside all too much to reckon with. He really thought everyone he worked with, everybody he was friends with, anyone inside of Black Mesa, was dead, and by some mercy or cruelty, he survived. Until the Science Team showed up- well, some kind of Science Team. Some kind of one-track mind, focused on getting ammunition, focused on raiding the place for anything that could assist them on their journey ahead. Tommy was different, then, too. Of course they were overjoyed to see each other, but the circumstances they found themselves in were too big for both of them, it seemed. 

Darnold wondered a lot about that day. If he should’ve come with them anyway. He knew he did what was best for him. And he thinks even if he had come along, he would’ve been woefully unprepared in every sense of the word. But he did what he could, and isn’t that what mattered? He helped Gordon. He helped the Science Team. He liked helping, but he was also very aware of his boundaries, and having five people caked in blood and alien viscera, one missing a hand, while another messed up his torrenting software, and another tried to blast portals into his lab, and another shot holes in the wall like it was going out of style, while Tommy- Tommy was somewhat vacant. Somewhere far away. A little better once he found his hat- that stupid joke propeller cap that Tommy and Darnold found at a novelty store, and just had to buy, a hat they’d take turns wearing when the other was feeling down, just to cheer them up a bit, because it’s very hard to stay upset when the man you love is wearing a dinky little hat with a propeller on top of it, isn’t it? What other choice do you have besides pulling him down on the couch with you and covering his face in kisses and holding him and forgetting about whatever melancholy plagued you moments ago.

And Darnold wondered if maybe Tommy put it on in his lab, during the first Resonance Cascade, to make him feel better. As if a promise, that he’d see him at home later, with Sunkist, and after all of this was over, they’d get take out and watch a bad soap opera they both loved to make fun of, and everything would be okay. And maybe that’s why he didn’t come. Because he’d just, see him at home. And they were both still alive. And Tommy was still trying to make him happy. 

He watched Tommy take out a swarm of Peeper-Puppies, the recoil from his gun throttling his shoulder back rhythmically, releasing a breath as he took Darnold’s hand again and kept moving onwards. Darnold squeezed his hand back.

This was all, a lot. And there was a lot he wasn’t thinking about, for the purpose of keeping his own sanity about him. But Black Mesa was always kind of weird like this. Having a partner more left-of-human than not kind of, sort of mentally prepared him. Sure, aliens are real. Sure, your father may be some kind of eldritch space god- Darnold cared more about how he had treated Tommy over the years than whatever interdimensional stuff was happening. 

But now he was here, and he was with the Science Team, and there was still hope. For all his classes, for all the work he put into his degrees, for all the proofs and theorems he studied and extrapolated on, if anybody, he was sure he had enough academic backing to say how important hope was. How necessary it is. Yes, he’s scared, and he’s going to have a lot to unpack when he finally, _finally_ gets home, but he is going to get home. If the hand in his own means anything, it’s that they’re going to get home. And Darnold’s riding off that and clinging to it just as tight as Tommy’s holding his hand back. 

There’s hope, and it doesn’t matter if they’re not getting _out_ , because they’re going to get _home_.

* * *

With every warp through every portal, there was a deeper anxiety fixing its way into Tommy’s chest. Things were okay, so far, but what if this is the reset the game needs to fix itself? To make the cosmic beast Benrey had been all those years ago? And if not, what was wrong with the code? What did his father mess up?

How had he messed up with his father? Tommy sighed as the thought crossed his mind- that wasn’t true, was it. He hadn’t done anything wrong, and it was hard to remind himself of that. Once again- discordant. Dissonant. Two nights ago, Dr. Coomer asked if he thought he was incapable of change, and the question stuck to him. While he knew he meant it more rhetorically than anything, it was still something he genuinely wondered. But of course he had changed. He got very, very used to changing himself, actually. Especially when he was younger, because, maybe, if he was like _this_ instead, or maybe if he stopped doing _this_ , or maybe if he tried being more like _this_ , maybe- 

Maybe he could’ve been, enough, for whatever his father wanted him to be. He knew there was always an intention there, get taken on by his employers, one day, “take over the family business”, whatever that was. Maybe that couldn’t have happened anyway. But Tommy was really, really sick of guessing, trying to figure out what would earn his father’s approval, because he spent enough time vying for it, and, at some point, he learned if it wasn’t going to be readily given, it probably wasn’t worth it at all, in the first place. 

Was that selfish?

As a young intern at Black Mesa, he met Dr. Coomer, first. Well, not _first_ -first, but he was the first person in the current Science Team he met. They didn’t interact much, just by the nature of their different departments, Dr. Coomer in robotics, Tommy mostly fetching coffees and papers and fixing the printer or organizing the computer wires for the scientists in engineering. As much talk as there was about Tommy, more specifically, his father, an apparent much-higher-up in the compound, Tommy really wouldn’t have been surprised if his colleagues took some kind of misplaced joy at making the boss’s kid do the grunt work. He understood. He didn’t know how word got around about that, but Black Mesa, while sprawling, was apparently teeming with gossips. Eventually, that bit of news died down, and he was finally able to do work based on what he was actually capable of. It was good. But throughout all that time, even with the small amount he saw Dr. Coomer, he didn’t treat him any different. He was kind, supportive, and often told Tommy how exciting the things he was doing were. And maybe Tommy had more he felt like he had to emotionally dump than he knew when Dr. Coomer would find him during their lunch breaks and sit down with him.

And that’s when Tommy realized what a father could’ve been like. 

Darnold would explain to him that, in philosophy, that was called a paradigm shift. That sounded about right. That was a pretty fundamental change in his worldview. 

Change. Tommy knew he was capable of change. Of course he knew. He practiced it enough, being a child on Xen- on Earth?- on Xen, maybe- what _was_ he?- whatever he was, whatever his past actually was, whatever of his memories were forged or faked or coded into him at his baseline, he knew he was capable of change. He knew that. He’d done it so much and so often at such a critical point in his life where he was supposed to be developing and growing and learning, and what he learned, exactly, was that he wasn’t enough, but maybe he could be, if he just- just-

Of course he could change. But these days, that’d require a much deeper analysis of what he was, and he didn’t have the time or energy for that. 

Especially not here. 

Was this supposed to feel like home?

He hated it, here. The rotting flesh walls pulsed, gaping holes sealed over, the ground giving only slightly as they all walked forward. It felt like walking on molded wood, and like any second, it would all give out under him. Maybe he was projecting, slightly. As viscerally displeasing as it was, places like these were the only alcoves of shelter, on Xen, the team trudging through a pool of glowing blue water that reminded Tommy too much of his father’s eyes. Like even now, he was still watching, and waiting, and judging silently.

Part of him wished Joshua hadn’t told him about the remorse his father apparently felt. He couldn’t really fault him for that, and he wasn’t trying to, either. Even in the few days he’d known him, Tommy could tell- Joshua was the type to want to fix things. He recognized it so clearly because he saw it in himself.

He still distrusted his father’s feelings instinctually. And immediately his mind went to the place it always went to when he thought too long about the relationship with his father, where maybe he’s being too harsh on him, and how was he _really_ supposed to know what a human(?) child needed, and maybe he just has to start the conversation, he was an adult, they both were, and maybe they could finally talk like _adults_ -

As much as Tommy isn’t the type of person to hold a grudge, there’s a difference between holding a grudge, and never having gotten the necessary apology to begin to heal. How could he actually think about starting to forgive him when he didn’t even reach out to him? When he talked to Mr. Freeman during his run more than him? And even now, history repeating itself, and Tommy not getting any closure. It stung. 

Of course Tommy was capable of change. 

He just didn’t know if his father was.

* * *

The towering structure inside of Xen daunted them, shadowing over the team as Bubby and Dr. Coomer continued to lead the way. Benrey took up the end- it was hard to recognize this place. Yes, he knew every area of here like the back of his hand, but he hadn’t seen it like this. He felt small, which was a very new experience for him. And he wasn’t sure he liked the feeling at all. But it was better this than what he was fifteen years ago.

Part of him, being at Xen, felt like it was straining under his skin, something clawing and begging to be let out, to become so much greater than the simplicity he found himself in. But even if he could, he didn’t know how, and he didn’t want to, necessarily. That was a dangerous Benrey- a Benrey he didn’t have control over, a Benrey that actively wanted to hurt, save for the times he was actually able to break through and try to protect. He was, in the end, a security guard, after all, even if the meanings jumbled in his head about what he was trying to defend, be that himself, Xen, or his friends (even if they didn’t think of him as a friend, then. That was fine). 

Even as “human” as the game’s made him, now, he was still very much himself. And part of him wondered if he was always supposed to be the final boss, despite everything they’ve learned this run of the game. There had to be a set somebody, right? Even if it changed based on the player, something still nagged down to his bones that this is _home_ , and this is where he’s meant to be, and he’s inexplicably entwined with Xen. There’s a monstrous, but _resplendent_ , cosmic form he’s _supposed_ to-

Not supposed to be. Nothing is supposed to be. There are no predetermined deaths. 

He doesn’t want to be bad. Of course not. But he’d be lying if he said Xen didn’t feel like a part of him. Nostalgic? It looked different than when he was here, last, when he had thousands of eyes opening and observing under his helmet’s shadow like a panopticon, when he had abilities that could’ve torn anyone else asunder in ethereal light, when he experienced the true vastness at becoming, saw colors he can’t think about too hard right now or he might burst-

And he wonders if Tommy feels the same, after all. Because no game reset can change him- he’s always going to be G-Man’s son, even if he can’t do what Benrey could. Or maybe he can? Benrey wasn’t entirely sure of the situation there. He wasn’t going to ask. Maybe out of politeness. Maybe because he felt like him and the Science Team’s relationship has always been rockier than he wanted it to be. 

But Gordon. _Gordon_ \- Benrey didn’t know if he was actually human, given the deep, pulling feeling Xen gave him, but even so, he didn’t know humans could feel such elation from each other. He didn’t know a motion as simple as Gordon holding his cheek could inspire something so- fluttery?- in him. Well. Gordon always made him feel a little like that. This was different.

A lot of things were different, actually. He mostly found himself at Josh and Gordon’s side. More because it felt right to be there. And, yeah, if something was to happen, when The Something they were all dreading was bound to happen, maybe, because he’d done this before, he could help. He wasn’t sure what that’d look like, but he remembered the confusion, and he remembered the terror he felt. For how deeply foundational it was, it was still horrifying. It made him realize perhaps the grasp on himself he always kept was more feeble than not. It had to be, if he could just, unleash, so beautifully, so easily, so, unintentionally. He wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Nobody deserved to go through that.

However, if it meant keeping Josh, and Gordon, and the team safe, he’d do it again in a second. He wouldn’t hesitate. He meant it, when he said he was okay with being the final boss again, because he’d rather hurt a thousand times over than have his friends, his family, in danger. 

But there was no need for a martyr. There was a need for safety, for help. And Benrey would give anything to keep them all safe. Because, despite everything, he was still a security guard. And he’s doing what he does best. 

Protect.

* * *

Gordon found himself thinking much more about family, recently. No surprise, obviously, but the thought stuck around anyway.

He didn’t have a rough childhood or anything, growing up. Pretty normal, all things considered. But there were some parents that couldn’t entirely deal with or understand their children growing up and becoming their own people. Especially not when part of that meant Gordon figuring out he was trans. He was already supporting himself and living on his own, at that point. They didn’t take to it kindly. They haven’t reached out since. It was fine- maybe not fine- he spent too much time in therapy learning how to not brush off his own feelings like that. Let them live in the moment. But he had come to terms with it. And it was more okay than it was all those years ago. All that really meant was that Gordon was determined to be a better parent, and a better person, as Josh grew up. To accept and love and support him as he is, and take things one day at a time, and not only encourage him to grow, but make a solid, nurturing foundation for him to flourish.

And something Gordon learned was that he really loves being a dad. Yes, he likes his job, and he likes his life, but he absolutely, unconditionally loves his son. If he wasn’t already determined to be a good parent, that notion was completely solidified the day Josh was adopted, when he held him in his arms for the first time. Yes, he’s a man of science, but no amount of academia or theory could explain the pure, thrumming buzz in the center of his chest when he looked down at the baby, looking right back at him with big, curious eyes before breaking into a huge smile and kicking and thrashing around like he _knew_ Gordon and _knew_ he was _his dad_ , and just like that, Gordon knew Josh. He was already head over heels, “father” becoming irrevocably woven with every other aspect of his life. 

Family always seemed to be an ever-changing thing. The meaning was fluid. The traditional, all-American nuclear idea of family never seemed very stable to him, and especially after his parents, and after his divorce, and after getting himself out of the worst depression of his life, it seemed all too isolating. But out of unforgiving stone, and with time, and patience, he carved something beautiful for him and his son. Their own little meaning that felt right. And that was family. 

But now it was shifting. Again. And maybe it always had been. Maybe his first run of the game came at time in his life when he really, really needed family. And for everything the team put him through, there was still those in-between moments of clarity and trust. But at the time, and before the ambush, it was much more of a relationship of convenience. They all got along well enough- well enough that they’d surely all make it to the end in one piece mentally/physically/emotionally/whatever, and Gordon would finally be able to get home.

One of those goals was met, at least.

He was learning something new, this run. That while it feels easier to not talk about things, to stuff them under carefully placed layers and cocoon himself in, it never actually is easier. Because it took time to build up those layers, and it took more mental and emotional anguish than necessary to keep it down, and while he was justified, at some point, he had to take his healing back into his hands. And it was hard. But it was better. It would be better. And obviously, there was a shared sentiment around the team. They all wanted to heal. Just like him. And he didn’t want to rob them of that.

So he focused on that. Staying in the present and trying to process every part of this was out of the question, because he needed to concentrate, right now, and if he let himself spiral, lean into the tension in his chest and the slight tremble in his left hand, think too hard about the cautious glances at his son and just waiting for the inevitable to happen, he was going to get in a worse headspace than he already is, and that can’t happen. He needs to be here, right now. That’s it. 

He doesn’t know what’s going to happen past these conveyor belts and blue barrels and swathes of aliens attacking the group that get taken out as a matter of necessity and quickness more than anything. He’s going to have a fucking lot to digest when he gets home, when _him and Joshua_ get home, but that’s for later. Everything else but a clear, firm focus, is for later. Everything else but a fierce bastion for his son, a silent, but known agreement between the team, and a firm resolution for whatever the end will hold, that’s all that’s needed right now.

That’s enough.

* * *

Dr. Harold P. Coomer has always had a very special talent of attracting certain types of people to him. Naturally magnetic. But of course that’s alright! Dr. Coomer, after all, while a man of many talents, has always found he works best guiding people along their courses in life. He doesn’t attract broken people- that’s a rather rude, and incorrect, and clunky way of saying it, but people who need help always end up coming to him. And he knows nobody is ever broken. Nobody is ever beyond repair. Sometimes they just need a hand- a tutorial, if you will. Of course he would supply. Of course he would share lunch with the harried new intern in the engineering department- he’d heard whisperings about him, more specifically, his father, but Harold’s never been the type of person to judge someone before knowing them, and certainly not judge them for something they didn’t have control over. And of course he’d always make sure to say hello and follow the strange passport protocol the security guard he’s not quite sure he remembered working for Black Mesa enforced. Of course he’d ask all about the brand new mixology department to the new head, a young, bright man with a curious streak matching his own- he remembered the cybernetics department all too well, and while he had his own feelings about seeing it phased out, this new prospect was fresh and exciting. Of course, he’d help guide the new hire doctor of theoretical physics (they seemed to be getting younger every year, but maybe he was just getting older) and be there as some kind of support for the big test in Anomalous Materials. Of course. Without question.

Of course, years and years ago, when he himself was a much younger man, a somewhat new hire himself, finding his way to Biological Research and discovering a full person in a tube like something out of science fiction, of course he was going to help. He didn’t know how he was going to, but he had to do something, didn’t he? Because what else could he do at the sight?

But there was a very firm difference between Bubby and every other person in Harold’s life. While their relationship may have started off as one of obligation, where Bubby needed somebody to sneak him out, needed some way to experience the world beyond the carefully temperature-controlled vat- well, sometimes, it’s not so easy to entirely recognize the need for help in yourself. Sometimes it takes another person to help you see that- Dr. Coomer knew that very well, more often than not finding himself on the giving end of that relationship. 

Harold was not a broken person. But he was in some sort of hole. As much as he encouraged emotional honesty and vulnerability in others, it was hard to access that within himself. But one of Bubby’s many charms was how blunt he was, how much he wore his heart on his sleeve in such a peculiar way, not entirely bound by the traps of social convention. Bubby was direct, and upfront, and would get into Harold’s face and say no, you’re not okay, and I don’t want you to lie to me, but it’s even worse if you’re lying to yourself. 

A lot had changed, since then. But many things stayed the same. A classic, cliché passage, noting the best and the worst of times often happened simultaneously. Not usually to the same people, more a comment on class division, but here they all were nonetheless, going through it all the same. But the beautiful thing about meanings in stories is that they can change. 

As they made their way through the red-tinted corridors of Xen, Harold couldn’t help but note what a motley crew they made. An aura about them so similar to years ago, yet so very, very different. What he wouldn’t give to not have to go through these inevitable motions, what he could possibly do to prevent it from happening, but now, his time was best spent here, in the present, in the best, and the worst of times, with the best of people, in the worst of situations. Tragedy always works best with comedy and vice-versa. Even if none of this is real, it still felt real. It still had real consequences. It still attached real feelings and real memories to him, to their whole team. 

And real was just it. For better, or for worse. 

* * *

This was a bunch of fucking shit.

Bubby’s been through some shit. No question. He knows he’s very, radically different from everyone else here, on a level maybe not _entirely_ unfathomable, but if it doesn’t feel like that, sometimes.

But Bubby’s been very, _very_ good at going through shit. If his time at Black Mesa, and his creation, and his life, has taught him anything, it’s that he is one resilient, stubborn motherfucker. And he doesn’t like _dwelling_. It’s _boring_. And it’s not that he’s trying to avoid this stuff, but there are bigger things to be worrying about besides, The Everything. Being stuck in a rut feels all too much like being stuck in his tube, or being stuck in the void, or being stuck in his own genius head, and while the latter is not a bad place to be, Bubby’s always been far more action-oriented. 

Moving and running and sprinting through the dilapidated halls of Black Mesa during Gordon’s run always felt so fucking good, even given the circumstances. Like a big fuck-you to the pseudo-authority ruling over the place. Like he survived while _it_ didn’t, whatever it was. Because try as the world might, it could never kill him. But while he was in the void, he didn’t know how to cope entirely with his own learned adaptability, even if it did save him in the end. 

But perhaps he was working just as he was supposed to. He is the perfect scientist, after all. He’s never felt like he’s needed to change himself, necessarily, but talking with Harold enough and learning from him, he knew change was an unavoidable part of life. And looking back at how he was all those years ago when he first met Harold, versus now, of course he’s changed. He’s not an idiot. And looking back in more recent memory, comparing himself with how he was on Gordon’s run and now-

See, _this_ is why Bubby doesn’t like to dwell. Because he’s not some crotchety old man shut off from his emotions. Sure, he’s old, he’ll give himself that- everything else in that sentiment just wasn’t true, because he’s so beyond thinking about what the fuck a _gen-dar_ is, and he may be prickly, but he’s not emotionally unavailable. No, Bubby feels, a lot, and he’s going to let the whole world know what’s on his mind whether they like it or not. 

That being said: this was a bunch of fucking shit. Because Bubby cared about the Science Team. Obviously. He wouldn’t have stuck around if he didn’t. But all the same it was still a new development that came about during Gordon’s run, after the initial betrayal. And despite being the most perfect scientist, Bubby’s never entirely trusted other scientists, besides Dr. Coomer, so Gordon and Tommy were out, originally. Until they were in. Fine. At least Benrey was still a _normal_ person- until he wasn’t. Okay. But Bubby wasn’t really a normal person either.

He didn’t really talk about it. But the ending of Gordon’s run hurt. Because Benrey, after all, was still his friend. They were on a similar wavelength with each other. They were both just, kind of fucked up in a way no one else here really was. Until he surpassed Bubby on that front. 

And now it was happening all over again. Different. Still hurt. 

Perhaps Bubby is, _cantankerous_ , but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. He cares a lot, actually. And of course he was going to end up caring about Joshua. Just like every other relationship he’s ever had, a long line of fellow bastards worming their way into his heart, the same thing happened here. 

The team jumped from platform to platform, making their way slowly to the beacon at the center of it all, a spire simultaneously organic and distinctly inhuman, and in it all, Bubby knows he’s scared. But this isn’t fear out of the preservation of his own self.

He’s frightened, because he cares.

* * *

The orb pulsated red, drenching the team in the brightness. This was it, officially. The entrance to the center of Xen. And there was nothing left to do but face the final boss. And there was nothing more to say. Nothing but pretending to be more gallant than any of them felt, for each other. For their family. 

Josh sighed heavily before walking over to his dad, hugging him tight. Gordon immediately reciprocated, putting his hand on the back of Josh’s head and ruffling his hair. He looked over to the rest of the team, all taking in the glow, the same apprehension he felt apparent on them as well. 

But Gordon didn’t need to say anything before Benrey caught his eye and walked over to them, wrapping up the two of them in his arms as much as he could. And it didn’t take long for the rest of the team to follow, Tommy next, then Darnold, then Bubby, and finally, Dr. Coomer- yet another great application for extend-o arms. 

But all things had to end, eventually, including this moment. And they had a game to finish.

When they released from the hug, Josh took another deep breath, shaking the nervous energy out of his hands and steeling himself.

“Um. See you all, inside.” He said. So much for the big, cool thing Benrey encouraged him to say. Felt like a long time ago, that they were sitting around the table. Talking about this very moment. 

“Be safe.” Gordon said softly. Josh gave him a small smile.

“Yeah. You too. All you guys.” Josh turned back to face the portal. Last one. And if he waited any longer, he’d never do it. So he tilted his head, rolled his shoulders, and dashed into a sprint, running up the natural steps and squeezing his eyes shut as the world flashed around him. 

* * *

He didn’t necessarily know what was supposed to happen, here, but this couldn’t have been right, considering Josh was back in an empty void, once again. Did he do something wrong? He must’ve clipped on accident when going through the portal, or something. 

Or maybe not. He definitely felt himself hit the teleporter. But this wasn’t the final boss space- this was the nothing he was all too familiar with, floating somewhat aimlessly. That was different- no solid ground he was on. It was probably for the better, considering how, staticky, he felt. Akin to his last glitching experience.

He clenched his fists, opening and closing them like he was trying to wake up his muscles from falling asleep, focusing on that rather than anything else that might potentially happen. But all the same, this felt very different- where last time had him feeling more like a ragdoll being thrown around Black Mesa, this… 

He thought of the beach. The ocean at home was always too cold and turbulent for him to ever fully go in, but he liked standing in the water, rolling his pant legs up to his knees and letting the waves lap at him, just deep enough to feel it push against him, possibly threatening to knock him over, but never quite, until the frigidity got to him. Sometimes it was just nice, to sit with the implicit doldrums of a foggy beach. If he was a different kind of person, it’d be something to write poetry about, probably. To him, it was something to just, feel, for a while. 

He missed the beach. And the feeling of this particular bout of glitching was reminding him too much of it. He sighed and closed his eyes, deciding not to look at the technicolor test bars and pixels appearing and disappearing on the HEV suit. If he focused enough, it almost felt like he was floating in the ocean, rather than here. Kind of relaxing, considering the situation.

When he read Moby Dick, something his teacher stressed was the idea of water as rebirth- rather, the subversion of it in the novel. Captain Ahab, fueled by obsession, ironically, got a sort of rebirth when he was finally pulled into the water by the whale itself- a rebirth in the form of realization at his arrogance. A realization that came all too late, that he and the whale had become so entwined with each other in his own mind that, at the end, there wasn’t a way to separate them.

“Is it, a good novel?” A voice broke through the silence around him. But it didn’t startle him, this time. It sounded a little muffled, like he was speaking behind glass. 

“I think I would’ve liked it more if I could read it on my own time.” Josh settled on. “But it was okay.”

“Hmm.” G-Man thought aloud.

Josh really didn’t know where G-Man was, and maybe he was just imagining this, or something, but at the moment, it was alright, even if he felt rather separated from himself. He’d get back to it eventually. Probably. 

“Yeah.” Josh said. G-Man paused for a few moments more.

“…You’ve been, nicer to me, than I deserve.”

“Nobody deserves anything, man. ‘N I told you. I don’t like getting mad.” Josh sighed. “You figure out something for Tommy?”

“Perhaps, a step, in the right direction.”

“That’s good. It’s a start.”

“It is, a start.” G-Man agreed.

“…Is this real, right now?” Josh asked slowly.

“Does it matter?”

“Maybe. I don’t know.” There was a lull between them.

“I think, this is going to be, the last time, we speak to each other.” G-Man said. “I never, apologized, to you.”

“Oh.” Josh said. Unexpected.

“I’m sorry.” The words sounded wrong coming from him. Like he’d been thinking just how to say it. And perhaps, in the back of his mind, Josh felt like G-Man was saying it more to Tommy than to him. But it was something. “For everything, I put you through.”

“Okay.” Josh said. “Um. We’ll just, see how the fight goes, I guess.” He continued.

“Yes,” G-Man replied. “Goodbye, Joshua.”

“Bye, Mr. Coolatta.”

He kept attention on the soft, glitching feeling around him as it meshed and blended, drifting into it as much as he could, while he floated up and out of the nothing.

* * *

Gordon landed on his feet, water splashing up with him as he stumbled forward. A sight all too familiar greeted him, the gaping maw of the cavern, natural fléches looming over him- something about it struck him as remarkably sanctified.

He was quickly joined by the rest of the Science Team, gathering around him in a semi-circle as they waited, anticipating in the eerie quiet. Gordon swallowed hard as the anxiety continued to pool in his chest.

“Josh?” He asked out, a slight shake in his voice the space nonetheless picked up on, echoing mockingly as the sound travelled through the cave to no reply. 

Something splashed behind him- Gordon quickly turned at the noise, surprised to find it was Benrey. He had thrown off his helmet and the Gauss pack, holding his head in his hands, his eyes squeezed shut. Gordon rushed over to him, unsure of what, if anything, he could do as Benrey shook his head.

“No, no, no,” He uttered. Gordon took him by the shoulders.

“C’mon, man, don’t- what’s going on?”

“Something’s- something’s wrong, something’s _really_ wrong-“

“Oh, god,” Bubby uttered, still looking to the opening of the chamber. Gordon kept a hand on Benrey’s shoulder as he turned back.

Something was coming out from under the water, clipping through the ground as Gordon recognized him, instantly. There was Josh. Nothing changed, but he was decidedly not conscious, his eyes closed as he floated up, moving like he was suspended in water, slowing to a halt a few feet in the air. He stayed like that for a moment, until dropping, suddenly, landing on his back with a dull clang from the HEV suit hitting the ground. And Gordon didn’t think as he ran to him, getting to his knees and looking him over. His forehead was slick with sweat, his hair sticking as Gordon pushed it out of the way, muttering reassurances to himself as he saw the chest plate rising and falling. Shallow, but breathing. 

And suddenly, his eyes fluttered open, accompanied with a sharp gasp, and Gordon couldn’t stop the relief washing over him as he scooped him into a hug, holding him close.

There was a lot to process all at once. But he was here. And normal. And his dad was hugging him. Like moments ago. But he wasn’t sure how much time passed, either. 

“Shit,” Josh exhaled. “Did you win?” He asked, supporting himself more as he put his hands back and started to push up into a sitting position. His dad pulled away.

“I- no? I don’t-“ He started. “There’s… No fight?” He asked, tentative. He wasn’t sure if there was a good answer. 

“You didn’t fight me?” Josh sounded just as confused as he was. 

Gordon didn’t have time to answer before the cave started shaking, bits of rock falling into the water around them. At once, the two were up on their feet, running back to the team, Gordon supporting Josh, still unsteady, but moving nonetheless. The sound of the earthquake was almost loud enough to drown out Benrey shouting through gritted teeth, and the team moved closer together, despite all evidence stating that’s probably the last thing they should be doing- blame it on instinct. Fear pitted itself deep in them, a different kind than the last time they were here. This wasn’t a base terror at a fight- it was the fear of losing anyone close to them. Bubby, Dr. Coomer, and Darnold were closest to Benrey, while Tommy kept by Gordon and Josh’s side, everyone somewhat together. And as Benrey fell to his knees, hands gripping the sides of his head tight enough to make his knuckles white, the ground at the center of the cave opened, water cascading down into the pit as _something_ began to make its way out.

Gordon turned back to Benrey as he tried, anything, to help him, the team turning their attention to them, unsure what to make of the situation.

But Josh and Tommy found themselves enraptured, fully faced forward, both watching morbidly as a massive, clawed hand dug its nails into the rocky chasm it created, soon joined by another equally huge claw, gripping and pushing itself out with a gurgling, splitting shriek. The eyes came next, black slits for pupils, predatory, unearthly, glowing blue and illuminating the scene, clashing with the natural reds of Xen as the face kept moving up. There were cracks all along the visage, as if the creature was made of porcelain, threatening to fracture yet never quite, a deep, yellow incandesce breaking through the fissures as it moved, shifting along with the rest of the body. There seemed to be no other facial features on it besides its eyes and jutting, wickedly sharp cheekbones, and as its stare met Joshua’s, he realized quickly he’d never felt smaller or more insignificant than right now. He very suddenly understood the meaning of looking into the abyss and the abyss looking back, and understood it on such a deep, and innate level, that he didn’t entirely register the new seam breaking down the center of the beast’s face until it was too late. If Josh could look away, he would’ve seen Tommy in a similar state, as the jaw shattered, a trail of black tar dripping down from it. Rows of teeth arced through the mouth as it bellowed again, the pitch high and piercing while ichor seeped from its maw, mixing with something else, something just as viscous but glowing bright with changing color. 

Josh was utterly frozen in place, unable to process anything else but the vast entity in front of him, something all at once maddening and horrific and phantasmagorical and _he couldn’t tear himself away_. And he couldn’t do anything but watch as the massive hands reached out for him and Tommy, grabbing them both, and Josh was about one-hundred percent certain this was how he was going to die, by the call of the void, as it moved them up, high above the scene. Far away, he heard his dad scream his name and the immediate rip of gunfire as the battle began. 

But something unexpected happened. They were placed almost gently atop a platform, and if Josh wasn’t so captured with everything else, looking down would’ve immediately given him a crushing vertigo. Instead, he looked into the eye of the beast, now positioned on the side of its face with its jaw open like this, and something clicked. 

He misinterpreted it, earlier. Because a predator’s eyes face forwards. Not like this. And as horrifying and eldritch as it was, it knew its place, in this grand scheme. It knew. 

Josh knew. Tommy knew. Not necessarily why, but who.

Somehow, against everything, against his own code and what the game had try to make them all be, he broke through instead, some flavor of victory, even if it was overshadowed by everything else. 

This was G-Man.

And he found a way to fix it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i needed one more self reflection chapter,.,. we just had to have it,,. but !! we are finally here !!! the culmination of it all !!!
> 
> if you skipped the body horror parts, tommy was just describing what Xen looked like, which is gross, and then the omnipresent narrator described gman's final boss form. main takeaways: he is very huge-large and practically unrecognizable! unless you were his son or had seen him recently!
> 
> it's really hard to believe this is all coming to a close, but what a wild ride it's been!! thank you all for reading and sticking with me thus far. if you want to relive where it all began, artlesscomedic on tumblr (and here!) made a really excellent comic of chapters 2-3, you should absolutely check it out !! https://artlesscomedic.tumblr.com/post/630987312774381568/he-eventually-forgot-about-the-box-that-he-stored
> 
> fun secret: if you read from "Gordon landed on his feet, water splashing up with him as he stumbled forward." to the end, it lines up pretty well with "Opera de Ossium" from the Boneworks OST (depending on how fast/slow you read). just. if you re-read and want a soundtrack 
> 
> thank you all so much for reading and commenting and kudoing !! i hope all of you are taking care of yourselves and being safe and healthy :-) i care you !!


	22. Father and Son

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Science Team begins the final fight. Tommy and Josh try to figure out how to stop it.

Gordon didn’t think as he pulled the trigger. He couldn’t think, overwhelmed with emotion, and confusion, and terror, and _what the fuck else was he supposed to do_ when some kind of cosmic beast _took his son_. Nothing but parental instinct as he open fired. He didn’t feel the tears prick at his eyes as he kept shooting, not knowing if this was even doing _anything_ , but needing to try. He was vaguely aware of Bubby and Dr. Coomer joining him, Bubby’s Gluon releasing beams into the open maw of the creature while Dr. Coomer throttled back with _The Big One_. Gordon stopped shooting, briefly, only to try and track where Josh was, the staircase of platforms starting too far above him to get to, the separation, here, of all places, only fueling the raw, visceral need to keep fighting, for everything. For everything the game put them through, for fifteen years ago and up to now, for… For, perhaps, an idea him and G-Man shared: keeping their children safe. Not that he was digging any deeper into that thought right now.

More so, questions of just what the fuck this thing _was_ overwhelmed him, and what was happening with Benrey, and how was he going to get back to Josh, why did it take him and Tommy, and none of those questions were getting answered yet, because something else cut through it all.

Benrey was right.

Something was wrong.

“Gordon!” Darnold yelled through the chaos. Gordon looked back to Darnold, still closest to Benrey. “Switch with me!” Gordon nodded- there was maybe a better chance at helping Benrey than contending with this beast, but if Darnold was willing to take it on with Dr. Coomer and Bubby; at the very least, it’d buy them all time. More than that, it was an act of bravery and kinship. One Gordon saw and appreciated, clapping Darnold on the shoulder as he rushed by him and switched.

Benrey was not in a good place. He looked pale, shaking, nearly dry heaving, and as he saw Gordon approach, he recoiled back, hard, baring his teeth.

“Don’t-“ He said, his voice coming out as if it was intercut with static, popping and fizzing as he breathed hard. “’M gonna hurt you-“

“You won’t.” Gordon responded, shaking his head. Oh, god, Benrey was _scared_ \- the last time Gordon remembered him being this scared was… Maybe he didn’t register it, as fear, then, but fifteen years ago- of course, he had to have been. Gordon quickly slung his gun over his back, the strap holding it in place as he reached his hands out. “You’re not gonna hurt me. I trust you. Just-”

Gordon stopped as another ragged shout tore through Benrey. He doubled over, on his knees with his hands in the water as he started shifting, parts of himself unstable. Inhuman eyes broke through, surrounding Benrey as they trained on Gordon, the pupils dilating as they blinked in and out of existence. Benrey clipped, glitching out, suddenly moving from the ground to standing upright, his back against one of the spires. Where normally, Benrey was a few inches shorter than him, Gordon found himself having to crane his neck to look up at what he was becoming.

Part of Gordon wanted to run. But a bigger part of him was so, fucking, tired. And he’s always been a bleeding heart.

Benrey wasn’t the final boss, that was, obviously, very clear. But something was nonetheless happening. But there are no predetermined deaths. And there was always another choice. Another opportunity for change.

* * *

Josh’s hands clutched over his stomach, balled, feeling them shake slightly as Tommy watched his father fight. He couldn’t quite make out the details of everyone, from so far away, but he could see Dr. Coomer, Bubby, and Darnold in the front, firing at G-Man, while the stark orange of Gordon’s HEV suit clashed against the rest of Xen, standing near, what Tommy assumed to be, Benrey.

“Tommy?” Josh uttered, nearly too quiet, but Tommy looked over to him anyway, an understanding all the same. “Tommy, what do we do?”

“I- I don’t, know.” Tommy said, brow furrowed in thought. “But, but I think I know why, he, got us away, from the fight.” He took another moment before gathering himself, holding himself differently. Firmer. “Joshua, I, I know you weren’t, here, during, Benrey’s boss fight, but, I- I thought it could’ve gone different, he, he was, doing his monologue, and, we just _had_ to understand. But, he didn’t- he didn’t have a big plot. But, I know my dad does. I- we have to understand. There’s, there’s something _to_ understand, this time.”

“We gotta get down to the team.” Josh confirmed. Tommy nodded before he continued.

“I- I don’t know, for sure, if it could change anything, but, I-“ Tommy stopped himself. Behind his words, there was a deeper, something. Perhaps it really wouldn’t change anything, but for all the issues he had with him, Tommy couldn’t stand by and watch his father die like this- it hurt enough watching Benrey go through that. It couldn’t be the same. Not again.

Change.

Their moment was cut short by another fierce, sharp bellow from below, and at once, Tommy and Josh got into action, starting to make their way down the spiraling, towering staircase.

* * *

Benrey was still shifting, changing slowly, but more alien to himself all the same, as if the hold on his human form he had so desperately clung too was piecing off of him bit by bit. More eyes followed, both surrounding him and showing on his face and hands. He was holding onto himself, his humanness, so tight it hurt, feeling like he was losing the battle. The cave shook again, this time, from the monstrosity slamming its hands down, an earthquake rumbling through the area- there was a brief respite in gunfire before it continued again.

Gordon saw Benrey flinch at the sound, the eyes squinting or squeezing shut before opening again- even now, mid-eldritch, Benrey was still human, and still scared, and Gordon felt his heart leap into his throat.

“Benrey!” Gordon shouted over the noise. “You’re not the boss! It’s okay!”

All at once, Gordon felt voices that weren’t his own echoing in his head, oppressive with the sheer, audible mass of it all. He felt himself pale, his eyes going wide as he stumbled back, catching himself, but still overwhelmed with the noise of it all. It felt like it reached back all the way to the recesses of his brain, choking him with negative rebuttals, a constant, self-deprecating, self-doubting monologue that didn’t cease. Out of it all, a constant barrage of Benrey believing all he could do was hurt, that this was going to be the same.

He, very suddenly, very deeply understood him. More hot, angry tears formed at his eyes.

There’s something about empathy that isn’t necessarily associated with it, or ignored entirely. But it’s the fact that Gordon found himself with not only a bleeding heart, but a firebrand passion. And now, at the end of everything, at the final push for the ending to be different, for something, _anything,_ to change- now was no different.

“You’re good!” Gordon yelled. He felt his vocal chords ache, with the raggedness of his own voice, the thoughts in his head- Benrey’s thoughts- continuing to doubt it, but Gordon kept pushing past it. “Benrey! Listen to me! I need help! I need _your_ help!”

The thoughts halted, and if the world around them wasn’t so chaotic, it’d feel like everything else would have, too. Gordon got closer to Benrey.

“Please. We all need your help. The boss- it took them- it took Tommy and Josh, I need _help_ , Benrey, please, you’re not bad. You’re not bad. You’ve protected us. You protected my son.” Gordon slowly reached a hand out to Benrey’s, now bigger than his, shaking, slightly. Gordon held firm, taking it with both of his, trying to hold as much of him as he could. “You’re _good_.”

* * *

Darnold, Dr. Coomer and Bubby continued firing, running semi-circles around the beast as much as they could, trying to cover Gordon and Benrey while also trying to find the creature’s weak spots. It recoiled and roared and reacted to what they were doing- that was something, at least. Different from the last time.

But they weren’t necessarily making much progress like this, either. The three of them gathered in a loose cluster as they continued to fire.

“Gentlemen, I think we need a firmer plan of action than this!” Dr. Coomer yelled over the commotion.

“You’re goddamn right!” Bubby called back.

“I might be able to get to Tommy and Josh!” Darnold shouted between bullets ripping. “Can you still make fire here, Bubby?”

“Of course I can!” Bubby confirmed.

“I have an idea!” Darnold continued. “Can you keep it distracted, Dr. Coomer?”

“For three PlayCoins I can-“ Dr. Coomer suddenly cut himself off, as if something in his brain was restarting itself. “Gordon.”

“Gordon?” Darnold responded.

“If the game is still using his save data-“ Dr. Coomer started, a new thought taking hold of him. “You two go ahead! Leave the foul beastie to me!” Darnold and Bubby nodded before they took off, while Dr. Coomer continued attacking the boss as it thrashed back, roaring and dripping ichor and sludge on the battlefield as the three scientists put their respective plans into motion.

Darnold made his way to one of the spires, keeping his eyes upwards on the platforms looming above them, turning back to Bubby.

“The spark, on my shoes- it’s, the water isn’t making it too easy. But-“

“If you throttle the gas-“

“And if I have a flame-“

“…We should really collaborate more.” Bubby said.

“We can start now,” Darnold agreed. “Can you give me a boost?” He asked, grabbing onto some kind of hand-hold on the rock. Bubby griped a little before leaning down, sheathing the Gluon and interlacing his fingers together for a foothold. Darnold held tight onto the spire, stepping on and shaking out excess water from his shoes before starting the gas.

Meanwhile, Dr. Coomer continued firing, slowly making his way over to Gordon and Benrey as he continued mano-a-mano with the creature.

“Gordon!” Dr. Coomer broke through the noise, throwing his voice back to them. “We could really use your PlayCoins right about now!”

“My PlayCoins?!” Gordon yelled back- it caught him so off-guard he had to take another moment to actually process it, and figure out the implication of what Dr. Coomer said before it clicked together like puzzle pieces in his head.

He remembered Dr. Coomer activating the SuperPlayer feature all those years ago. He remembered Tommy being able to get Sunkist to them, he remembered Bubby- well, mostly he remembered seeing flashes of Bubby as he whipped around the area, trails of fire behind him. But everyone had some sort of final power, if that was the right word for it. A final show of strength unlocked by Gordon exchanging his PlayCoins. But what about-

“The passports?!” Gordon called back. Dr. Coomer shook his head.

“There hasn’t _been_ a _Chekov’s Gun_ , this round, Gordon!” Dr. Coomer said as he reloaded. “Forgive me for breaking kayfabe, but this is the most it’s felt like a video game this run! But we have to try something, and I need you to authorize the transaction!”

He turned back to Benrey- this _wasn’t_ him being the final boss. This was the game unleashing- or, trying to unleash, a final bout of power. This was the game reaffirming what Gordon always knew- that Benrey, boiled down to his base, was a protector. The best goddamn security guard he’s ever, and probably, will ever, know.

And all he needed was a silly currency Gordon never knew he was collecting.

“Dr. Coomer!” Gordon shouted. “Take them! I go into PlayCoin debt!”

* * *

_“You’re good.”_

The words filled his head, along with the idea that Gordon _wanted_ him here- that he asked for _his_ help. For his protection. And for a moment, he felt himself losing to the code, unsure of what exactly he was becoming, the feeling all too familiar to all those years ago, but this- they weren’t fighting him. They wanted him to fight _with them_.

Something swelled in Benrey’s chest. Something that may have felt similar to the final boss form that resided and grew out of him like sickening flowers, but _this_ \- this altogether was so vastly different, and so new and exciting and full of light- Benrey was changing into something distinctly _his_. Something awkward and gorgeous and stifling and raw and becoming and ephemeral and everlasting in art and beauty and-

Human.

That’s what it was, wasn’t it? Benrey was human, in all its divinity.

And it was the most godly he’s ever felt.

He felt his uncountable eyes blink staggered as he took in the new light- he wasn’t the towering beast he was fifteen years ago, but he didn’t _need_ to be. He felt something squeeze his hand, something small, and he looked down to Gordon, staring back up at him with a soft look palpable even behind the dirty lens of his glasses.

“Benrey?” Gordon asked. And Benrey knew he wasn’t scared. He was simply asking out of concern- it all really _was_ different.

“I don’t think this guy has a passport.” Benrey replied, his voice reverberating in his own throat, but the strength behind it, controlled, _his_ -

 _This_ was Benrey.

* * *

Tommy and Josh made their way down as far as they could before the platforms stopped entirely. They still towered above the scene, but they were closer than they were- even so, a staggering drop lay before them.

“Dad!” Josh yelled out, trying to get Gordon’s attention, but the noise of the fight drowned him out. Josh stepped away from the edge of the platform- the vertigo was definitely hitting him now. He’d spent the last few days traversing some of the tallest structures he’d ever been up on, but now was absolutely the worst one.

Tommy turned, directing his attention to his father. The platform was still above him, just by the nature of the construction of Xen, but he was closer. And could clearly see the vast entity before him.

Tommy’s always known that he and his father weren’t human. Of course not- Tommy’s got his father’s glowing eyes, and, to a lesser degree, some of his own abilities. After all, there was a reason Tommy didn’t have a “final power mode” during the boss fight with Benrey. Unleashing that- it was too dangerous, at the time. He wasn’t trying to get anybody killed. He still wasn’t. He’d never want that.

But he still had his instinct to contend with. But he could hold it off. He had to.

It couldn’t be like last time.

There was a sudden noise akin to a rocket blasting, an unsteady yelp following before Tommy and Josh were suddenly face to face with Darnold, hovering a few feet above them before dropping down onto their platform, not quite gracefully, but with a small flourish as he extinguished the flame on his heels.

“Jet boots!” Darnold exclaimed, a little out of breath, but nonetheless, here. Tommy quickly embraced him, the hug returned before letting go and turning back to the creature, still very much attacking, but starting to look a little worse for wear. “Is that Nihilanth?”

“W- What?” Tommy replied back, more caught off-guard than anything.

“The- in the code, the original boss, before-“

“That’s- Darnold, that’s my _dad_.”

* * *

A smile broke across Gordon’s face, Benrey matching the same expression before they charged into the fray. Benrey roared while Dr. Coomer released a battle cry, Gordon getting back to Bubby as the four teamed up, taking the beast head on.

The creature wailed again, making a swipe for the crowd bunched together, but they worked together, avoiding the grasp as Bubby and Gordon fired the Gluon and the MP-5 while Dr. Coomer launched himself with his power-legs and beat righteous fury. Benrey boomed again, and the creature recoiled, slightly, but still noticeable, as four skeletons erupted up from the ground, a choir flying up into the air in their own macabre dance as they twirled around the entity, singing Sweet Voice at it, creating some kind of halo around its head, trying to cocoon it.

The beast wailed again, reaching out for the group with a massive hand, black tar and Sweet Voice dripping from its maw and into the water below. It seemed to make a reach for Bubby and Gordon- and Gordon would’ve gotten maimed if Bubby hadn’t yelled at him to get away.

Or would he have?

He couldn’t help thinking back to the boss fight with Benrey. Not necessarily different in concept, but very different in execution. Back then, Benrey absolutely wasn’t himself, not able to break through the code, and was actually trying to hurt the team, shifting into bodies incomprehensible and genuinely attacking them. But here- Gordon noticed it most on that last swipe- like the creature adjusted itself to not actually get him. Like it was pretending to put up a fight while the four of them genuinely gave it their all. And by the looks of it, it was working, slowly but surely. The creature was beginning to get worn down, sludge and blood and grime seeping from where they hit it, showing up on the otherwise pristinely kept white sleeves and navy, subtle pinstripe of a once neatly kept suit jacket, nearly unrecognizable beneath the tribulations of Xen the four were putting it through.

Wait.

What the fuck _was this_.

* * *

Darnold’s eyes widened as he blanched with the realization. He looked over to Josh, still very much himself, then back to Tommy.

“Oh.” Darnold struggled for words for a moment. “Why- that doesn’t-“

“Oh no,” Josh suddenly spoke up. “He’s- oh, god, Tommy I’m- I’m so sorry, I told him to try to make it right, I didn’t think-“

“Josh- I- I appreciate, it, but, don’t, get caught up on that, because, we’ve- we’ve- there are, bigger things, right now.” Tommy said. He was all too familiar with the natural inclination to get caught up on the small stuff, and while this wasn’t necessarily small, it wasn’t helpful. Tommy knew that all too well from dealing with his own anxiety. And while he felt on the edge of spiraling too, there was still time to _fix_ _this_ , somehow. He _had_ to.

Josh nodded, taking a deep breath and gathering himself together.

“Okay. Okay, yeah, you’re right.” He said. If Tommy could react like this, the very least he could do was also keep it together. He wasn’t the one whose father was the final boss.

He wasn’t the final boss himself- he was still reeling from that, having spent the last two days building himself up for this very moment. And now?

And now- he didn’t know. But he did know he needed to focus, and he needed to help the team. He snapped back to attention as a sudden, victorious shout resounded through the cave, somehow cutting through all the sound of the fight.

“ **Train and fight, Gordon!** ” Came the yell. Josh leaned over, gazing over the edge. It was still hard to pick up any concrete details of the scene, but something was definitely different with Dr. Coomer. He shouted in a deep baritone now, his fists aglow in a blue light, his extend-o arms ripping through the sleeves of his lab coat- Josh looked over to Tommy and Darnold for some sort of explanation.

“Gordon’s PlayCoins must’ve gone through.” Darnold said.

“ _PlayCoins_?” Josh reiterated.

“Mr. Freeman’s- his save data,” Tommy started, eyes widening at the realization. “They’re gonna- I- we, we have to get down there. N- Now.” He said, swallowing hard. “If, if the PlayCoins went through…” Tommy thought for a moment before bringing a hand up to his lips, a high, sharp whistle echoing through the cave. Not a moment longer, Josh heard a very familiar, friendly bark, turning his attention toward it as Sunkist clipped through the rocky wall, green Sweet Voice trailing behind her as she bounded through the air, landing on the platform with an excited tail wag. She was a lot bigger since the last time Josh saw her, more the size of a horse than a dog, but nonetheless, Tommy went over to her, giving her a brief pet.

“Sunkist can _fly_?!” Josh asked, incredulous nonetheless.

“With- with the PlayCoins.” Tommy explained. “Every- everybody’s gotta have a final boss form, you know?” Sunkist knelt down, and Tommy hoisted himself up, swinging a leg over her and holding a hand out to Josh and Darnold. “We better, get a move on, then. Still, still got a game to beat.”

“Tommy-“ Darnold started. Tommy shook his head, determination filling his voice as he spoke.

“It’s going to be different.”

* * *

Gordon didn’t have more time to interrogate that notion before he turned his eye up to the platforms around them, something massive, golden and fluffy catching his attention as it descended down.

“Hold off!” Gordon yelled out to the team. It probably wasn’t the best plan, but this was obviously Sunkist. Sure, considering last time, she was immune to bullets, being the most perfect, immortal dog, and all, but from the glimpse of a propeller hat, the flash of jet boots, and the familiar sheen of the HEV suit- he wasn’t going to risk it.

The four below scattered somewhat as Sunkist landed, Darnold, Tommy, and Joshua dismounting from her, back on the somewhat solid ground of Xen.

“Josh!” Gordon called out. Josh whipped over to him, not a second passing before they made their way back to each other, Josh nearly knocking the wind out of Gordon in a hug.

The fighting immediately halted- even the beast ceased its rampage, or whatever semblance of one it had, as the group came together, and Tommy stood firm, in front of the team, the massive silhouette of the final boss shading him. Even now, he was actively fighting his own instinct, but he had to understand. There had to be something.

Tommy faced the beast, another shriek ripping from its throat as Tommy stepped closer, keeping his hands gripped tight around his arms as he made his way forward, if only to keep himself from unsheathing his guns. As he got closer, it seemed to draw back- like this was another thing it hadn’t planned for.

But he was not incapable of change. And neither was his father. And maybe none of this was necessarily either of their faults, or anyone’s, for that matter. If they were all code, after all. If it was all fake.

Nonetheless, he had spent a lot of time thinking everything was his fault. He was tired. The hurt still lay, a hot coal in the center of his chest. And part of him wondered if he ever did put it out, would the smoke choke and close his throat.

Another cry echoed through the cave, something that the team actually listened to, this time. Still a deeply unsettling noise, something echoing at the core of themselves. But it sounded wounded. Hunted. The remaining six found themselves getting closer together- Josh and Gordon stayed shoulder to shoulder, Benrey just behind them, wary, ready to strike again if need be, but the eyes around him starting to close and blink out of the plane as he began to shift back to a more human form, the skeletons he called upon disappearing back into the ground. Bubby and Dr. Coomer kept themselves at the ready, lowering their weapons anyway, while Darnold and Sunkist stayed back with them.

Tommy stopped walking once he reached the edge of the pit the creature emerged from. And he waited. Patient. Gentle. And it seemed the beast knew there wasn’t a way to avoid this- it stopped, slowly, uncoiling itself and resting its claws once again on the ground it towered out of, lowering itself down as much as it could to Tommy’s level. The face began to come back together, fractals and pieces of the ceramic reverting back to something closer to human- probably as human as it could get, in this state. Tommy shifted as he craned up to meet its eyes, now back to facing forward, still illuminating the scene in that unearthly, familiar blue.

“Hi, Dad.” Tommy said. Loud enough for the others to pick up on.

The realization hit them all heavily, unable to do much else besides watch the scene before them. They didn’t know it was him, and G-Man tried to keep it that way as long as he could.

He must have had every intention of dying to get them out.

Tommy sighed heavily as he tried to get his words together. It didn’t help he had to look up- he was far more used to talking with others looking down. It was more comfortable. This felt all too vulnerable.

“We- we have some, talking, to do, I think.” He started. G-Man seemed to be in thought for a moment before slowly shaking his head, pointing a claw to one of the guns on Tommy’s belt. He pushed the massive hand away. “That’s- we’re not doing that. I don’t- we’re not ending the game like that.” He continued. “There’s- Benrey, had, a big, monologue, last time, and, and I kept telling everyone, that we had to understand, but- he didn’t, _want_ , to be the final boss. He didn’t, choose, that.” Tommy turned back to the group, for a moment, looking to Benrey- he felt uncomfortable putting words into someone else’s mouth, but Benrey nodded anyway, confirming what Tommy said.

“This- your plan, changed. You, changed it. This, was intentional, wasn’t it?” Tommy continued.

G-Man nodded.

“Okay. Okay.” He pursed his lips, getting his thoughts together once again. “Uh, well, I think- I think, it’s not, supposed to be like this. The- the final boss, mechanic. The game, didn’t plan for, this, to happen. I don’t think it planned for any of this to happen.” He sighed. “It’s very simple, here. B- Benrey said it, earlier, I- you weren’t there, but, it’s all, ones and zeros. Good or bad. And, I don’t know, if it ever planned, for three-dimensional, people. It’s simple here, but-“ Tommy turned back to the team, to Darnold- his partner. His brilliant partner. “-But, just because, we’re A.I., it doesn’t mean we’re not, fundamentally, human.” Tommy looked to his father.

“Do, do you think, you’re capable of change, Dad?”

G-Man hesitated. His eyes left his son’s, briefly, looking to the group behind him.

A very different team than the ones he tracked progress of, years ago. A congregation that had become so cohesive within each other that, even now, still worked to keep each other safe. He watched Josh shift a little closer to his father, keeping his gaze down- perhaps uncomfortable under the stare of the man who put him through so much. G-Man could understand that. He was starting to understand his own discomfort at knowing he did that. He saw Gordon put an arm over his shoulder, and even from far away, there was still a distrust in his eyes G-Man could recognize. He understood. Even now, they both, simply, wanted to keep their children safe.

No, G-Man did not account for Gordon Freeman to appear in the game, once he realized it was Josh playing instead. This whole mess was a series of ill-thought out plots, skewed by hurt, skewed by not being able to see his son and begin trying to make things right again. From the birthday party, he knew Tommy had yet to actually warm up to him, and that was fine, because G-Man’s never been much of a warm person in the first place, but it was still a beginning that, he felt, was taken away from him with the hiatus.

But Tommy was here. And Tommy was trying something different. Something that had the opportunity for change. Something that told him Tommy _wanted_ change- and maybe G-Man wanted that too.

A long time ago, he had asked Gordon to keep his progeny safe. And maybe he asked him because G-Man didn’t know if he could do that for Tommy. But Tommy never needed anyone to do that- he’d shown that time and time again, that he was more than capable of not only keeping himself, but the Science Team, safe. And G-Man recognized that now, as something fundamental about his son that he didn’t understand- was starting to understand. Hopefully not too late.

Tommy never _needed_ protection. Joshua, by nature of being a human teenager, did. More than that, both of them did need a family. Both of them needed their fathers.

G-Man looked back to his own son, standing below him.

He would quite like to be a family. He was never sure how to do it. But it was time to try.

G-Man nodded. More sure of himself. Trying to signal that he _wanted_ to be capable of change. Tommy nodded back.

“I think, I think you are too. I think, we’ve all, kind of, gone beyond this, huh?” It sounded like Tommy was saying it more to himself than to G-Man. He waited for Tommy to say more. Tommy supplied. “I’m- I’m gonna be honest, I- we need to talk, before, we can, get past, this. And, and you have to make it right, with Mr. Freeman, and Joshua. But, I want to talk. If, you want to.” G-Man immediately nodded, still slow, but faster than he had previously. Of course he did. Of course.

“Good. That’s- that’s, I understand. I understand.” Tommy said. There was a few moments of silence between them. “This is all, very, um, complicated. And, and we _are_ talking, later, because, this wasn’t right. And there’s, a lot, to fix, on both of us, I think. But, you’re, you’re still my dad, you know? And, I care about you. And I know, you care about me too. So, I think, that’s something to, to work off of.”

And something very new, and very strange, happened. G-Man, eldritch space god, otherworldly, cosmic, vast, and, for a time, above trivial matters such as human connection, felt a pulling in his chest, overwhelming him, more than anything in the world, on Xen, in the game, all of it. He _knew_ he _cared_ \- despite everything. He had a lot to make up for. To the Science Team. To Gordon, and Joshua. To Tommy. But he wanted to. He wanted to make it right. And he was going to learn to make it right, in the right way.

He hadn’t noticed the top of the cavern getting farther, and farther away. He hadn’t noticed his oxfords now touched the ground, water definitely ruining the leather, not that he could necessarily find it to care. He hadn’t noticed that he didn’t need to look down at the Science Team anymore- not any more than he usually did, anyway. And in front of him was his son, a mixture of surprise, and shock, and astonishment, that his idea pulled through. That making a motion to begin understanding the seemingly incomprehensible and esoteric _worked_.

Tommy would’ve never made someone good to follow the family business, and get hired by G-Man’s own employers, one day. The job required an aggressive mercilessness and an inherent nihilism at the state of things that his son never possessed. As much as he tried to instill those values into him, it just never clicked. And there was a pit of something in G-Man’s chest, knowing that he had spent so long trying to mold his son into something he just _wasn’t_. But Tommy stayed true to himself anyway.

And G-Man was so proud of the person his son grew into be. Because children weren’t vessels for unfulfilled dreams, human or not. There was a reason Joshua wasn’t a theoretical physicist. And there was a reason Tommy wasn’t G-Man.

An awkward motion, that G-Man had watched Gordon do with his own son, and one never practiced here, but making a commitment to trying, G-Man put his hands on Tommy’s shoulders. Heavy, but hopefully, fatherly.

“Tommy,” G-Man began, throat rough, but pushing onwards. He practiced this, at least. “I’m, so sorry, to you. I would, very much, like to start, talking with you, again. But, I, deeply hope, you do not feel, obligated, to, forgive me-“

And he was suddenly cut off, arms tight around him.

“I- I’d like to start.” Tommy replied back.

G-Man couldn’t remember the last time he hugged his son. And, he thinks, perhaps, he never has, truthfully.

But now is as good as any time to start.

G-Man carefully put his arms back around Tommy, a firm hand on his back, closing his eyes as the world began to fade to white.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im tender-hearted !! i couldnt end this on a bitter note. its that guy fieri meme where hes driving in his car and it's captioned "i can survive any pain as long as it has meaning" hdhfdbakdj
> 
> but for all intents and purposes, play again is coming to a close !! thanks so much for being so patient w/ this last chapter, school and life have been kind of kicking my ass, but it feels good to get this out. 
> 
> thank you all for all the comments, kudos and hits ! we passed 10k hits today and that's absolutely buckwild to me. thank you so so so much!! <3


	23. Father and Son, Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team say their goodbyes- well, not goodbyes. "See you later"'s.

“ _Dr. Freeman,”_

Gordon’s eyes shot open- what happened? Something, good, he was pretty sure, but everything faded away, and now-

Now he was on a train. Why was this one so much longer? More spacious, like, more people were supposed to be here. And a voice called out to him, but a voice that really didn’t sound like G-Man-

“I think you mean ‘Professor Freeman’!” Gordon whipped around at the new voice- Dr. Coomer and Bubby sat on one of the sets of seats, Dr. Coomer as cheerful as ever.

“Got ‘em.” Bubby replied, holding out his hand for a high five, which Dr. Coomer took, shaking it instead. Bubby accepted anyway.

“Dr. Coomer- Bubby-“ Gordon said, still trying to get his bearings. “What- what are you guys doing here? Where’s everyone- who was the-“

“Dr. Freeman!” The same voice said, much closer to Gordon now- he nearly jumped out of his skin as he turned, greeted with a bright flash and peals of laughter from Joshua as Benrey lowered his camera and gave him a very self-satisfied smirk. And behind them, near the steering panel, petting a much more normally-sized Sunkist, was Darnold.

“I tried to talk them out of it, Gordon, but they made a very convincing case for scaring you.” Darnold explained. Gordon exhaled heavily, still trying to get his heart rate under control. Of course he was glad to see everyone, but, Jesus, he needed a minute.

“And, what case, would that be?” Gordon asked slowly, gathering himself together.

“Hi-res scans of your face, bro. Adding to the collection,” Benrey supplied, waving the camera around. “Fuckin’, wait ‘til I get all these bad boys developed. Uh, scrapbook fulla memories.” Gordon put his face in his hands- no matter what, there was never an end to the consistent march of shenanigans the Science Team provided. As he took his head out of his palms, he turned to sit in the seats opposite Bubby and Dr. Coomer, only to find Tommy and G-Man already occupying them.

“That, was… An adequate, impression, Joshua. We’ll… Work, on it.” G-Man said.

“Shit!” Josh jumped back- at least Gordon wasn’t the only one reeling from all of this, but all the same. “I- Sorry, I didn’t-“ G-Man simply put a hand up. Josh kept his eyes down at the ground, embarrassment burning on his face. Gordon went over to Josh, immediately putting some kind of barrier between G-Man and his son. Despite everything, there was still a lot of uncertainty, and he wasn’t about to let everything that had happened slide.

“Okay, what’s happening?” Gordon started. “Like, are we all- no offense, you guys aren’t supposed to be on the tram. Like, last time- I mean- I guess anything’s possible, but-“

“I have, similar, questions, Mr. Freeman,” G-Man said back. “Ones, I do not, have, answers to,” There was a long pause as G-Man continued to gather his thoughts. “If, I had to guess, I would, assume, this is where, we say goodbye.”

“…Oh,” Gordon said. Conflicted. “Um. No birthday party?”

Perhaps a plea for a little more time with the Science Team.

“It’s- it’s not my birthday, Mr. Freeman.” Tommy said.

“In, the original game, here, at the end, I’d offer you, a choice. Either, get put into stasis, or, throw you into a battle, you have, no possible chance, of winning,” G-Man supplied. “But now, I’m, unsure, what exactly, will happen, when you go through, that portal. But, I can assume, that’s your way, back, home.” He continued, directing everyone’s attention to the tram door, now opened, glowing green around the threshold. Gordon pursed his lips.

“I… What happened? Back on Xen? With, everything.”

“The beginning, of, change, Mr. Freeman,” G-Man said, giving a tight, but genuine look to Tommy before turning his attention back to Gordon. “I simply ask, that you, find a way, to keep us, together. As, a family.”

“Perhaps a data transfer?” Dr. Coomer offered. “I still wouldn’t object to a round of Super Punch-Out!! For the Super Nintendo Entertainment System!”

“That’s… That’s really it?” Gordon said. “I mean, not, ‘it’, that was all, a lot, but- I don’t- we’re all, different people, than last time, there has to be-“

“I’m not, the most fond, of this, predicament, either, Mr. Freeman,” G-Man said. “And, I agree, whole-heartedly, with you. But, we’re still, code. You, and your son, are not.”

“Hang on-“ Josh cut in. “You sure? Like, with the whole, final boss, stuff-“

“Yes, Joshua,” G-Man confirmed. “Too, human, for the confines of this, space. I do not know, what, would’ve happened, if, you were, the boss, truthfully. Something, potentially, world breaking. At least, this world. The code, was having trouble, and acting up, the closer, you all got, to the center, of Xen. And, there was already, a certain, hostility, towards me, from, all of you, in one way, or another. Not, undeserved, I understand. But in its, weakened, condition, it was, simple, to, fix the problem. Not, exactly, ‘remarkably easy’, but, simple.”

“…So…”

“So, you, and your father, can, return home, in, relatively, the same condition, you left.”

“…Was kinda looking forward to, like, freaking people out by clipping through a wall or something.” Josh joked. Maybe to soften the blow of having to leave the team here. The information hadn’t sunk in, entirely, everyone more focused on the final fight, but now, there was all the room in the world to let the hurt sit.

That this was truly goodbye.

“Gets old after a bit,” Benrey said. “’Sides, we always got, uh, top ten Gordon Scared-man moments, caught on film,” There was a lull before Benrey exhaled slowly. “But, uh, you guys gotta get home. You gotta, you gotta go to your preppy club.” Josh let out a sort of tired laugh, putting his hands to his face and letting them drag down.

“Shit, I haven’t even _thought_ about school,” Josh lamented. “That’s gonna be, a lot.“ He continued- perhaps his mind was somewhere other than school, which was more than understandable. Maybe talking more about the insurmountable amount of unpacking he’d have to do.

“We’ll figure it out, bud,” Gordon said. “One step at a time.”

A promise. Something he knew, something G-Man himself was figuring out. That being a father is a learning process, and there’s always more to understand. Gordon, more than anything, wanted to impart the idea onto his son that it’s okay to be vulnerable, and talk about his feelings- he recognized now, maybe, despite everything, he hadn’t been the best at that in the past, but now was the time to show him that it’s okay to do just that. Yes, there are going to be bad, hard days- but Gordon is going to be here for him, no matter what.

And maybe Gordon can do his own healing too. It’d be hard, without the Science Team physically there, but he’d figure it out.

One step at a time.

* * *

The Science Team had already said some flavor of goodbye, before Xen. This was a little different. The team, mostly, had already done their process of acceptance. It was still hard, but it was the state of things. Nonetheless, they all took as long as they needed to, not to say a true goodbye, but a promise to see them all later. Perhaps in another state. But soon.

Josh and the Science Team found themselves closer to the front of the tram, talking, petting Sunkist, listening to a few more stories from Dr. Coomer and Bubby, just as something to keep his mind occupied on the journey back, whatever that looked like, while Gordon sat away from the group. Letting everyone do what they needed to do. He didn’t notice G-Man was standing next to him until he made a noise in the back of his throat, obviously trying to get Gordon’s attention. It worked.

“May I, join you, Mr. Freeman?” G-Man asked, gesturing to the seat across from him. Gordon sat up a little straighter, crossing his arms and mulling the idea over before eventually settling on an answer.

“Sure,” He said, a little curt, as G-Man took the seat. Silence persisted.

“…Mr. Freeman-“

“I’m not happy with you,” Gordon started, quiet. “I know, we’re all acting buddy-buddy, but, you put my son through a lot of shit. I had, so much, to mentally, and emotionally, and physically, just, slog through, when I left here, and, there was an opportunity for him to not have to go through that. And I don’t think you know how _lucky_ you are that he’s a forgiving person. I am too. Usually. In situations when it’s needed,” He exhaled slowly, taking off his glasses and staring at G-Man, intense. “Not when it comes to my son.”

Gordon Freeman, college professor, doctor of theoretical physics, by all accounts, a man as normal as he was trying to be, someone who’s biggest plan this weekend was tending to his cucumber bush in the garden and pruning Mr. Vizzini’s neglected tomato plant, had one more very important aspect of himself. He’s a father. A father who would stop at nothing to provide the best possible life he could for his son. And so help _anybody_ who stepped in the way of that, even if they were interdimensional space gods. Because, if there’s one thing being back in Black Mesa has taught Gordon, it’s that absolutely nothing would keep him from being the best father he could be. And he’s making a commitment to himself, to Josh, to keep learning, and keep doing better. As good of a father as he is, he’d be an idiot to assume he was ever done improving, and being better.

But this- Gordon’s dealt with teachers, and other parents, and adults who don’t know or don’t want to understand how to work with and help his son. He’s dealt with it all. And G-Man, at the moment, is just another obstacle Gordon Freeman, _the righteous motherfucker_ who went through all this shit _twice_ _over_ , there and back again, can get through. He’s done it all before, hasn’t he?

“Listen to me. You did something extremely reckless. And you made a step to do the right thing, at the end. And I know you’re learning how to do better. But this was _not_ okay. And I don’t know how, but you’re going to help me help my son. Because, if what I went through is anything to go by, there’s going to be a very long, and hard road ahead of him. And it _shouldn’t_ be like that. You _know_ that. But it is, and I had no one to help me. I’m not letting Josh go through that alone. So, if you’re committed to being family, what that means is mending, and doing what you can to help heal the people you’ve hurt.” Gordon sighed, gathering his thoughts, lowering the intensity of his delivery, but keeping the strength behind it. “I’m not going to leave you all behind, this time. And I’ll come back, and we’ll figure out how to get you all to a new space that’s, you know, better. But, if you’ve really changed, and you feel human, then, you take everything that comes with it. Even the really hard stuff.”

“I, understand, Mr. Freeman,” G-Man replied, not entirely used to being the one on the other end of intimidation. But, as Gordon said, it was part of whatever agreement they were striking. “…What would, you suggest, I do, to start, making this, right?”

“I… I really don’t know, yet,” Gordon admitted. “But, you know, if we’re talking, keeping the communication open, and all of that, I’m- you know, I’m sure we can figure out something.” He paused, looking over to his son, surrounded by the Science Team.

There must’ve been something funny, because Tommy was talking, gesticulating with his hands despite holding one of Darnold’s, Benrey was mid-laugh, and Josh was in the center of it all, sitting on the steering panel, a sort of unselfconscious, sincere smile. Tired, definitely. Something hinting behind his eyes that he wasn’t leaving this place unscathed. But even after everything, he could still take the time to enjoy himself with the ragtag little family he found himself in the middle of.

G-Man noticed the furrow in Gordon’s brow.

“…You’re worried, Mr. Freeman.”

“’Course I am,” He said. He put his glasses back on his face, deciding they had moved past this particular point in the conversation. “…I just… He deserved better. He still deserves better. He- he deserves the best,” He pursed his lips. “I don’t know why I’m telling you this. But, it’s… Sometimes, I worry, I’m too fucked up. From this. From, life. Everything. Like, too much bad shit has happened for me to be good enough. To be a father, good enough, for him.”

“…I don’t, think, I’m, the best person, to be, giving, parental advice, Mr. Freeman-“

“-You’re not.”

“-But,” G-Man continued. “Can I give you, human advice?” Gordon almost snorted, but considered it.

“…Alright. Why not.”

“…Perhaps, there is, a lot, of bad, in the world. And, a lot of bad, that’s, happened, and been done. That the game, and I, have, done, specifically. But, I believe, we became fathers, to make good. To do good. Because, a person, dedicated, and, actively working, to raise, someone better than themselves, has to be good.” G-Man took a moment of pause. “Joshua, is, a very, good person, Mr. Freeman. I have, a deep suspicion, that the code, struggled to make him, the boss, in part, because of his humanity, but, more so, his base self.”

“I can’t take credit for that. It’s who he is.”

“I’m, not asking you, to take credit.” G-Man continued. “I’m, asking you, to pause, and recognize, you had, a significant part, in that. He’s very much, your son, Mr. Freeman. Even if, he’s not, exactly, you.” The last part sounded more like G-Man was talking to himself rather than Gordon, but he took it anyway. G-Man looked back to the Science Team, to his own son, a reserved smile on his face. “I don’t, know much, about being a parent, truthfully. But, they make us, who we are, as much as, we do, them, I believe.”

“…Yeah. That’s right.” He exhaled slowly. “…Thanks.” G-Man nodded.

“I’m sorry, for, what I put you, and Joshua through. It wasn’t, my best, moment.”

“No, yeah, wasn’t great. And there’s still, uh, a lot, I’m going to expect of you, moving forward from this.” Gordon replied, taking a moment before continuing. “But, you know, it probably wasn’t my best moment, to leave you guys here, for so long. I didn’t- I didn’t realize all the, implications, of what that would do. But, um, I’m sorry, too.”

“After, I took you, to the rat’s, family entertainment center, and, everything.”

“Was-“ Gordon released a sudden, unexpected laugh. “Was that a joke?”

“I would, never joke, about something, as serious, as the nature of, Chuck E. Cheese’s.”

“You know it’s a restaurant, right?”

“Mr. Freeman, as much, as I’d like, to destroy you, in a, battle of intellect, I believe, you have, others, to talk to.“ G-Man concluded, looking over, directing Gordon’s attention to Benrey, catching his eye across the tram. “I’ll be, seeing you, again. Hopefully, soon.” He said, standing up, adjusting his tie, before offering a hand out to Gordon. A truce, an offer of equity and equality between them- a continued partnership in the business of fatherhood.

One Gordon accepted, shaking his hand. G-Man gave him another nod before heading to the other end of the train, joining the rest of the group, and switching places with Benrey, who walked over to the aisle of seats Gordon found himself in. Gordon met Josh’s eyes once more, his son turning to him with that same smile before giving him a thumbs-up as Benrey joined him.

“’Sup. Friend.” Benrey said.

“Hey,” Gordon responded. “You wanna, sit?” Benrey considered it, for a moment.

“…Hug?” He asked. Gordon smiled.

“…Yeah, hug.” He agreed, standing up and wrapping his arms around Benrey. Another moment punctuated by quiet, Benrey returning the motion and Gordon giving a final squeeze before letting go.

“Man, can’t even, can’t even believe you were holding out on good best friend Benny. Kept askin’ you for a hug last time. I guess I get it. Gotta… Gotta keep that shit under wraps. Contraband. Can’t let everyone know you give S-rank hugs-“

“Yep, my special secret,” Gordon laughed, sitting back in his seat with a sigh, all the exhaustion of the last few days catching up with him as he threw his arms over the back of the seat, stretching out. Benrey shifted on his feet briefly before taking the seat next to Gordon, almost timid.

“So…” Benrey started.

“So,” Gordon replied. Really? He just confronted an all-powerful space god, but talking to Benrey was too much. Got it. That tracked, anyway. Great. Gordon- _talk_! “That, final boss, power, surge, form, was, cool.”

Damn it, Gordon.

“Whuh? Oh, uh, yeah. Didn’t, didn’t know I could do that.” Benrey said.

“Do you have, like, Sweet Voice, back?”

“Kinda? I’ve got, like, final boss, powers, but, different? They’re like… Protector… Powers… That are very... Same. I dunno.” Benrey sighed. “I’m always gonna be kinda fucked up. I think, uh, you know, I think maybe I was always, supposed to be like this. Always gonna be a funky little alien dude, thing. Maybe, uh, maybe that’s part of why, the game, couldn’t, uh, handle this.” He said, gesturing out to the whole of the tram. “Tried to take my shit from me. No thanks, **buddy** , that’s mine, ha ha.”

“Guess there was a lot working against the code.”

“Yeah.”

Gordon’s had some pretty bad small talk. They were bound to happen. But this was just painful. He wasn’t entirely sure what to say, or how to begin what he wanted to say, or where to go from here.

“I’m gonna do something gay,” Benrey said before Gordon could get lost in his head any more.

“What?” Gordon started, before his hand resting over the back of the seat was suddenly taken, fingers interlacing with his. Lucky it was his left hand, but even if it was the prosthetic, Gordon would’ve definitely felt the vibe there all the same. He looked to their hands, then back up to Benrey’s face, now a little closer, considering how Benrey essentially put his arm over him now, and- when the fuck did he get vivid pink irises like that? That- oh.

New Sweet Voice. He guessed it made sense, with the whole, eye motif, he already had going on.

Gordon coughed.

“Um. It’s not, necessarily, gay, to, hold, hands. That’s just like, a thing. Everybody holds hands-“

“Maybe. Uh. Maybe I mean it. In a gay way.” Benrey said quietly. “It doesn’t- um- like, uh, whatever, though.”

Oh.

“Oh.”

He had to say something better than _that_.

“Your eyes are really pretty.” Good _Christ_ , Gordon.

“That’s _really_ gay, dude.” Benrey laughed. “Well, I mean, you said it, so, I guess, that was really, bisexual.”

“That- yeah, that was… Yeah.” Gordon agreed.

“But, uh, you’re not saying ‘no homo’, though.”

“Can you not talk like an asshole on X-Box?”

“Fuck X-Box. You _know_ I’m, like, Playstation all the way. The most advanced gaming console of all time, number one, in, graphics, and, frames per second, and-”

“I don’t even _know_ how this would _work_ -“

“How what would work?”

“Th- the _this_ \- the-“

“Uh, excuse me. ‘Scuse me. Friend. Need you to, uh, get out of your big dumb head for a second. One sec? Please?” Gordon sighed, but didn’t say anything. Benrey took that as an indicator to keep going. “Just like. Chill out. Hold my hand. Maybe, uh, maybe even in a gay alien and bisexual man kind of way. Y’know."

“Jesus, Benrey.” Gordon cut him off. “I mean… I- yes. Um. Yeah.”

“Yeah?”

“I- yes. Yes, I will, hold hands with you, in, the gay and bisexual way.”

“Nice.”

There was a period of silence, Gordon shifting so he was sitting a little more upright, Benrey leaning on the HEV suit chest plate, both of them getting a little closer together. Until Gordon suddenly sighed, shaking his head with a tired laugh.

“Why’s life so, fucking, weird, man?”

“You’re, you’re gonna ask me that? Fuckin’, I don’t know. Maybe ‘cause you’re weird.”

“You’re calling _me_ weird?”

“Fuckin’, yeah, man. I don’t, uh, I don’t know too many human people, but, like, I feel like they can’t survive getting, like, green radiation goo in their open, cut off arm wound for, however long, that was. And then, like, go through all this shit _again_. I bet you’re all kinds of fucked up. I think you’re weirder than me.”

“Benrey- I- during my run I had god-mode on.”

“Yo, what?”

“Yeah- dude- like, I’m pretty sure I would’ve died before the tutorial if I hadn’t done that.”

“Well. Uh. That explains. A lot.” Benrey thought for a moment before shrugging. “I dunno, though. Still not convinced. Maybe you’re more alien than I am. Weirdo.”

“You can’t call me weird when your eyes literally change color now. You’ve got mood-ring eyes.”

“Maybe they could always do that. You don’t know.”

“Benrey-“

“Yeah?”

“I…” Gordon paused, getting his thoughts together, holding Benrey’s hand a little tighter. “I just- I’m just gonna miss you. And I wish you could come with. I wish all you guys could come with. I feel like I just started making things, right, with you guys, and I don’t know how it’s going to work, this time-“

“You didn’t know how it was gonna work, uh, last time, either. I assume.” Gordon shrugged.

“I don’t know. I think I was too, um, mentally out of it, to think about that.”

“That makes sense,” Benrey sighed. “But, like, we’re not goin’ anywhere. Just, come back, you know.”

“I know,” Gordon agreed. “I’m coming back. ‘Course I’m coming back.”

“Well, uh, good, then. You got nothin’ to be sad about.”

“What about you?” Benrey shrugged.

“We’ll, uh, you know. Figure it out.”

“Yeah,” Gordon sighed. “You’re just- very human, Benrey. All of you are. It’s not fair.”

“Who’s fault is that, dumbass. Stop making me feel human things, I don’t know,” Benrey said. “Besides.”

“Besides what?”

“Can humans do _this_?” Benrey said before clipping half way through the seat, keeping his hand above it, still holding Gordon’s, but now at a perfectly diagonal angle, somehow kept there, by, something. Gordon jumped, but laughed, squeezing Benrey’s hand as he squeezed back.

* * *

The dissection of goodbye is complex. Usually, endings that are permanent don’t feel that way until we look back on them. In retrospect, all the signs are there, but there’s never true closure accompanied with them. The feeling lingers.

And as the Science Team said theirs, and hugged, and shook hands and made jokes out of parting words, and in between promises of “for now”, a similar feeling lingered.

But, perhaps, that’s the simple nature of goodbye. A chapter finished, a story completed. Life continues beyond it, but the weight of the closing cover on the book rests uneasy in the hand.

That was very much the way Gordon and Joshua Freeman felt, as they stepped through the final portal, the world flashing green and going black for the last time.

* * *

Josh groaned, squeezing his eyes tight before opening them, trying to adjust to where he found himself now. It was pitch dark in this space, but immediately, the familiar smell of _home_ got him upright- the scent of laundry detergent, the faint draft coming in from the window cracked open an inch, the hint of the balsam candle Josh kept in his bedroom, unlit, of course, but enough that just the wax added to the olfactory ambiance.

It hit Josh all at once, that this was the first thing he was actually smelling in… However long it’s been. How long was he in there? He moved himself off the carpet, unused to not having the HEV suit weighing him down, seeing even in the subtle moonlight streaming through his window that he was still in the same clothes he entered the game in. But as he stood, another dawning realization washed over him- he needed something to _eat_. He wasn’t starving or anything, but food in general just sounded really good right now. And he needed a shower. And he needed to sleep. He needed a lot of things. He looked over to the alarm clock on his bedside table, the red LED cutting through the darkness.

2:03am. Saturday.

Huh. He beat his dad’s play through by two days. “Speedrunner strats”, that’s probably what Benrey would say. Josh felt a small twinge in his heart- Benrey wasn’t even here to confirm or deny that.

His eyes were adjusting more to the darkness- he wasn’t quite ready to turn on the light, yet, on the precipice of overwhelm just from being back here again. Even so, he could still make out the silhouette of the virtual reality headset, and the controllers accompanying it, on his desk, next to his keyboard, placed almost innocently.

“Josh?” Came a voice beyond his door- he remembered it was closed when he got in the game, but his dad must’ve left it open when he joined him. He turned around at the sound, just as the hallway light clicked on, the crest of yellow bathing the room in its glow. Josh squinted, putting his hand up to his eyes, still adjusting, but in the threshold was his father, a hand on the frame, looking right back at him.

They stood like that for a few moments, unsure of where to begin, what to say, how to even start with each other. Gordon walked over to hug Josh, and at first, it was reciprocated, but Josh recoiled, the overwhelm catching up with him fully.

Gordon mentally smacked himself- of course. He’s felt nothing but HEV suit for nearly a week. Gordon wasn’t quite in the same position, but he could completely understand.

One step at a time.

“Sorry, I-“ Josh started. Gordon waved him off.

“No, I- I totally get it. It’s… Yeah.” Gordon thought for a moment. “Do you want the light off?”

“No- that’s, it’s good. ‘S long as that’s the only one, on, right now.”

“You want me to stay here?”

“Yeah.”

Gordon nodded. Josh turned to sit on the bed, putting his head down and taking a few deep breaths, stabilizing himself, carefully running his hands through the shaved sides of his hair. Grounding.

Gordon took Josh’s desk chair, sitting down and starting to take off his prosthetic. He wasn’t about to interrogate how it lasted the length of the game without needing to be charged, but as soon as he got out and came to his own senses, the damn thing died. He wasn’t entirely focused on it, choosing first to click on the lamp on his own bedside table. Waking up in near-total darkness did nothing good for his anxiety, but he was able to let it subside with the light filling his bedroom. Back home. Bittersweet.

He made himself adjust as quickly as he could before going to Josh’s room, where he found himself now, unceremoniously putting his prosthetic on Josh’s desk and peeling off the protective sock. Little rituals like these settled him. He slowly took out the elastic in his hair, minding the curls as he shook his head and rolled the tie back onto his wrist. Little rituals.

They sat in the silence for a few minutes, both doing what they could to get accustomed to the familiar, but all too different space they found themselves in. The ending of the quiet was marked by a deep sigh from Josh as he picked his head up and spoke.

“I’m, like, super hungry.”

“Y’know, me too.” Gordon agreed.

“I really want pancakes?”

“We can totally do pancakes,” Gordon said, standing up. “You wanna help?” Josh thought for a moment.

“…Yeah. I might just be, uh, kinda slow.”

“You and me both.” Gordon joked. Josh gave him a small smile before standing up, going over to his desk drawer and pulling out a stim toy, a silicone brush, soft and similar to the texture of his hair, rubbing it between his hands before following his dad out the door and into the hallway, both of them taking it at an easy pace.

For as many times as he saw the space in his dreams, it all felt so disparate, being back for good. He had trouble believing he really was here, but he focused on the realness of the space. The sound of the stairs creaking as the two descended down, the feel of the brush on his hand, the quiet noise of late-night cars on the nearby street. Things his dreams couldn’t replicate. This was real. He was home.

A sudden crash from the kitchen made both of them stop dead in their tracks, Josh, wide-eyed and frozen, and Gordon briefly so, until a voice- rather, cluster of voices, cut through the quiet.

“What the _fuck_.” Came a rasp.

“Hello?” Gordon called out, feeling all too much like the soon-to-be first kill in a horror movie as he clicked on the overhead light, illuminating the galley kitchen and part of the living room.

That’s the other part, of goodbyes. Somehow, in a dichotomy, a paradox, much like all of human emotion, things that feel permanent, the ones that _do_ get some flavor of closure, they never really are forever. Paths thought abandoned are always crossed again. Sometimes they’re planned for. More often, they’re not- a random run in with a childhood best friend, a cautious glance across the street to an ex-lover, an awkward wave to old family.

Or, in Gordon and Joshua’s case, Bubby on the floor of the kitchen, Dr. Coomer standing over him and holding an arm out, both paused in their motions, all four of them equivalent to deer in headlights.

In the game, of course, everyone looked like real people, but this was altogether a very different experience. Without the HEV suits, Joshua and Gordon looked remarkably vulnerable, softer, subtler ways they individually carried themselves. Bubby, having taken Harold’s hand, and Dr. Coomer, despite the situation, already seemed blended into this place, even still wearing their lab coats and bloodied, grimy clothes from Black Mesa. It was in the small things- the curious wrinkle on Dr. Coomer’s forehead, the raise in Bubby’s eyebrows, the frightening stillness of it all, save for the ambient noise of night outside and the buzz of the light overhead. There was another set of noises coming from the living room, a dull "oof", a "what?", a "huh?", a dog bark. 

“Ah,” Dr. Coomer started, clearing his throat. “Hello, Joshua, and hello, Gordon!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :'-) like i said !!! a see you later !! sometimes the later just comes. sooner than you think. 
> 
> well. i'll have more to say in this little section in our final chapter/epilogue. for the time being: thank you for commenting, kudoing, bookmarking, just reading!! in general!! thank you all so much, i care you <3


	24. Epilogue, or, It Always Ends with a Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vignettes from the first year out.

**_March - Bad Days (and Very Bad Days)_ **

Josh threw himself back into school that Monday. He figured just, getting back to some kind of normalcy would be the best thing, right? There was a lot to catch up on, and midterms (1/4s terms?) were coming up, and then after that would be AP tests, and technically he probably shouldn’t even _be_ in AP classes, but his shit school was just so focused on getting that Overall Testing Average up, but then after that would be finals, and missing a week of classes in his sophomore year of high school was like a death sentence. Sure, it wasn’t his junior year, that’d be an actual, real death sentence, but this was pretty damn close. So he caught up on classwork, and kept his head down, and did make up assignments, and got nearly all his fidgets taken away because apparently his silent fiddling was just _too distracting_ -

At least there was still the club. That was nice. There wasn’t any type of food-science or cooking class at his school, so the club was mostly restricted to using the civics teacher’s classroom as a meeting space, operating as more of a “did you SEE the shit they pulled on _Chopped_??” discussion forum. Still nice. It became something he clung onto tighter than ever, just having a space with his friends to chill in an otherwise hectic day.

Being at home was a little harder. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, and it wasn’t like he didn’t like being at home. Things were just a little crowded, at the moment. That Saturday featured a very harried Gordon, Costco card in hand, buying a good number of air mattresses, more blankets, pillows, having to clean out and restock the fridge, all the things anyone would do when very suddenly housing seven people and a dog. Between the living room and the attic, there was room for everyone, but it definitely wasn’t going to be a permanent set up.

Josh was just glad to have his own space. Sure, it wasn’t the attic like he originally planned, but he wasn’t about to wrap his brain around another thing he had to do when he was already too bogged down with the weight of everything else. So this was fine. It was fine to shut his door, put on his noise-cancelling headphones and blast music through the crappy speakers on his computer so nobody would bother him, he’s _obviously_ _busy_ _blasting_ _music_ , and lose himself in the pile of homework he had to do. And it was fine when he finally, _finally_ finished all the catch-up work, and then work on the stuff that was actually due, and finish that, and then…

Then he could study for AP tests. There we go. Study for that. Get through the workbooks, and the packets. He doesn’t even know if he’s going to go to college, at this point, because there’s a big debate in the culinary community about whether that’s actually important, and how the majority of jobs you get actually come through apprenticeships, but what about culinary school, what about- what if-

But that doesn’t matter right now, because he’s gotta focus on close-reading this passage about a guy modestly proposing that rich people should eat their kids, and answer the twenty multiple choice questions about it, and write a short essay Describing In Five Paragraphs How You Can Tell Jonathan Swift’s Work Is Satire, and, like, he doesn't even _know_ how he’s gonna answer that. Like, because it is, it’s _obviously_ satire, but also, why _not_ eat the rich, they’re fucking over the world as it is, that’s what Dr. Coomer would say, but on that, remember when you shot and killed fucked up versions of him and his husband with your _arm_ that was a _gun_ , and how you were about 99% certain you were going to die by some cosmic force in a video game, and maybe don’t think too hard about how you’re not even entirely sure if this is still real life or not, maybe you’re still stuck in a video game, and this is how your brain is coping, and don’t forget, you have to write up an analysis of the hero’s journey and how it’s applicable To Our Lives Today, because somehow your English class started slogging through _The_ _Odyssey_ , like, holy shit, when did _that_ happen, and maybe you weren’t paying attention as well as you thought, and maybe if you hadn’t gotten your fidget cube taken away so you could _focus_ this wouldn’t have happened, and maybe if you weren’t so easily distracted, and weren’t such a fuck-up, and were actually good at school, and all this stuff, you wouldn’t feel like such a fucking _wreck_ all the time, c’mon, _idiot_ , your dad has a _PhD_ , why can’t you be _better_ , and maybe, and maybe, _and_ maybe, and _maybe_ -

The problem with noise-cancelling headphones, Josh was quickly realizing, was that he didn’t realize until _way_ too late into calming down from his panic attack with his head on his desk, that there was a plate of dinner cooling on his bedside table. When that got there and who brought it are questions lost on him. But he was glad he wasn’t interrupted, against everything. That would’ve been worse. He’ll come downstairs and talk about it later, or something. Right now, he’ll eat his dinner, have some water. Get through this. He has to.

* * *

Gordon’s sipping a cider on the back porch, because- he really needs to be outside the house, right now. Not that he doesn’t care about everyone, but it’s probably the same reason why Josh has been keeping his door shut a lot more. He can’t blame him.

He feels useless. He knows the signs when Josh wants to be left alone, and of course he’s going to respect that. But everything is starting to come to a head. And he feels like he’s watching his son implode and he can’t _fix it_. He doesn’t know _how_.

What scares him is the familiarity. How similarly Josh acts and holds himself out of the game compared to Gordon when he first got out. Learned coping mechanisms, maybe. Coping mechanisms he might’ve learned from him. He hopes not. But he sees it anyway.

That, and he knows Josh hasn’t cooked in a long time. And he knows part of it is because his school is loading him up with work up to his eyes but there’s another, obvious part that he wants to help, that he’s been _trying_ to help, but it’s just, not enough.

He puts his head in his hand, the other tapping his fingers against the glass bottle, unsure of how to puzzle this through.

He turns at the sound of the sliding glass door opening and closing, the distinct click of dress shoes on the wooden porch, and has to hold back a labored sigh as the man joins him. Not necessarily wanted, right now, but he’s here to stay, it seems. Gordon takes a long swig of his cider as G-Man sits down next to him, the cool chill reminiscent of winter as the world starts fading into spring around them, life in the garden starting to buzz again.

“I might, know someone, Dr. Freeman.” G-Man starts. That’s another thing- he’ll never call Gordon “Gordon”- Tommy’s breaking the habit, slowly but surely, but G-Man seems to operate in formalities only. That, and he never seems to speak in a manner that doesn’t have a vague threat behind it, even if it’s not intended. Gordon hopes it’s not.

“Someone…?” Gordon reiterates.

“To help.” G-Man says. “You told me, to help you, help your son. I want, to keep, my word. Perhaps, this is, something.” He says, fishing out a business card from his inner chest pocket, handing it gingerly to Gordon in between two fingers. He’s cautious, but takes it, holding it up to the glow of the lighting inside the house behind him, squinting to read the elegant print. But once he’s able to make it out, his eyes widen and he puts the card face down on the deck faster than he thought he had the energy for.

“Absolutely not.”

“I know it’s, a different, situation, but, he wouldn’t need, to omit, the truth-“

“Okay, well, sure, but there’s shit, beyond the game, that literally any other therapist could help him with,” Gordon spits. “Like, is he even- how did he get a practice- or a degree-“

“Well, Dr. Freeman, I assume, he finally, graduated.”

Gordon squeezes his eyes shut in the way he always does when he knows he’s losing a battle but can’t admit defeat yet. He picks up the card again, analyzing it for any mistakes and finding none, unfortunately. It’s perfect. It’s the most perfect business card. He keeps staring at the name that really shouldn’t have “Dr.” in front of it in fancy gold leaf. It mocks him. He pulls out his phone, immediately searching him and looking for _any_ fucking dirt on the guy, because he _has_ to have dirt, there has to be some reason he can point to and show G-Man, see, this _wouldn’t_ work, and you should feel bad for even _suggesting_ such a wild proposition to me. A reason beyond the game, which doesn’t really feel like a valid rationale anymore, considering the situation they all find themselves in.

He finds his page on the find-a-psychologist website he’s been frequenting more these days, studying the tags he’s listed his practice under. And this bastard’s checking all the boxes. He doesn’t have any of the weird pseudo-science crap too many therapists around here seem to be about ( _trust him_ , he’s looked). He specializes in adolescent psychology and family therapy, even though the idea is laughable, from when Gordon knew him.

He even takes his health insurance. That motherfucker.

“How did he even establish this? Like, I’m not sending Josh to some… He needs help. Like, _real_ help. Not, bullshit.”

“I wouldn’t, suggest it, if I didn’t think, it would help, Dr. Freeman. I understand, your hesitance. And, I understand, if this is not the path, you choose. But, this is, the help, I have, to offer, right now,” G-Man says. “Perhaps, a call, would answer, the questions you have.” He continues, tapping the card before standing up. “Think on it.”

That’s the last word on that as G-Man dusts himself off and returns back indoors, leaving Gordon to finish the rest of his cider, and think on it.

* * *

He doesn’t want to judge. He really doesn’t. But this guy does _not_ look like a therapist. Like, the other therapists Josh has tried are either middle-aged women with long straight hair, or _old_ -old dudes, and, that’s just what therapists look like, in his mind.

 _This_ guy, though, looks like he’s _seen shit_ and maybe needs a therapist himself. But here he is, sitting across from him, one khaki’d leg crossed over the other, taking notes on a tablet. It’s the end of their third session, and so far, things are pretty good. He has yet to broach the whole, _situation_. It’s still nerve wracking. It might be a while. But if what G-Man told him about this doctor is to be trusted, at least it’s a subject he can broach. Eventually. He’ll get there. There’s hope that he _is_ going to get there.

While he finishes up his notes, Josh stares at the heavy-duty BeyBlade stadium set up on the table. It looks, _expensive_. It’s way more intense than any plastic bin he remembers from elementary school. He half wonders what psychological or therapeutic reason there is for it, but the sound of a printer across the room clicking away takes Josh out of his trance as Dr. F stands up and retrieves the paper. He inspects the letterhead through his glasses before clicking a pen and signing it, handing it to Josh.

“So, hopefully, your teachers, like, chill out, and, if they don’t, they can give me a call, or vice-versa. You know how it is,” Dr. F says. “Same time next week?”

“Sounds good.” Josh agrees, still looking at the letter. It’s kind of exciting to think that, hopefully, the solution for _this_ particular problem is in his hands. Who would’ve thought. There’s still a mountain of other issues, but they’re chipping away at it. Even in the short time they’ve had, things are already getting taken care of. It’s a bigger thing than he can really put words to, right now.

Josh stands and gives a nod to Dr. F before taking his coat off of the couch’s arm and shucking it on. It’s a huge Members Only bomber jacket he got for nothing at an antique store, and, like, yeah, it smells a lot like shoe polish, but he’s been wearing it a lot more, these days, because spring’s taking a long time to come this year, and… Maybe because the weight and the feeling of it enveloping him is way similar to the HEV suit, and it’s kind of grounding in a weird way? But he’s not going to analyze that much deeper. That can be another therapy session. He exits the office with a sigh and makes his way out to the lobby.

His first session, his dad picked him up, looking way more nervous than he was, but the second session, Josh just took the bus and caught his dad up when he got home. And today, he was expecting to take the bus again, folding the letter carefully and putting it in his jacket pocket, buttoning it firmly like a treasure, until a familiar pair of faces greeted him.

“Hello, Joshua!” Dr. Coomer says, Bubby sitting next to him, both of them decked out in matching leather jackets, two helmets on Dr. Coomer’s lap, Bubby wearing his own on his head, casually unbuckled. They both stand to greet him, Dr. Coomer handing Josh one of the helmets.

“What’s this?” Josh asks- though, he could probably guess.

“Black Mesa Hush Money!” He replies. Josh is never going to wrap his head around how Dr. Coomer can just say this stuff. Like there isn’t anything in particular associated with it. Maybe there is. But maybe there isn’t. Maybe Josh can get there too.

He’s half tempted to ask if his dad knows, because he knows his painfully overwrought dad, and maybe that’s where he gets his own anxiety, but, at the same time, if Bubby and Dr. Coomer could get him through Black Mesa, he’s pretty sure they can get him back home too. Cake walk.

Josh takes the helmet Dr. Coomer hands him, buckling it as they head out the door, the motorcycle and attached sidecar waiting patiently in its parking space. Dr. Coomer saddles in like it’s a trusty steed, Bubby swinging a leg over and holding onto his husband’s middle. Josh steps into the sidecar and gets himself settled while Dr. Coomer starts the engine.

**_April - Soft_ **

Tommy and Darnold seemed to adjust the quickest, to everything. They ended up moving out first, getting a condo in the city, and a week later, holding a housewarming with the whole group. And, no, Gordon’s not _jealous_ , he’s just- definitely very impressed with how quick they were able to set up shop, art decorating the walls, furniture arranged in a thoughtful flow, Tommy handing him a freshly made cocktail while Gordon looks over the huge portrait of Sunkist above the fireplace. It should be silly. It should be _really_ silly, but everything is sort of immaculate in the very particular way Tommy and Darnold just _are_.

Maybe Gordon is a little jealous. Sure, the place is gorgeous, but, thinking about it, he finds the jealousy is a little deeper than that. They seemed to, _recover_ , very quickly. Bounce back, bounce into this world and set up a life for themselves. And he’s happy for them. Absolutely, if the genuine smile he gives Tommy and gets in return before he leaves him be means anything, of course he is. But he does remember the aimless, depressed months in New Mexico post-run. He’s starting to remember it, more, all of it, and dissect it. Heal from it. A process.

That, and he knows what his own home looks like now, opposite of _this_ , becoming kind-of-sort-of a gamer pad. Fully blaming Benrey for that one. But even the thought makes him look over to the man next to him with fondness, somehow managing to make Gordon’s old Bad Brains shirt look good under an open button-up, tan pants and a beanie completing the ensemble. It’s a little weird. He looks _very_ different without the uniform, and Gordon’s never going to get over it (or, at least, hasn’t yet, and doesn’t expect to anytime soon), and he finds himself unable to stop the soft laugh bubbling up.

“Pretty ‘Frasier’, huh?” Gordon jokes in a whisper, gesturing out to the space.

“Huh?” Benrey asks. Gordon knows this isn’t an auditory-processing “huh?” but a genuinely-has-no-idea-what-the-hell-he’s-talking-about “huh?”. They’re slowly understanding each other’s emotional languages- it feels good to be learning that, especially with someone he cares about. Either way, Benrey’s waiting for an explanation.

“It was a sitcom- takes place in Seattle- it’s- just, like, the very artistic apartment in the city- they’re both doctors- I don’t know.” Gordon kind of stutters his way along. He looks over to the kitchen, where Josh has immediately situated himself, putting down the dish of scalloped potatoes and washing his hands, already eagerly asking how he can help with dinner, while Darnold talks and sets whatever he’s cooking en flambé- Bubby is there a second later, watching the lightshow rapt, already applauding Darnold as the flames die down. He sets to unwrap what he brought to the potluck from its tinfoil cocoon- a project him and Josh spent the day doing.

Gordon doesn’t want to say that he nearly cried with relief when he came home from work, finding his son gently scraping proofed dough out of its mixing bowl and onto the flour-dusted workspace, explaining to Bubby how to shape it into a proper loaf. Instead, he’ll say what he did when he saw the scene- a soft smile, a gentle recognition of the moment, to which Bubby retorted with some kind of quip, and Josh laughed, big and loud, kind of high like Gordon does, and-

There’s just a lot to look back on, and be thankful for, is all.

But now- Bubby is obviously very pleased with himself as he fishes out a little jar of jam from his jacket pocket while Darnold compliments the bake on the bread. Tommy’s moved over to the couch with Dr. Coomer, talking, Sunkist walking back and forth between them for pets, Gordon able to pick up bits and pieces of that conversation. G-Man, deathly quiet, sets the table, seeming to be content laying out the spread of salad forks, soup spoons, butter knives, folding napkins carefully, deep in the process, and Gordon wonders how many courses dinner is going to be, or if he’s just like that.

Either way, they’re good hosts. That’s all Gordon can really think. That, and,

“This feels right.” He says.

“Gordon Sap-man real?” Benrey replies. Gordon gives him a look under his glasses, something that drops into affection when he sees Benrey’s irises are a sort of soft indigo, maybe mauve in the right light. That being said, he’s not going to bother Tommy with wondering what that means. He’s rolling with it. It’s all he can do. But he’s not doing it alone anymore.

“You’re one to talk, making me hang your pictures,” He ribs. “I’m still amazed you held onto all those polaroids.”

“You love ‘em. Black Mesa, uh, game-of-the-year edition, bay-bee,” Benrey jests back. Gordon rolls his eyes and slings an arm around him, pressing a kiss against his forehead.

This feels right.

 _Because it is_ , Gordon’s brain supplies, a moment of emotional clarity.

Because it is.

**_May - Hobbies & Activities_ **

“Oh, you just _can’t_ be serious,” Darnold breathes out, a little flabbergasted, into his headset, shaking his head but smiling nonetheless.

“Told you man, Battle Medic is where it’s at,” Benrey replies over their voice call. He starts talking more to his stream chat, telling them all about his “epic gamer strats”. But there’s his in- Benrey’s distracted, and Darnold gets a clear shot on him from his Sniper nest. See ya, Battle Medic. Darnold laughs as Benrey complains over the headset. Darnold puts himself on mute as he feels arms looped around his shoulders, Tommy placing his chin on the top of Darnold’s head.

“Are ya winnin’?” Tommy asks. Darnold tilts his head up, and Tommy meets his lips.

“Benrey’s shockingly bad at TF2,” Darnold jokes.

“Nobody saw that coming,” Tommy says, turning his attention back to the computer screen. Darnold scores a few more kills, even getting a Spy sneaking in with an impressive flourish that makes Tommy clap gently as the match ends, Darnold’s team winning.

“How’re you doing?” Darnold asks, idly playing with one of Tommy’s hands as Benrey searches for a new server they can play on.

“Tired,” He settles on. “Long day.”

“Yeah,” Darnold agrees. “I’ve got a few more rounds left for Benrey’s stream, but, why don’t I go get us some takeout afterwards?” Tommy makes an affirmative hum.

“I love you,” Tommy slumps a little more on Darnold. “I’m gonna, I’m gonna take you on a date tomorrow,”

“Oh yeah?” Darnold asks. Darnold can almost hear Tommy’s smile.

“Uh-huh,” Tommy says. “I still owe you some, some good kite-flying. Maybe, go to the aquarium…? We could, could pet a stingray in the touch pool, or, or something. Go through that big tube, with the fish all around, like, like tapioca pearls in bubble tea.” Darnold laughs and gives Tommy’s hand a squeeze.

“I’d love to fly kites with you and pet a stingray.” He says, smiling up at him. Tommy hugs him a little tighter before letting go.

“Good,” He says, standing up and stretching. “Get- kick Benrey’s ass, for me.”

“Can do, babe,” Darnold promises, unmuting himself as Benrey loads up, readjusting his mic as he clears his throat. “Tommy says hi.”

**_June - Responsibilities_ **

G-Man watches as his son takes a deep sigh, holding his cup of coffee with both hands, savoring it slow. He feels like he’s playing catch up a little- Tommy’s already so accustomed to human things, like eating, and drinking, and G-Man still finds himself floundering, a bit. He’s getting used to it.

The worst part of it all is that he can’t reasonably wear his suit every day. It’s just not practical, he understands that. That being said, he hasn’t quite found what his “casual style” looks like. He’s experimenting- today’s hypothesis isn’t going very well, because, at the moment, he’s wearing a yellow-orangey long-sleeved shirt, that just doesn't fit him as well as his button-ups, and jeans. _Jeans_. He has to repress a shudder just thinking about it.

That’s the thing, about his suit. About his whole character, in the game. His demeanor rarely wavered, and there was some kind of power in that, and in his clothing. A message he very clearly sent.

He’s still trying to figure out what message he means to send, these days. More so, he knows he needs to focus on important things, unlike his suit. Things, like now. Like Tommy giving him a sympathetic smile and looking at him across the café table they’ve found themselves at. G-Man taps his fingers against his chai.

“I, suppose, you are, wondering, why, I’ve asked you, here,” G-Man starts. Tommy laughs.

“You always, sound so, so formal,” He says. G-Man tries to relax a little. It’s hard.

“Force of, habit,” He justifies. “Tommy… I’ve, always been, very proud of you. Every day, I am. I…” He trails off, momentarily. “…I think, a lot, about, Xen.” Tommy nods.

“Yeah, I, I do too,” He says, taking another sip of coffee. “Dad, I think… I don’t know, how much, I need a parent, in my life, um, protecting me. And- and you’ve obviously, learned a lot, since then, and, you’ve changed, and, grown, a lot, but, I’m, I’m not a kid, who needs their parent to tell them they’re proud of them, you know?”

“Oh, yes, of course-“ G-Man starts, feeling some kind of shame start to seep into him.

“But,” Tommy continues. “That, that doesn’t mean, I don’t need my dad.” Tommy pauses. “I think… I think I was upset, because, I feel like we missed out on, on a lot of a relationship. I’m still kind of upset, and, I just, have to, to figure out my own feelings, about that. I know it’s not, um, all your fault. And, if anything, I’m upset with, our developers, and programmers, and, stuff. But- there’s still, those emotions, there.”

“I believe, we have, many of the same, feelings, Tommy,” G-Man says, reaching up to adjust a tie that isn’t there. He fumbles with the collar of his shirt instead. “Perhaps, we have, a shared understanding, of our, experiences. I… I am still, figuring out, my own relationships, with, the rest of the Science Team, but, I’d like, to work on, ours, the most.” Tommy nods.

“What if, what if we just… Got to, to know each other? Um, actually.” Tommy says. “That- that feels so weird to say, just, I _know_ you, but, I guess- I mean-“

“No, I- yes. I was- programmed, as a rather, absent, father,” G-Man takes a breath. It still hurts him to say. “That doesn’t mean, that’s, who I want to stay. I’d like, to know, my son. Genuinely.” Tommy smiles, then reaches a hand across the table.

“Hi. I’m Tommy.” He says. G-Man takes the hand.

“Hello, Tommy.”

**_July - Awkward_ **

“So…” Gordon starts, looking out at the boats. Him and his son are having a much needed Boy’s Day, a tradition they started after Gordon moved and Josh spent his summers with him. They always seemed to end up here, after whatever activities they decided to do, on the pier, looking out at the boats, people-watching, making up little scenarios between passerbys.

“So…” Josh repeats. “Your ice cream’s melting.” He points out. Gordon looks, and sure enough, there’s a trail of Almond Fudge dripping down the cone and onto his hand.

“Damn- they should- they should fix that,” Gordon says, hastily wiping it up with a napkin. “Ice cream that doesn’t melt.”

“Dippin’ Dots?” Josh supplies. And his brain takes off. “Why don’t they ever sell Dippin’ Dots in, like, a normal place? Like, ‘Oh, I’m just gonna head to the waterpark to get some Dippin’ Dots’. Just, get over yourself. Put it in the store.” Gordon snorts.

“I read this article, that they started doing that in, uh, Maine, I think.” Gordon plays.

“Really?”

“…No, that’s a goof.” He admits.

“You’ve started joking like how Benrey jokes.”

“How’s that?”

“ _Lies_.” Josh says over-dramatically. But it’s as good a segue as any.

“…So, uh, how do you, feel, about Benrey?”

“That’s extremely broad.”

“You’re right,” Gordon relents. “Like- uh… Benrey, having a more, permanent, residence. At home.” Gordon coughs. “And, like, obviously, there’s no wrong answer, and if you’re not okay with that, it won’t happen, just-“

“Are you asking if I’m gonna be homophobic?” Josh kind of smiles, and Gordon laughs, caught off-guard before ruffling Josh’s hair- it’s getting longer. If he’s honest, it’s kind of getting to be a mullet, with the sides staying neatly shaved, but Gordon knows that’s kind of The Thing With The Kids These Days. It’s not bad. Just different.

“I know you’re not gonna be homophobic, geez.” Gordon says. “You and your grandparents, you all love tormenting me.” Josh shrugs.

“Fun for the whole family.”

“ _Anyway_ ,” He continues. “What do you- what do you think about that? And, I haven’t talked to Benrey about it. I wanted to get your buy-in first.” Josh ponders for a moment, taking a thoughtful spoonful from his ice cream (if it melts, it gets caught in the cup, so take that, _cones_ ) and considering.

“Video game boyfriend, huh?”

“You don’t need to say it like _that_ -“

“I’m just saying ‘cause he got the GameStop job. What’d you think I meant?”

“He got the GameStop job?” Gordon asks, then readjusts. “…Well, I mean… The whole-“

“I know what you meant.”

“I think you hang out too much with Bubby.”

“Don’t be jealous,” Josh says. “Also, theoretically, if we robbed a bank, what would you do?”

“Where’d that come from?!” Gordon sputters. He hates to say it- he’s really not sure if Josh is serious or not. He _hopes_ Bubby and Coomer would have the sense to not take his teenage son on a bank robbing, or rob a bank in the first place, but he wouldn’t put it past them to do that for fun. “They’re not- they didn’t really-“

“Dad,” Josh starts. “It’s really fine if Benrey lives with us.” Gordon takes a breath.

“Okay. Cool,” He says. “But now I’m _way_ more concerned about a possible bank robbery.”

“Don’t worry about it!” Josh waves him off. “Hypothetical!”

“I love you so much, but all of you _together_ is a recipe for trouble, to say the very least-”

“We’re all _super_ responsible. And, Tommy and Darnold would be there also.”

“So you’re not even inviting me and Benrey to your hypothetical bank robbery?”

“Bubby says you don’t have the temperament.”

“Of _course_ I have the temperament to rob a bank!”

_**September - Celebration** _

“Did you know those bastards made a whole new apple?” Bubby asks, scooping honey into a dish. “ _Cosmic Crisp_ is what they call it.”

“No spirit of scientific ingenuity, dear?” Harold replies, cutting up their own not-Cosmic-Crisp apples into slices. Bubby sighs.

“It’s just so _boring_ , here, sometimes,” Bubby laments. “Black Mesa made a whole _me_ , and _here_ , the big news is that a bunch of poindexters with nothing better to do made a brand-new apple. Big whoop.” Bubby is suddenly greeted with two patented Big Strong Arms around his middle, Harold’s head against his back in a hug, swaying him gently back and forth.

“That just means you’re the most special, and one-of-a-kind!” Harold says. Bubby turns around in his arms and plants a kiss on his forehead.

“Like the apple?” Bubby teases.

“Just like the apple!” Harold replies. Bubby laughs and puts his arms back around his husband.

“I think we should renew our vows, sometime,” Bubby suddenly says. “Have a real wedding, and everything,”

“Bubby, I cannot begin to tell you how incomprehensibly hurt I am that you don’t count our first wedding as real,” Harold says theatrically.

“I didn’t mean it like that and you know it,” Bubby plays, giving him another kiss. “C’mon, it’d be fun,” Harold seems to be thinking long and hard about this one.

“You really want to deal with me for the next, however many years?” Harold asks with a smile.

“Only if you can deal with me for that long.”

“Well, then I suppose it’s a deal.”

And, suddenly, everything happens at once. The timer on the oven starts beeping, and seconds later, the doorbell rings. Bubby rolls his eyes, but unlatches from Harold all the same. He goes to the oven, admiring the golden brown on the challah as he takes it out. Josh is gonna lose his mind when he sees this.

Harold goes to the door, opening it for Gordon and Benrey, exchanging greetings while Gordon quickly explains that Josh is arriving with Darnold, picking him up from an interview, a possible culinary arts internship through the university, and Tommy and G-Man- well, Gordon doesn’t know where they’re at, but they should be arriving soon- Bubby decides now’s the time to chime in, telling him to not get all twisted up about nothing, and Gordon relents.

**_February - Good Days (and Very Good Days)_ **

Sunkist bounds across the park, leaping as she catches the frisbee in her mouth. It’s an unseasonably nice day for the time of year, but Josh isn’t complaining. And neither is Sunkist as she sprints back over, a playful game of tug-of-war beginning as Josh tries to take the frisbee back.

And Sunkist looks very proud of herself as she wins, Josh tumbling onto the grass. She trots over, dropping the frisbee on top of him, sitting very politely and wagging her tail as Josh gets himself up, scratching behind her ears.

“Think we’ve given them enough time?” Josh asks.

Sunkist barks.

“Yeah, I think so, too,” Josh agrees. He stands up, bringing the frisbee with him and reattaching the leash onto Sunkist’s collar. He gets out his phone and shoots a text to the group chat.

 **Josh  
** sunkist & i are heading back! see u guys soon

 **Bubbie  
** Thbs up

 **Bubbie  
** Thumbs*

 **G** **Coolatta  
** -.mn{mlk,m/’

 **Harold  
** See You Soon, Joshua ! :^)

 **G Coolatta  
** OKLahoma)"%

Josh laughs at his phone as he returns it to his pocket and starts walking back, Sunkist by his side.

Listen- he knows what’s up. While his birthday was on Wednesday, that day was celebrated with his friends, starting with them covering his locker in wrapping paper, little gifts and cards inside, ending with all of them piled into a booth at the 24 hour diner, eating breakfast food at 1am, and Josh trying in sneak back in the house an hour later without waking up his dad or Benrey.

In fairness, he’s _seventeen_ now- he has to get in _some_ teenage rebellion.

That being said- today, when some of the family started arriving, and Tommy ushered him out the door two hours ago, telling him that Sunkist _really_ needed a long walk… Josh could take a pretty educated guess.

Still- it was hard to think they were all coming up on a year since the game. And yet, there everyone was, a whole family Josh kind of has a hard time imagining being without. Because who _else_ would he go try out the new experimental fusion restaurant with besides Darnold and Tommy, or play video games with besides Benrey, or do weekend Mythbusters-adjacent science projects with besides Bubby and Harold, G-Man occasionally observing.

That, and his dad seemed a lot happier, comparing a year ago to now. Well- maybe happier wasn’t the right descriptor. He definitely had a few more grey hairs since then, but it was like he’d been holding onto a tension that had become so entwined in his life, that when he was finally able to start unravelling that knot, it was a relief, and a slow realization that he’d been holding that for nearly fifteen years.

Josh doesn’t think either of them recognized it until it wasn’t really there anymore. He knows his dad and the rest of the family have had a lot of talks between them, a few arguments, but always ending with tight hugs, every time.

That, and he’s been making his own progress with Dr. F, about the game, about stuff outside the game. It’s slow, but it’s happening. There’s still a lot he’s processing, and getting through. But it’s better. He can’t understate how much he appreciates the fact that he isn’t _alone_.

He’s still kind of processing the idea that his dad was alone in this experience for so long. It’s another thing he knows his dad has to contend with. Probably one of those things they all talk about, later at night in the family room. One of those things Josh doesn’t necessarily feel like he has to be there for- it’s not his discussion to have. He knows that. But his dad does talk to him. Gives him those bits and pieces he’s ready to talk about. Especially during those first few months, there were a lot of nights neither Josh nor Gordon were going to be sleeping. A lot of nights they spent making tea on the stovetop, figuring out what to say between them. Sometimes it wasn’t anything. Sometimes Josh just needed a long hug from his dad and to eventually fall asleep on the couch while they watched some Twitch VODs on the TV. And sometimes, Benrey would pad down the stairs and join them, bringing down a big, thick blanket with him, and, when needed, making dumb jokes to help ease whatever tension and anxiety the Freemans were famous for working themselves up into.

Sometimes, that was all it needed to be.

As he reaches his street, Sunkist starts getting a little more excited, pointing her nose up at the balloons tied to the mailbox, and Josh smiles to himself. As he walks up the driveway, he sees silhouettes of his family in the windows, arranging the last of whatever they’re planning. Josh tries to jingle his keys as loud as possible through the door, let everyone know he’s here. The lights don’t turn off, and nobody gets into a hiding position, as far as he can see. He appreciates it- surprises and loud, sudden noises don’t really vibe well with him. He hears some rustling on the other side as he unlocks the door.

And there’s his family, greeting him in a choir of “Happy birthday!”. Everyone is wearing dorky party hats, framed by fairy lights slowly shifting color strung all over the house and ribbons of streamers cascading down the many, many pictures covering the walls, thanks to Benrey’s impressive collection. Sunkist rushes in, immediately enthralled with the change of scenery, running right to Tommy, while Harold scoops him up into a bone-crushing hug. Bubby tells him to tap out. And when he’s released with a breathless laugh, Darnold puts a warm hand on his shoulder, and they all make their way to the nook that’s far too small for the amount of people they always seem to host these days, G-Man carefully arranging presents on the table, and his dad and Benrey putting finishing touches on a chocolate cake, Benrey carefully dolloping whipped cream around the edge while Gordon puts maraschino cherries on each pretty peak.

“Aw- dude- you’re not supposed to look yet,” Benrey laments.

“Is that the Portal cake?” Josh asks, way more impressed than anything.

“Yeah, it’s, uh, not a lie,” Benrey says. His dad laughs before getting out another party hat, walking over to Josh and putting it on him, ruffling his hair.

“Happy birthday, cowboy,” His dad says.

It’s been almost a year- a long year, no doubt. A year rife with change, and hard days, and weird days, and bad jokes, and a sheer force of everything that would be overwhelming, if it weren’t for all the support of everyone here. Josh knows it’s going to be something he holds onto for the rest of his life, but it’s not a bad thing, to be impacted by it.

After all, it just means they’re human. All of them. Dealing with these very human parts of themselves, dealing with life, getting through it with unconditional love.

Josh hugs his dad tight. Life is going to continue on, from this point. Another year will pass, and another, and another, and these variable days will not end anytime soon.

And that’s a very good thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT: I would be absolutely REMISS to not recommend localdisasterrisk's story black mesa bullshit (https://archiveofourown.org/works/27001039). if you want more older josh POV and an absolute gut punch of a story, PLEASE check it out if you havent already. it's on gd one of the best stories ive read on this whole darn site. theyre an extremely skilled writer and honestly? i can't talk it up enough. just go read it
> 
> Here it is! We've reached the very end!!! And what a wild ride it's been!!! I'm never going to be over the amount of support and love this little story has gotten- I'm forever grateful to all of you, whether you commented, kudo'ed, made fan-art, read and lurked, kept following along with this for the past six(!!!!) months, or some kind of mix or all of the above!! I seriously couldn't have written this without you (yes, YOU!!!) and all the generosity, kind words and encouragement you all have given me. I hope now you can put that same energy back on yourselves for whatever life is throwing at you. 
> 
> I hope you, the reader, got out of this what you came here for. I hope, like these funny little scientists and security guards, and fathers, and sons, and people, first and foremost, that you are also able to heal from what you need to heal from. I always sign off these notes with a hope that you all are taking care of yourselves, staying safe and healthy, and even if I'm not reminding you of that anymore, I hope you take it to heart. In the words of Dr. Coomer, "You changed our lives. I’d like to think it was for the better. And I don’t know what’s going to happen to us once you exit the game for good. But I know we’ll never forget you. I hope you won’t forget us."
> 
> Well- goodbye, reader!


End file.
